She's gone

[Vinny_boombhats]

Almost 2 months ago, my love passed away.

She was the light in this dark and dreary existence.

In my devastating heartache, I wrote this:

These tears are here to stay.

And some just wash away,

the me, I used to be.

The clouds are rolling in,

they shroud the light that's been,

despite my drowning plea,

The radiance that once so bloomed,

 is now, perfectly consumed.

 Darkness now prevails, it's all that's left to see.

 

[John9]

Vinny_boombhats,

I am sorry for your loss, and sorry that you are now in the club none of us wanted to join or even know about. I "like" the poem that you wrote and am sorry that you had to feel it. I found the writing here to help me and also I have been writing in my "notebooks" since my wife died, the people here are very supportive and I hope that you continue to return for support. I also hope you have people close to help you with the grieving process, every little bit will make a difference I believe. I hope for the best for you.

[foreverhis]

Hi Vinny.  I too am so sorry that you have reason to be here with us.  Your loss and grief are so new, so shocking that it's hard to feel or see anything else.  I know this to be true.  What is also true, at least for most of us, is that time--and lots of it, as in many months and even years, not days and weeks--helps us figure out ways to carry the burden with us as we slowly, so slowly, make our way forward into a life we didn't want or expect.  It was so gradual for me that I didn’t realize it until I “looked back” at about 18 months and saw the steps forward I had taken.

We don't "get over it" or "move on," no matter what anyone says.  What we do, if we are lucky to have help and comfort, is build enough strength to allow our grief to evolve so that it is not the crushing, excruciating weight it is for the first many months.  No one who hasn't "been there" can understand.  Even those who love us most can only sympathize and, if they're smart, admit they can't "know how we feel."

This is a really good place to be.  We are all in different situations in life, but we have one thing in common:  We have lost the loves of our lives.  You will walk a grief journey that is unique to you, but please be assured, we are all walking the same painful road together.  Being here has really helped me through some of the worst times I could imagine.

I too am a writer and, though it's not my forte, have written several poems to, for, and about my husband and my grief. Your poem is a beautiful testament to your love.  It's helpful to just let things spew out however they will.  Some people journal, while others don't find that helpful.  I don't journal, but do tend to go to stream of consciousness when things get to be too much and I need to let it out.  I also talk to my husband, out loud at home or sitting by the water where I hope the wind carries my voice to him.  It's not as much as at first, but I still talk to him every day.  Do whatever helps you even a little bit because that's all you can ask of yourself right now. 

Please come here to read, write/talk, question, rant, or even "scream" whenever you need it.  We are here for each other.  We may not respond right away (time zones, life situations, etc.), but you will never be alone when you are here.

Here's a short poem I wrote a year or so after my husband died:

Home

Our home

Now a house

A place to wait

Until I am with you

And I am home again

[tnd]

I offer you my condolences, Vinny_boommbhats. I am sorry for your pain and the sorrow you feel. I myself had just described it as being in a dark, cavernous hole and being unable to see the sky above or any light. It is by far the most painful thing I have ever felt. We share our stories on here and any coping mechanisms that might help. We all cry, we all struggle with this pain and we can relate. But it's not just that we come here to grieve together but I have formed new and very special friendships. Hope you will too. We are all here for you. Take care.   

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing this with us, I appreciate your poem as I'm sure all of us do.  I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post, it helps us process our grief, it can take much time.
I can especially relate to 

20 hours ago, Vinny_boombhats said:

She was the light in this dark and dreary existence.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Vinny_boombhats]

Thank you everyone for the kind and thoughtful words.

 

She passed on July 26th. She was only 34.

 

These past few days have been exceptionally rough.

 

I'm not exactly sure what set off this overwhelming tide of sorrow.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Vinny_boombhats said:

I'm not exactly sure what set off this overwhelming tide of sorrow.

Vinny_boombhats:  Doesn't matter what set it off, it happens and will keep happening. For how long I don't know. Some days are a tad easier than others. Then all of a sudden, a wave of sorrow and tears hits. Hard. I don't try holding it back anymore. I let it out. Some days it hits just in the morning and later at night. Some days it is all day. It's exhausting. We can try to put our minds on something else or get busy with work or things but then seemingly out of nowhere, it creeps up again as if to torment us. But don't deny it, don't push it back. Let it out. Our brains are in "grief mode" and we may not get answers to our questions. Emotions are emotions. I feel sad because I am sad. And I imagine I will feel this way for a long time. But I am trying to work on adding some sort of positivity type space in my brain so I don't just have the sadness.   

[John9]

I agree with tnd, you are going to have some days that are not as bad as others. My wife died in March and I am a total wreck, the reason I had asked if you have support was that if you do it will definitely help and if not try to find something that helps you. We are here as much as we can be for each other and how you feel is how you feel when you feel it. Tell us when you are ready to tell us whatever you want to tell us. I come here to vent, complain, cry, explain, just write there is no real judgement here just people who have gone through their own "version" of this painful experience. Grief is personal and nobody knows exactly what you are going through but a lot of us have been through a lot. I have lost too much in the last 2 years and this site has been helping me by allowing me to be myself and say what I need to say. Please keep coming back, grief brain will mess with you and you need people who understand that.

[Diane R. E.]

Vinny_boombhats; your poem is very touching. My sincere condolences for your loss and for the journey you are going through.