Ms.

[Barbara S.]

My boyfriend lost his mother over a month ago, whom he was very close too. He feels guilty, as if he could have prevented her death. His mother was 92 years old, with a number of health issues. He is also caring for his 95 year old father! He has visions when she died, and he can't seem to cope with anything. He doesn't shower or shave very often, he can't work because he is taking care of his father, & we use to have an active sex life, but now he says he can't perform. I am at a loss what to do? I told him to go to counseling, but he refuses. Is there anything I can do for him?

[Jen H]

So sorry you and your boyfriend are going through such a tough time.  Know that it is normal for him to feel like this.  It is still very new and fresh.  Not only did he lose one of the most important person in his life, he has the extra burden of caring and worrying about his only parent left.  He probably is doing everything he can to be there for his father especially if he feels guilty about his mother's death.  I know you truly love him and are worried because you came here.  I've never been in the other shoe.  I came here because I lost my boyfriend of 22 years which is the fourth and worst loss for me.  All I know is I long for someone's support and understanding but have no one left.  He is lucky to have you who loves and cares for him so much.  I don't have all the answers.  All I can tell you is I understand how he feels.  Just keep being there for him. Also there is sites that will give you advice on how to deal with this kind of situation.  Because unless you've been there, you don't really totally understand how devastating it is to loss someone so close to you. 

[Jen H]

Just a little something more from me.  I recommend you just be a good listener to him and don't try to give him any advice or tell him what to do.  Try to get him out every once in awhile.  If he refuses maybe just a walk outside or watching a movie. You can help him out by doing housework or cooking his favorite meals.  Just let him know that he has you if he ever needs someone.  Let him know you love him everyday.  

[Barbara S.]

Thank you so much for your words. I know of all this pain he is feeling, cause before I met him, I lost my husband. At this point, that is all I can do, but listen to him, I told him I would always be here for him. Yes he has said that what everyone says are just words, and are empty to him. I do all that you mentioned, and it is good to know that what I am doing is the right thing. We can only take one day at a time. Thank you again for your empathy.

[JML]

I am sorry for what you are both going through. As for the loss of physical closeness,  you might try to be physically close without expecting your sex life to return to normal immediately. Like giving him a scalp massage, a back rub, or just cuddling st bedtime. If he isn't showering, run him a bath and shampoo his hair. Might eventually help rekindle what you once had. If I have overstepped by these suggestions, I apologize. I hope things get better. 

[Barbara S.]

J, thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate what you said, and I definitely will use your suggestions. 

[JML]

You are welcome. Wishing you the best.