Members Popular Post mfreedmn97 Posted September 5, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 5, 2021 I’m new to this group. First post. I lost the love of my life to cancer on Friday. Like many of you I am heartbroken. Marlene was my friend my partner lover high school sweetheart. She kept me grounded. Taught me about life and love for 45 years. Recently retired I’m terrified of what I’m going to next. How to move on from this. What to do with my life. This is going to be hard. Thanks for ‘listening’. 4 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 5, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted September 5, 2021 I am so sorry for you loss! Cancer is a destroyer and so hard to watch, right now my best friend has it and has chosen not to fight it with chemo/surgery, it scares me for her but I have to accept and support her in her chosen way. I'm amazed you were able to post this fresh in, it took me a couple of weeks to go looking for a site and then I found griefhealing.com it was a huge help to me but I added this one a few years later as it gets more traffic, the other one has a wonderful adm/counselor with tons of info, articles, etc. that was helpful over the years. Thankfully no decisions need to be made immediately, those are questions that can take a while for you to figure out, right now it's good just to remember to breathe, to get up and dressed, remember to eat something & drink some water. My daughter followed me around with food/water for a few days! It's been 16 years since I suddenly lost my soulmate and best friend, we didn't meet until our mid 40s and he died barely 51 so I felt very gypped, shocked, but I feel thankful to have had him in my life for any length of time and am so glad to have had his love, and he mine, he was the world to me. It helps to express yourself with others that "get it" and understand, so I'm glad you made your way here and hope you'll continue to read and post here. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted September 5, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 5, 2021 6 hours ago, mfreedmn97 said: How to move on from this. What to do with my life. This is going to be hard. Thanks for ‘listening’. Welcome. I'm so sorry you have a reason to be here, but this is a very good place to be. I lost my beloved husband to cancer 3 years ago. There's no two ways around it: Cancer is a thieving bastard, causing misery to those who suffer from it and those who love them. I want to address what I quoted above. We do not "move on" from losing the loves of our lives. It's really important to understand that, IMO. With time--months and years, not days or weeks--and with help, we start to move forward into a different life path. Not a road we would have ever chosen, but one we each must forge for ourselves. It's a slow and painful journey, unique to each of us. As we are able to start that journey, we bring our love, our memories, and our grief with us. We do not ever leave our loves behind and move on or get over it. Right now, please try to focus on today only. Do what you need to do (legal stuff, etc.), get out of bed, get dressed, try to eat something healthy (or not--I had more comfort food in the first 6 months after than I'd had in quite some time). Breathe. Try not to look down the road into a future of what to do with the rest of your life. That leads to a very dark place. Of course there will be times when you find yourself in that dark pit of despair. When you are there, please come here and reach out. One of the things that helped me so much and still does is that when I was/am down in the dark, I can reach out my hand (so to speak) and know the members here will help me up, help me keep going. We are on our own difficult paths, but we are walking the same road together. Right now, you are at the very beginning, as are some other members. Some of us are much further along, some (like me) have begun moving forward and only see in hindsight that we have in fact made steps into the reality we must face. Grief may have a "beginning," but this grief does not have an end. Over time, it evolves, changes, as we figure out how to carry it as part of us, rather than having it be the overwhelming, crushing weight it is at first and as you are experiencing now. I can't say it's "easier," but I can say the weight I carry has eased, lightened even. But it's not been until recently, going into my fourth year without my one essential love, that I could truly feel that. It took a really long time to not feel that any smile or moment of joy or even a laugh was a betrayal of our love and his death. There are times I still feel that way, but much less often. Yes, it is probably going to be the hardest thing you have ever faced and ever done. It is for most of us here. There's no sugar coating that, no platitudes to make it easier, just truth. The truth is that no one can understand what you are going through if they haven't been there, if they aren't there. I read an article recently where the author, who lost her husband in his late 30s, says she sees it as the difference between imagining what this would be like and actually experiencing it. Her husband had fought cancer and was in remission, so she had been forced to imagine losing him. Then he died in his sleep from a heart attack and all of a sudden her reality was so far beyond what she could have envisioned that it flattened her. It does for most of us. That's why it is always a shock to our hearts, minds, and bodies, even when we knew this was going to happen. There's no way to fully describe our grief to those who can only imagine it. The others in our lives have lost someone they care about and love; we have lost everything. Half our lives have been ripped away and the one person who we could always turn to for support and comfort is the one who is missing. I'm glad you found your way here so early on. I stumbled upon this forum about 6 months after when I was floundering around and rather lost, even though I had and still have a small, loving, and loyal circle of family and friends around me. I needed to "talk" to people who would really hear me and really relate to my grief. Finding a safe and comforting place to talk, rant, question, and just let out everything has been a real grace in my life. I hope it will be for you as well. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post widower2 Posted September 6, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted September 6, 2021 I'm so sorry. I lost the love of my life to cancer too. kay and foreverhis gave most excellent posts to heed, so not sure how much I can add, but I created this site after my loss of what I wished I'd known or been told at the time.....FWIW: https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp I wish you whatever peace and comfort you can find in the difficult days ahead and hope this site will help. It's a great group of people who "get it." You may find family and friends really don't, despite the best of intentions. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted September 6, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 6, 2021 Mfreedmn97, I am so sorry for your loss. After 45 years together it's hard to really internalize that the person who made you complete is gone. Rationally you know it's true, but you still say hello to her as you walk in the door, start to call her when you have some news, reach out for her at night. Right now it is hard because there are so many things to do, friends and family are reaching out. It's all hard. Come here to vent, share, or just read the posts of others. We all have unique circumstances, but our grief has many similarities. It helps sometimes just to read that others have felt what you are feeling. We will offer what support we can. We understand what you are going through, as our lives have been shattered too. We are sorry you have reason to join us, but welcome. Gail 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post mfreedmn97 Posted September 7, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 7, 2021 I’m really struggling with her just being GONE. It’s not real. It is but it can’t be. I am so lucky to have had family step up , get through the funeral holding it together. But now the really hard part comes. Reality of empty house , cold bed, no one to share pillow talk with , etc. We were so lucky to be financially secure. I just retired. We had plans. The future to go out and enjoy. Grandchildren to spoil. Places to go. Together. And now …. all of that is shot to pieces. Marlene was a special person. There’s no reason why I should be surprised but the outpouring of love, the notes people sent, the things they said to me ‘caught me off guard’. How does that saying go about forests and trees ?? And now I look back on the 72 hours of H E fkng L L she went though before passing and I realize that I didn’t get the proper chance to say half the things to her I wanted to. Or properly share with her all the things all those friends and family said about her. Once that pain pump turned on Marlene was…no more. And even had I been able she probably would not have ‘heard’ being drugged up so badly that she hadn’t eaten or drank anything at all for three days. She was robbed of all of this ; wracked with pain, addled and suffering the heinous indignities of an inevitable outcome. I want to scream at the walls …smash something. I want to wail like a newborn. The waves of grief come over me like a tidal wave. 3 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted September 7, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 7, 2021 Mfreedmn97, Sometimes you do scream at the walls, and wail like a newborn. It hurts so bad. Prior to going through this myself, I had no idea grief could be so agonizingly painful. Remembering the agony our loved ones suffered, the feelings of guilt for not saving them, for not protecting them from the pain they endured, causes excruciating pain in our bodies. And we can't make our minds stop remembering. It's horrible. People who have not experienced it have no clue. It doesn't stay this painful forever. The pain will lessen with time. You just need to get through today. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. Try not to think about the future, it is too overwhelming. Just focus on what you have to accomplish today. Everything else can wait. Some days you may not get anything done. If you eat a bit, drink some water, that may be all you can do. That's okay. Your life has been shattered. In some ways it is like a brain injury. It will take some time for your brain fog to clear and more time for you to learn anew how to live in this unrecognizable world in tatters. I am so sorry you are in this agony. You are not alone. Hugs Gail 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted September 7, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted September 7, 2021 The harsh reality slams us, it's so hard to get used to them being gone. And it's okay to feel angry, maybe buy a punching bag for your garage or you'll have a lot of walls to repair and maybe a broken hand. Try to stay in today, this hour, this moment, it's enough...more than enough. Simplify meals, have a smoothie if you don't feel like cooking...my favorite was spinach, strawberries, bananas, yogurt, granola, orange juice concentrate, protein powder, all the food groups! I can't have it now (Diabetes) but it was my go to for a long time. Accept help when offered, even if you CAN do it yourself! There's time enough for that someday. As Gail said, it's enough to get up, eat/drink something (not alcohol, it's a depressant), survive. I used to drive out in the woods and scream....scare off bears and cougar...it's therapeutic. I totally agree with Gail, I've often likened this to traumatic brain injury, it takes a long time to get through that, so does this. be patient and understanding of yourself. Keep coming here, read/post, it helps. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post mfreedmn97 Posted September 7, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 7, 2021 Thank you all so much for these kind and supportive words. I will try to take heed. Today was the first day of Kindergarten for our granddaughter. This would have been one of the best days EVER in Marlene's life. I was there for her. But she wasn't. That was hard. I'd love to post pictures but I realize this isnt 'facebook'. 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 7, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted September 7, 2021 That's okay, we're a close knit group, a "grief family" of sorts, we'd love to see the picture/s of your granddaughter! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted September 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted September 8, 2021 5 hours ago, KayC said: That's okay, we're a close knit group, a "grief family" of sorts, we'd love to see the picture/s of your granddaughter! Absolutely. @mfreedmn97 Please feel free to post pictures. Do keep in mind that they have to be less than 500 kb. I've had to resize the ones I've posted, but it's an easy process and they post beautifully. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted September 8, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted September 8, 2021 On 9/6/2021 at 8:47 PM, mfreedmn97 said: I want to scream at the walls …smash something. I want to wail like a newborn. The waves of grief come over me like a tidal wave. I did all of those things. If you feel it might help, why not do it....(though careful of what you smash!). It is very much like being in a choppy sea. Hold on. Believe it or not, this is a storm you can weather. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post mfreedmn97 Posted September 30, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted September 30, 2021 I’m a month into this nightmare. The last ten days have been worse than any I can imagine or remember in my life. The grief is exhausting. The pain relentless. The sadness is soul crushing. And the loneliness is , well, lonely. The finality of this is incomprehensible. One day here. Next day just….gone. This feeling of emptiness is unbearable. 2 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post surfer Posted October 1, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 1, 2021 mfreedmn97, I know this horrible, crushing waves of grief!!!! It has been almost two years for me.... People on this site promise that we'll be eventually better. It still feels so fresh! Like everything happened two-three months ago. I miss my Mark every single minute. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 1, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 1, 2021 It is the hardest thing I've ever been through and that says a lot, I'm no stranger to hardship & struggle, all my life. Losing George felt like it did me in. It's amazing what we survive though. Losing my Arlie (dog) felt like that all over again. We get used to the changes it means for our lives but never ever do we stop loving/missing them! You are right, grief is exhausting. https://whatsyourgrief.com/does-grief-make-you-tired/?inf_contact_key=74d473f688e6661e7e06203015b12716680f8914173f9191b1c0223e68310bb1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post mfreedmn97 Posted October 1, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 1, 2021 10 hours ago, surfer said: mfreedmn97, I know this horrible, crushing waves of grief!!!! It has been almost two years for me.... People on this site promise that we'll be eventually better. It still feels so fresh! Like everything happened two-three months ago. I miss my Mark every single minute. I know it's only been a short time but i have such dark thoughts - why bother - my life is ****, there's no point any more, and then i get up out of bed, and face another day. I need a small step forward. Just one small one. Friends keep reaching out - dinner, go out, come over, whatever....i just dont want anyone's company - just my kids - when im with other people i dont even know what to say. Im on the edge of tears all the time. Its so awkward to me and wearing 'the mask' hurts more and or every time. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 1, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 1, 2021 16 minutes ago, mfreedmn97 said: i just dont want anyone's company - just my kids I find that's how I'm feeling after being attacked/injured by a dog last Sat. eve., I just want to be alone with my puppy and decompress, so it's understandable YOU feel this way, having gone through all that you have with her cancer, and then losing her. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted October 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2021 Mfreedmn97, I too wanted to withdraw from the world. I did. I am not saying that was a good thing, it was just what I felt I had to do. I was so distressed being around anyone, even my boys. I felt so guilty, that I had not saved him, how could I be around his (our) friends and family when it was my fault he died. (My husband died of a hemmoragic stroke.) Sure, it probably would have been better for my mental health to be with people, but honestly, you can only do what you can do. I couldn't face people, it just hurt too much. So I struggled alone in the dark pit of my guilt, fear, pain and loneliness. It was a miserable, painful journey. You are so early in your grief, at one month the reality of her absence is just sinking in. It is heartbreaking. I think it is good that you shared in your granddaughter's first day of kindergarten. Eventually these interactions will help you connect with life again. For now they can feel almost like an out of body expeience, you are seeing it, but not feeling it. Be kind to yourself. You can only do what you are able to do, and that's alright. Gail 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mfreedmn97 Posted October 1, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2021 53 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said: Mfreedmn97, I too wanted to withdraw from the world. I did. I am not saying that was a good thing, it was just what I felt I had to do. I was so distressed being around anyone, even my boys. I felt so guilty, that I had not saved him, how could I be around his (our) friends and family when it was my fault he died. (My husband died of a hemmoragic stroke.) Sure, it probably would have been better for my mental health to be with people, but honestly, you can only do what you can do. I couldn't face people, it just hurt too much. So I struggled alone in the dark pit of my guilt, fear, pain and loneliness. It was a miserable, painful journey. You are so early in your grief, at one month the reality of her absence is just sinking in. It is heartbreaking. I think it is good that you shared in your granddaughter's first day of kindergarten. Eventually these interactions will help you connect with life again. For now they can feel almost like an out of body expeience, you are seeing it, but not feeling it. Be kind to yourself. You can only do what you are able to do, and that's alright. Gail Thank you Gail. This is a recurring thing that people all say - kind and sage words to be sure - but 'doing' is different. The world, life in general, puts so much pressure on all of us - grieving or not - to 'perform' , that when you "do what you are able to do" it's 'alright' for you because that's what you MUST do but others like my mom for example, are upset beyond words that I can't (or dont want) to be with them. She's an extreme example - mothers care about their sons beyond rational ways of course - but it's also prevalent with friends who push to engage and then THEY feel sad that I am not doing so. Vicious circle. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Roxeanne Posted October 1, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 1, 2021 Mfreedmn97 i am so sorry for your loss and the hard pain you are feeling....everyone of us went through that hell! The first 3 months after my loss i was closed in my house alone with our cat living my desperation, refusing the help of my friends ...i didn't want to see anyone! Friends kept trying to get me out, in the midst of people...they thought that i needed distractions!!! People can't understand what catastrophe it is losing your special person...even friends and family! Allow yourself to do only what you feel! Take good care of you! Hugs Ro' 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mfreedmn97 Posted October 1, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2021 11 minutes ago, Roxeanne said: Mfreedmn97 i am so sorry for your loss and the hard pain you are feeling....everyone of us went through that hell! The first 3 months after my loss i was closed in my house alone with our cat living my desperation, refusing the help of my friends ...i didn't want to see anyone! Friends kept trying to get me out, in the midst of people...they thought that i needed distractions!!! People can't understand what catastrophe it is losing your special person...even friends and family! Allow yourself to do only what you feel! Take good care of you! Hugs Ro' Ro’ - thanks. And now…,after 3 months or is it longer for you - what if anything changed ? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 1, 2021 mfreedmn97: I am very sorry for your loss and the pain you are having to endure. I recently lost my husband to diabetes. He had been in the hospital many months, suffered terribly and we didn't get to say our goodbyes. It is the worst feeling. And I understand what you mean about being under pressure to perform. It's crushing. If stress doesn't kill me I'm afraid having a broken heart will. But that's why I come on here. Everyone is very supportive and it helps pull me back from the edge of the cliff. I hope you will reach out when you feel the need because even tho it is the internet, these people can be your new best friends. They are special to me because they are special people. Hope you will see that too. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 2, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 @tnd I think of what you've been through since your husband's death and it's mind boggling. I won't tell you that you are strong, we hate when people say that, we don't FEEL it, but my heart goes out to you for all you are enduring, on top of losing your husband which is crushing in itself, you've faced betrayal/abandonment from family, loss of sole income, homelessness, on top of debilitating illness that you live with! I hope things turn around for you and SOON so you can have the time to just GRIEVE in peace! It shouldn't have to be a luxury! @mfreedmn97 You are so fresh in this, I understand your desire to hole up and just grieve, sometimes that's what we need to do. When you need to get out and do something different, you will know. Honor yourself, your feelings, where you are. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jemiga70 Posted October 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 On 10/1/2021 at 12:48 AM, mfreedmn97 said: The grief is exhausting. The pain relentless. The sadness is soul crushing. And the loneliness is , well, lonely. The finality of this is incomprehensible. One day here. Next day just….gone. This feeling of emptiness is unbearable. @mfreedmn97 I'm so sorry for your loss. It is devastating. I have some idea of what you're going through because I'm there myself. It was 5 months ago to the day that my wife / partner / soulmate of 15 yrs died without warning in front of my eyes in a stupid hospital room. One day here, next day gone, as you said. There has not been a minute in 5 months where I haven't thought of her. I feel I'm going mad. Prayers to you, bro. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jemiga70 Posted October 2, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 On 10/1/2021 at 10:29 PM, mfreedmn97 said: Friends keep reaching out - dinner, go out, come over, whatever. @mfreedmn97 This too I understand because I'm getting the same offers from friends here. I know they're just trying their best to comfort me, to show their support, but honestly I'd rather just be by myself 90% of the time and it's been that way for 5 months. Such pain in the loneliness but also a strange comfort in the isolation. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mfreedmn97 Posted October 2, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 I find no peace whatsoever in the isolation. In fact it’s even worse for me. Still I prefer it to putting on a mask to be with people. And I can also say that the ‘crash’ after doing stuff and finishing whatever that might be and you realize you are all alone again is SOUL CRUSHING. I get in the car or I come home to an empty house and I just cry. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted October 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 2, 2021 1 hour ago, mfreedmn97 said: I find no peace whatsoever in the isolation. In fact it’s even worse for me. Still I prefer it to putting on a mask to be with people. mfreedmn97: I was totally alone at home for all the months my husband was hospitalized. It was hard. And when he passed away, I was still alone and hated it. No one to console me, no shoulder to cry on, no one to hold me while I cried. Now, over 3 mos later I am around people but get irritable and feel agitated if it's more than 1-2 people and it gets loud. Then I retreat to my room and cry. It's like a darned if I do/darned if I don't want to be around people sort of thing. It's the effects of grief. What you are feeling is normal. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Maria_PI Posted October 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 @mfreedmn97 I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through! I know how heartbreaking it is! My husband died of leukemia and I witnessed his last 72 hours of excruciating pain where in a delirious state he would cry "I am hurting" as his organs were failing, and I had to chase the night nurses to give him enough medication to end the pain which put him in a coma from which he never came back. The guilt, the helplessness and the loneliness were indescribable in the first few months, I would howl in the empty house or in the car to no end. I can absolutely relate to being trapped in an impossible dilemma - can't bear to be alone, yet can't gather the strength to put on a mask for people. I was lucky I could work from home and remember crying in front of the computer snot and tears hardly seeing what I am doing and couldn't imagine having to be in the office, thought I would probably have to quit if I couldn't work from home. This site has helped me share the pain with others who understand the loss of a soulmate, none of my friends or my sister could ever and I don't wish them to. I know every relationship is different and people are different, but I can tell you now, almost a year and a half in this grief, the pain gradually subsides, the loneliness is still there, I just learned to live with it, one day at a time. Sometimes I can even think of planning a visit with friends, going to the beach or to a concert and overall enjoying life with others. Still carrying my Love in my heart and soul wherever I go. Life will never be the same without our soulmates, that's the truth. Hugs to you! 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post mfreedmn97 Posted October 3, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 Thank all of you for your thoughtful and reassuring replies. There is no feeling to compare to this. It’s suffocating. Marlene passed away 4 weeks ago but I’ve been alone for more than 20 months before that as she battled the ‘evil’. Yes we were together but so apart. I pretty much did everything ‘alone’. And now I am continuing that reality but REALLY by myself. I miss her like nothing I’ve ever experienced. And the thing I find I am missing even more these days is her contact. Intimacy ( and I am not referring to sex). Holding hands. A kiss. A knowing smile. A hug. Her embrace. Waking up to her in the morning. Saying good night. Coming home to her. Talking on the phone. Calling her 30 seconds after I left the house just to say I Love You. For more than 40 years. Even sending her a text to ask if she’s ‘ok’. All gone forever. And of late especially, everything is a trigger that brings waves of sadness and pain that is indescribable. The things I used to enjoy , family , friends , food, sports, driving my car or whatever - are all joyless now without her to share even the most trivial of stories with. I’m typing this as I sit crying in the dark ( in the crawl space of all places) of a cottage we built together. It was our fortress of happiness. So much of us went into this place. So much love here. Blood. Sweat . Tears of happiness and « not so much » too. And I’m finding I can’t bear to be in the house. Not only is it empty - quiet, «’too big « but there are ‘ghosts ‘ here in every room - everywhere I look. I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this house. I know it will never be THAT place for me again. I can’t reconcile this. I just can’t. I’ll have to. No need to make a decision today or tomorrow. But it weighs heavily. I’ll be a half a person for the rest of my life. How do you start over at 63 ? 2 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Roxeanne Posted October 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 Mfreedmn97 sometimes try to think of that: you have had "more of 40 years" with your wife...you're very blessed! I have had less but it's not a matter of time...time is always not enough to stay with our soulmates! We all survived a big turmoil in our life and we're trying to learn how to live again...as Maria_Pi said so well! Hold on...ciao Ro' 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted October 3, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 17 hours ago, mfreedmn97 said: . . . How do you start over at 63 ? Mfreedmn97, You just start from where you are. You don't get a clean slate. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we could just get a complete memory wipe, as in some movie. Then we wouldn't trigger our grief everytime we see or hear some reminder. But I would never want to lose the memories I made with my soulmate. So here we are, stuck with constantly being reminded of the best thing in our lives and that it is now gone forever. Somehow you have to mold that into constantly being reminded of the best thing in our lives and being grateful that we were so lucky to have experienced such love. I was your age when my husband died. We had been together 40 years. I was lost in grief for a very long time, but I am finally where I am happy most of the time. I am very rarely gripped with despair, in fact right now, I can't exactly remember when I was last extremely despondent, without hope. (Pretty amazing to me, as there were long periods of time when that was my daily condition.) I still miss my husband, and triggers can still set me to sobbing, as happened last week at my brother-in-law's funeral. But it is no longer a desire to die just to be with him. Some things are very sad. My brother-in-law's heart attack at 66 was certainly one. I have great empathy for his wife and son, as I know how hard my grief journey has been. I would never want that for anyone. But my sorrow was, and is, a normal emotional reaction to a very sad event. And I am also now finally able to feel the whole range of human emotions. I am giddy with excitment about the upcoming arrival of my second grandchild. I have his 2 year old big brother with me this weekend and I have experienced such joy being with him. It is a huge relief to me to finally feel connected to the world again. It took me a long time, but at 4 and a half years after the death of my husband, I have found a way to live again. Give yourself time. Your grief journey will follow your own path. Don't be discouraged by how long it took me, I had my own unique circumstances that kept me lost longer than most. Just know that it won't stay as terrible as it is now. Your loss will eventually be manageable rather than soul crushing. Don't make decisions you don't have to make, such as what to do with your cottage. Truly, your brain is not working properly right now, at month one. Grief brain fog is a real thing. I think the old adage of 'don't make any major decisions for a year after the death of a spouse' is sound advice, if possible. It's not always possible due to financial or other circumstances. But if you can keep the status quo for awhile, I recommend you sit tight. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you found this forum and I hope you find some comfort here. Gail 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 3, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 On 10/2/2021 at 7:32 AM, Jemiga70 said: There has not been a minute in 5 months where I haven't thought of her. I still think of my George each and every day of the 16 years it's been. 54 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said: 18 hours ago, mfreedmn97 said: . . . How do you start over at 63 ? Mfreedmn97, You just start from where you are. You don't get a clean slate. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we could just get a complete memory wipe, as in some movie. Then we wouldn't trigger our grief everytime we see or hear some reminder. But I would never want to lose the memories I made with my soulmate. I would never choose to wipe out any memory of George, good or bad, I remember the movie you're referring to, but no, could not do or want that. Each memory is so precious. I remember his voice, his smell, everything, and although it feels like forever and a lifetime ago, how I felt when he held me. It feels like a long ago movie I once watched. 56 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said: Just know that it won't stay as terrible as it is now. Yes, good to remember this...it won't. As unthinkable as it seems, we get more used to this and do adjust. I can't tell you how, only that it's a testament to our body's survival, whether we wanted to or not. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post mfreedmn97 Posted October 3, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 I will try to work with that mantra - it will get better. Again thanks everyone. I’m so sorry that we all find ourselves here - but I’m glad that I’m able to ‘talk’ with all of you and grateful for the support. I hope that some day I can offer the advice and support of this experience to someone else who needs as badly as what I need right now. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted October 3, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 3, 2021 Mfreedmn97, I am very sorry for your loss. I also long for physical contact with my wife. Just to hold her little hand, kiss her sweet lips, feel the softness of her skin, give her a big hug.... Today was brutal for me as it was my birthday, and I broke down many times thinking of how she's not here to wish me a happy birthday and tell me how much she loves me. I did spend most of the morning replying to calls from the family, and I did get some joy hearing one of my granddaughters voice and having a video chat with the other granddaughter and grandson. They bring me such joy seeing how beautiful they're becoming, but also seeing them and realizing my wife is not here to see them also brings me sorrow. Life is not the same without my wife, she was my inspiration, my strength, and my other half. I sympathize with what we're all going through because it is a lousy journey, like a blind man trying to walk in the dark. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted October 4, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 17 hours ago, mfreedmn97 said: I hope that some day I can offer the advice and support of this experience to someone else who needs as badly as what I need right now. You will get to that point, we use what we have been through in our lives to help others when they go through it, it reminds me of this verse Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 2 Cor 1:4 Dr Phil talks about finding purpose using what we have been through in helping others, such as John Walsh has done. In so doing, we lend meaning to all we have been through, which is nice in a sense as we hate to think it's all been for naught! I have been referred to as a wounded warrior. I don't like to think of myself as wounded though but perhaps scarred. Oh Sparky, I'm sorry, birthdays are so hard without them! My first one everyone forgot which was in stark contrast to how it would have been had George been alive because he always made a big deal of it. I cried myself to sleep. I hope someone remembered you yesterday, I never know what to say, Happy Birthday? It doesn't FEEL happy without them! I have a feeling this one will be the same, it's Thursday, and I've heard from no one about it so probably won't.. 4 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted October 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 19 hours ago, Sparky1 said: Today was brutal for me as it was my birthday, and I broke down many times thinking of how she's not here to wish me a happy birthday Happy Belated Birthday, Sparky1! I know you'd like to hear it from your wife and I know I'm no replacement but wish for a lot of good things to come your way. Please take solace in knowing you have friends here that care and understand about birthdays. 3 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post foreverhis Posted October 4, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 On 10/1/2021 at 2:37 PM, mfreedmn97 said: Ro’ - thanks. And now…,after 3 months or is it longer for you - what if anything changed ? I know this isn't addressed to me, but I thought I'd let you know how it was for me. I was a virtual hermit for a good 6 months after my husband died. I was only able to tolerate being around certain family and friends. Even then, not too often or too much. I was lucky that I didn't have anyone close pushing at me to do more, etc. It took another 4-5 months for me to start re-engaging with people and somehow they were still there for me. Each step forward was small, but looking back at about the 18 month mark, I realized I had made many of them, always bringing my love, memories, and grief along with me. Now in my fourth year, I am truly finding a life I can live without my love. I will never be happy in the same way, but I am finding times that are happy. And boy, it took a long time before I stopped feeling guilty for every smile or laugh or hour of enjoyment as a betrayal of my sweetheart. Of course everyone is different. I know some people do best surrounded by friends and family. I didn't. I'm not one for big crowds anyway, so our small circle has remained that way with only a few new compatriots who stepped up and embraced us (while John was fighting his cancer) and me (even more so after I lost him). One friend in particular, a neighbor right across the street and down one house, has been a real grace in my life. She and her husband lost their daughter at birth. They know deep grief. She seems to know just when to "nudge" a little and when to back off, when to listen, speak, or just let us sit in the silence, and she has allowed herself to be vulnerable to me in talking about her own experiences without diminishing mine. I think what changes is what usually happens when we are shoved in a different direction. We learn to adapt, to accept our new reality (just the reality, not accepting that losing them was right or fair--it wasn't). We figure out how to take the crushing weight of our grief and lighten it by bringing back all the loving, silly, wonderful, and even boring memories. It was a slow process for me and is ongoing, but I have largely figured out what works for me in co-existing with my grief and pain. Being here and talking to members who were further along their own grief journeys gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, some day I wouldn't go to bed at night and pray to never wake up. While I really don't want to live another 25 or 30 years without my love, I'm okay living the next years as they come. And I don't look to far down into "the rest of my life" because that still takes me down into the dark pit of fear and despair. So I look at now and the near future, which I can manage. 7 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mfreedmn97 Posted October 4, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 http://Right now I can’t manage breakfast….. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted October 4, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 4, 2021 Thanks Kay and tnd, all family members contacted me so it is bittersweet. People don't know what to say but I understand that they mean well. Like I said, the grandchildren are what brought me real joy because they don't know any better. When they're older I will tell them all about their grandmother and what a special person she was. One of them is 3 years old and has a handmade teddy bear she calls Nonna bear. She knows it's her grandmother because it is made with some of my wife's clothing. She treasures it with all her heart. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 5, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 5, 2021 15 hours ago, Sparky1 said: One of them is 3 years old and has a handmade teddy bear she calls Nonna bear. She knows it's her grandmother because it is made with some of my wife's clothing. She treasures it with all her heart. Oh Sparky, that is so special! What a little lovebug! 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AJN Posted October 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 I am so sorry . I understand the pain. I am traveling in your steps. My husband is in the last stages of very aggressive cancer . 6 months ago he was so full of life . Now at any time I will loose him . After I read your letter , my heart aches for you but at the same time I thought “lucky man , he had 49 years with her “ my husband is on a younger site and i had him only 25 years in my life . I would give any thing for 49 years . So although it really hurts, remember you are lucky , people spend lifetime searching for real live . You found it and had 49 years with her . That’s a gift . Hang in there my friend. Just one hour at the time (a day is too much too manage sometimes). Just one foot in from of the other . I heard it gets easier . I surely hope so ! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 On 9/6/2021 at 5:47 PM, mfreedmn97 said: We were so lucky to be financially secure. Although I do worry about future finances, I mostly feel the same way. My husband kept the modest life insurance policies he'd been able to get through his professional organization. He had back surgery in his 30s (L4-L5) and for some reason insurance companies thought that would affect his life expectancy...It wouldn't and didn't. What he had allowed me to pay off the last 10-ish years of our mortgage, pay to have a few big and important projects done that he was unable to finish or that we planned to have done, and put a little into our savings to buy a new (used lease return--hopefully, finally this fall) car with a touch leftover to put into short term savings for home expenses. Our home is smallish and older, but we maintain it well, though the kitchen is mostly original to 1965 when it was built and is falling apart. We were just about to start a kitchen remodel, which I will have done, but have scaled back to fit my new budget. Our cars are old (his an 81 VW Rabbit convertible made in Germany; mine an 86 Acura, the first year they were sold here), but we maintain them and have a good mechanic. After his bicycling accident and then years later once I developed auto-immune conditions, we scaled back everything, rather than go into debt. And because we didn't need a fancy lifestyle, just a pleasant one, we were able to save for a modest retirement. He was adamant about that and had saved from the time he started working. I was onboard too because my parents instilled that into me and my siblings: Take care of what you have and be thankful for it. I feel for those who have to struggle more than I do and often remind myself of that when I'm tempted to whine that I now can't afford this or that "thing." It's one less thing to cause me stress at this point and I thank John every day for being who he was. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 11, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 12 hours ago, AJN said: My husband is in the last stages of very aggressive cancer One of my best friends is also going through cancer, her husband is blind, it scares me (the future) but I try to stay in today and not go there. Anticipatory grief is hard...NOT equating loss of dog with your loss of husband, but I lost mine to cancer two years ago and I still remember the horrific pronouncement when they said it was inoperable and his liver shutting down, I got two months ten days more with him, he was my life as my husband has been gone over 16 years now, my kids grown and gone, I'm alone. Eventually my son brought me a puppy but one never replaces another and we can't do that with our husband, huge difference. My Arlie hurt like losing my husband all over again, not on as many levels, of course, but they say one loss brings up old loss and it piles on...grief has a beginning, but no ending. I posted a response to you already in another thread, but wanted to here too. My heart goes out to you. When we went through our cancer journey, it was very hard, but also special in a sense, unexplainable, but those were our last days together and as such...it was the same way when I lost my MIL who was my best friend and the mom I'd always wanted, I took care of her when she was bedridden with cancer the last three years of her life, my children were little then, a very hard time, but also special, I will always love her. That was 34 years ago 9/17. I ran across this today but want to mention most of us do not like the word accept, it applies we are okay with it and none of us are but I prefer the term realize instead, I know the psych. term means differently than it hits us... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted October 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2021 18 hours ago, AJN said: After I read your letter , my heart aches for you but at the same time I thought “lucky man , he had 49 years with her “ my husband is on a younger site and i had him only 25 years in my life . I would give any thing for 49 years . So although it really hurts, remember you are lucky , people spend lifetime searching for real live . You found it and had 49 years with her . I'm so very sorry that you are going through what so many of us have faced, we and our soulmates. The bastard cancer stole my husband as well. It was about 15 months from the first suspicion of it until he took his last breath with me by his side. It was the most devastating journey, until this one. Strangely enough though, even during his cancer journey, we were able to find joy with each other, to laugh and to be silly, to be there for each other. I remember the day I realized that he was not going to get to the next treatment and that he was not going to be able to finish the life we had together. Those times and the images of him haunt me and probably always will. I had never heard of anticipatory grief until my SIL (his sister who we're very close to) talked to me about it. I realized that even as I was hoping for the best and trying to keep a positive vibe around my husband, I was anticipating the worst, especially after his first surgery when he started declining. It was such a feeling of confusion because I couldn't understand how we can grieve the loss of someone who is still alive. One person, not a caregiver, at the hospital rudely said, "Well, at least you will have already done most of your grieving..." I am not a violent person, but the temptation to wipe the smile off his face was very strong. Anticipatory grief is a separate part of grieving the loss of our soulmates. I do want to ask you a favor. Please do not compare the number of years one person has had to another. Of course you wanted and you both deserved decades more together. But for those who had longer, telling us to feel "lucky" or grateful can make it seem as though we have no right to feel as lost and shattered as we do, as though one person's grief is worse than or more meaningful than those who had more time together. But grief is not a contest or something to compare, at least not "out loud." I understand perfectly well why you would feel that way. To this day I sometimes see elderly couples out together, couples who are clearly much older than John (71) and I (60) were, and I think, "That's not fair! Why should they be here, helping each other, smiling and holding hands, when John and I didn't get that?" Then I remember that it is not their fault and that someday one of them will feel just as I do now: There is no number of years that will ever be enough when those years are spent with a soulmate. And you're absolutely right that many, perhaps most, people do not ever find that. In that way, I do feel lucky. I would give anything to have had 15 or 20 years more. We deserved that, just as you deserved decades more with your love. None of this is fair or right; it never will be. The best thing we can do here is support each other unreservedly and with the understanding that to each of us the worst loss and hardest grief will always be our own. I want to be very clear that I am encouraging you to be here with us. Talk, question, rant, and "scream" if you need it. We will listen and comfort and encourage when we can. We'll give advice if asked (though we try not to be pushy about it). But please respect that we are all on the same devastating journey, unique on our paths, but on the same road together. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted October 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2021 5 hours ago, foreverhis said: we are all on the same devastating journey, unique on our paths, but on the same road together. Well said foreverhis. When people have found their true love, their soul mate, and they lose that person, the pain is devastating no matter if they were together for a month or for 70 years. It's a brutal journey and experience that no one should go through, but unfortunately life doesn't always go the way we would like it to go. All of us here that have lost our precious partner understand this journey, and we must all travel on this road. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 12, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted October 12, 2021 Yes, it's like we're bracing ourselves even while hoping/praying...it's very hard. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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