Members Popular Post Jerrold Posted November 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 My girlfriend Eliza died last month from pulmonary embolism. Some stupid doctor prescribed pills that Eliza should not be taking at all. We weren't together long, roughly 8 months, but as a person who's been trying to find happiness for literally decades, I found everything I could ever hope for in those 8 months with her. It was a May-December romance. We were really happy with each other (her friends thanked me for making her happy till her last breath). Such a sweet, hopeful, warm girl lost. I was talking to her online 30 minutes before she died. When I got the call, I just fell to the floor. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't stop crying. It was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced. I like to believe that I'm emotionally resilient despite being prone to depression, but these past two weeks have been really rough. I've been able to function. I exercise. Get some chores and minimal work done, but the waves of grief keep hitting at random times and places. I cry whenever I can. I have a goal in mind of being happy again in the future. But I'd like to know how other people endure the grief or find ways to not be consumed by it on a daily basis. I'm on my fifth book on grief now. The books help, but I wouldn't mind tips from people here. I feel so much anger sometimes. Yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking that I would gladly trade my life for hers. But I know she's not coming back. I know the magnitude of the loss. I just need to survive this pain. 4 12 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Dawn Wms Posted November 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 It's been 18 months for me and I still don't know how to do it. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think there really are "tips." But you seem to be off to a good start in that you want to be happy again. The reality is, so they say, that it is survivable and that people do go on to live fulfilling and happy lives. I am struggling to see that for myself, but there is evidence that people do. It's just really hard. The hardest thing you'll ever do. My husband also died of pulmonary embolism, by the way. It was sudden and oh so unexpected. He was healthy and fit and too young to die. I struggle with it everyday. I don't have any answers, I only have empathy. It's great that you are functioning well, but it would also be OK if you just took some time to collapse into your grief. Speaking of books, have you read, "It's OK that you're not OK"? It was the one I found most relatable. Wish I had a tip for you, but, like I said, I don't think it's about tips. It's just sheer, agonizing endurance. I wish you well. 7 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jerrold Posted November 12, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 Thank you, @Dawn Wms. I'm very sorry for your loss, too. The shock and trauma of sudden death is unbelievable. Perhaps "guidance" would have been a better term instead of "tips." I suppose it's just me being in problem-solving mode (I blame my profession), which on second thought might not be the best way to look at grief, since it's not so much a problem as a process we all have to go through. But I think you're right. It may be all about sheer endurance. Taking it day by day in our own ways. This is so difficult. I've read "It's OK that you're not OK" and I agree that it's the most relatable. I'm on my fifth book now and I still think that one's the best. "Resilient Grieving" comes in second. If you haven't read that, you may want to try it, too. Thank you again. I really appreciate the reply and I wish you well in your healing. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Perro J Posted November 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 My condolences Jerrold. It does come in waves. The frequency and intensity lessens but at almost 16 months I can only say it is more endurable. It has not gone away and I no longer expect it to. Others have reported after still more time being able to re-engage in life. I do things but I don't feel like I have turned the corner, so to speak. Perhaps one day there will be reason to be happy again. I guess I think of this as a marathon rather than a sprint. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Hang in there. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jerrold Posted November 12, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 Quote I guess I think of this as a marathon rather than a sprint. I'm not sure how else to describe it. Thank you, @Perro J. I was a runner for a couple of years. I found it a lonely endeavor, but it was always necessary to finish all the laps. It's a good analogy. But judging from everything I've heard and read, it looks like this process won't have a definite finish line. I just hope I do reach a place someday where this grief becomes consistently bearable. I miss her so much. I think of her everyday, but I also want to learn how to live again. I was afraid of writing here at first, but I'm glad I finally did. Your replies have been helpful. Thank you again and I wish everyone here relief and healing. 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Aranarth Posted November 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 The same thing just happened to me except I was married to her for 18 years. I'm so sorry for your loss. 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jerrold Posted November 12, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 Very sorry for your loss, too @Aranarth. Hope we can all find ways to heal and support each other. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post SSC Posted November 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 From some one who is grieving long term my suggestion would be to do your best to continue with normal everyday life. Yes, have time for yourself to “let go” but do not shut yourself off from the world totally. This can become a dangerous dark pit that is difficult to pull oneself out of (I am living proof) Routine is good as is letting yourself feel all your feelings. It’s a horrible balance until hopefully crying becomes less a part of your day. Hopefully some joyful moments peek in with laughter and the sadness won’t become all consuming. Stay busy (enough) move, even if you don’t want to surround yourself with supportive family and friends come here to read and vent. Everyone here “gets it” 8 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted November 12, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 14 hours ago, Jerrold said: I'd like to know how other people endure the grief Everything in life is now "before" or "after" that point in time. He was my everything. My soulmate, best friend, love, we understood each other, lit up each other's world, had amazing communication and connection. I was married for 23 years before him, we never had that. Not even close. It's been 16+ years since George died, there is no one like him... I have learned more on this grief journey than I've learned in my whole life put together. Rich lessons, about myself. I've learned I'm strong, resilient, that I can count on myself, I've grown moxie since he died...he was my protector, now I have to be that for myself. I've survived much since that time, surgeries alone, other losses (mom, sister, friends, dogs, cats) and am now losing another sister to dementia. She counts on me as she lost her husband a year ago. I've survived job losses, age discrimination, snowpocalypse (no elec or water for over 8 days, no phone for 18 days, couldn't go anywhere, too much snow, hwy closed, no plow, food gone bad), I know George would be proud of me, and he is with me in spirit. I look forward to the day we can be together again. Meanwhile I've learned to treasure, embrace, whatever good there is, I've learned the practice of living in the present moment. I've learned not to compare as it devalues. I hope you will continue coming here and posting/reading...the people here are like a family, we support and encourage each other, we truly care about each other. And as Dr. Phil says, it helps to have a routine. I've found that to be true. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 13 hours ago, Jerrold said: "It's OK that you're not OK" Megan Devine, excellent book, also CS Lewis A Grief Observed. 3 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted November 12, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 13 hours ago, Jerrold said: Taking it day by day in our own ways. So true. We can tell you what we've learned, offer tips, but ultimately we all do this our own way. 12 hours ago, Perro J said: It has not gone away and I no longer expect it to. For sure, grief has a beginning but not an ending, it does, however, evolve with time. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Yoli Posted November 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 12, 2021 Jerrold, my partner passed the same way out of the blue and horrific to witness. I am haunted everyday by those images and last words spoken. Tomorrow will be 18 months and I don't quite know how I have made it this far. When I was at the stage you are now I was a barely functioning shell of a human being. You sound remarkably more in control. It will be a roller coaster and all you can do is hold on for the ride. Let your emotions come whenever they appear. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve - the grief is yours. I have learnt alot over the past 18 months and a great majority of it about human nature. I have also learnt that I love Indy more intensely than I even knew on a conscious level. I just rambled but know you can find kindred spirits here. Take Care 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted November 13, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 13, 2021 5 hours ago, Yoli said: . . . I have also learnt that I love Indy more intensely than I even knew on a conscious level. . . . Yoli, Your words ring true for me as well. I loved my husband for 40 years, but after his death and throughout my grief journey I became more aware of how deeply my existence was entwined with his. It still is. Gail Jerrold, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't think there is any guidance that can make this easier or shorter. Your mind and body have to find a way through the minefield of your grief. Here we try to support each other as we all know how terrible this is. Feel free to post, to vent or share, as much or as little as you care to. Often reading the posts of others can also bring comfort, as you can see that others are feeling complex, conflicting and confusing emotions, just as you are. It's nice to know you are not going crazy (or you are not the only one going crazy). Take life one day at a time and be kind to yourself, those are my main words of advice. This can be a long journey. So sorry you have reason to join us here, but welcome. Gail 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted November 13, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 13, 2021 @Jerrold So sorry for your loss, Jerrold. My wife died suddenly in front of my eyes in a hospital room from ..... pulmonary embolism, several wks after a successful routine surgery. I'm only 6 months into my grief walk so I'm not sure how much guidance I can offer compared to the wisdom of previous posters. But I understand the anger and how the waves of grief come, and the tears. I am also prone to depression. I have found it's better to just let all this wash over me and be with it than push it away. Be with it. Feel it. It will come regardless. This forum has helped me tremendously. I can see that others understand this pain. The resources of Forever Family Foundation have been a Godsend. And prayer. I talk to God daily. I talk to my beautiful wife daily. I keep a journal of signs from my wife. That has truly saved me I believe. I know some of this might not be relevant to your situation or personal beliefs, just sharing what has "helped" me. Wishing you peace today, 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jerrold Posted November 14, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 14, 2021 Thank you everyone. I'm learning from all your responses. I broke down this morning, but I’d like to believe this is a slightly better day. I started this thread after a string of terrible days of continuous crying, but I think my brain is headed for a little break. My Eliza was a generous, warm, beautiful young woman who was loved by everyone. She deserved so much more in life. The fact that her future was robbed from her really tears me apart, as much as the future I lost with her. I know life is unfair, but nothing really prepared me for this. I've been trying to manage the pain without denying it. I surrender to grief when I must, but I try not to dwell on the pain for too long because I'm afraid of losing control over myself. I've had nervous breakdowns and suicidal thoughts years ago. I can't allow myself to revisit those dark places. Somehow, in the middle of mourning, I have to be aware enough to keep separating the grief from self-destructive thinking. We were discussing our age gap one time. Told her she should prepare herself because statistically I was more likely to die first. She said it was fine. She was looking forward to 30 to 40 years with me. I have a healthy sense of humor about everything, but this irony is beyond words. I just want to be happy again someday. I’m 44, approximately in the middle of my life unless Life wants to make me the butt of another stupid joke. I want to honor Eliza by trying to live a full life with the remaining years I have. I look forward to the day when this pain becomes bearable. 4 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted November 14, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 14, 2021 Jerrold, My deepest condolences on your loss. You’ve gotten some great insight here. 5 hours ago, Jerrold said: I just want to be happy again someday. I’m 44, approximately in the middle of my life unless Life wants to make me the butt of another stupid joke. I want to honor Eliza by trying to live a full life with the remaining years I have. I look forward to the day when this pain becomes bearable. I think you are on the right path in healing, and adjusting to your new normal. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 14, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted November 14, 2021 5 hours ago, Jerrold said: I want to honor Eliza by trying to live a full life with the remaining years I have. That is a beautiful way to look at it. The pain does dull eventually, although none of us can say when, it's different for everyone. With your amazing attitude I think you will be resilient, our attitude factors in. I hope that for you. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 16, 2021 On 11/12/2021 at 9:24 AM, SSC said: Routine is good as is letting yourself feel all your feelings. It’s a horrible balance until hopefully crying becomes less a part of your day. SSC: I have found that having some sort of routine every day helps. It acts as a distraction. I'm not trying to push my grief away but rather, I am almost able to control the tears now. I try to keep busy with a routine and then have a crying session later. Sometimes it works, sometimes not but I do know that when I am busy with trying to meet my goals for the day (chores) I feel a little better. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted November 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted November 16, 2021 On 11/11/2021 at 7:57 PM, Jerrold said: Get some chores and minimal work done, but the waves of grief keep hitting at random times and places. I cry whenever I can. I have a goal in mind of being happy again in the future. Jerrold: I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is extremely painful. I think it's good that you are trying to keep some sort of a routine. That's what I do. But it's not easy because yes, the waves of grief keep hitting at random times. It's good that you cry. And it's good that you are setting goals, especially to be happy again. That is what I am going to try doing. I want to honor my husband's memory and see if I can make it. I want to enjoy life again. I don't know what "that life" will look like but I want to try. I've come to realize that I might have to carry my grief with me into the future. It's a part of me because my husband was. I am going to have to carry it with me like any other baggage I have. And I wouldn't say the other baggage I have has necessarily prevented me from enjoying life so.... 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post SDC Posted November 17, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted November 17, 2021 I'm so sorry for your loss. All deaths are hard, but unexpected, sudden deaths add another layer of trauma. My spouse died last April after an accident---a healthy 56 year old went to the grocery and never returned. Love is love so don't ever diminish how you feel because you weren't with your girlfriend for decades. You wrote: "But I'd like to know how other people endure the grief or find ways to not be consumed by it on a daily basis." From my perspective, grief can't be managed--especially new grief. I think it's imperative to feel how you feel and roll with it. If you try to manage it or push it away it will only return. Grief, especially new grief, is consuming and that is OK. It sounds trite but you endure it by going through it. Try to healthy foods. Drink lots of water. Continue to exercise. Do the best you can to take care of your physical self because it helps your body deal with the emotional onslaught. Others probably gave you specific coping advice, but I wanted to reiterate the necessity to feel as bad as you feel when it comes because feeling the worst **** is how the pain becomes tolerable and less consuming. Take good care. 6 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted November 17, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted November 17, 2021 2 hours ago, SDC said: Grief, especially new grief, is consuming and that is OK So true, we do well to get out of bed and get dressed. Let alone function. Eating/drinking is hard to remember. Focus is nigh impossible. All at a time when we have more demands made upon us, people to call, funeral to plan, medical bills to figure out, bank, insurance and soc. sec. to contact, let alone trying to grieve... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Lost My Love Posted January 9, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 9, 2022 I am new to any of this online stuff, but I have to say reading this page has helped me look at things a little better, for now at least, I lost my Wonderful Love of my life of 20 years Nov.19th to covid,, She was in the hospital for 26 days fighting with all She had, She was a very healthy and strong little girl. I am also having a really hard time moving and even trying to think about the future without Her, I have always been a loner my whole life, somehow I found Her and She made me complete, then I finally had a best Friend, never really had one before Her. I am not much for social gatherings or crowds, now I just find myself alone like before, hate to be in our home missing Her so bad with all Her things and can not hardly stand to leave the house or even go to the store for fear of seeing someone I know and they want to ask me "how are you doing", I have cried several times every day since She passed, and when people want to ask this I really do not know how to respond, I know they are being polite but they Really do not want me to tell them how bad I am really doing. Most of the time I just say oh I am fine and have to rush away before I break down right then. Saying grief is consuming is totally correct like nothing ever said before... 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted January 9, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 9, 2022 Lost My Love, I am so sorry you are in this pain. The "how are you doing?" question is one many of us dread. You are correct that very few people want to hear the truthful answer to that question. For most of the casual acquaintances that asked, I just responded with something vague like "I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances." or just "fine". But for people who were our friends, I found it more difficult to give that sort of vague 'okay' type answer, so I gave an answer that felt more honest to me. I said "I haven't yet found a way to live without him." I gave that response for over 3 years. It was probably somewhat uncomfortable for people to hear, especially for that long, but it felt more honest to me. I wasn't okay. I was still lost without him. It felt like a very big shift when I was finally able to answer "I am starting to find a way to live without him." You will find the phrase that works for you. It may be that untruthful "fine" works for you most of the time. It is exhausting pretending to be okay when you are not. But it is also impossible to tell everyone how you are really feeling. Gail 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jerrold Posted January 9, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 9, 2022 7 hours ago, Lost My Love said: I am not much for social gatherings or crowds, now I just find myself alone like before, hate to be in our home missing Her so bad with all Her things and can not hardly stand to leave the house or even go to the store for fear of seeing someone I know and they want to ask me "how are you doing", I have cried several times every day since She passed, and when people want to ask this I really do not know how to respond, I know they are being polite but they Really do not want me to tell them how bad I am really doing. Most of the time I just say oh I am fine and have to rush away before I break down right then. Saying grief is consuming is totally correct like nothing ever said before... I'm not much for crowds and social gatherings either. I've pretty much avoided them during the holidays. But if anything, these last three months have taught me to be more open to the very few friends I have. I think of my love everyday, but I don't cry as much. It's the depression that is persistent and I'm trying to manage that. I meditate outside and do some cardio first thing in the morning. I take late afternoon walks every other day, or whenever possible. Basically anything to get out of my head and gain some perspective. Grief consumes, but I know I'm not just my grief and I have to keep reminding myself that every day. It's such a huge struggle. I'm hoping the best for you. I hope you still have a few people to turn to. They are literal lifesavers. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 9, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 9, 2022 9 hours ago, Lost My Love said: I lost my Wonderful Love of my life of 20 years Nov.19th to covid I am so sorry, way too young and the hardest journey of my life! My husband died suddenly/unexpectedly just after his 51st bdy. I came home from the hospitall, empty handed, facing his birthday banner, still up. No one should have to go through this. I didn't know where to start. Three weeks later I found a grief site and it was a lifesaver to me. I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps for processing our grief and also having a place where others understand and get it. A place you don't feel so on your own with it. Family/friends may care but not have a clue what you're going through. Until it happens to you...and we don't wish that on anyone. All these years later my sister lost her husband of 50 years and she knows I get it. This is an ever evolving journey, and my "tips" aren't a one-size-fits-all, random order, just shared for consideration...if something doesn't strike you today, it could on down the road so I hope you'll save/print this for future reference... I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lost My Love Posted January 9, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 9, 2022 Thank You All for the support and suggestions, Thank You Gail, I will use the "Doing the best I can" as my default response, I am just not much of an open person, and Karla, my wife was the only person I was ever comfortable opening up to and actually talking feelings with. Talking feelings, She used to give me a little hard time for not showing my feelings, 20 years and She never seen me cry, not that I did not tear up at times, but certainly making up for it now over Her... Jerrold, the real depression for me I think is just starting to sink in, think I am still in shock and disbelief right now, I do go walking quite often weather permitting, something Her and I loved to do together and I really want to keep it up for myself and Her. KayC, Thank You also, I will most likely do more reading than posting but that is just me, again I am just not a real open person but I do appreciate and understand now how hard this is for so many people, Your Tips are Very Well written, You are obviously a very carrying, smart and compassionate, reminds me a lot of Karla... I noticed You are from Oregon, Karla lived there from 3 to 12 years old, in Grants Pass, said it was the most beautiful place in the country, She loved going up into the mountains and the huge trees. Again Thank You All 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted January 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 12 hours ago, Jerrold said: Grief consumes, but I know I'm not just my grief and I have to keep reminding myself that every day. Jerrold: I like what you posted. That is a very good way of looking at it and maybe it's because it's the truth. I figure the grief will always be with me, so I think I need to figure out how to carry it as I try to move forward. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 10, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 23 hours ago, Lost My Love said: She loved going up into the mountains and the huge trees. Her and I are cut from the same cloth then! I live in the mountains above Oakridge, have my own forest and 1st Creek (sounds like Roaring Rapids right now!)...I like her already! I'm a nature/wildlife kind of person. Grants Pass is beautiful. I grew up in Eugene, it was vastly different when I was a child, back then there was no crime and traffic wasn't so heavy. Beautiful city though with lots of greenery and a river running through it (Willamette). This is the hardest journey I've ever embarked on, with a beginning but no end. I hope having this site helps you through this, it was one like this (but smaller) that saved my life when I lost my George. If I had died, he'd have found this site and been on it! He was very much a people person. On 1/9/2022 at 3:55 AM, Jerrold said: I'm not just my grief and I have to keep reminding myself that every day. That is a very good quote, I haven't thought of it that way and it IS good to remind ourselves of that! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lost My Love Posted January 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 10, 2022 Yes, She had been back since She was a kid, and said it had changed a lot from when she was little, She really loved it though, We were planning a trip some day, of course we had lots of plans, Her Dad is in His 80's is in a wheel chair (Guillain-Barré syndrome) the last 9 or 10 years and we could not get far away from Him. I think I will still go out there some time just to see, in Her memory, She really wanted to take me out there, she also owns property in Ontario Canada that I have never seen yet either, but that would be Her Brothers (Think He may still go with me some day) now since it was in both there names... Karla was very much a People person, everyone She knew absolutely Loved Her, She said there is good in everyone, for some reason it seems I always encounter the opposite type of people... Jerrold; Thanks for this, I also am going keep reminding myself of this, seems as sometimes Grief consumes me takes over, going to keep telling myself this quote. Thank You Grief consumes, but I know I'm not just my grief and I have to keep reminding myself that every day 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 11, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 11, 2022 @Lost My Love Your post is very touching, you can tell what you have together, it doesn't justt go away because they transitioned to what's next, always our love is with us. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lost My Love Posted January 12, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2022 Thank You 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ken57 Posted January 12, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2022 On 11/11/2021 at 8:57 PM, Jerrold said: My girlfriend Eliza died last month from pulmonary embolism. Some stupid doctor prescribed pills that Eliza should not be taking at all. We weren't together long, roughly 8 months, but as a person who's been trying to find happiness for literally decades, I found everything I could ever hope for in those 8 months with her. @Jerrold, so sorry to hear about your loss. I think the duration of the relationship does not matter, but rather the intensity and closeness of it. I can’t offer too many tips other than what has been already as I have also been in this situation for about 7 weeks only and trying to cope. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jerrold Posted February 11, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 11, 2022 It was Eliza's birthday yesterday. I've been doing quite well the weeks before that. I've been consistent with my meditation, daily walks and workouts, keeping busy despite being jobless. Then 2 days before her birthday, things just started to fall apart again. Yesterday felt almost like the day she died. No appetite, no energy for anything. Pretty much just cried the whole day. Her best friends posted photos and videos of her and it just hurt so much. She was a very pretty young woman who was so generous and warm. I waited so long to fall in love with someone and she was everything I needed. Of course, these past four months, I've learned to recognize that these painful feelings won't really last. They will subside and I'll be able to continue moving forward. It just hurts so much and I'm so scared of not experiencing that kind of happiness again. All irrational fears, of course. I just need to let it out. I miss her. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMkm Posted February 11, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 11, 2022 It's hard to get through the days. I don't have much advice but I feel the way most people do. Except I tell people exactly how I feel so I don't hold on to it. I tell people that I am suicidal and getting through each day is very hard. I lost my wife last December to cancer afte two months of fighting. She was only 36 and we have two young kids (9 and 7). They are the only reason I am here still, and I will fight every day. The grief squeezes all emotion from me except sadness. I break down everyday and cry as hard as I need to then I get back up and continue on. The people on here have given me hope for the future not by saying that everything will be ok but by telling me the truth. The truth that you will feel happiness again but your new normal will be different. I haven't read anything but certain quotes really inspire me. One piece of advice a spiritual friend gave me. Life isn't an end point, it is a place we go as spirits to feel emotion and all senses. We must feel pain and love also touch and taste. We come from energy when we entered our bodies and we will go back to energy when we die. It's like being on vacation, and we love it there but we still have to go home in the end. I can't imagine your pain or anyone else's cause we all feel it differently but just do what you feel is going to help. I can't go back to work cause of what my job but I keep busy enough to occupy my mind and it will drift back to absolute sadness and I break down but that's grief for me. I hope that you find your way through this. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted February 11, 2022 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted February 11, 2022 @Jerrold I'm sorry, I know how very hard those days are...over the passing years it's not as rough as the first couple/three years but still, they can hit us. I learned to expect grief waves to hit at any given moment, anything, the most mundane thing in the world, can trigger it. Sometimes in the car, at work, in the grocery store, or in a van taking me to/from work when at the car repair. No warning. I learned to ride the waves, not fight them. To honor my grief and sit with my pain. Now it's something inside of me that I carry. And no, I've never felt like I did when George was alive, there's nothing that can replicate that. I've learned how to do life w/o it, which hasn't been easy, but I do it by focusing on the good that IS in my life now (my puppy), nature, serenity, peace, wildlife...whatever brings you any comfort. Even a good cup of coffee. A smile from a neighbor. And (rarely) a hug. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 6, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 6, 2022 @jeroldI'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my soulmate of only a short time as well on Christmas eve although we knew each other in college. I just can't believe he is gone and like you I have those wave of emotions. The sadness brings you to a lonely and dark place. I can relate. Reading the posts on here let's me know that there are others going through the same and I take comfort in that. We have to hang in there. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jerrold Posted March 10, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2022 On 3/6/2022 at 8:04 PM, RN-Nix said: @jeroldI'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my soulmate of only a short time as well on Christmas eve although we knew each other in college. I just can't believe he is gone and like you I have those wave of emotions. The sadness brings you to a lonely and dark place. I can relate. Reading the posts on here let's me know that there are others going through the same and I take comfort in that. We have to hang in there. Hi @RN-Nix. I'm hoping the best for your healing. I've been relying on mindfulness meditation, travel and work to get me out of that dark place. The weight in my chest is still there, but I'm learning everyday to channel grief into more creative outputs because, frankly, I don't have much of a choice. I'm trying to honor her through my art and, in the process, find solid ground from which to move forward day by day. Eliza has a permanent space in me that I hope to turn from a place of sorrow to a source of strength. I hope you find your own way as well. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2022 Good morning and thank you. I too am finding my way and I have shared with a few others. I will try to send it to you. I have always been a spiritual person and I use the examples that I have from my near death experience to guide me. Our loved ones are present just in another realm. Their physical body is gone but their soul is gone....I feel like I'm being drawn to write a book as I have other published work or even do some kind of visual on this process and what I've learned. This morning I was reminded that my near death experience was for a purpose and now that I lost someone I cared deeply for my experience was to prepare me for this event and to help others on this journey . It's still painful but this is not the end 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 10, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 10, 2022 @KMkm everything you've said was perfect. Your wife needs you here for the kids.. We WILL meet our loved ones again. I am not convinced earth is the end . We are on borrowed time and just passing through. Some of us stay longer others such as babies take their first breath and die (that physical death). We want them here with us and that's the painful part. The emptiness and loneliness consumes us. I'm now under the impression that we have to tap into our spiritual side in order to understand why we are going through this because we all have an appointed day and time. We just don't know the day nor the hour. Sending you and your kids a big hug. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RN-Nix Posted March 11, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 11, 2022 @Jerroldit's been 2 months and a few days for me and I hate to say it but the waves will continue to hit you for a while. I've been doing ok this week ...ok meaning not crying my eyes out but now I'm sitting in our favorite spot on the sofa and I want to cry my eyes out. I miss him terribly. I often tell myself crying every hour of the day will not bring him back and I don't feel better when I cry. It's just an empty feeling on the inside. I hope you had peace in your mind today. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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