How do I do this?

[Darlene13]

3 minutes ago, LMR said:

Of course what I read is not being retained. Maybe that is why I have watched some tv shows as much as five times!

I get where you're coming from.  I was never much of a tv watcher, but I was an avid reader, and now I find myself having to read the same pages again and again.  It's frustrating.  I remember Kay telling me months ago that it took her 10 yrs to be able to focus enough to read a book again...I'm a year out and my focus hasn't really improved much.  It's hard to think about it maybe taking that much longer to be able to concentrate well, but I guess we just all have to take one day at a time and do the best we can.  

[John9]

LMR,

I am sure many have felt this way as I know I have. I have said I am not the smartest person in the world, most of the time I am not the smartest person in any room BUT I was usually able to find an answer to a question which my wife really liked about me but since she died NOTHING makes any sense in any way. I barely do much reading except the headlines in the "paper" and most of that I find I will get about halfway into the story and quit because it makes no sense to me. All day long all I do is think of my wife and of course no matter how I try to think of Happy Memories SADNESS overtakes everything and I start to cry. It just saps all of my strength and leaves me angry and frustrated all the time. And of course I sleep like crap and am restless all night long and can't even remember if I am dreaming about her. Weird things are happening but I am not sure if it is her or just weird things happening because....I am not sure what this Reality is that you speak of because none of this seems real at all.

[LMR]

8 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am not sure what this Reality is that you speak of because none of this seems real at all.

That's just it. I am two weeks short of a year and I KNOW in my logical brain that it is never going to change now but I still can't believe it. I cannot get my head around it at all. How can he not be here, it isn't possible. Death itself is inexplicable.

Like you John I am often in tears. I am only half a person now.

[John9]

LMR,

I have always said my wife was more than my better half, she was 75 percent and now that she is gone I am about 25 percent of what I was just barely surviving and nobody except those here understands any of this. This constant PAIN and SUFFERING and the LONELINESS is just not right and it isn't how it was supposed to be. I don't know how I am supposed to endure this without her here with me she was my EVERYTHING and she is just GONE and it seems like nobody cares as if if she didn't matter at all.

[LMR]

My husband was the outgoing sociable one. I was the "sidekick". I didn't mind. Nobody else knew the real me. It didn't matter, I could make him laugh and we did, pretty much every day.  I was happy. We were wonderful together. Now I feel invisible most of the time.

A neighbor stopped by as I was emptying out the shed. We have hardly spoken in the last year, mainly because of covid. She commented how she would watch us go by each day, smiling, hand in hand, as she put it " the epitome of love".  We really did have something special and I miss him so much.

Crying again.......

[John9]

LMR,

"Everybody" that knew us would have said the same things except we weren't Social creatures because of how our lives were. I was busy with the caregiving and she worked and our time was our time. We didn't hate people but we didn't want to waste time being polite to be polite. WE wanted to be ALONE together but since MIL moved in 5 years ago even that was hard and it makes it even worse now because we won't get that time back. I AM NOT angry at the situation but I AM angry at how it all turned out because we should have been allowed more time and I am sure we all would agree on that statement. We will grieve because we LOVE(D) and because we LOVE(D) we will grieve, some of us will maybe never come to terms with it (ME) and some will learn to separate the grief and the living, if that makes any sense because I know what I want to say but it isn't coming to me. I am typing while holding back the tears as best I can but it is hard and harder each day. I miss the hand holding too and all of the other things as well.....

[Gail 8588]

LRM,

Your description of your "brain has split in two" resonates with me.  I have a constant dialogue in my head about how different this activity that I am currently doing would be if my husband were alive. 

When I am alone, it is not so weird, because it is the main or only "conversation" going on.  But when I am with others, it's like a split screen brain.  I have the verbal conversations I am engaged in with others, and the monologue in my head that relates to John's absence.

Perhaps this contributes to how exhausted I feel all the time, because my brain is working double time.  

Don't know how this helps, but just thought I'd let you know I experience this too. 

Gail

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

. . .  some will learn to separate the grief and the living, . . .

John9,

I hear you.  And I think that I was in a very similar place of despair in my grief.  

I am not sure why I keep trying to explain to you how my situation evolved, as I don't think I would have believed it would have any bearing on my situation when I was where you are now.  But once again, I am going to try to put in words a process which I don't understand. 

When I was in my 3 years of terrible despair,  I could not feel anything but my pain and loss.  Sometimes I would sob, often I would have pain in my chest or head that I thought would kill me, but more and more of the time I was just a zombie, dead, with no feeling of emotion at all.  As a zombie, I could go through the motions of life, speak to people, try to act human, but all the while just hoping I'd get hit by a bus and not have to endure this any longer. 

What changed for me, and I have no real understanding of how I processed this change, is I began to FEEL human again.  I had an emotional tie to the present again. 

I didn't get over my grief, nor did I stop missing my husband.  But I have started living again.  As you stated, I have somehow separated my grief from my living.  My grief no longer overwhelms my living.

I don't know if this makes any sense to you.  I don't know if it gives you any hope for your future. 

Sending you a hug as you persevere through the hardest of circumstances. 

Gail

[AnnRA]

Gail -Once again, thank you, thank you. You have an extraordinary way of explaining your journey.  That helps me and others so very much.  I can understand how this has been for you, and I think and hope it will be that way for me too. I am nearly at 9 months and still in the same despair as at the beginning, but can see that there is a process that can happen.

 Years ago, I had a moderate traumatic brain injury, due to a traffic accident.  I definitely went through grief and trauma. It was a process.  The difference was that my dear husband was with me, although he often did not understand.   Through time, there was a process that happened for me, and I hope to God that there is possibly a process in this too.   That is what you describe so well.  I see tiny slivers of change in how I think about things, the clarity of my thinking, and how I am becoming more like myself, just a bit.  

Bless you, and please keep guiding us in how this is for you.   Hugs/Ann 

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I am very grateful when someone like you who has been at the point I am explains that it is "normal" even if it isn't exactly the same. What you just said is how I feel and maybe I will get there and maybe I won't make it that long, as I said before I am not in charge of anything in that regards. And the quote "But What is Grief, If Not Love Persevering" is just the way it is, and to LOVE is to risk LOSS also. I have said before if someone writes it to me I will read it and I will file it in my broken brain and maybe use it in the future.

[tnd]

9 hours ago, John9 said:

I am always sad and the only thing that actually helps is if I do talk about my wife. I think they are more afraid about being sad themselves which is why so many "leave" us alone to grieve.

John9:  You bring up a good point. My brother told me that my SIL understands my grief because she lost her father. But I felt that was marginalizing my own grief. Neither she nor my brother have lost a spouse and I told them so. I told them the relationship I had with my husband was different than the relationship a person has with a parent and that I need to grieve in my own way. But I hadn't thought that maybe they don't talk to me about my husband and grief because they are sad themselves over it. They liked my husband.     

[John9]

tnd,

As the furthest thing from any kind of an expert, I think that the relationship is the key part to the "level" or type of grief we suffer. In my case and I am only speaking for myself it seems multiplied by what I lost. As I have said and will continue to say she was My EVERYTHING and when I list what I lost each part that it represents is another level of grief for me and it tears me apart in every way. She was my Best Friend, My Soulmate , My Lover, My Wife, My Anchor, My Rock, My Playmate, My World, My Everything, My Reason to Be Alive, My Future and I can't even see being here without her. I know that I am saying some things others feel and I am not saying anyone didn't LOVE their "spouse" less than I. I am saying that this is how I feel everyday all day and it HURTS so much. A friend is a friend and if you liked them you will grieve, a family member will bring grief but it will depend on how close you were but "if" you have or had the relationship "we" had it literally tears you apart inside and out, and this is my life right now.

[tnd]

8 minutes ago, John9 said:

A friend is a friend and if you liked them you will grieve, a family member will bring grief but it will depend on how close you were but "if" you have or had the relationship "we" had it literally tears you apart inside and out, and this is my life right now.

John9:  That's just it, isn't it? My husband was "my everything" too. Many many things to me. So I get how your wife was many things to you and so you have many many layers of grief. It's all so overwhelming. Someone once told me that marriage is like an investment. Okay, I get that. But I wasn't good to my husband expecting "a return" on my investment, I was good to him because he made me happy and accepted me and together we really were like two peas in a pod. And if he were here, I know he'd say the same thing. So every time I did something for him, whether it was cook a nice dinner or press his shirts and pants, it wasn't because I expected something in return -I did things because he had ALREADY did nice things for me by just being kind and loving. I thoroughly enjoyed doing things for him and making him happy. And he didn't have to thank me every time, just his behavior towards me said it all. Altho it did make me feel good when he complimented my cooking every night! I was lucky for that. I suspect it may have been similar for you and your wife. Now who do I please and give attention to? It's like I've lost my purpose. 

[LMR]

Oh John. I am so sorry for your pain. All those things you feel are my feelings too. He was my life.

I have some photos I put out of my husband. The one has always been my favorite, the young guy I fell in love with.The smile, the dimples. But now when I look at them I want to see the more recent photo, the old, slightly frail grey haired guy. I loved him a little more every day for 48 years so this old guy owns every scrap of me. I am his, totally and forever.

[John9]

tnd,

I feel the same way in many regards, not only about what I did for my wife but in regards to caring and doing for others. It wasn't about what do I get out of it but how can I help or just be nice. I have said that caring for my friend was not about a return because again there wouldn't be enough "money" to offset the time invested, for what 10 cents an hour because I did it for almost 12 years. I did everything for my wife because I wanted to, she did what she did for me for the same reason, she wanted to. I said it before I didn't make her or force her to do anything, everything was her decision and unless she asked me for my opinion it was hers alone. I just tried to make her life easier for her so she could enjoy her time with me and if that was wrong too bad.

[John9]

LMR,

I said the same about my love for my wife, I LOVED her more each day than the day before and I believe my grief is proportional to my LOVE. I placed her cremains in a wooden urn with 2 picture frames on it and the pictures I used were a collage of the smile she had through the years and the time from 18-53 the smile was the same and it was the smile that lit up the room when she "gave" it to you. I have some picture from before I knew here and some from this year and that smile is there and will be until I die.

[tnd]

9 minutes ago, LMR said:

I loved him a little more every day for 48 years so this old guy owns every scrap of me. I am his, totally and forever.

LMR:  I like how you put that. Spending that many years with someone obviously would be missed. I am so sorry! You and your husband must have had something special to have shared 48 years. That's great. I don't mean that so much in a cheery way, not right now, but I do think that it's wonderful for a couple to have had such a long marriage. Putting pictures out of him sounds like a good idea. I plan to do that, too after I get moved. I'm packing them in my suitcase so they don't get lost. 

[Gail 8588]

17 minutes ago, LMR said:

 . . .  this old guy owns every scrap of me. I am his, totally and forever.

LMR, 

I feel exactly the same way.  

I was 21 when I first fell in love with John.  I grew to love him more each day for 40 years.  I have him embedded in every cell of my being. 

Legally our marriage is dissolved. Physically he is dead. But in my mind and heart he is still here with me and always will be. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

I'm a year out and my focus hasn't really improved much.

I don't think my brain ever fully went back to "pre-loss" but then I'm getting older too...however, I was only 52 when he died.  I didn't watch t.v. for a few years and didn't read for many more, what I could do at my job was not the same as prior to his death.  Another thing to accept...

18 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

I guess we just all have to take one day at a time and do the best we can.  

Yes.

17 hours ago, LMR said:

My husband was the outgoing sociable one. I was the "sidekick".

George was my social setter too, I pretty much don't have much of a life anymore outside of Kodie.  I had created some friends and activities but they went with Covid.

13 hours ago, AnnRA said:

I am becoming more like myself, just a bit.

You, having recovered from brain trauma, understand then that it takes time/effort and that while we may not be the same as before, we can improve, I'm glad you are doing it.

Everything you guys write I can relate to, we were each other's everything, so glad to have found each other and had each other in our lives...the price we pay now is very hard though.

 

 

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Everything you guys write I can relate to, we were each other's everything, so glad to have found each other and had each other in our lives...the price we pay now is very hard though.

KayC,

I agree and I would have paid any other price to be able to have spent more time with her. The price I am paying now is way too much as it cost me my EVERYTHING. I hope that the writings from you and others continue to help me and others and I understand that along with "our" grieving we all have something we MUST deal with too which just makes it so much harder. This of course just makes it harder when the "others" don't see this as a big deal and why are you STILL having an issue with this, it's been....

[tnd]

8 hours ago, John9 said:

This of course just makes it harder when the "others" don't see this as a big deal and why are you STILL having an issue with this, it's been....

John9:  Many years back my brother once lectured me (as if I were a child) that I needed to "move on" and not dwell on the past. He was speaking of my divorce from my first husband. I remained (by choice) single for nearly 10 years after that. But my brother took my being single as "dwelling on the past" and not moving on. Well, I wasn't dating because I didn't want to. And I was fine with that, I never complained to him or to anyone that I was lonely because I wasn't. Anyways, I wonder how long it will be that he'll be telling me again that I need to move on. Some people I swear have no filters or are tone deaf. They have no friggin' idea what is going on but boy, they sure act like they do. 

[John9]

tnd,

I am not sure if "they" will ever understand that sometimes we just need to vent and sometimes we just need to be left alone. Some of us may never recover (ME) from this and telling me to move on or get over it won't work or do me any good. I just told my neighbor today when he said that he didn't send me a "Holiday" greeting for the 4th of July because he didn't want to make me sad, I told him you CAN'T make me any sadder than I am and I need the interaction. I said I am always sad and maybe the comment would help for a moment.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I told him you CAN'T make me any sadder than I am and I need the interaction. I said I am always sad and maybe the comment would help for a moment.

John9:  Good for you, telling him that. I really don't know what people expect of us. The other day my brother told me that he really needs me to be mentally prepared for the move and to stay focused. Well, I could have thrown the computer out the window over that one! I mean, WTH?? Just how in the heck does one be mentally prepared for ANYTHING after losing their spouse? And now I'm losing my home and all my belongings. How does one mentally prepare for THAT?? I sure pray that your neighbor understood you. Being blunt and honest may be the only way for us to get through to people. It's a shame that we have to strategize like this, tho. We shouldn't have to. And so now here comes my anger...stuff like this burns me up. Sometimes (like right now) I really don't want to be here on this planet anymore. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, John9 said:

I told him you CAN'T make me any sadder than I am and I need the interaction.

I like this.  You're telling it like it is, which is so important!

 

13 hours ago, tnd said:

Being blunt and honest may be the only way for us to get through to people.

Yes, with some people, yes.

13 hours ago, tnd said:

Just how in the heck does one be mentally prepared for ANYTHING after losing their spouse?

You don't, we are at our full capacity, cannot take another thing, particularly in early grief!  You'd think people could get that, but nope.  They have to go through it themselves to get it, the one thing we'd never wish for them.

[John9]

KayC,

I have to try to tell the ones who talk to me what I am going through so if not for me maybe it will help the next person they have who is grieving and they might better understand. And yes I keep thinking I am at my full capacity and THEN......I also would never want anyone to have to deal with this but we know that many will but not all will experience THIS level of grief.

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, John9 said:

. . . I have to try to tell the ones who talk to me what I am going through so if not for me maybe it will help the next person they have who is grieving and they might better understand. 

John9, 

I agree with you that part of the reason people don't understand the depth of our grief, is that we don't ever tell them.  It might help 'society' to be more appropriately responsive to grievers  if more of us shared how life-crushing, confusing, and painful this can be.   

But it's really hard to open up about it to others.  When I really was in such despair, I just wanted to be left alone.  I was concerned that if I let people know how I really felt, they may institutionalize me (Baker Act in Florida as dangerous to self). As I got 'better' and longed for some level of understanding,  it felt to me that telling the truth was inviting a pity party.  I didn't really want pity or even sympathy, just understanding. An appreciation for how really hard it is/was to function. 

On this forum, it is easy to share, because we all get it.  But it is still very hard for me to share with folks in my real world. 

I am glad you have made some progress in expressing "our" condition to regular folks.  I'll try to do more of this too. 

Gail

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I am a person who lost many in my life and until I lost my wife I was unaware of what GRIEF was. I am trying to let people know that this is by far the absolute worst thing I have ever experienced and you are right I am not looking for pity or sympathy just understanding and someone to talk to. This forum is great and it helps because WE UNDERSTAND and maybe because of the "internet" more people will get it but I don't know I am just trying to make it through this.

[tnd]

8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I agree with you that part of the reason people don't understand the depth of our grief, is that we don't ever tell them.  It might help 'society' to be more appropriately responsive to grievers  if more of us shared how life-crushing, confusing, and painful this can be.   

Gail 8588:  I have to agree with you. People rally around people for all sorts of reasons but we usually don't "hear it" from the people we need to hear it from. For one thing, our families could offer us a lot of moral support and our friends, the people who know us. When I hear nothing in the way of my grief, I feel slighted or that I am being avoided. I know it's probably uncomfortable for people but I wonder what they think it is like for me? This is why I am going to have a sit down with my brother and SIL when I get there. I want to look them in the eye and tell them exactly how I feel over losing my husband and what I think I might need in the way of support and what I don't want or like. And I'm going to do the same about talking to them about my medical condition. I'm just going to be blunt and spell it straight out for them and ask for their understanding. And hopefully doing it while we are all sitting at the table with me looking directly at them, they won't feel as if they can just walk off or ignore me and not answer emails.   

[KayC]

I've known grief in my life, I have lost so many, beginning when I was 14 and my three year old nephew died.  I lost my dad when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child.  I lost my sweet MIL who was the mom I always wanted and my best friend, I was 34 then.   I lost my nearly two year old niece.  I've lost 24 cats & dogs over the years.  I lost my sister.  Aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousin, friends.  The hardest by far was my husband, and then when I lost my companion dog, Arlie, it felt very much like that had.  When we live with them and they are our world the loss is not something we can prepare for, even if we know it's coming, it hits like a bomb to our heart.  There is no ever being the same again, nor is our world.

Not every marriage is the same.  For those of us who counted our partner our soulmate, we grieve differently than those who did not have that same situation.  I know, I was married 23 years to someone who didn't love me, made no effort towards our marriage, was cold...if I'd lost him it would not have been the same loss as losing George.  I think it hits no matter what the marriage, just saying it's not the same for everyone and these people here are the ones that seek to find someone who gets it...we are the ones left scrambling...

[John9]

KayC,

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

Not every marriage is the same.  For those of us who counted our partner our soulmate, we grieve differently than those who did not have that same situation.  I know, I was married 23 years to someone who didn't love me, made no effort towards our marriage, was cold...if I'd lost him it would not have been the same loss as losing George.  I think it hits no matter what the marriage, just saying it's not the same for everyone and these people here are the ones that seek to find someone who gets it...we are the ones left scrambling...

I feel that you and I are on the same "page" and you hit on some of the things I had said and thought, I also believe that what you said is WHY some don't UNDERSTAND and never will for some it is like they are waiting for the spouse to die so they can be free. I said basically that is what my neighbor said "he would be okay alone" because all he does is "complain" about his wife and not in a "joking" way like a  comedian would. I feel that because my wife was LOVE at first sight for me I will never get over this... I know some and maybe everyone here feels/felt the same but it really hurts MORE each day not less. The PAIN is not getting easier to deal with AND her Birthday is in 2 days and I"m DREADING it and there is no way I can HIDE from it because I have to care for MIL and can't stay in bed.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, John9 said:

I said basically that is what my neighbor said "he would be okay alone" because all he does is "complain" about his wife and not in a "joking" way like a  comedian would. I feel that because my wife was LOVE at first sight for me I will never get over this..

John9:  That's sad that your neighbor is so unhappy in his marriage. I'd say it would be toxic to hear that sort of stuff. But maybe he needs a friend like you do. However, if all he wants to do is complain about his wife while you have lost yours, I'd maybe think twice of visiting with neighbor. You don't need to hear someone else's complaints right now. What all of us on here need is not only an understanding but to be consoled and to have someone tell us that they are "listening". Moral support. I don't know that your neighbor could provide that if he's so wrapped up and affected by his disdain for his wife. If he can't see that you need a friend right now then I'd leave him be. I'm sorry that you are going through this....and then with your wife's birthday coming up...I'll be thinking of you.     

[John9]

tnd,

I have "heard" my neighbor complain for as long as we have been "friends" and he is well aware of how hard it is for me losing my wife, but he is so used to doing it I don't think he is aware of it. I accept that this is how he was, my friend who died in January was the same when he complained about "everything" it was his way and mostly it didn't bother me. I can't afford to not interact with my neighbor as I don't have many as it is, Maybe he will say something one day and I am in a "BAD" mood and I may lose it because we all know that there is a breaking point where something that yesterday didn't bother you but today it really grates on you. And Thursday could be that day (her Birthday) I don't know. I know GRIEF, ANGER, FRUSTRATION, SADNESS and LONELINESS are not a good combination all at once and without the ONE who held me in check it has the possibility of now ending well.

[LMR]

18 minutes ago, John9 said:

Thursday could be that day (her Birthday) I don't know. I know GRIEF, ANGER, FRUSTRATION, SADNESS and LONELINESS are not a good combination 

John, You know that Thursday will be a bad day. Why not plan on giving in to it. I know you have responsibilities, but in between just let go. Cry as loud as you can, talk to her, plan something for her. Don't try to hold it back!

[John9]

LMR,

Thank you and I already accept I can't stop it and I will be a HOT MESS so I probably won't even be able to TALK to anyone but her. I lost it the other day talking about to her Aunt (her Birthday is Wednesday) about how they will no longer be 5 years apart in age and I will NEVER be 8 years older than her anymore either. I have already had the bad days when they were of littler significance like the Holidays but now it starts to get to her Favorite time of the year because more people would "visit" as the weather was colder with less to do so they would be available to come over. I don't know what might happen plan for the worst, hope for the best. I haven't made it through ANY day yet without crying many many times and waking up crying and going to bed crying.

[tnd]

John9:  I'd take LMR's suggestion and cry or scream as loud as I need to but I live in an apartment building. Unlike a lot of apartments, this place is pretty quiet. So if I did that I'm sure someone would come running or call the police. But if I was still living in a house I'd probably really let it all out. I've had to resort to just screaming with a towel over my mouth. It's agonizing to not be able to let it all out. Or I almost wish I could hit something.  

[LMR]

27 minutes ago, John9 said:

 I haven't made it through ANY day yet without crying many many times and waking up crying and going to bed crying.

I hear you. It's the same for me and I'm almost at one year. Bed time is the worst. I cannot imagine a life without him even though I'm already living it.

Strangely his birthday was one of the better days. I met up with some friends at his favorite coffee bar. I sat in my usual seat 'next to him'. We laughed and cried and swapped stories. He felt close - until I got home when I collapsed into a sobbing, screaming heap!

I will be thinking of you.

Hugs

[John9]

tnd,

WHEN I SCREAM, it is either into my pillow or when I am driving and no one is around but I do SCREAM. I have so far not hit anything because as I stated before there will be damage to something (me or what I hit) and the outcome would be worse because I will break something in my hand or have to repair something.

[John9]

LMR,

Thank you for the Hugs, We didn't have a "place" because LIFE happens and we she wasn't really an "out to dinner" person. She was a mostly private "shy" person who would rather be a home. When we started dating 35 years ago we went to places but most are gone. I will just be at home "talking" to her and waiting for a response. I just hope that God is done with me soon. Sadly anyone who could or would have had stories has "left" me except our son and her Aunt and we always talk about her which helps but... I feel the same when anyone does visit and they "leave" or after a phone call and I go into the bedroom and then I am ALONE again.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, John9 said:

I also believe that what you said is WHY some don't UNDERSTAND

Exactly.  Before I met George I could not have understood this level of grief, how could I?  All of my relationships up to then were a letdown, a disappointment, no matter how hard I worked at it.  He was my culmination, of everything comforting, wonderful, protective, safe, understanding, good.  Feeling in that cared about state, that place of caring and protection...it's been gone since he drew his last breath here.  I believe he's alive somewhere...just not here, I need him but I can't reach him.  But I'm glad he's not going through what I am.  He is in that better place, but I am left in the struggle...

[John9]

KayC,

I agree about the feeling you expressed, BUT my wife was my ONLY LOVE. I had crushes but they went nowhere and my wife was the ONE and she was ALL for me. I don't know if she is in a BETTER place because I thought it was good here WITH her and I here together, but I am glad also she isn't the one SUFFERING but I MISS her SO MUCH and IT HURTS. I am just so lost and ALONE without her and only the people here UNDERSTAND that feeling. The hours awake are too long and the time asleep too short because the LONELINESS is constant and so PAINFUL there are so many things that just bring on the GRIEF.

[John9]

Well I thought it was ONLY going to be HARD on my wife's Birthday tomorrow, but today is also terrible. I have not been able to function at any level other than feed MIL and change her and make sure she has medications. I guess it is building up to overload because everything is causing me to lose it. I can barely hold it together to type this through the tears. THIS SUCKS.

[April Ballou]

Yes it all sucks.  I hate that we are all dealing with this.  But together we can make it. I don't like being alone and I don't like not having the one and only true love that I ever had not here with me.  I never had a boyfriend, lover, best friend before until Darrell came into my life.  

[tnd]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't know if she is in a BETTER place because I thought it was good here WITH her and I here together,

John9:  My husband's faith was stronger than mine but he told me that there is no better place than Heaven and to think or believe otherwise is putting that above God and that no one or nothing should be above God. Not even the happiness that couples have from being together. I guess that would imply that our lives with each other here on earth is better than God's Heaven. And according to what my husband says is in the Bible, that wouldn't be right.  

[John9]

tnd,

Maybe when I am done SUFFERING and God lets me die, He will explain this all to me because it makes no sense to me. I want to believe that Heaven exists and she is happy I was just saying I think if she HAD a choice she would have wanted to WAIT for me to go too. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be not me caring for MIL ALONE without her.

[tnd]

4 minutes ago, John9 said:

I think if she HAD a choice she would have wanted to WAIT for me to go too.

John9:  My husband and I would talk about this and neither one of us really wanted to go before the other. We wanted to stay together, even if it meant dying together. But my husband just kept saying that it will be up to God. That did very little in the way of comforting me but I think back now and in a weird way, I'm sort of "relieved" that my husband went before I do because I sure as heck wouldn't want him to be going through the pain I am. And he was a good person. A real solid guy and the kind that people knew when he cared about them. He certainly went above and beyond to make me happy. And he always told me how happy I made him...and that made me feel good. So I sure hope our spouses are at peace now and enjoying what they deserve to. Doesn't help my own pain but I do have a little relief thinking of my husband being in Heaven. 

[John9]

tnd,

18 minutes ago, tnd said:

So I sure hope our spouses are at peace now and enjoying what they deserve to. Doesn't help my own pain but I do have a little relief thinking of my husband being in Heaven. 

I DO HOPE that all are at peace in Heaven and THAT is the only thing that comes close to bringing ME peace. I have said many times that as good as I try to be my wife was BETTER and yes she cared more for others (including me) than herself and I was very happy when she did. My wife always told others how happy I made her and how much she appreciated what I did for her and others too including her Mother. All that being said as you did it doesn't help me get through what I am dealing with at this moment in this Grief because of the upcoming "event". Maybe God will let me "celebrate" with her and take me today or tomorrow. I just want this over with soon.

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, John9 said:

Maybe God will let me "celebrate" with her and take me today or tomorrow. I just want this over with soon.

John9:  I definitely have days like that. Just last night I told myself that if grief doesn't kill me, my illness will. I realized that all this worrying I am doing about moving could be for nothing because I could die soon. Maybe sooner than I thought. More and more I feel I haven't got a whole lot of time left on this earth and well, I'm alright with that. I will do what I am capable of doing towards dealing with things but in the back of my mind, knowing I might go soon or even in a year or two sort of offers me some peace. Maybe that's what we need to do...to find peace with ourselves. Not just with our spouses but from ourselves. Like it's okay to grieve and have the thoughts and feelings that we have. I can live with myself for that.  

[John9]

tnd,

I had originally told my son I expect to die from a broken heart before the end of the year and I have tried to prepare him for that possibility, I am okay if it happens because honesty there is nothing to KEEP me here. I always cared to stay alive for my wife but now not so much, I am at peace with dying I am not at peace with the living with the grief, pain and suffering. I am totally at the mercy of God and his plans but hopefully his plans end for me soon. I have said that I am only able to do what I can for as long as I can and I don't know how long that will be. The overall wear and tear on me emotionally and physically is BAD. Stress is off the charts and no matter how I try to "relax" nothing works and everyday is just worse than the day before.

[tnd]

16 minutes ago, John9 said:

Stress is off the charts and no matter how I try to "relax" nothing works and everyday is just worse than the day before.

John9:  Stress and anxiety are not our friends. I've been having anxiety attacks and have had to focus hard on calming down. I don't know why but eating dark chocolate calms me. I love chocolate but I am wondering if perhaps it's the potassium in dark chocolate that helps. There was an evening when I drank a couple glasses of orange juice and woke up in the night having a major anxiety attack. My heart was racing, rat-a-tat-rat-a-tat-tat. In that case, I wondered if perhaps I had had TOO MUCH potassium. Haven't  had anymore orange juice since then. But I do okay with the chocolate, the little miniature bars. Might be worth a try. Otherwise getting up and walking around can help. Or if you have any sort of chair that rocks. My husband's recliner rocks and that helps sometimes. It wears my legs out. I've fallen asleep sitting upright in it. Sometimes I sleep better not getting under the covers. I just lay a sheet on top of the bed and sleep with another one over me. 

What we really want we can't have. Our spouses are never coming back. I don't want to accept it. It just seems impossible to do. So I quit trying to accept it and work on the things I know that I can do something about. That's not easy either but some things are possible. 

[AnnRA]

tnd and John9 — I too crave dark chocolate.  I have been told that it has a lot of magnesium, which is very very useful for stress calming.  It also has much lower amounts of sugar than other types of chocolate.  I wonder if your anxiety after the o.j. was because of too much sugar in it? Or from the fruit sugar?  

Anyway, I swear by magnesium and take it in capsule form. It was recommended to me by a natural pharmacist.  You DO have to be careful as some kinds can upset your bowels.  Ask your pharmacist and check online.  Hope this helps!