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I carry all the guilt of my cat dying


Jen.mar.80

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Jen.mar.80

My cat was my baby. She got me through a breakup then a horribly painful divorce. She was always right by my side through every tear every heartache. I noticed her losing weight in December of 2019. She was diagnosed with diabetes January 2nd of 2020. It took awhile to find the right dose of insulin. In July of 2020 we underestimated the amount of insulin she had left. I called her vet to see if I could pick up a vial and they said they close in 15 mins and if they had to wait for me then it would be an extra 250 dollars. I couldn’t afford both the medicine and the extra fee so I had to wait. That was a Friday. On Sunday I noticed her refusing to eat and being lethargic. I called the emergency vet and they say they don’t have insulin on hand. I picked up her insulin first thing Monday morning but she never came back around. Wednesday night her kidneys started failing and we had to make the decision to say goodbye to my heart. I carry the guilt around and cry everyday. I have not been the same since I said goodbye to her. I feel 100 percent responsible for her death and I can’t or won’t forgive myself. I’ve been to therapy and am now on antidepressants to help with the guilt and shame 

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I am so sorry for your loss, and also for the guilt you're feeling/enduring.  Many of us feel this when we lose them, we go through all of the coulda/wouldas in an effort to find a different possible ending because the one that happened is too hard for us to accept.  It could have been she would have died anyway.  My boss' dog got diabetes and had insulin but still died within a few months.  I'm a moderator at once Diabetic site and an admin. at another, I'm continually learning about it.  People last with it much longer than animals seem to.

I am glad you are getting some help, sometimes something is too much for us to deal with by ourselves and they're trained for that purpose.  Also always learning...

Your cat is not holding this against you, rather they appreciate all we did for them and love us, just as we love them.

My Arlie (dog) was my life, my perfect dog, I love/d him with all my being!  He had acute chronic Colitis all his life, something the rescue hadn't told me, and he could not tolerate antibiotics, I had to control it through diet.  The Science diet they had him on (because it was free for them) was crap, and I researched and found a dogfood he could tolerate (no gluten or filler) but he could only have 2 cups/day and I cooked the other 2 cups of food/day for him (he was a gentle giant).  The Colitis diet was brown rice, 8 different vegetables and extra lean meat, he could not tolerate any grease/spice.  He had his physical, passed (he was nearly 10 1/2) and came back two weeks later for a teeth cleaning, they took blood tests.  It was then that they told me he had inoperable cancer, numbers off the chart, liver shutting down.  No hope for him.  I provided hospice for him for two months, ten days, and did well keeping him alive that long with Milk Thistle for his liver, SAM-e for his mood, and CBD oil for pain.  He died.  I felt horribly guilty as any rice is a carb and feeds cancer.  Yet he wouldn't have made it through Colitis all his life had I not!  It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  I've had to accept what happened regardless.  Acceptance does not mean you like it or are okay with it, none of us ever are!  It merely means, in psychological terms, that we REALIZE they died.  It upended my life.  It felt unbearable to go on walks without him so my neighbor suggested I walk her chow.  Ten months of walking him resulted in severe injuries (one from a strong sharp pull to the right, the other a severe no-warning bite!).  I now live with very severe loss of strength and immense pain, surgery on my right hand made it way worse.  

How do we handle all this?  I tried adopting, I got more bites (the Rescue lied to me about the dog).  My son finally found a puppy and brought him to me.  He saved my life.  He's not Arlie, he never will be, the things I loved about my Arlie are gone with him.  But he brought new things to the table with his own personality and I love him immensely.  

I lost my 25 year old Kitty 4 1/2 months after Arlie died.  I never dreamed she'd die, yes I knew she was old, but she lived through everything, I thought she'd always live, she seemed to!  I haven't been able to get a cat since.  Someday I believe I will, but it hasn't been the right time as I''m taking care of my severely disabled blind dementia ridden sister.  I've had a cat ever since I was an adult (I'm nearly 70 now) and it feels unfathomable to me that I don't have one.  Arlie, Kitty, Miss Mocha and I were a family of four, now I'm the only one left.  They just don't live long enough.  :(  I believe we will be with them again. :wub:  One thing that helped me was writing about them here:

 
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I know, I thought nothing could be more painful than losing my soulmate and best friend, my husband, 16 years ago.  Losing Arlie hurt just as much, he was my companion for 10 1/2 years, the perfect dog for me, the moment I laid eyes on his perky ears and beautiful smile, I knew we had to be together.  It's the hardest thing in the world losing them.  At least with Kitty I knew she'd lived a long life and it was her time to rest, she'd had a horrid first half of her life, but I promised her a forever home when I got her and I gave her that.  I take consolation in what I did right and how much I loved them...and them me.

Wishing you only peace and comfort as you struggle to make your way through this.  We're here, listening...

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I am so sorry for your loss @Jen.mar.80 I understand your guilt. I feel responsible for my cat getting into something at the vacation house we were staying at which made him violently sick and within 2 hours were putting him out of his misery at the emergency vet. It was horrible.

I've been on this forum for 4 years now, I have read about all kinds of tragedies. People accidentally leaving a window open, which led to the cat getting out and then on that one night, being attacked by coyotes. It's often a series of things that went wrong. Or they can't afford to continue medicine or expensive surgery. 

Not one person intended to harm their cat, they all loved them. We do the best we can. Accidents, small oversights (leaving a door open), money issues, issues with vets, really bad timing - sometimes all of those at once. 

Your intention was to get your cat what she needed but a series of things went wrong, not to mention her very fragile health - of which you have no control.      

You must give yourself more grace and understanding. Honor your sweet kitty who had the instinct to be your companion and love you, by forgiving yourself. I know it is hard. I know it hurts believe me. You deserve peace.

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21 hours ago, KayC said:

I take consolation in what I did right and how much I loved them...and them me.

 

11 hours ago, AJWCat said:

You must give yourself more grace and understanding. Honor your sweet kitty who had the instinct to be your companion and love you, by forgiving yourself.

Yes, both of these.

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