How do I do this?

[LMR]

How do I do this? It has been almost a year and I still can't accept that he is gone. It is such a nonsensical notion. I am still sitting waiting for him because it seems like the only thing I can do. I know intellectually that its crazy but that doesn't make any difference. I try to go about my day, to keep my head, but there's a limit to how long I can pretend. I don't know if I will ever be able to accept this version of reality.

Sorry for ranting. I know there is no answer but I can't say this to anyone else. I had to tell somebody.  I just want to scream.

[june483]

It took me about a year to accept the truth, that he was really gone.  I used to walk into the empty house and call out his name.  I knew he wouldn't answer but it just seemed like that is what I was supposed to do as I did it for so long.  Getting into bed alone and waking up alone took a long time to feel normal.  I don't know how to help you but just to say, it is not uncommon to take this long.  I don't think you can rush the acceptance part, it just starts to show up a bit at a time till it becomes your new (disappointing) normal. Maybe try praying even if your heart is not in it yet.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, LMR said:

It has been almost a year and I still can't accept that he is gone.

Gosh, it took me YEARS to process my husband's death, at least three, it was very very gradual, so as to seem imperceptible at the time.  

[Dawn Wms]

We finally had a celebration of Life for my husband after his death over 14 months ago.  I still cannot  accept it as real.  I know intellectually that it has happened, but my heart can't process it as fact.  It was sudden and unexpected.  It was traumatic.  I think my inability to accept it has to do with my unwillingness to do so.  I am so angry and feel ripped off.  I feel like it will be years for me too as it was for KayC.  It is definitely not linear.  You are right when you say there are no answers, but this is the place to share the questions and to know that we can can relate to your desire to scream!  I just keep saying it is an impossible situation.  

 

[Gail 8588]

Intellectually, I knew John had died, but it made no sense to me that he was not here. It was like saying there is no oxygen in the atmosphere.  I can't live without oxygen, it has to be here. I can't live without John, he has to be here.

At the cellular level my body was ripped in two and it wasn't healing. How can I be alive?  I couldn't make sense of it. 

It really felt like a brain injury to me. My brain just couldn't sort it out. I felt I was losing my mind. 

It wasn't until my 4th year that my brain sorted out my new reality. 

I think most people sort it out more quickly than I did. 

Gail

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It really felt like a brain injury to me.

I have often related to tho a traumatic brain injury!  It is much like that!  No one would expect someone with a traumatic brain injury to be instantly okay, why would they expect it of us!  This is hard hitting and very hard to learn to get through.

[tnd]

I had such a bad day that I couldn't cope at all with anything except for doing one small load of laundry. If it weren't for you folks sharing your own experiences, I'd think I was totally losing it. 

[LMR]

That's just how I feel tnd. I plan to get one thing done each day but some days I hardly manage to get off the sofa. I imagine the rest of my life sat in front of the tv. I don't like silence any more. I would have thought I was going mad too if I hadn't read so many similar experiences on this forum.

It had never before occurred to me that it was possible to cry for a whole year! I have moments of calm but hours of weeping. I do a lot of crossword puzzles, I've found they help me to focus. I want someone to cry with and the folks here are my substitute. I check in several times a day even if I don't post. I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't found this refuge.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, LMR said:

I don't like silence any more.

LMR:  The silence is deafening. I can't bear the thought of sitting in silence and being depressed the rest of my life. Already "been there, done that" and don't want to go through it again. It's become the story of my life...losing everything and being alone. Sure, when I move in with my brother and his family I won't be alone but with the way they are already treating me I may as well be alone. I feel like some island sitting out in the middle of nowhere in the ocean that is not even mapped. Like I don't exist anymore. I'm sure that through time things may change and even get better but I am feeling so deflated and worn out and sick from missing my husband that I am barely existing. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, LMR said:

I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't found this refuge.

I am thankful for this place and the others like it...a place where people can come together from all over the world and share their most intimate thoughts/feelings and know they're heard, all while people around say "how are you" and expect us to say, "fine."  How is it that those in our lives are so remote while we feel closest to those we've never met face to face?!

 

5 hours ago, tnd said:

Sure, when I move in with my brother and his family I won't be alone but with the way they are already treating me I may as well be alone.

The same way we can be in a crowd and be "alone."  It's different when we had our person...to each other we were one another's world.  The last I looked, I haven't had that since.

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

You are in the midst of so many life changes. It is overwhelming. 

I am so sorry that your brother and SIL are not  hearing you clearly. I really hope that when you are physically together they will better understand your situation.

I think the Uno comment was meant to be welcoming, they just don't have a clue about your grief. 

Try to focus on just what has to be done today.  The future (when you are living at your brother's) has too many possible scenarios right now.  When you are actually there, there will only be one reality to deal with, and you will be able to deal with it one day at a time. 

Hugs, 

Gail

 

[tnd]

I keep thinking about a close friend of the family who lived alone and how busy and well-liked and happy she was. She had lived a hard life raising 4 daughters on her own but that didn't seem to stop her from pursuing her dreams. She was loved by so many people, both young and old that her home was always filled with friends and family stopping in. Of course, we all loved her baked peach cobblers and apple pies but her attitude and cheerfulness rubbed off on everyone. We had the most fun just sitting at her table and talking. We all wanted to be around her. She made everything she did "an adventure" and a joy. As a young girl I totally admired her. I think of her a lot, especially now. She had an energy that made you want to do better. I wanted to be like her. Well, I certainly find myself drawing a little strength from remembering her. I also draw strength from the people on here. We might all be grieving and sad and even angry but somehow when people share their feelings and thoughts here, it gives me a little strength. Just like Maxine did.  

[John9]

LMR,

I can understand the way you feel as I am sure most of us can. When the Hospital called to tell me my wife died after they did all they could. I had to call my wife's Aunt came to watch MIL because they had airlifted my wife to another Hospital and I had to see her for closure because if I didn't it wasn't REAL. Everyday I know it is real, I DON'T want it to be but it is and I also have trouble with that. I still hope to "see" her when I do things that she was always there when I did, like when I would cut the grass and she would check on me or bring me a drink so I would stay hydrated. I know she isn't here or there and isn't coming home but I still look for the briefest moment like I always did. Everyday is like that and weekends are harder because of her work week (M-TH).

[LMR]

John9. I half expect to see my husband too. I can still remember the sound of his key in the door and how it would make my heart leap. After 48 years that is still the effect he had on me. Head over heels in love.

Yesterday I was feeling so exhausted and I was dozing a bit while sitting on the sofa. I got this picture in my head of him sitting on the sofa in his pajamas. I turned my head, smiling at him but he wasn't there. My heart broke over again.

[John9]

LMR,

I feel your "PAIN" and I know in my way what you are going through I only had 35 years but even 100 wouldn't be enough.

[LMR]

You are right, there will never be enough when you have true love.

[John9]

LMR,

She was my only LOVE(R) the FIRST and ONLY ONE.

[june483]

8 hours ago, LMR said:

Yesterday I was feeling so exhausted and I was dozing a bit while sitting on the sofa. I got this picture in my head of him sitting on the sofa in his pajamas. I turned my head, smiling at him but he wasn't there.

Did you feel his presence - even for just a moment??  Maybe he was there with you, you just couldn't see him long enough - just saying ........ it happens to me, and yes it hurts but for that one blissful second - OMG - it is worth the pain afterwards

[John9]

11 hours ago, june483 said:

Did you feel his presence - even for just a moment??  Maybe he was there with you, you just couldn't see him long enough - just saying ........ it happens to me, and yes it hurts but for that one blissful second - OMG - it is worth the pain afterwards

june483,

I have been "looking" and "listening" for signs since my wife died and I am not sure if I have had many but I too feel anything is worth the pain even for the briefest of moments. Sadly I am not able to remember any dreams when I wake up, so I am unsure if I am dreaming of her. I HOPE I am but if I don't remember them what "good" is it doing me. I keep holding out hope for some sort of visits to help me through all of this grief and pain which is why I WANT AND NEED to dream about her. I also WANT AND NEED to be with her whenever God allows that to happen too.

[june483]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I am not able to remember any dreams

I have had dreams my whole life that I can remember, even vivid dreams where I know I am dreaming and I can fly.  If you read up on dreams there have been books and articles written on how to teach people to remember their dreams.  There are exercises and tips to practice.  I have dreamt of my husband a few times.  I figure dreams make up a third of our lives, they are mentioned many times in the bible.  Perhaps they can be therapeutic.  I am working on trying to get better at it. Just another thing to fill up my time but perhaps......

[KayC]

22 hours ago, LMR said:

I half expect to see my husband too.

I'm kind of glad I got past that stage of expecting to hear his voice when the phone rang, expecting to hear his car drive in...it never did and so the expectation finally quit.  I'm not sure which is worse, adjusting to it so you no longer expect it or being let down every time with a rude awakening.  But the jolting realization that hit each time was hard to take.  

I wish I could dream of him, I don't, or if I do I don't remember, but then I have to take a sleeping pill just not to be sleep deprived.  

He knows I love him, that I miss him, that this journey is hard without him.  Heaven to me is when he holds me in his arms once again...

Dreams control
How To Control Your Dream (While You're Sleeping) | HuffPost

[John9]

june483,

My wife always told me about her flying dreams and the ones where spiders were everywhere, puppies and kittens too. I am not sure if she ever had any dreams about her Grandparents after they both died in 2007, if she did I don't remember her saying she did. All I know is she could and did remember hers and I am not sure if I am not because I am not sleeping "right" I wake up too many times during the night so maybe I'm not deep enough sleep. I just hope every night that I have one about her.

[LMR]

17 hours ago, june483 said:

Did you feel his presence - even for just a moment??  Maybe he was there with you, you just couldn't see him long enough - just saying ........ it happens to me, and yes it hurts but for that one blissful second - OMG - it is worth the pain afterwards

My husband will not show himself to me here. He will know that it will make it impossible for me to leave. I'm already afraid of leaving him behind.

I did get a warm fuzzy feeling from those few seconds. I would be happy for more.

[John9]

KayC,

I agree with you about HEAVEN being able to hold her again (FOREVER). I hope that she knows how much I miss her, how much I love her, and how hard this is without her here with me and also without her help with MIL even though I wouldn't want it to "ruin" her heaven. I don't think it would or could be heaven for me without her but knowing that one day we will be together would make it tolerable and sadly that is me now, tolerating all of this so we can be together again.

[LMR]

Heaven frightens me. Everything I read tells me I won't have that same relationship. Can I even hold him? Kiss? It seems like the runner up prize.  I want my life back.

[John9]

LMR,

I sure don't know whether Heaven is going to be what we had BUT I HATE this and if I can have that or this I will take that. I Really can't say anything to offset your fears because I don't know anyone who can be honest about something that nobody has been to and back. I'm not sure if this makes any sense how I'm saying it. Heaven is my goal at this moment in my life, if I am wrong it won't be the first time but it WILL be my last.

[John9]

LMR,

I have to add this, I also WANT what I HAD but I think that I have to accept that isn't realistic at least at this stage of my grief and life. To me Heaven would be to be able to pick up right where things were when she left the house to go to ER (minus the illness obviously). But I don't claim to even think to know what it MIGHT be like. I only know it is HELL here right now without her and that I don't want.

[LMR]

You're right. Those people who have had a NDE say it is beautiful. Of course nobody really knows but it is something for us to cling to. Hope is all we have, but it can be very powerful.

I was just ranting, letting off steam. At least I feel I can say such things here. We have to share the thoughts or we'd go crazy.

[John9]

LMR,

I know ranting, I know steam, I know nothing anymore because I don't dream. A little rhyme to make you feel better. But yes I do feel crazy sometimes and I have to cling to HOPE.

[tnd]

I haven't dreamt of my husband yet. I am wondering if it's because of all the stress and turmoil I am going through in addition to the grief. I think he would feel very badly that I am going through all this alone and how hard I am grieving him. I am certain he'd blame himself and I'd never want him to. Maybe I'm not letting him into my dreams right now until I feel stable or settled after I move. On the other hand, each day where I get something done I am hoping it would make him proud. I wish he'd give me a sign that he sees I am trying. I don't know....gets too hard to think about dreams without there being tears... 

[John9]

tnd,

As a person who doesn't know anything anymore I would say that your theory is probably correct for you. I may be over thinking the whole not dreaming thing, I may be only having dreams about my wife but as I said if I don't remember them then it feels as if I didn't. I agree with you about the trying to make "them" proud statement as I have actually "told" my wife sometimes I hope she is okay with what I am "doing" and I hope she is proud. Tears are not going to stop for me as the triggers are too many and too often, I cut the grass today again with the tractor and I can't do it without crying I actually texted my son and said "I cried the grass today" to tell him why I didn't answer him right away when he texted me. The only dream I remember having lately is one where I was drowning.

[tnd]

8 minutes ago, John9 said:

The only dream I remember having lately is one where I was drowning.

John9:  Drowning...in tears! But I have no doubt you are feeling overwhelmed with taking care of things at the house, the yard for instance. And you're also caring for a person (your MIL) who needs looking after. And you are doing all this under the weight and burden of grief. And who is taking care of YOU? You are! It might feel like you are barely holding up but you are. If you are doing the dog-paddle, you are keeping your head above the water. That's all you have to do right now. I've come to realize that there are no rules in this chapter of our lives. The chapter we call "grief". 

[John9]

tnd,

I was probably actually crying at the time of the dream and not breathing "correctly" because sometimes when it gets so bad crying I can't breathe. I actually thought I was drowning and woke up panicking (but sad I didn't drown) and yes I am barely keeping my head above water. Sadly there are rules BUT I am not allowed to see them just like God's plans for me.

[John9]

I was just trying to figure out my dream "issue" and I read that it might be STRESS related but I can't think of anything that would be stressing me out. My life is so perfect and calm it MUST be something else. I don't know how I am supposed to remove stress from my life when that is all there is NOW. It probably doesn't help me that I go to bed crying every night and the article said waking up too much can cause an issue too. So that's at least  two reasons that I might not be dreaming or remembering them.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

My life is so perfect and calm it MUST be something else.

John9:  I almost wanted to bang my head against the top of my desk reading that. But I know what you meant. When I'm stressed I tend to have nitemares or very weird dreams. There is one nitemare that has repeated itself over the years...the one where I am trying to take cover or outrun a tornado. Well yes, my life is spinning out of control. And I hardly sleep at all these days. My sleep is fragmented. I'm lucky to get 2 hours at a time. It's maddening and exhausting. And I feel no one except for people on here get it. 

[John9]

tnd,

I am so sorry that we all have any more issues than the grief of loss but we do. I sadly feel as if I am banging my head against a wall all the time and it takes all of my strength not to actually do it. I hate that I have thoughts like that and don't really want to but it's like if I do I might actually get some sleep but then I will have a headache afterward and I don't need that too.

[tnd]

John9:  Believe me, I have moments where I feel I could punch a hole in the wall. Mainly when my brother and SIL don't listen to me and forge ahead with adding more to my "To Do List". 

[John9]

tnd,

 I posted before that doing that never works for you or the wall. Hurts the hand and need to fix the wall.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, LMR said:

Heaven frightens me. Everything I read tells me I won't have that same relationship. Can I even hold him? Kiss? It seems like the runner up prize.  I want my life back.

I do trust God and believe whatever it is it will be wonderful.  And we will be together again, how that will look I don't know but I believe we can hold each other and we will be happy with whatever is availed to us.  Him holding me IS heaven!  It's been so long...

Sometimes I wonder if our missing them is one sided because time doesn't exist any more for them, not like it did here.  

I've had two NDEs, yes enough to know it will be wonderful and nothing to be afraid of.  The only  reason I try so hard to take care of myself here and live so long is #1 if I have to be here, I'd prefer quality of life over what could be if I didn't, and #2 I want to be here to take care of my puppy, I do not want him rehomed and heart broken or uncared for.  He's gotten me through so much, I owe him that, he's a sweetie.

[John9]

KayC,

 I want to believe in Heaven and that I will be reunited with my wife and it will be what we had. If that isn't what happens then to me it won't be Heaven. I am not sure about the missing part but if time in Heaven is not the same then MAYBE they won't have time to miss US. PAIN and SUFFERING here is LONG, NO TIME passing for them (I Don't know) ALL I DO KNOW is the time since my wife died is 131 DAYS that seem LIKE YEARS. I don't honestly know how you and others are able to handle it because it is pure torture for me. I understand what you said about quality of life and your puppy and that is the reason I didn't even want my wife to get any new animals even without knowing she was "sick" because it is a lifetime commitment and not good if they are rehomed.

[Gail 8588]

5 hours ago, John9 said:

. . . I don't honestly know how you and others are able to handle it because it is pure torture for me.  . . .

John9, 

Living without my love did seem like torture for a long time.  It doesn't feel like torture now, but there is no question that my life with John was better in every way than my life is without him. 

I think it no longer feels like torture because I no longer compare my days to what they would have been with John.   I have lived 1602 days without my love.  Now I compare my today with my yesterday, both of which have no John in them. 

Today is not as rainy as yesterday, so I have been able to be out in my yard more. It's been a pretty good day compared to yesterday. 

You are still in your first year.  I don't think it is possible to make that mental shift so early in your grief.  Just know that it won't always feel like torture.  

Gail

[John9]

Gail 8588,

I am "glad" you are able to make it through the days, I have said as others have that GRIEF is and always will be personal BUT at this stage I believe that it will feel like this until I DIE. I may be wrong and I will admit it, if and when it happens but that is how I feel at this stage. If I make it to the timeframe of where you are I will be surprised.

[Gail 8588]

1 minute ago, John9 said:

. . .I believe that it will feel like this until I DIE. 

John9, 

I totally understand that feeling.  I was 100% convinced that my life could not get better, because he was not ever going to come back and be with me.  Being with him was the only thing I wanted. The only thing I needed. The only thing that would make me whole. 

There was no way I could ever be whole, because he was never coming back. 

I was/am a logical person and the logic of it was irrefutable. 

That was the torture of it. My life was doomed to be day after day of agony until I died. 

I can't explain how or why it changed, but my days are not filled with the agony of that terrible pain any more.  

I recognize that my life was happier, more content and secure, more filled with love when my sweetheart was with me. So there is a sadness and longing that still exists, but it is not the torture of those early years.  My automatic default comparison of my today is with my yesterday.  So my good days and bad days fluctuate in a more tolerable range. 

Gail  

[LMR]

John9. I too feel like this will be me until I die. Crying every morning and every night and some days all day long. I have coping mechanisms but it just feels like my firewall comes down and I become incapable of any kind of thought. So I can function as a zombie but not as me.

 I have so much to do now that I am packing up but I am so exhausted. I don't know if it's because my brain doesn't want me to let go and it's giving me excuses not to. 

I think that maybe you don't dream because you are so exhausted. 

[John9]

Gail 8588,

 I can only HOPE if I have to be here I could get to your stage. I too also compare today to the days before (not just before her death) and as I said it is SSDD they are all bad to me. Mostly bad, some worse and some are really crappy and things with MIL don't always make do any better days. All of the things I am dealing with in addition to the GRIEF for my wife is more than likely not making it any "easier" to get to a different stage but this is ME right now.

 

 

 

LMR,

I just don't know what the future holds and most of my focus is MIL and as I have said "when" she dies I will probably just collapse from total "exhaustion" or whatever clinical issue it will be when I "don't" have to do anything for anybody and I have been doing that for 12 years and of course GRIEVING for the person who should be here with me through the other stuff with MIL.

[AnnRA]

Gail — Thank you so very much for your words of encouragement. Keep saying that.  It is helping me get through today. /Ann 

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

Sometimes I wonder if our missing them is one sided because time doesn't exist any more for them, not like it did here.  

KayC:  That's what my husband said. That in Heaven we don't feel any sadness or pain or feelings of wanting...we are at peace, happy and content. We are fulfilled. So while I can rest a little easier knowing my husband now has that, I pray I will too when my own time comes. And if so, I am sure we will be rejoined in some way or another and in whichever way that we are rejoined, it will make us feel content. 

 

9 hours ago, KayC said:

The only  reason I try so hard to take care of myself here and live so long is #1 if I have to be here, I'd prefer quality of life over what could be if I didn't, and #2 I want to be here to take care of my puppy,

KayC:  You have a very positive and giving attitude. I can only hope it's infectious. I know it's already helped me (thanks). 

[John9]

tnd,

I hope that what your husband said is true because I sure don't want my wife to suffer because it wouldn't really be Heaven would it. I just know that it is Hell for me here without her and I hope to be reunited with her and hopefully have what we had. I posted somewhere about of course if and when I get to Heaven it would all be based on whether she still wanted to be with me. I don't even pretend to KNOW anything about Heaven but I just HOPE for the vision that I have.

[KayC]

5,876 days for me...

[KayC]

And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4