Anyone else do this?

[BBB]

I was with my wife for 27 years. We had 3 children. Over the years, I took much video of our trips, birthdays, holidays and get togethers. I thought to myself 20 years ago that I have all of this raw footage and it's a lot of hours to watch. Wouldn't it make sense if I clipped pieces of video from certain things, put them to music and make condensed versions of the events. So now, I will sometimes watch these videos. I will also listen to songs that remind me of my wife. You all know the power of song and bringing you back in time. However, like I'm sure many of you, when I watch or listen, the inevitably make me cry. My mother continues to tell me to STOP watching or listening to things that make me cry or get me upset. 

Do many of you do this? even years later?

 

[KayC]

I am technology impaired I think, I only have one video I recall that had George and I in it, it was a Christmas we shared, fortunately I have a picture of it too, but alas it was VHS and my VCR quit working.  I was going to have someone transfer it to DVD but alas he died before it was done.

But I do remember in my earlier grief listening to our songs, it was so hard!!!  I cried and cried.  I don't listen to them anymore, it's too hard.

[BBB]

I guess I enjoy torturing myself.

[Sparky1]

I found a cd of music my wife had made when we met. We used to listen to it all the time and I got to like a lot of the songs. I was going through things and I came across that cd so I made a copy of it for the car. I put it in the player and can't get myself to listen to it. I tried, but the memories made me break down. Even if one of those songs plays on the radio, I still have a hard time.

[BBB]

Right, I just cry through the entire thing. I suppose I just like to torture myself.

 

[Darlene13]

BBB, I still do that sometimes, too.  I know I'll get upset listening to them but I think it's part of working through the grief, no different than sometimes looking at pictures or going places we used to frequent together.  My sister lost her husband two months after mine and blocks out everything she knows would make her sad.  We're all different in how we work through our grief, and there is no right or wrong.

[BBB]

Just a random thought here....

 

Why were we picked? Why were we chosen to be a part of a group that no one wants to be a part of?

 

[Loriii]

No, that would be torture for me. Seeing her tribute video (that her sister made) makes me cry and it's mostly just pictures of her over the years. There's this one video in the end though, that I couldn't really take watching and would you believe that I previously have no knowledge of it and just learned about it when they played the video. It was her singing a happy birthday to herself along with her family with a cake in front of her. It was probably taken on her hometown a few days after her actual birthday last year? Or 2 years ago. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go there. She looked really happy, probably acting like a kid singing with them. Then at the end before blowing the candle, she closed her eyes, paused, then made a wish (you can see that she almost forgot to do it). It was so cute, yet really sad. She probably wished about good health, great things to happen for her, me and my daughter. I always cry every time I watch it because I know for a fact that she wasn't able get her wish. And now, I'm crying. Wow.

[foreverhis]

23 hours ago, BBB said:

Just a random thought here....

 

Why were we picked? Why were we chosen to be a part of a group that no one wants to be a part of?

 

That's a good question, but I've figured out that we will not receive an answer in this life time.  Maybe in the next things will be clear. 

I suppose one answer is "because everybody we love will die" (that's from Nora McInerny's TED Talk) and deep down, we all know this.  My question is more along the lines of "Why him?"  It angers me that his father lived into his 90s, while John was only 71.  His father was a jerk.  He wasn't abusive, but we was not a good man.  John told me he intentionally tried to be as unlike his father as possible and take his cues from his wonderful Uncle Johnny, who was only 12 years older.  He succeeded and was an imperfect, loving, caring, kind, smart, funny, interesting man who loved me fully and adored our daughter and granddaughter.  I'm a good person, I know that, but he was a better one.  And so my question is "Why him?  We needed him."

[Marievc]

I still change the radio station or turn it off when it makes me cry. I try to remember the good times. I know if causes more tears. there is one country song by cole swindel that asks if u knew how it would end would u do it all over again? My answer is yes. I loved spending the 28 years together with the love of my life. Even though it was cut very short I would love to play it on a continuous loop. 

[LMR]

You are lucky BBB. I have no videos. No voicemails. I think I would watch them all the time if I had them. 

I have photos. Some days I can look at them and some days I can't. Some are easier to look at than others. Weirdly there are a couple that when I look at them I can almost feel his flesh. Those are the hardest. It is being so far ydt almost close enough!

[Imissmike]

Bbb I don't think it's torture. I do it too. I watch video after video. I cry lots of tears sometimes but it also makes me feel happy that he loved me so much and I loved him so much. He died 10 weeks ago, I slog along but I'm getting a little but more accomplished each day.  There is no right way to grieve.  I don't exactly welcome the tears but I don't get frustrated when they come either.  Our grief has to work it's way out of our hearts so only our love remains.  Be gentle with yourself

[KayC]

In my early grief I played our songs over and over (we had a lot of them) but I haven't in years now, it's just too painful.  I try to focus on getting through today.  That's enough.

[Jennifer Uren]

I put a slide show together and hosted my fiancés celebration of life and and was extremely hard it will be 10 weeks Monday. I like your idea @BBB. I should figure this out because a lot of the videos include the kids. It almost felt like torture but it was necessary. I think I’m going to give myself more time before I watch through them again.

[KayC]

@Jennifer Uren  That is a lot to handle.  I'm proud of you for getting through it and pushing through.  I sang "It is Well" (with my soul) at George's funeral, my statement of faith...not how I felt but my faith/belief.  We all know feelings are not the same.  

[Loriii]

So I opened my messenger with her out of curiosity (and I want to torture myself) then remembered that I sent her a link of this song that best describes my feeling while she was in the hospital (during the first few days when she was still awake and normal). I played it and ended up bawling my eyes. Bad idea. To think, that there wasn't any "seen" symbol on the message. So it means, she never got the time to read or she didn't know that I had a song for her. It was too late. So sad. Since then, I promise not to listen to anything.

[Jen H]

I have one video I purposely took of him during one of his "good" days.  I watch it like once a week and I cry everytime.  But with the tears, I have good feelings as well.  The way he looked at the camera in the very beginning with a loving happy smile and his last words were beautiful.  I treasure that video with all my heart.

[Gail 8588]

I have more than a dozen music  CDs my husband made with his bands over the years. He was not a professional musician, just did it for pleasure, but did play in bars and music festivals and such.  On some of the CDs there is a fair amount of chatter when he was talking to the audience, telling a story or bantering with the band members.

In the beginning, I would cry my eyes out listening to his music. Like you, I guess I liked to torture myself.  People told me to stop listening to his music, but I couldn't. 

But after the first couple of years, they no longer made me cry. I listen to his CDs all the time. They are all on the hard drive of the car stereo and on random shuffle, so whenever I drive anywhere he is with me.  I also play them in the house.

His voice brings great comfort to me now. 

Gail 

[widower2]

On 1/25/2022 at 10:39 AM, BBB said:

I was with my wife for 27 years. We had 3 children. Over the years, I took much video of our trips, birthdays, holidays and get togethers. I thought to myself 20 years ago that I have all of this raw footage and it's a lot of hours to watch. Wouldn't it make sense if I clipped pieces of video from certain things, put them to music and make condensed versions of the events. So now, I will sometimes watch these videos. I will also listen to songs that remind me of my wife. You all know the power of song and bringing you back in time. However, like I'm sure many of you, when I watch or listen, the inevitably make me cry. My mother continues to tell me to STOP watching or listening to things that make me cry or get me upset.

I'm sure she means well and I'm sorry if this offends, but IMO your mother needs to mind her own business. Who is she (or anyone) to tell you how to handle your grief? 

Crying isn't necessarily bad; in fact, in our situation, it's absolutely necessary. It can be very cathartic. There are times that we need to "let it all hang out." Sometimes I want to listen to happy songs or whatever and get a break from all that, but there are also times I dove right into it for whatever reason. Maybe because in doing so it helped to hit bottom so I could bounce back somewhat, or maybe because I was feeling guilty in the many ways I failed her and felt it was a penance. Or maybe I'm just nuts.   Regardless I'm entitled and I'm going to do whatever strikes me as the thing to do at the moment and anyone who doesn't like it quite frankly can kiss my ass. 

 

[BBB]

Not offended, I feel the same way. Trust me, my wife's death has caused some waves in my mother's and my relationship.