Losing both parents in your 30s

[Kellyrosie]

Hi I’m hoping to speak to someone who’s been through the loss of both their parents, I lost my mum 10 years ago to stomach cancer and now my dad has bile duct cancer which has spread and there’s nothing they can do.

i also lost my brother when I was 19

i am absolutely devastated at the thought of losing him too I don’t know how I will be able to go on, my mums death has impacted me so much I am so so scared to go through it again.

[Axis Dad]

Hey Kelly.
I'm new here, so feel underqualified to offer much but say I absolutely relate to how you feel. I, too lost my mum to cancer almost 11 years ago. I remember thinking at the time, ' so if I live to 70, that'll be over 30 years without her'. It was a beyond awful concept at the time. We were very close. As I am with my dad. He's now quite unwell with Parkinsons, and being that he's in his early 80s, I can't help but get that uneasy, and likely realistic feeling that my time with him is limited. Made even worse by the fact that Covid laws keep restricting us from our regular lunches. And also the fact that because he's particularly vulnerable, I worry about the fact that I could make him unwell if I'm not careful.

I frequently battle with the thought of his funeral. Like I wouldn't want to go. It would be easier to run away and deal with the grief in isolation. I remember having to deal with mum's funeral. I spent days writing. All the organization and choices we have to make when in the depths of grief. It's rough. I try to convince myself that worrying about things in advance serves no purpose but to detract from the fact that right now, things are ok. At some point, they won't be. And we make it through those times, like we did before,  until life throws the next thing at us.   

[Jen H]

I can definitely relate to your story.  My dad passed suddenly in his sleep  in 2008 then my mom started going downhill with her neverending struggle with anorexia and passed rather quickly in 2010.  I was also in my 30s.  I dreaded losing her and did everything I could but this awful disease took her. I had no other family but my disabled brother and disabled daughter so alot was put on my shoulders.  I couldn't believe I lost the only family I ever had.  I did however have my boyfriend the love of my life get me through this heartache.  I only came to this site because I just lost him 3 months ago to cancer.  I'm really struggling that I have to go through this again.  This time all alone.  I get so mad at the world sometimes.  Somehow I'm still able to get through each day the best I can. I have to for my daughter and brother.  Hopefully you have someone, a close friend, mate, child, or even a pet that can give you some kind of comfort and or support.  If not you can always come here.  These people understand more than anyone.  I'm here if u need me.  Praying for you and your family!!!

[pixiepinkpig]

I can relate too. I am 32. I lost my dad at 15 to throat cancer. I lost my mum 30/8/21 and I still can’t get my head around it. She had babysat my child all through the summer holidays, I went away for my birthday , I came home and she had already gone. The last time I saw her was my birthday 24/8/21 I can’t get that out of my head. I never got to say goodbye to her or my dad. They were both gone before I had a chance. No one understands. I hardly hear from anyone these days. 

[Lost now]

I'm 31 and lost my mom unexpectedly. She dad no health issues. I can't live without her. She is my lifeline. I don't know how I will live this long life(if I'm unfortunate then I'll live longer) without her. I haven't left the bed in the last 2 weeks. I thought about ending my life but I can't do that to my dad. I lm so lost

[Jen H]

I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time.  It's been 12 years without both my parents.  I was also in my early thirties.  I never expected to be without them so young.  Don't know how long it's been for you but I can say over time it does get easier.  However you only have one mom and dad so losing them is like losing a part of your heart and no one can ever replace that missing piece.  I understand it feels like you can't go on without her.  The best advice I can give you is just take it one day at a time. Just getting out of bed and doing one small productive thing a day is an accomplishment.  Don't put too much pressure on yourself.  Hopefully you and your dad can give each other support along with other loved ones in your life.  Remember your mom would want you to keep living your life the best you can.  Also remember you will never stop missing or grieving her.  You just somehow learn to live with it.  Best wishes and prayers to you.

[Lost now]

36 minutes ago, Jen H said:

I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time.  It's been 12 years without both my parents.  I was also in my early thirties.  I never expected to be without them so young.  Don't know how long it's been for you but I can say over time it does get easier.  However you only have one mom and dad so losing them is like losing a part of your heart and no one can ever replace that missing piece.  I understand it feels like you can't go on without her.  The best advice I can give you is just take it one day at a time. Just getting out of bed and doing one small productive thing a day is an accomplishment.  Don't put too much pressure on yourself.  Hopefully you and your dad can give each other support along with other loved ones in your life.  Remember your mom would want you to keep living your life the best you can.  Also remember you will never stop missing or grieving her.  You just somehow learn to live with it.  Best wishes and prayers to you.

Thanks Jen for the nice words. It's been two weeks and the pain is unbearable. I'll try to take it day by day. As you said, part of my heart is gone and it's a big part

[Jen H]

Your grieve is so fresh.  It will take time to stop feeling so awful.  I think I was in shock for 6 months when my mom passed away.  I, on the other hand, couldn't stop moving.  I had alot to take care of after she passed and it kept my mind busy.  Then when I finally calmed down, that's when the tears and sadness set in.  She did come to me in a dream where I was looking for her in a park and found her on a bench.  I told her we need to go home and she told me why I'm happy here.  She suffered alot for years with her condition.  That was a big turning point for me.  It's still stabs me in the heart to have her gone like during the holidays.  She always went all out for me and my brother.  And when something happens good or bad and I can't call her.  I know she is always with me though even if it's just in spirit and the memories.  My faith tells me we will be with them one day and that time will be forever.  I have faith you will get through this the best way you can.