My new Substack account on the loss of my mother.

[silverkitties]

Agreed, Mission! I tell myself that of all times to lose my Mom, that period in my life may not have been the worst after all. I’m glad I didn’t lose her at 3 when I needed her more than anything else. I’m glad I didn’t lose her in grammar school or high school when we moved a lot and I got bullied as the perpetual new kid in town AND the sole Asian. Im glad I didn’t lose her in college or grad school: would I have finished my degrees? 

I think it is the TYPE of loss (suicide, accident, etc) and DEPTH of relationship that determines how we grieve. You are absolutely correct!

[reader]

So true, Mission. We can't even count on people around us to be sympathetic when facing loss then when?

We all had the privilege to see our parents every day and that contributed to our deep grief. There are still days where the pain and sorrow of missing them is too much.

[silverkitties]

There’s a new post up, The Eye of the Storm: 

https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/the-eye-of-the-storm?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=copy

[reader]

Thank you Silver.

[silverkitties]

There’s a new one up! 
 

https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/the-eye-of-the-storm-faf?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=copy

[reader]

I'm so sorry Silver to read everything you went through with the doctors. I respect you for standing up for your mom and fighting as hard as you did. The lack of compassion and competence in the medical field is so upsetting. Thank you again for your sharing your story with us. When you wrote "So many maybes, so few answers"  I know I felt that way too. 

[silverkitties]

Thank you, Reader.I feel that I tried, but it obviously wasn’t good enough. I truly wish I had paid more attention to the local news and found out about the way the hospital mishandled that child abuse/molestation case. I never would have sent Mom there. 

[MissionBlue]

Thank you again, Silver, for sharing your story.  You really tell it like it is re hospital care for the elderly.  There should be a special cancer hospital for seniors just as there is St. Jude Children's Research Hospital for kids.  There should be hospitals (not just hospices) where an older person can receive quality care without having to compete with younger people for attention. 

I found this article about Zuckerberg San Francisco General Hospital which is the closest hospital to my home.

https://www.cnn.com/2016/08/15/health/elderly-hospital-patients/index.html
 
My dad went to Zuckerberg once but he had to compete not only with younger people, but with criminals, drug addicts, the homeless and the mentally ill.   Even though they have an ACE unit, an Acute Care for Elders ward, not every senior is admitted, in part because space is limited.

I thought my dad would be better off at a private hospital, St. Luke's, but no such luck.  The accommodations were nicer but he still experienced errors and negligence during his treatment there.   He went to a third hospital in a better part of town and had to wait hours for a kid to bring a wheelchair so he could go home, while a group of staff members chatted and flirted happily at the nurse's station right in front of him.  When he finally arrived, the kid said they were understaffed. 

He went back to St. Luke's since it was closer, but I wonder if we should have tried  Mt. Zion Hospital on the other side of town.  But then all San Francisco hospitals have received mixed reviews.  I wouldn't be surprised if it's the same story in Chicago. 

[silverkitties]

Mission, I wish I could give you 5 hearts! I was actually in Hartford, CT which only had 3 hospitals. The 2 major ones were St. Fran and Hartford hospital. There was a teaching hospital as well, U CONN. 

One of the Taiwanese association folks who died just a few months before mom, went to both St Fran and Hartford. Obviously, nothing worked. He was only 67.

I must say that after my mom’s death, I sent dad to Hartford hospital. I recall the day when rehab mistakenly sent him to St Fran. I was LIVID. I had a feeling something bad would happen….and whether this was a direct cause or not is hard to tell, but he died less than 3 months later. Hartford wasn’t great, but I felt my dad got better treatment than my mom at her hospital. 

I don’t know if you got to my post from yesterday: there, I mention that my mom’s hospital had a long-standing child abuse scandal. Look at this timeline—and how they tried to cover it up:

https://www.courant.com/community/hartford/hc-reardon-timeline-story.html?outputType=amp

I was only informed of this by my dad’s nurse at rehab: upon which I felt terribly guilty for not paying attention to local news. Had I known, I would never have sent my mom there. 
 

Btw, I’m betting ALL hospitals have mixed reviews because of our profit driven system. I’m hearing more comparable stories in my Facebook groups and it’s downright scary. Unless you’re of the donor class, they couldn’t  give a flying phuck!

 

 

[silverkitties]

I just released this segment on Substack:

https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/so-long-farewell?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=

[Sarahismymom]

The comments about the elderly needing a special facility so as not to compete with younger patients hits home. The week my mom went to the hospital, they were overwhelmed with COVID patients. On her 6th day, the Dr. came to me saying that she’s been uncooperative when it came to testing and she hadn’t shown much improvement. He said I needed to start thinking of moving on since they couldn’t help her.  Most of the patients on her floor had COVID. I just felt like they were rushing us out. The entire experience was terrible.  She’d been at the hospital 6 days but in this doctor’s care for Three!  I feel she didn’t get the best care. 

[silverkitties]

Sarah, I couldn’t agree more—Mission nailed it right there! I suspect we don’t have special hospitals for the elderly because they know there is little profit to be made there and there is also little respect for them unless they are monied. 
The entire handling of Covid is utterly disgraceful. It’s bad enough that hospitals are already profit driven to begin with. (Please see my blog on the greed of the entire medical industry.) I am really angry about how it was politicized and how selfish people refused to cooperate. I am sorry your mom fell victim to all three. But unless she was of the donor class, hospitals could give a rat’s ass. They killed my mom even before Covid struck.

[silverkitties]

This is precisely what I’m referring to. Read this article on hospital rationing: 

https://apple.news/AVo-CBkouSL6Qt1TrO9sF6g

“Under the guidelines, providers can prioritize treating patients based on their chances of recovery, impacting anyone seeking emergency care, not just those with COVID-19.

“Ultimately it's a decision about, at that point in time, who we feel is most likely to benefit from what may be a limited resource,” said Michael Bernstein, regional chief medical officer in Alaska for the health care company Providence.

Typically, crisis standards of care involve a scoring system to determine the patient’s survivability, sometimes including their estimated “life-years” and how well their organs are working.”

[MissionBlue]

Silver, thank you for another eloquent and moving chapter    of your story.  I appreciate your including the images and the video clips.  I can relate to the irresponsible monks not showing up.  Fortunately, a Catholic priest gave my dad the last rites while he was unconscious.  After he was weaned off the ventilator, I asked a priest to bless him while he was awake, to lift my father's spirits, but he did not arrive as he had said he would.  My dad was praying softly out loud for God's mercy, until a male nurse said, "God is good, my friend."  That seemed to comfort him, and then he drifted off into oblivion, never to awaken again.

Sarahismymom, I am so sorry for your loss.  It is terrible how Covid is making hospital care for the elderly even worse than before.

On Friday, I passed by St. Luke's Hospital where my dad, my grandmother, and my great uncle all died.  It is now an empty lot.  It has been  demolished so they can build a new hospital.  The old building may be gone, but nothing can erase the painful memories and the shame of the greed-inspired negligence which took place there. 

[silverkitties]

Mission, you were smart to at least attempt to get the priest while your Dad was still alive. I guess as a lapsed Buddhist and me never raised formally as either a Catholic or Buddhist, I didn’t think about it until it was too late. 
 

But whatever the case, it is shameful that priests of any religion can’t get their act together  to see the dying on time. Maybe they too think there’s nothing that can be reaped.

As you can tell, I’m jaded. 

Perhaps this is why we mourn our parents the way we do. They are pretty much the only ones who care about us 100%. Who don’t care about gaining for us. (Having said that, I know there are exceptions—such as is described by Mary Trump.)

[reader]

I'm so sorry to hear what everyone had to deal with. One would think during the most difficult times people would have more compassion and care and love for another human being. 

[silverkitties]

Reader, sadly, we live in a selfish world.

[reader]

I couldn't agree with you more. I try to be kind and generous but even then it feels like a license for other people to take advantage or treat me badly. It's a tough balance. Dealing with people all day, I'm sure there is compassion fatigue. Our parents and many others deserved a lot better though.

[tessa]

My mother hated the Catholic Church. When my sister married a Catholic, my mother told her she could marry a catholic but if she became a catholic, my mother would disown her.
It was because the Catholic missionary priests tricked my grandfather (mother's father) into baptizing to be a Catholic. They told him that God would look after him. When mt grandfather died, there wasn't a priest to be found.
I don't have anything good to say about Catholic missionary priests.

[silverkitties]

Tessa, I guess these priests are good for nothing—except for demanding contributions! I’m sorry, but tardiness doesn’t cut it for me in such a situation. What an insult.

[silverkitties]

Today, my mom will have been gone for 7 years. Or more precisely, 7 years and 6 hours.
I’ve revamped Sinead O’Connor’s song:

Its been 7 years and 6 long hours

Since you took your love away

i can go out every night and sleep all day

Since you took your love away…

It has been overcast and rainy just like that fatal day. I’m thinking about what has transpired over those years. They were very difficult and painful when my dad was alive. Sometimes I still wonder how I managed to complete that book with all that turmoil—the fighting, trying to pick dad off the floor, trying not to call the police…

Today, I am still dealing with the fallout from Dad—all his incompetence and irresponsibility. It’s no wonder I still resent him. 

And I look around at all my relatives: all financially secure while their moms are still alive. Even though I just got a second job writing literary guides, everything still feels like it’s in the air. My legs hurt like crazy and I can’t dress up like I used to. I worry too about that none too distant future when my kitties won’t be around. They are now older than me in cat years. 

If only I had Mom here. I’d probably still feel frustrated and dissatisfied with my life, but at least I wouldn’t feel as miserable. It hurts like crazy when I see pics of my grad school in England when Mom used to visit. I can still picture our walks around Oxford and London. And now the pics of Edinburgh bring back memories of 2000 when my parents and I went to Scotland. It makes me even miss Dad. 

Mom, I hope to join you one day. It has been said that a post-death reality can never be like the reality we knew. I don’t care. I just want to make myself feel a little better by imagining you waiting at the pearly gates just like you waited for me at the airport and train station. You’ll be on your toes waving…and we will be reunited. Maybe we can’t eat out in Heaven, no burgers, no pizzas, no Reubens, but I will tell you how much I missed you and never want to be parted from you again. 
This is the only thought that offers me any comfort at this moment.  Or in the words of Diana Ross, someday, we’ll be together, yes we will, yes we will. 
 

[tessa]

Silverkitties, I feel what you're going through. I'm in the same space. I still have parents in my head. I pretend they're still at home.
I realized a while back that life is a lottery. Some get it good, some get it not so good and some get it awful.
I got as low as just being grateful for clean water and a bed. Many don't have that and I told myself I'm lucky to have a bed and clean water. It made me feel better.
I pray every night for a better life for those suffering. I don't know why I bother, my prayers go unanswered. I think God might have blocked my prayers because it's always the same, boring.
I'm scared of the future. What will become of me. How will I cook, make my bed, shower etc. So I get busy, using activity to push the thoughts out of my mind.
Will we ever see our parents again? The Buddhist say people reincarnate 49 days after death. Guess that means we will never see them again. But then others say our relatives help us cross to the other side. I don't know how our relatives can escort us to the other world if they have already incarnated years/decades earlier. I don't think anyone knows, I think they just make it up.
Congratulations on your second job.

[silverkitties]

Hugs to you, Tessa— yes, Buddhist thought regarding the dead alarms me too. 
I was told that because we will be constantly reincarnating, we will not see each other again. When I was told this by a friend of Dad, I cried as soon as I reached the house. He said our lives are like dreams where people drift in and out.

Well, my life is a living nightmare. I realize as you do, that my life could be even worse. But it’s small comfort when I think about how hard I’ve worked and what little I’ve gotten. I've been told by severAl Paine scholars that my book is great, but what does that avail if no scholarly journals are reviewing my book? And other scholars won’t bother to read it because they’re @too busy?” What does it matter if my university cuts my classes then claim they can’t consider my promotion because I wasn’t teaching the term they cut my class? 

It’s like all the work I did was for NOTHING.

[Sarahismymom]

I pray we aren’t  reincarnating constantly. I have to hold on to the belief that I’m going to hug my mom again. I’m going to talk to her again. I’m going to sit on the couch and laugh with her again. (No criticism of any religion at all. I just want to see my mom so much. )   All that’s keeping me going is the thought that she hears me and we’ll see each other again. 

[silverkitties]

Well, who knows which religion is right. We really won’t know until after we die…and who knows, maybe not. 
I just want to see Mom again…but then I wonder what about her mom and grandmother and so on? Or do we stick to whom we are closest to?

I want my cats too…all of them. I want to imagine a future where we are all together. 

[Sarahismymom]

Mom was going to retire this year. I wanted to go on vacation with her. We hadn’t been on vacation since 1984. I wanted her to be able to sleep late. I wanted to her to move into a nice warm home. This is not his things were supposed to work out. 
 

I just want to see mom and it be like it was when she was healthy. I just want to hug her forever. 

[silverkitties]

Mission, what happened to your post? I was just going to respond to it.

[MissionBlue]

I deleted my post because I thought maybe religion is too sensitive a topic for a public forum.  I don't want to discourage or criticize anyone for their beliefs.  I was just saying what I would like to believe.  Here's my post again, since you asked:

Silver, like you, I am agnostic. I have no idea which is the right religion, if such a thing exists, but I am not an atheist or against any religion that promotes kindness and charity, even if some of its members are evil.  All organizations are corrupt to some degree.  The Catholic Church is more than a spiritual institution.  It's the biggest charitable organization in the world, so while I abhor pedophile priests,  I would never hate the Church itself because of all the good it does in the world.  However, as we have discussed, some people and organizations believe in letting the poor, the sick and the elderly die without intervention.

I remember my cousin, an ordained Buddhist minister, said to me that after we die we won't see our loved ones because we and they will reincarnate.  We won't remember who we were in this life.  To me, that's just like ceasing to exist.  When you recycle an aluminum soda can, it is no longer a can and can't even hold water.  I imagine a recycled soul can't hold memories or feelings except in the most impersonal way.   Nirvana is the annihilation of self, so it sounds like if we make it to the top we'll be happy but won't know it (nothing to clap about). 

I know that ancestor worship is very important in Chinese culture, but how does that figure into the Buddhist concept that the self no longer exists after death?   I read that in China ancestor worship was incorporated into the Buddhist religion, but that must mean our ancestors continue to exist and don't reincarnate.  I would prefer to believe that than having to reincarnate many times and not remember anything or anybody. 

I read that Buddhism, Taoism and Shintoism are atheist religions.  I think it's comforting to think of a Supreme Being capable of helping us in times of need and sadness.  If God made us, then naturally he would design us with an instinct to believe he exists. 

On the other hand, all those near death experiences could be hallucinations, but not when they remotely view things in another part of the hospital.  I recently read about shared death experiences:

Beyond Goodbye

https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2014/12/us/shared-death/?adobe_mc=TS%3D1633653113|MCMID%3D56658130835918859458881432153875230461|MCAID%3D2D94DAB6850321A4-600011838000F1AB|MCORGID%3D7FF852E2556756057F000101%40AdobeOrg&iid=cnn-mobile-app

[silverkitties]

Mission, I once wanted to be a Catholic—mostly because I love the art and music. There’s nothing more sublime than a cathedral. My attitude here, I suppose,  is much the same as Oscar Wilde’s—I love the aesthetics. 
 

I like the present pope too (that he likes Mozart is all the better).

I suppose all religions have their good and bad as well as their share of corruptions. I guess it all boils down to deciding whose views come closest to yours. Many have told me to join the Unitarian Church because my social and political perspectives  are closest to mine but it’s so hard for me to embrace Christianity at this point in my life as I’m close to 60. How do I start believing? 
 

For that reason, I’m not sure I can be a Buddhist either. And the thought of not seeing Mom again and being continually reincarnated is simply not appealing to me. Not least, I am argumentative and can’t resist a fight. I’d be a terrible Buddhist! 

[MissionBlue]

I'm with you and Oscar Wilde, Silver -- I love the aesthetics of the Catholic Church, especially pre-Vatican II.  I liked when the mass was in Latin.  It was more mysterious that way.  The music was more glorious.  The priest used to face the altar  along with the congregation.  After Vatican II, the priest faces the audience.  A friend told me, "They have turned the holy mass into a cooking show!" 

When I was very young, I remember my relatives gathering to pray for my dead grandfather at home.  They prayed in Spanish, which also made it mysterious to me, since I didn't learn Spanish more fully until I took courses in school.  Then when I was seven, the family gathered again to pray for my favorite aunt, Dolores, who died at age 39 from a cruel autoimmune disease, scleroderma.  Nowadays, my relatives just pray the rosary in English at the mortuary.  It's not the same. 

I believe that faith can heal, but not everyone.  Aunt Dolores was taken to the faith healer, Morris Cerullo, but was told he wasn't healing that day.  It would have taken a huge miracle to transform her once beautiful face and body from their semi-paralyzed, disfigured state.  She was the closest being to a living saint whom I've ever known personally.  Not in a goody two-shoes way, but in how cheerful and brave she was to the end.  Her son told me that one morning Dolores had a vision of heaven in her bedroom.  She tried to wake her husband to see it.  He was normally a light sleeper but he would not stir.  Her son thinks the vision was for her eyes only.  She died two days later.

Ironically, taking a theology course at USF on the history of the Catholic Church made me agnostic.  I learned how there were many different versions of Christianity in the early days and the Fathers of the Church had to choose what to believe.  They were supposed to be divinely inspired in their choices, but being human beings, I can't believe they were infallible.  The Church has made a lot of undeniably bad decisions, but I refuse to throw the baby out with bath water.  

Even though I am a fallen-away Catholic, I still pray, and I feel that some of my prayers have been answered.  

St. Peter, the rock on which Jesus built his church, was a fighter, too, so don't let that stop you from embracing Christianity --  if you can find a nice parish.  After my dad died, I found solace at St. Dominic's Church in San Francisco and attended grief support groups there and at St. Mary's  Cathedral.  I thought God might answer my prayers for my father's soul if I came back to the flock in a state of grace.  Unfortunately, the flesh is weak.  Without a car, it was hard for me to travel to the other side of town to go to mass.  Mostly Hispanic immigrant couples with children go to the churches in my local neighborhoods.  Even though I'm half Mexican and speak Spanish, I felt out of place since I'm not married and don't have kids.  

[silverkitties]

Mission, I guess we both admire the mysterious aspects of the Catholic Church. I don’t know if I told you this, but I tend to feel more religious when listening to music or seeing great art. I remember seeing the abbey at Melk in Germany, and feeling so uplifted. Maybe it’s the devotion that feels so sublime. 
The piece that gets to me is Mozart’s Jupiter symphony,especially the  fourth movement—right at the coda. It feels like the voice of God!

If I can feel a spiritual presence when listening to music, why go to church? Because I share your sentiments in that it’s hard to attend when most everyone else are part of a family. I would only feel more lost. 
 

My new post is up! https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/st-cecelia?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/st-cecelia?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=

[silverkitties]

This is for all of you who felt abandoned and forgotten after the death of a parent, especially in the first few months. As an only child, it was excruciating pain. My recent substack post describes just that—and all of the loneliness on top of the grief as well as the daily triggers. 

https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/a-blue-new-year?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=

[reader]

Thank you Silver. (((hugs)))

 

[silverkitties]

Thank you for reading, Reader! I have to admit it was not easy to write because I wound up feeling depressed all over again. 

[silverkitties]

Sorry it’s taken so long to put up my Substack post, but I’ve been crazy busy these past 2 weeks. 

Anyway, this is a bit about my parents’ early history.

https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/cecelia-han-chiu?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=

[reader]

Thank you, Silver. I hope things calm down a little and you can get a break.

Take care and have a good week!

[silverkitties]

I want to share this with everyone who’s missing their mom. I love how these mama cats look so fierce yet loving.

Maine Coon mothers and their kittens

[reader]

(((hugs))) Silver.  Your love and devotion to your mom is unmatched. 

[silverkitties]

My new post on my early childhood is up:

https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/bliss-was-it-in-that-dawn?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=

[reader]

Thank you, Silver. 

[reader]

I forgot to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you again for sharing your story with us. Take care and have a good week.

[silverkitties]

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving too, Reader! ❤️❤️❤️

[silverkitties]

I am cross-posting this from another thread.

As all of you on this thread know about my blog on my late mom, My Mother, My Grief, I’m thinking about adding occasional interviews with people over 35 who are grieving for their parents: these would take the form of questions posed by me. I’d like to do this to raise awareness on middle-aged grief for those who’ve lost their parents. Would any of you be interested in participating? And what kind of questions do you think should be asked? 

Btw, I’m not trying to exclude or ignore people under 35, but I think young adults probably have their own challenges when grieving as they pursue graduate study, get married, and have kids—or are worried about not getting married, etc. And those under 20 have their own particular challenges as well.

[silverkitties]

Another Substack post is up: https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/kisses-from-heaven?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=copy This focuses on the dreams I had after the passing of my mother and the strange incidents that took place. 

[galapagos]

On 8/9/2021 at 12:42 AM, silverkitties said:

Hello Everyone—and a special hello to May, Missionblue, Reader, Eve, Tessa, and all of my friends:

I just started a series of posts on my experiences with grief: focusing on my mother, of course, but also discussing some of my other losses. For now, it’s free as I’m trying to build up an audience. (I really need the money badly as I still haven’t had a chance to look for another job during this horrible  year, albeit one without any deaths so far.) I will be writing about my mom’s illness, her death, my intense grief that first year, and the healing process which came in fits and starts. I should add that if you’ve read my posts here, you probably won’t get much which is new until much later. 
 

It can be found at francesachiu.Substack.com. Please subscribe if you find it at all relevant. The first post is Prologue: Where’s Mom? Will I see her again?

I've read it. It's very touching. My mother also loved the Sound of Music film and was also born in February. What's worse is that I have similar relationship with my dad. And after mom's passing realized who truly loved me .

[silverkitties]

This is my Christmas special edition: https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/have-yourself-a-merry-little-christmas?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=direct

 

[reader]

Thank you for sharing Silver. (((hugs))) Thinking of you this holiday season. 

[silverkitties]

Thinking of you too, Reader; haven’t seen you ina while here. Hope everything is OK. Have the best holiday you can possibly have at this time!

 

[reader]

Thank you so much Silver. Appreciate your kind words. It's hard for me to believe it's been 5 years since my dad passed away. Wish so much he could be here to see his grandchildren. Please take care and I'll try to come back again soon. x 

[MissionBlue]

Hi Silver, Happy New Year!  Thank you again for sharing your very moving story.  The holidays are a sad time for me, because my dad died two days after Christmas.  Still, with a new year come new hope and possibilities.  I wish you many blessings and lots of luck to last the whole year through. 

“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering 'it will be happier.'” — Alfred Lord Tennyson