This Doesn't Make Me Cry

[tnd]

As I prepare to move I am having to sort through stuff. Of course, some of the stuff has made me cry. My husband didn't collect too many things and we had a habit of clearing out stuff and donating it once a year. That way our closets and apartment wasn't jam-packed. I was washing dishes and came across his coffee cup. It's an extra large mug that I had gotten for him in our first year of marriage. It's nothing special, has a couple of funny pictures on it and it was cheap. I got it mainly for it's size. He loved it. We had always enjoyed getting up early just to enjoy a cup of coffee together. I have my favorite mug and he had his. So I am keeping it. I am still using the mug I've always used and I know that he'd still be using his. Strangely tho, this doesn't make me cry. Kind of makes me feel good. I guess because after 14 years of marriage he was still using the same cup. I never thought about that before. And I am using the cup he bought me while on a train ride for our first anniversary. So, I plan to still put his cup out on display. Especially since it lightens the load for me, so to speak. 

[LMR]

tnd, I'm so glad you get some comfort from his mug. My husband's tea cup sits right next to mine every day.

I am also preparing to move. I am going to live with my sister in England. I know it's what my husband would want but it's still a wrench. We have lived in this apartment longer than anywhere else we've been. Its home. 26 years here and we accumulated all sorts of things. The decisions I have to make, what to keep, what to let go are so difficult. I would just take everything if I was staying in US. 

The last time we moved a packing case was stolen and I lost some sentimental items. This is causing me some anxiety. Decision making was his job. I feel so lost and overwhelmed.

[tnd]

13 minutes ago, LMR said:

The last time we moved a packing case was stolen and I lost some sentimental items. This is causing me some anxiety. Decision making was his job. I feel so lost and overwhelmed.

LMR:  I agree, 26 years seems like a lifetime and even more when you have the memories to go with it. I hope you are able to take the time you need to sort thru things to decide what to take with you. No doubt that is going to be hard. Would anyone in the family be interested in some of it? Or could friends hold onto some of it for you and then ship it to you later? If you have stuff that is in good shape I am sure you could donate it. That might help to bring you some comfort knowing it went to a good cause. That's what my husband and I did...anything that was in good shape we donated to a thrift store that raised money for a children's orphanage. Since my husband had been adopted, this made him feel good. 

I like what you do with your husband's tea cup. Small things like that are so heart warming. 

[KayC]

tnd, I'm glad you ran across his mug and it brings you comfort.  It's weird how stuff hits us, either bringing us comfort or pain.

LMR, That must seem a daunting task, and I pray nothing gets stolen this time.  I've lived here 44 years and can't imagine tackling moving.

[LMR]

Thank you tnd and kayo I appreciate your kind words. 

I just had a big meltdown and I'm sitting here in tears. I was going to sort through his clothes. In my mind I had already decided what I am keeping but putting it into practice was not so easy. I couldn't even throw away his socks. I suppose to do that meant accepting that he will never be coming back.

[Diane R. E.]

12 minutes ago, LMR said:

I suppose to do that meant accepting that he will never be coming back.

LMR; I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This is the way I feel as well about my husband's clothes and personal items. I still have his socks too, along with his underwear, pajamas, hats, and most of his clothes. Parting with our beloved's items is gut wrenching to say the least.

[foreverhis]

My husband had his favorite coffee mug as well. It was a large insulated metal mug with the logo of one of his favorite wood shops.  When I brought him home brewed coffee in the hospital or rehab, I brought his mug to pour it into.  The week after he died, the welded handle broke off.  I took it as a sign and tossed it out.  That didn't really bother me because it was kind of like John saying, "I don't need that now, but thank you for bringing it to me and showing you care about the little things."

What I do use are his keys, even though the ring he has them on is larger than mine.  It's a silly connection, but I don't care.

Yesterday, I started going through all his business stuff.  He was a consultant  and then had his own business for nearly 20 years, so there's a ton of stuff (records, computer disks of various generations, tax papers, client information, and on and on).  It was strange, as if I was admitting he is gone, but at the same time making my burden lighter.  I don't know how to explain it and suppose I don't really have to here.

[tnd]

Most of the time I was the one who did the laundry. And I always folded his boxers and socks to his liking (rolled up). So yes, even looking at his boxers now makes me sad. I almost contemplated keeping at least one pair and I still might. But I can't help but think that if he is watching and sees me in a quandary over his underwear, he'd laugh and just say "No no! Throw those out! Don't carry my boxers around with you for the rest of your life!". So I am going to go with that and not cry over this one. Besides, looking at his boxers and socks aren't as enjoyable as his coffee mug is. 

[LMR]

45 minutes ago, tnd said:

 But I can't help but think that if he is watching and sees me in a quandary over his underwear, he'd laugh and just say "No no! Throw those out! Don't carry my boxers around with you for the rest of your life!". So I am going to go with that and not cry over this one. Besides, looking at his boxers and socks aren't as enjoyable as his coffee mug is. 

A big hug. Thank you so much! This really made me laugh.

This morning my nephew asked me what I thought he would say if he saw me crying over his underwear and I said I didn't know. My brain seemed incapable of considering it. Reading what you wrote made me realise that he too would not want me carrying his socks and underwear around for the rest of my life.

 

[LMR]

Also I just realised how very lucky I am that my nephew did not reply with "don't be ridiculous", or something similar.

[KayC]

LMR, tnd, and everyone else going through this, keep a few things that mean the most to you or bring your comfort, and yes it can even be something as silly seeming as boxers!  There's no rules about this!  Maybe box them up and put them in a corner of the bedroom or garage, you can do something with them later.

We're unable to donate anything locally which presents a problem, my BIL's bedroom is as it was when he died, we'd hoped to help with it but ran out of time, and I worry that it would have been too much on Peggy right now anyway, my other two sisters haven't been through this and have no clue what it's like for her.  She severely disabled, depressed, hurting, and it's her's first year without her husband of 50 years on top of everything.  I say make the house habitable so she can get around without trip hazards and get to what she needs.  The rest can be little by little or wait until she's no longer able to be there.

[tnd]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

I say make the house habitable so she can get around without trip hazards and get to what she needs.  The rest can be little by little or wait until she's no longer able to be there.

KayC:  When it comes to living with an illness or disability, I have learned that our priorities MUST change. The most important thing is making it easier and safe. I do everything differently now. But I have reasons and at the top of the list, is making things doable and in such a way that won't be too dangerous for me. And even tho I have to do things differently now, every little thing I am able to do by myself is a victory. And I know if I stay as active as I can and out of the bed, the better off my health will be. I might have to do the "shuffle" to get across a room but hey, if I can get myself there then that's a positive. 

[KayC]

She has to use a walker and I am constantly looking out for trip hazards or can the walker fit in there, can she maneuver?  People who don't normally deal with that, their minds don't go there.  I found myself going behind my sisters, moving this, moving that, etc. to make it easier/safer for Peggy.  Someone threw away her outgoing mail so I had to call her denturist to send me a new packet so I can personally take it to her, get iit filled out and then immediately mail it back to them.  Her brain was HORRIBLE yesterday!  She was on the phone with me for 3 1/2 hours!  Sometimes I want to pull my hair out, thank God for your brain, we should never take them for granted.  Without them...

[tnd]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

She was on the phone with me for 3 1/2 hours!  Sometimes I want to pull my hair out, thank God for your brain, we should never take them for granted.  Without them...

KayC:  It's hard, especially in your case. There are people who exhaust us with not understanding our grief or situation and not realizing how hard we are trying and then there are people who actually aren't able to understand. You are experiencing a "double whammy". On top of that, we get no kudos. Nobody tells me I am doing great just to be able to be here alone and taking care of myself (bathing, dressing, eating, chores, dealing with paperwork). But at least I know what I've achieved each day and really, that's all that matters. Hopefully our husbands are looking down on us from Heaven and are proud. By the way, YOU ARE DOING GREAT! You ought to know. 

[KayC]

Yes, I like to think they are able to see us and have that positive thought toward us.  Well I will tell you that you are doing well to do what you are!  I think you're amazing.  I meant it when I said you are fortunate to have a good brain...that is Peggy's greatest handicap, you know, not her equilibrium, but her brain, she may know all kinds of trivia or remember way back years ago, but for practical purposes, it's gone.    I appreciate having some common sense and hope I never get this malady called dementia.  That is worst case scenario to me.

[tnd]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

I meant it when I said you are fortunate to have a good brain...that is Peggy's greatest handicap, you know, not her equilibrium, but her brain, she may know all kinds of trivia or remember way back years ago, but for practical purposes, it's gone.    I appreciate having some common sense and hope I never get this malady called dementia.  That is worst case scenario to me.

KayC:  I have an old friend who lost his parents and 2 out of 4 siblings to dementia. So this is his worst fear, too. I never know what to say to him about it other than say I'm sorry for his losses and whenever he tells me about something good in his life I cheer him on. 

[tnd]

I was sitting and thinking more about my husband's large coffee cup. It's almost the size of a soup bowl. Well, maybe not quite that big but it is large. He liked it because having a large cup meant not having to get up and refill it too often. I'd bark that he'd pour himself a cup and then half the pot would be gone. It was all in jest. But because of these memories I am keeping it. Makes me smile to look at it. And then today I started picturing the future and if I could do something with it. Maybe I could keep it on a table and fill it with hard candies or candy sticks. Or aromatic tea bags. Then I went even further, thinking about what it would look like wrapped in bright tulle and ribbon with a miniature Xmas tree standing in it. Or miniature toy pumpkins at Halloween. Chocolate Easter Eggs...The possibilities I guess are endless. Just like the smiles my husband use to put on my face. He's probably rolling his eyes right now. I'll be turning his manly cup into something mushy. But I think he'd understand. 

[LMR]

I think that's a lovely idea, especially as you can change it as often as you like and doing so may bring you comfort each time. It beats hugging the boxers. I may not go as far as cutting up his underpants but the shirts that I am not keeping I am going to cut a few squares from to use in a sewing project later. Maybe just a pathchwork cushion case or something like that. Something huggable.

Also did you ever hear of the "kindness rocks" project? You paint designs and messages on rocks and give them away or just leave them on the path for someone to find. I thought I would make some and pass them out to his friends.

[tnd]

I like your idea of a patchwork cushion case made from your husband's shirts, LMR. My mother's husband has a cloth bag and inside it he put some of the clothes she had on the night she passed. He keeps it on his bed and says it gives him something to hug that was hers. I hope your patchwork cushion case will bring you a little comfort. 

As for "kindness rocks" I will have to read about that. I could easily see myself doing something like that though. I'd leave some here and there for people to find. Years ago a girl I worked with brought me a small round smooth rock. She said she walked every day and sometimes collected rocks and that this one felt good in her hand. She wanted to give it to me with the hope I could reach into my pocket and feel calmed by it (I was going through a rough time). Something as simple as that and it wasn't even painted, really touched me and made me feel that someone cared. 

[Sparky1]

8 hours ago, LMR said:

I think that's a lovely idea, especially as you can change it as often as you like and doing so may bring you comfort each time. It beats hugging the boxers. I may not go as far as cutting up his underpants but the shirts that I am not keeping I am going to cut a few squares from to use in a sewing project later. Maybe just a pathchwork cushion case or something like that. Something huggable.

Also did you ever hear of the "kindness rocks" project? You paint designs and messages on rocks and give them away or just leave them on the path for someone to find. I thought I would make some and pass them out to his friends.

My daughter in law made quilts for all the family with some of my wife's clothes. I haven't used it yet because a lot of the pieces bring back a lot of memories. I cried with it when my daughter in law gave it to me, I will cherish it as long as I live.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:  I have an old friend who lost his parents and 2 out of 4 siblings to dementia. So this is his worst fear, too. I never know what to say to him about it other than say I'm sorry for his losses and whenever he tells me about something good in his life I cheer him on. 

I did a lot of reading and watching videos yesterday (until I strained my eyes) and I learned there's hope with Keto diet, which I am on, so it made me feel a little better about heading it off or minimizing my chances of developing it as I take good care of myself.  My sister refuses to eat healthy though so not much chance of reversing it for her. 

10 hours ago, tnd said:

Then I went even further, thinking about what it would look like wrapped in bright tulle and ribbon with a miniature Xmas tree standing in it. Or miniature toy pumpkins at Halloween. Chocolate Easter Eggs...The possibilities I guess are endless.

I love that, as a way of remembering him and keeping him in your life..  Do you have a picture of it?

8 hours ago, LMR said:

"kindness rocks" project? You paint designs and messages on rocks and give them away or just leave them on the path for someone to find.

Someone did that in our neighborhood a couple of years ago but someone stole the one they left here.  I missed it.  It kind of negated it.

I painted rocks in memory of my Arlie, one of him in the back of our pickup (which I called Arlie's Truck), and a couple of others for his grave.

9 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

My daughter in law made quilts for all the family with some of my wife's clothes.

I love that and wish I'd thought of it before donating his clothes.  What a special memory quilt to cheer you in the years to come!

[tnd]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

18 hours ago, tnd said:

Then I went even further, thinking about what it would look like wrapped in bright tulle and ribbon with a miniature Xmas tree standing in it. Or miniature toy pumpkins at Halloween. Chocolate Easter Eggs...The possibilities I guess are endless.

I love that, as a way of remembering him and keeping him in your life..  Do you have a picture of it?

KayC:  No, sorry, I don't have a picture of my husband's coffee mug. I am taking it with me when I move and then maybe before the holidays I will start doing decorating it, Meantime, maybe I could ask my brother to fill it with candies...hee hee... 

[Gail 8588]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

Kindness rocks:

Someone did that in our neighborhood a couple of years ago but someone stole the one they left here.  I missed it.  It kind of negated it.

Kay,

I think many times when people put out those painted rocks, they intend for others to pick them up and keep them, or pass them on when they are ready.  So don't feel bad that someone picked up the kindness rock.  Look at it as the person who picked it up needed those words of encouragement.  When they felt better, a day a month a year later, hopefully they put the rock out for another person to find. 

Gail

[LMR]

Gail you are correct. The rocks are intended to be taken by whoever is in need of a little happiness.

[tnd]

I think I know what I am going to do with me and my husband's wedding rings. Because my fingers often swell I can't always wear my wedding ring. At other times I've lost "water weight" and my ring wants to slip off. And his is larger than mine and I don't know if I'd get use to it on a finger. I didn't like the idea of a necklace because I'd be afraid it might break and I'd lose the rings. I'm not use to wearing jewelry as it is. But since I won't necessarily be going for "looks", I might use "suede cord leather". I could slide the rings on that and tie a good knot. Suede cord leather comes in all kinds of colors. I kind of like the turquoise. That would be bold. But the rings could hang down enough to be just inside my shirt and yet the suede cord may not make me feel "swallowed" or claustrophobic around my neck. Bad enough I've got to wear an oximeter to keep an eye on my oxygen level. I just don't like things around my neck but the suede cord leather or if needed, maybe ribbon or some other alternative might not be bothersome. Either way, I want my rings close by. 

Now, getting back to those "Kindness Rocks", I could have all sorts of fun with those. I bet kids would like finding them. I'd love to go hunting for the perfect rocks and spending the time to paint them. Would be a good project I could do on my own as a sort of mental escape. Something fun and not too hard.   

[KayC]

They put them on all of the neighbor's.  Mine was the only one taken.  I kind of felt the joy at seeing it was taken from me.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

They put them on all of the neighbor's.  Mine was the only one taken.  I kind of felt the joy at seeing it was taken from me.

KayC:  Whoever it was that took it, they must have been drawn to it...