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Lost without my mom


Lost Child

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Lost Child

I'm lost without my mom. I lost her last year. And I feel like I'm losing my mind. SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING!!! How do I make this better. I feel like no one understands how I feel so I keep everything on the inside. I find myself constantly crying, staring her picture, becoming angry at times or just being alone. And constantly asking WHY????

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Beatrixszabo

I totally understand you. You are not alone. I don't exist without her. I suffer every day. My life doesn't make sense anymore. And I feel so lonely. I want her back. It is so painful. I'm weak and tired. Life has changed forever. I don't want this life. I just want my mommy back.

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Lost Child

Wow. I'm in tears again. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I know I need to see a therapist. I can't do this alone. Or should I say WE can't? 

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Beatrixszabo

No, don't worry I feel the same. You are not alone. And Yes. I thought of a therapist. Or a medium. Or whatever. Honestly the best thing in my day is that I know if it's finished, one day less until my last day and I can see my mom again. Or at least I won't feel this pain.

What happened to you mom? How old is she?

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griefstricken532

Does anyone feel like they never want to attach themselves to anyone again because this feeling of losing someone we loved and depended on so much was taken away from us?    I thought I used to have spiritual beliefs that they are still with us and are still out there for us, but those beliefs are now gone.  Every time the phone rings I still hope it will be my dad calling, I need to hear his voice one more time.  The missing is unbearable.I can't wrap my head around the fact I will never see him again.  How do I exist without him and I all hear is you just do, well, that doesn't help.  Death is part of life so with that unbearable grief because you loved that person so much.  I am finding that concept is harder to accept than expected. Yes, I know we have to go through the stages of grieving and acceptance is one of them.   I just joined this grieving site, my dad passed 5 weeks ago and can't find any comfort and struggling with this terribly.

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Lost Child

My mom died from breast cancer she was 76. She found out October 2019. Had a mastectomy November 2019 and gained Her wings March 2020. Yall. I love the Lord, I do. And I thank him for giving me a wonderful Mother and allowing me to have Her for the time I did. And knowing that she's not suffering anymore helps me. But I still miss her. I can't stand not being able to touch her, call when I need advice or even just sitting there drinking coffee with her. Before my mom died, I was sitting by her bed recording her and talking to her. Her only response was a stare. While staring she looked over at me and said I LOVE YOU BABY! Her voice saying those 4 words are now inside a teddy bear. I press that bear hand every time I feel like I can't take it anymore!!! The night gown she had on when she gained Her wings, I smell it all the time and imagine her in it while hugging it. Will this ever go away??? Ppl tell me it will get better. WHEN IS BETTER?‽

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Lost Child

@ Rnae. I guess when we love, WE LOVE HARD! Someone gave me the advice to write all my pain down and then rip it up. But while writing it, I can never finish because my EMOTIONS becomes anger and fear. I never finish... 

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You have to allow yourself time.  Lots of time.  I lost my mom suddenly 2 years ago.  I was in shock for the first 15 months.  When I started to come out of it, I became really depressed for a month or two.  Now everything just feels really raw.  Which is why I signed up for here.  One thing that helps me is to remind myself that I need to try to live my best life now, so she can look down and be proud.  She would not want me to give up and be unhappy every day.  I know easier said then done, but I think it is important that we allow ourselves to feel the grief, but also not feel bad to feel happy sometimes, and to do happy things to help us bear the pain.        

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Lost Child

I totally agree with you. And will take what you're saying into consideration. Even though it's hard, Mama definatly wouldn't want me feeling this way. Thank you for listening to my cry!!

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Nancy33

I lost my mom 2 1/2 weeks ago and my mother in law 1 1/2 weeks ago. I just cry all the time, my body feels weak, I get panic feelings knowing she is gone. I can’t stand being alone now. I make myself go places and can barely hold back the tears. I am supposed to go back to work next week I do not know if I can do it. My dad passed away years ago but at least I still had mom until she passed July 5. Also I had my mother in law.  I do not know how I will survive this? I feel so alone even though I have my husband and teenage sons here.

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Lost Child

I'm so so sorry for your loss!! I know your pain. I've been there and it's a tough road. But I recall someone giving me the advice " Your Mother wouldn't want you to be like this." And I knew she wouldn't. Therefore I'm giving you the same advice sweetie. I to miss my mom. EVERY DAY.... when I see ppl with their mother now, I SMILE. Even sometimes I make the comment to them, CHERISH EVERY MOMENT. Nancy you'll never forget your Mother because she's forever watching over you and She's in your HEART. Continue talking about Mother and the memories, it helps me often. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I just laugh but I feel better at the end. It will get better and meditate on this, Her flesh maybe gone but her spirit lives on.

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Lost Child

I totally agree!!! There were times my Mother would tell me; BABY MAMA IS NOT ALWAYS GOING TO BE HERE I PRAY TO GOD HE TAKES ME BEFORE ANY OF MY KIDS!! She said it several times...but unfortunately God had a different plan. He took one of my brothers at the age of 44. After that she never repeated those words. Everyday, I touch the night gown she had on when she took her last breath, EVERY DAY. So I'm here like everyone else, I know my word and do my best to live by God's words. And at the end of the day...NO ONE IS REALLY PREPARED TO LOSE A LOVE ONE!!!! In Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For everything there is a season, A time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.

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oceanpoet

My heart goes out to you, Lost Child. You are not alone.

My husband lost his sister a few years ago. His words: "The sorrow never goes away. I will always miss her. But time makes it easier to bear."

I wish you lots of comfort. You can do difficult things. Hugs.

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Elizabeth711

I know what you are going through, I have lost my Mom in April and I will be ok for a few days and the sadness will just descend and overwhelm me again. I just try to keep going on. It is hard as time goes on as everyone seems to expect you are over the loss. I feel like no one understands that this loss has changed everything in my life. 

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velvetdee

Dear Lost Child, dear all,

 

I lost my mom 3 months ago from colon cancer. I lost my dad 12 years ago due to AD and in between my grandparents. My brother has his family, kids, but I don't. I was the caregiver to both my parents. Over the night i stayed alone. I do have wonderful friends, boyfriend and little bit of family left (uncle, nephews and brother) I AM ALONE. That's the truth. I have to come back in empty house that we shared all of my life, but as soon as my mom died I gave all of her clothes and belongings to the charity. It's been just 3 months. I understand and accept death, I have no no problem with death, but I miss everyday things, like Saturday's morning coffee, talking about books, our fights, little things. The most I miss the possibility that my mom won't meet my kids one day, if I'll have them. I miss what future won't bring me and I'm jealous of everyone who have it, even my brother. But the greatest sadness comes that no one understand me. No one. And that makes me feel very lonely even when I'm not alone. It's hard, but I know it will get better too. They aren't coming back, but one day we'll meet again with them. They are happy, and we, tho we will never be whole again, deserve to find a bit of happiness in this world.

 

Be strong, be brave and have faith in yourself. At this moment that's a lot too. Just go day by day, it will get better and look at the signs. You're mum is watching over you and loving you more than ever and she wants you to be okay. :)

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Lost Child

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your Mother.  I  know your pain and the heartache your enduring at this moment. Hang in there my friend because you are not alone. Cry when you need, laugh often at the memories and Pray for strength everyday! I will be the first to say the pain never goes away. For me it just became bearable. I'm here if you if you need someone to listen/talk to....BECAUSE I DO UNDERSTAND. And remember this... our MOMS will forever be in our HEARTS!

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grievingone2020

I feel exactly the same way. I also lost my Mom last year. I am lost and feel so alone. We were so close and she was always there for me no matter what. I’m always sad, angry, and exhausted. I’ve been looking for help for a while. Hospice promised to always be there but disappeared right after she passed. I’ve reached out but they never return my calls, texts, or emails. Very sad. Someone told me about a grief group and I signed up. I start going to meetings next month. I’m hoping it will help. http://Griefshare.org  Then I found grieving.com through Google and am hoping to find some peace and others to connect with. It’s so lonely. I miss my Mom more than anything. 

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Lost Child

Missing my Mother is an understatement.... like right now, I can't call her for advice, she can't hug me (I NEED ONE) or even assure me that everything will be okay. Have you ever been able to give advice to someone to help them through their rough times but can't seem to help yourself? Well I feel that way right now. I'm just not HAPPY!!! I know I need help but feel embarrassed and have to much pride to ask. I'm starting to hate life periodt. No one understood me like my MOM and no one has ever been there for me like HER!!! SMH...I'M TIRED!!!!

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MattyClark

I completely understand how you feel. I just lost my mom a month ago today. She had Glioblastoma and I couldn’t even hear her speak in her last days. I wish she was still with me so I could show her all the things that I am accomplishing and make her proud. To say I feel lost is an understatement. I’m only 19 and honestly don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.

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Hello lost child..... this is a long message but I feel like I need to share my experience with you .....my name is Mary Jane I put my members name under my mom Kazuko. it has been almost 5 months now and it still feels unreal I think I was like a robot taking care of her for two years and then helping her with her journey to the other side with hospice.


My mom who is 85 years old but she was a 85-year-old she was engaged in life so full of energy she actually worked as a waitress for 45 years and was still working up until the her diagnosis of cancer......she came to live with me and she still enjoyed life because she would see her great grandchildren almost every day because I took care of them too and I would take her out to her favorite restaurant when I could even with coronavirus we still manage somehow.

as I write this tears are flowing from my face it is so hard to believe she’s gone. My mom was not a quiet person she was a very loud person and you would know she was in the room she was also sweet cute little Japanese lady 4 foot 11 but when she talked she was like a giant 

I feel so bad because when I would take her to her treatment she would tell the nurses that I was her beautiful daughter half her body and she doesn’t know how she had such a smart child always looking into medicines to help her condition. 

My mom was a very tough lady even the doctor to read her charts could not believe all the things she had gone through ...she was diagnosed and April 2019 with an on curable cancer primary source “ not found” she had a big tumor in her groin area and she received two weeks of radiation. She also went on chemo during this time then she got two more tumors in her femur bone and on top of her bottom of her leg received radiation again. Then she got a huge tumor in her neck and the doctor put her on an Keytruda and things were going fantastic the counter was under control.

Everything was looking good we had a great Christmas 2020....The CT scan came back that the tumors have not grown in her stomach and were stable. she would even joke and say look at me I can walk without a cane.

January 2021 everything changed her lab results showed that her liver enzymes and her Billrubin was not normal so she was unable to get her keyTruda. .  

**February 3, 2021 broke her hip. I have so much regret that for that day if only I would’ve done things differently she would not have fallen. she went into the hospital and things just kept going downhill it was not her cancer that was causing this.it turned out that she had hepatitis C ...I was told she was not a candidate for hepatitis C medication because of her cancer.

Easter Sunday when I saw the way she looked I knew it was time for her to come home. she could barely even talk and she looked so weak but she was able to tell me ...”I love you” in a whisper and I will never forget that day.  those are the last words she ever spoke. 

The following day on Monday I told the doctor I want her home and we got her home the following day on Tuesday. 

Tuesday I arrange for a medical van to pick up my mom and they brought her home my mom was able to see everyone but she was unable to talk. The following morning my grandchildren came in to see her and she smiled at them for the last time when they left the room she closed her eyes and never open them again 

I believe in an unconscious stage she was able to hear us and moan but she no longer could talk or open her eyes.

my mom was on hospice for five days I took care of her all by myself changed her diaper gave her the morphine to help her get through the journey with no pain and as much peace as possible.

The morning and afternoon of April 10 I talk to my mom and told her everything I could possibly think of most of all I told her that she was not alone now and that she would never be alone on earth and haven. Her breathing became less and she passed away at 5:20 PM.  :( 
 

I am just trying to keep busy but then there are times when it hits me like big crashing waves and I still cannot believe she’s gone I’ve been trying to reach things about the after life to help me feel better to know that she’s OK it does help some but I miss her deeply

 

 

 

 

 

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Lost Child

Kazuko. While reading your message I had chills. My tears wouldn't stop coming. All I can say at this moment is: THANK YOU for sharing. WE all was/are BLESSED to have love ones who taught us how to LOVE unconditionally! I was there also with my Mom when she gained HER WINGS. Same as you, I MISS HER!!!

 

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Hi 
It’s so hard every day I cry .....I am such a busy person with things to do....I have to suck in the tears to continue my day ....then out of nowhere it hits me when I’m driving in the car and things are quiet or at night when everyone goes to sleep it hits me I just can’t believe it I can’t believe It!!! :( 

It’s so hard and shocking to believe that I will never see her sitting at her chair at the table sitting in her room bringing her breakfast lunch dinner taking her out shopping think she’d love to do. 

I took care of her for 2years.  I think I was like a soldier in the war trying not to think about what I was dealing with just kept moving like a robot trying to survive and trying to make every day happy for her trying to deal with the results of the CT scan is every 3months the worry every morning if she would be breathing when I went to check on her.  I am not sure but I think I have what they call posttraumatic stress 

I’m starting to remember things all the things we went through together the 2years .....all the worry all the medicine all the falls and also the happy times ......but especially the last 2months of her life is now all flowing back to me and unbelievable journey...... I know she’s in a better world with no pain but it is still difficult to understand why it happened all the sudden she was doing so well...

we never thought she would die when she did ...I thought she had at least 3 years or at least one year more. 

I am dealing with deep guilt.... but I know it wasn’t my fault but it doesn’t matter what anyone says I cannot get away from the fact of what happened that day

What happened was I bought my mom a new mask to where she didn’t know how to put it on

this day was supposed to be a good day I had the day off from taking care of my grandchildren and the whole day was for my mom so I was going to take her out to get a hamburger and go shopping to her favorite store

my mom came into my room as I was finishing up getting ready and she asked me to help her with her mask and I said just give me one moment go ahead and sit on the bench....this was a small bench in my room 2 feet high which my mom had set on before many times. This time there was a pillow on the bench she did not remove the pillow and she said on the side she slipped off the side and yelled and as I turned around she was on the ground :( 

I helped her up took her to the emergency room and was told she had a broken hip....from that point everything went downhill she started declining..... it wasn’t because she couldn’t over become to the hip surgery which I knew she could ......because she was a very strong lady and had overcome the year before a femur fracture and with physical therapy she walked again even without a cane

this time she could not recover and we could not figure out why then I was told her liver had shrunk and she had severe cirrhosis.  I had them do a hepatitis C test and it came back as “reactivated” The doctor told me she was not a candidate for a liver transplant and she was not a candidate for the hepatitis C medication so without one of these things being done she was going to die

my struggle is why did Nite have her have a hepatitis C test done early on why did I have her sit on the bench that was in my room to avoid the fall because I believe having the surgery escalated the liver damage and the hepatitis virus.....it is truly so sad because my mother didn’t understand medical stuff she never understood that she had hepatitis C all she knew is that she fell down and could never recover this is very difficult for her because she was such a strong lady

I do know deep inside myself that it was not my fault about the hepatitis C how was I supposed to know she had a blood transfusion 30 years ago when she had a hysterectomy.....how was I to know that she would fall from a 2 foot bench in my room....when she had sat on this bench many times and she was always so careful. 

wherever she sit down she was always holding onto something she was very careful about this....I believe it was because her liver was damaged already and the toxins were going to her brain and she may have become dizzy when she was trying to sit down on the bench

I wanted to share all this with you to let you know that we are in this together our mothers were special to us and no matter how much we look back on it will never change the fact that they are gone but we have them in our hearts we have a good memories and he would want us to live a happy life we meant very much to our mothers we need to make them proud!!! :) 

if you ever want to email me on my email you are more than welcome to every day once a week once a month whatever makes you feel comfortable

I know the feeling I have feelings that I want to talk about every day but my family gets tired of hearing about it even my friends I guess everybody thinks you’re supposed to recover and go on with life

however you and I know this is the impossible we will be dealing with this for the rest of her lifes

take care lost child you could talk to me whatever you need too :)  My name is Mary Jane .....email Danczr@icloud.com 

 

 

 

 

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