Members WhoamInow Posted August 20, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2021 I have found the death of my husband 5 months ago today....extremely difficult. As all have said it gets better, you’ll go on. I have found it very difficult to talk to anyone about my feelings as I tend to be all over. Before the year 2020 it appears a quicker closure process was my experience someone dies and a burial is within a week typically. Now Covid has had us restricted. Loved ones still die but now at hyper speed and burials funerals are pushed back or non existent. For me the silent killer of Cancer took my husband the government had one of our son’s deployed, allowing him to come home to see his father die and not allowing him to stay, and the restrictions of COVID....so 5 months later today,,,,our son is home, gathering outside is ok. So in 2 days we will properly lay my best friend, the boy’s father and 15 grandchildren’s favorite grandpa to rest in eternal peace. I thought I was getting better but I cried myself to sleep and this morning I want to scream....let him come back to us.....I beg for this nightmare to end. More rambling I’m sorry 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted August 20, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2021 Hello WhoamInow; I am so very sorry you are going through this. Grief often comes in waves - you are doing better and then it hits you again. Being that you are laying your husband to rest in two days is bound to trigger fresh grief, not to mention you are only at the five month mark. My heart breaks for you and I wish there was something that could make it better. I hope and pray that with your family you can celebrate your husband's life and find a small measure of comfort together. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WhoamInow Posted August 20, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted August 20, 2021 Diane R. E. Thank you I’ve been told I have high expectations of myself....such a horrible place for anyone to be. Thank you again for the validation 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 20, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted August 20, 2021 It's good to express yourself in a place such as this where we're going through it or have been, and we understand...I've found that those who have not been through it cannot possibly get it in the same way we do, even though they may care very much. I thank God for this forum and others like it. I never knew what it'd be like until I found myself in this situation. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted August 21, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 21, 2021 WhoamInow, This is so hard. I am so sorry you are in this pain. I wish I knew of some way to make grief hurt less. The service for your husband will be hard, but you and others may take some comfort gathering with others who love and miss him to honor him. But the hard work of trying to find a way to live without your soulmate will continue. I am glad you have family for support. But this loss is fundamentally different for you, as he was so much a part of you and you a part of him. Even after the service it may still feel like it is not possible that he is gone. I am so sorry your 'other half' is gone, your children have lost their father, and the grandkids have lost the best grandpa ever. It is so unfair. Hugs Gail 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted August 22, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 22, 2021 On 8/20/2021 at 6:47 AM, WhoamInow said: As all have said it gets better, you’ll go on. I have found it very difficult to talk to anyone about my feelings as I tend to be all over. Before the year 2020 it appears a quicker closure process was my experience someone dies and a burial is within a week typically. I really don't like the term "better" now. I certainly don't like the notion that we "move/go on." It's not that it gets better, but this grief becomes more manageable as we learn to live with it, rather than having it smother us like it does at first. In time--months and years, not days and weeks--most of us do move forward, taking our love, our memories, and our grief with us as part of the whole of the life we have to figure out how to live without our one essential love. For me, the road has been hard with twists and turns, uphill climbs, and plenty of unexpected detours and u-turns. I couldn't tell you when I did start to take steps forward because it started slowly. It wasn't until I "looked back" at 18-20 months that I saw that I had. It started I think when I was able to start grasping some of the bits of light and hope that were working their way through the darkness. Your feelings being all over the place is pretty much universal. Even 3 years later, a wave of grief can wash over me without warning. But it is waves now, rather than a tsunami, and they don't hit as often as they did the first 2 years or so. As others have said, no one can understand how we feel, the shattering of our hearts and lives, unless they have experienced it for themselves. Often they are uncomfortable with the reminder that this can and likely will happen to them some day. Not knowing what to say or how to react, they'll just encourage us to "move on" and "get back to normal," not understanding that who we were is not who we will ever be again and that "normal" for us no longer exists. This is the place to talk about anything and everything with people who truly do understand. I have to say that I think it's a tremendous fallacy that there is any kind of closure once there is a funeral and burial. For others, it can seem that way, as they go back to their lives, things often largely unchanged. They grieve the loss of part of their lives; we grieve the loss of everything. For sure our society sucks at understanding and even acknowledging grief and loss. There is no straight and easy path from "start" to "finish" because grief does not have a finish line. It's with us always, but for most it does not stay the same. I wanted to mention that many of us lost our beloveds to cancer, so we truly do know the often slow, painful journey that starts even before the day we wake up knowing we are truly alone. You've found a good place to be, to come and talk, question, rant, ask for advice, or even "scream." Please keep coming here. It's been enormously helpful to me over time. I hope you find some comfort and help as well. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 22, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted August 22, 2021 "Better" is a relative term, I don't hate the word but realize it's comparative to something...when I think back to that first night, the horrific shock, nothing compares to that...in that sense I feel it's gotten "better" but by no means "well" nor are we EVER "over" this! Whether cancer or heart attack, nothing prepares us for this! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted August 30, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 30, 2021 @WhoamInow what you feel is normal. My husband passed away due to covid, but since we were having a memorial service, it was quick. But not matter if its quick or over a long period of time nothing will bring them back. Oh how I wished that there was a way to bring my husband, best friend, my everything back. Darrell and I were married 38 years. When he died part of me died. I wish I had died. Next week will be a year and I still miss him and still love him. We all have to go through this together. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted August 31, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted August 31, 2021 17 hours ago, April Ballou said: Next week will be a year and I still miss him and still love him. Praying for you as you go through this one year anv of death, I know it's hard. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WhoamInow Posted August 31, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted August 31, 2021 This new life sucks and I don’t want to be on this earth. I want to die the kids are grown and spend time with their family as if I’m not here anyway. Selling my house is different I hate myself 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Diane R. E. Posted August 31, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 31, 2021 WhoamInow; my heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry you are experiencing these dark feelings about yourself. I wish so very much that I could make things better for you but I venture to say all of us on this forum have had similar feelings. Please don't give up; you are still so early in your grief journey. I trust and pray that brighter days are ahead for you. When you feel ready, I would love to hear a few things that you loved about your husband. (((Hugs))) 1 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted August 31, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 31, 2021 @WhoamInow my kids are grown and have families of their own. My daughter only lives 30 miles away from me and I seen her today, it's been almost 2 weeks since I seen her last. My son lives 2 1/2 hours away and saw him a week and a half ago. So if I were dead they would never know the difference. This life does suck, I hate the life that I have now. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted August 31, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 31, 2021 WhoamInow and April, These feelings of abject hopelessness are something that many of us have experienced. I was in that dark abyss for a long time, and it's horrible to be there. I often considered killing myself. My boys are adults with their own lives. They were dealing with, or hiding from, their own sense of loss and it was difficult for them to spend time with me in the early years. Being with me, without their dad, just put a spotlight on the fact that the really cool fun parent was gone. Now, 4 and 1/2 years later, my boys really value my presence in their lives. My younger son just bought his first home and he asked me lots of questions about the process, and he followed much of my advice. My older son lives 5 hours away, but he calls me several times a week just to chat. Today, I really think they get a lot of emotional support from having a parent still alive. I am a conduit that keeps them connected as well. I definitely feel their love for me now. (For a long time, I couldn't feel anything.) It is so hard to see any of this when you are lost in the depression of grief. I know I couldn't see any of it when I was where you are. Hugs Gail 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members April Ballou Posted August 31, 2021 Members Report Share Posted August 31, 2021 @Gail 8588 I will not kill myself, I'm not letting the devil win. God is my strength, and always will be. It's just that everyone seems like they have forgotten Darrell. They just keep going like nothing has changed. Maybe because I'm the one that lived with him. They always were busy doing something, while Darrell and I were doing our thing. Now it's just me doing my thing missing the best thing that ever happened to me. The thing is if I did die who would notice? This is my life, as lonely and sad as it is, it's my life. And I have to do what needs to be done, all by myself. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted September 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted September 1, 2021 12 hours ago, April Ballou said: They just keep going like nothing has changed. We have a strange feeling....nothing has changed for them! Sometimes i think of that...i have friends and others that are living now the life who they lived 3 years ago when my world was turned upside down! I'm forced to accept a life i don't like and simply they just keep going with their normal life.. Of course i wish them all the best....but for us what's the matter ? Bad luck, awful karma...that's life! ? All explanations can't completely console me having lost my "dolce vita" with him... 1 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted September 1, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted September 1, 2021 22 hours ago, WhoamInow said: This new life sucks and I don’t want to be on this earth. I want to die I understand. I rarely see my kids, my son is three hours away and my daughter about 1 1/2 but both always busy working, I don't hear from them anymore. I just posted this for someone else and hope you will click on this and read the poem written, I felt it very relatable. https://blog.aftertalk.com/the-turning-point-an-inspirational-quote-8-2-18/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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