Lost my pops when he was 37

[Mypopsdroppedtothefloor7]

I am 16, just about 17.

my dad had just turned 37.

he was supposed to always be 20 years older than me.

he was supposed to see me be the first in our family to graduate since my great grandma.

he was supposed to go with me to the ren faire and eat at Waffle House after.

he was supposed to live until his 60s, maybe 70s if we got lucky.

 

i feel an immeasurable amount of guilt. He had a seizure that night and it contributed to his death. I heard him have it. I could’ve checked on him or woken up my stepmom or at least texted her to see if he was ok. I didn’t, I didn’t because my bio mom raised us to fear my pops during his seizures. And so I hid until it went silent. And I slept.

during the two hours of sleep, he started walking in the after seizure state, he described it as being awake but not being able to control anything. He was trapped in his own body and couldn’t control anything.

he walked, he went into the bathroom. The bathroom has a step up into it, he wasn’t stable on his feet in the walking stages. In my opinion, he tripped, hit his head, was knocked out and suffocated. My stepmom didn’t want an autopsy because she didn’t see the point so we don’t know exactly why, but we know generally.

 

the screams I woke up to are something I’ll never forget.

i miss him.

i miss him so much we went through so much together and I feel like we were on stable terms again.

i feel like killing my self sometimes just for the small chance that there’s something after this, for the small chance to see him. I can’t function without him. 
“I’m handling it better” than everyone else but the truth is that I’m just avoiding it. I’m avoiding dealing with it. I want my dad back.

[reader]

(((hugs))) I am sorry for your loss. I know you miss him and it's really hard right now. Please know you are not alone. And we are here to listen and support you in anyway we can.

I want you to be supported during this very sad and difficult time. Try and reach out and talk to someone in the community or through church.

Please call 988 and there is someone there 24//7 if you need help.

Sending all my thoughts and prayers to you. 

[Daren]

I just lost my father he has been a very important part of my life he has been there through it all and I really thought he would be around for ever can anyone give me advice on how to cope with this ??

What is 988 used for do they deal with helping with greif and loss 

[Traz]

Daren and MyPops,

I'm thinking of you both and there is no one right answer on how to cope, but it is important to feel and to grieve. In whatever form that takes. Shutting off the emotion to numb the pain didn't work for me and I think that's why Im still having difficulty even 3 years on. 

A common thing is to feel guilt or responsibility for our loved one's death but MyPops, it was not your fault. You were brought up to believe that your dad's seizures were something to be feared. So you coped the best way you knew how.  You're too young to take on any of that responsibility. My niece has a seizure disorder and has those in-between-world states after a grand mal. My sister doesnt always check on her either because she usually comes out of them fine and its something they've lived with for years. I understand about feeling like you want to die to just be with them again. I really do. But that doesn't honour their life. As a parent, I know that it would wreck me inside to know my child was suffering over my death. I want them to survive and thrive and live the best life they can. I know as a parent, your Pops wants that for you too. 16 going on 17 is too young to lose a parent. 37 is too young to pass away also. Please keep sharing and expressing your feelings here. No one is judgemental and we have all been through loss.