My father has terminal cancer and I’m having a hard time watching him be in pain.

[Mariela]

Hi all,

My father was diagnosed with stage IV renal cell carcinoma at the end of 2019. He receives excellent care and sometimes he does really well but recently he’s been in so much pain and I can’t help him. There’s only so much that can comfort him and I feel helpless. I wasn’t living with him when he was diagnosed but moved in with him and my mom a little over a month ago.

We talk sometimes about how he feels with his mortality and the cancer and I think it helps. I’m grateful he’s lived 2 years past his diagnosis but I’m still scared that his treatment could stop working and he’ll die sooner. Part of me is accepting the inevitable but I’m still terrified. I try reading up on how to handle grief and shame and I do my own therapy. Since finding out about his diagnosis this  has weighed on me heavily. It’s stuck in the back of my brain that one day possibly soon I will have to face his death. I needed to finally post this somewhere because I know I’m not alone. This feeling is so hollow and frustrating. 
 

[Violet Coffee]

Hi Mariela, I have a family full of people who either have or had cancer and I can say that all that they wanted was for us to treat them like we would if they weren't sick. But I for one believe you should be prepared for the worst, and just spend as much time as you can with him.

[Luminescense]

I'm sorry to hear that you've received such awful news as of 2019.

It's okay to be afraid and it's good that you are able to perceive what type of talks help.

There are so many useful resources on the web and I'm glad that you have looked into those to help. If you're able and there's grief and loss support in your area it's worth a try and if you have a death doula - often times they can be of use with guiding you through the last days and matters afterwards.

It's a frustrating feeling and it feels horrible to know a loved one is facing their time. Focus time on caring for yourself and taking it all a day at a time. He's lived 2 years past his diagnosis and that in itself is wonderful extra time spent with him.

It's okay to grieve and it's okay to focus on living, too. While it may feel like an awkward and confusing place to be, taking it a step at a time helps a lot.