My mother passed.

[Cherylle1980]

My mother died on January 14, 2022, after being hospitalized. My husband woke me up on that rainy Friday morning to tell me that my mother was no longer alive. I could not even go and view her body, my siblings went. Her body is at the funeral home and this past Sunday we were in her to see her. I couldn't do that either. 

I don't even want to go to her funeral. I cannot see my mother, lifeless, in a casket. I know that I'm going to flip out. I've been able to somewhat deal because I haven't seen her. 

This has affected me terribly. I can't sleep (I am literally up until around 6 in the morning daily only to wake up four hours later). I'm zoning out and the smallest thing has me snapping at people to the point I've isolated myself in my bedroom. I am just...angry. It was the same when my Dad died. There is no balance. 

I ignore family and friends trying to contact me. My husband and children are mouthpieces for me. 

It hurts. It hurts so bad. She died alone. When my Dad passed he had a seizure while at my cousin's house for a cookout. He died at the hospital but his entire family was there, including myself and my siblings. When my Grandfather died, it was the same. Our entire immediate family was there. A blood vessel ruptured and he was basically braindead. Two of my aunts stayed with him until he died after they took him off life support. 

My mother was alone. Alone.  How do I come to terms with that? I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her. She was so sick that she couldn't answer the phone. I would've been on my way to see her the very same day she died. 

I'm am very scared of what comes after because I know eventually the mask will come off. 

 

 

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear Cherylle1980,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. It's normal for you to be confronted with a number of overwhelming emotions, including shock, numbness, sadness, and perhaps even guilt or anger. I truly understand the guilt you may be feeling from thinking your mother died alone. I too felt guilty, when my grandfather died alone in the hospital. It's been over 10 years. I can still see his lifeless body lying in the hospital bed, each time I drive past the hospital. However, closure is needed. Perhaps, you can write a letter to your mother expressing all of the things you didn't get to tell her. You can then place the letter in her casket, so that it will be with her at all times. Try to recall happy memories of the times you shared with your mother, perhaps by looking at photos. True, remembering those times might be painful at first. In time, though, these memories may help you to heal rather than cause you to hurt. You might even try keeping a journal. In it you could write about your pleasant memories and even include the things you wish you could done with your mother while she was still alive. It may be easier for you to put your feelings into perspective when you see them on paper. Writing might also provide you with a healthful outlet for your emotions. I've also found praying to be a great source of help and comfort. The Bible says: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22) Prayer to God is not some sort of emotional crutch. It is real and vital communication with “the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation.”—2 Corinthians 1:3, 4. One way that God provides comfort is through his holy spirit. It can infuse you with “power beyond what is normal,” so that you can endure the pain of grief. (2 Corinthians 4:7) God also provides “comfort from the Scriptures.” (Romans 15:4) So ask God for his spirit, and take time to read the encouragement found in his Word, the Bible. Challenging as it may be, working through grief will help you to move on with your life. Do not feel guilty, as if by moving on you would be betraying your mother or forgetting her. The fact is that you will never forget your mother. So, may those pleasant memories along with God's hand holding onto yours help you to get through these difficult days. 

[Violet Coffee]

Hi, Cherylle1980. First of all I want to say that I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is very hard. 

I wanted to give you some advice though because my father died last November and he also died alone and I didn't go to his funeral. But I really wish that I went to his funeral because I think it would've given me closure. Also what I do to feel like I'm still close to my father is right as I'm about to go to bed I tell him about my day and how my mother is doing, so maybe it might help you. Crying is also extremely needed (I keep a tissue box in every room of the house). I also try to just live my life normally and I make tons of jokes because that's what he wanted, even on his deathbed he was still cracking jokes and flirting with my mom. So just live your life, and make the best of it because I'm pretty sure your mom wouldn't want you quarantining yourself away from the rest of you're family that need you, just as much as you need them right now.

Have a good day.

[Traz]

Hi Cherylle1980,

Losing our mothers... where do I even begin? I feel so much for you and what you're going through right now. 

I totally understand not wanting to see your mom after she passed. I did not go into my mom's hospital room when we got the call at 4 am. I drove there to be with my sisters, but refused to go in the room. I didn't want to see her 'shell' of a dead body. Couldn't do it.

I was fortunate that she wanted to be cremated and we had a small graveside ceremony. I can really understand not wanting to see your mom in her casket, but kind of agree with Violet Coffee's post about needing closure. It's very  difficult and such a personal decision. Would you be able to go to the funeral home and request the casket be closed while you say your personal farewell? This could be before the actual funeral. 

That way you'll have some quiet time with your mom to reflect and tell her whatever you like. I know it's not the goodbye you wanted but it may help just a little.  

These are the earliest days of your grief journey and its going to be hard. Don't beat yourself up for your feelings of anger, guilt or any of it. We all grieve differently. It's been 2 years since my mom died. I had taken care of her for 5 years before that and there are still days my grief knocks me on my butt. Today was one of those days. I bought a journal just for writing to her and that has helped me so much. 

Allow yourself to grieve and cry and scream and feel all of it, even though it hurts so much. Our grief is a testament of our love. Thinking of you xo

 

[Ksbe]

My mom passed away on January 8th... It is so hard. I am so sorry you know this pain. Your mom knows you love her. Take it day by day, moment by moment.