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Loss of a partner


Sheila 1977

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Sheila 1977

I had been in a relationship with my partner for a couple of months and unexpectedly had passed away some people believe that I shouldn't be grieving because we was not in a relationship long but I still am hurting inside missing my partner

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foreverhis

Welcome.  I'm sorry that people in your life are so insensitive, unkind, and clueless.  Of course you are grieving!

When we find that one person, our soulmate, the connection to them can happen in the blink of an eye.  My husband and I had been becoming friends over 2 years, but it was when we really looked at each other, when he asked me on a date, that suddenly it was clear.  We went on our first date and never looked back.  We were together from that day on. 

So many people never have that kind of love, so they don't understand how it could possibly be.  But it exists and it happens.  It's why almost all of us are here, whether we were married for 40 years or only together with our loves for a short time.  The length of time is not the way true love can or should be defined.  I bet you've known couples who've been together for a long time and wondered, "Why do they even stay together?  They don't even seem to like each other!"  Whereas, you and your partner found "it," the almost indefinable thread of love that remains unbroken even in death.

Please come here to talk, read, question, and even scream.  When you're ready and if you want to, tell us about yourself and your partner.  That really helped me in my early grief.  Just having people who not only understood, but who didn't judge or tell me what I "should/shouldn't" do was a balm and has been a real life-saver for me (almost literally on some days!).

We are here; we will listen; you are not alone.

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her_chrissy
2 hours ago, Sheila 1977 said:

I had been in a relationship with my partner for a couple of months and unexpectedly had passed away some people believe that I shouldn't be grieving because we was not in a relationship long but I still am hurting inside missing my partner

Sheila, you're at home here with us, and of course you should be grieving. I'm so sorry for the loss of your partner. My wife and I got married only after a few months, and if she had left me then, I would still feel as though I had lost everything. I knew what I wanted and felt and how I loved. Thank you for being here to share with us. Feel free to share memories or write whatever you are feeling about the loved one lost. -c

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How does anyone have the right to tell you how you should feel?  You fell in love and wanted a future with this person.  Of course you should be devastated right now.  People don't understand unless they've been there.  You can come here whenever you need to.  

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9 hours ago, Sheila 1977 said:

I had been in a relationship with my partner for a couple of months and unexpectedly had passed away some people believe that I shouldn't be grieving because we was not in a relationship long but I still am hurting inside missing my partner

I am so sorry for your loss.  :wub2:Of course you're grieving!  OMG, I don't get people!  I am so sorry they're making you feel any kind of way!  They don't get it because they haven't been there.  It's not about how long you were together, it's about quality of relationship!  I was in a 23 year marriage with a cold unloving partner...then I met George, my soul mate and best friend.  We only knew each other 6 1/2 years, the best years of my life!  It's been 16 1/2 years since he died, and yes, I still carry the torch for him.  He was my person.  When you know, you know.

Whether 2 months or two years or 20, you are entitled to your feelings!  No one here judges you, you are one of us now, come here any time you want to vent, read, post.  We welcome you.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

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