Me again

[BBB]

I have another question for you that is directed more towards those of you who are still in a lot of pain, have not quite gotten better. If there is such a thing. Ok, for starters, you need to have seen the movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Those of you who have seen it have an advantage as you know what the move is about. However, I will briefly explain the movie premise. It is about a couple who falls in love and then things sort of go sideways. They get into a fight and the woman decided to go this place that can erase her entire memory of her boyfriend and she does so. The boyfriend finds out and he then goes to the same place to get his memory erased of her. Then during the process, he changed his mind.

It's an interesting and provocative question to think about for those of us who hurt so badly and deeply. Is the hurt you are experiencing so bad that you would choose to have the memory of your beloved erased so that you were no longer pining for the person you cherished so dearly OR would you want to keep the memory as well as the pain?

[june483]

I don't want to forget even one single minute we spent together.  I cling to those memories as my lifeline.  If I didn't have them I think I would be a blank piece of flimsy paper.  

[foreverhis]

Though my grief is evolving into a weight I can carry, rather than being the crushing burden it was at first, it will always be with me.  Some days it seems like just yesterday that we were here together.  Some days are still pretty awful as the waves of grief come crashing over me.

Looking back to how I was in the first year or more and then considering how I feel now, I would not give up one second of the good years we had together.  I would not choose to forget any of it, not even those last devastating months of his cancer fight because we were together and because there were good times mixed right in.  The only thing I would change would be to ask him much sooner if he was ready to go home and be at peace.  He kept fighting longer and harder than I should have asked.  And I would keep even those last moments of his life with me by his side because those are my memories to bear, mine and mine alone, and they are part of the whole.

[DMB]

I'll keep the memory and the pain.  Today is his birthday and I'm going to get a hair cut.  Doing well today.  I hope your pain gets better BBB.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I would not give up one second of the good years we had together.  I would not choose to forget any of it

Me also.

25 minutes ago, DMB said:

Today is his birthday

DMB, those are hard for me because I wish so much I could celebrate with him.  A friend of mine (who lost his wife six years ago) sang happy birthday to her on her birthday.  I love that idea!  Wishes for today to be positive for you in some way.  

11 hours ago, june483 said:

I don't want to forget even one single minute we spent together.  I cling to those memories as my lifeline.  If I didn't have them I think I would be a blank piece of flimsy paper.  

Me too.

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, BBB said:

Is the hurt you are experiencing so bad that you would choose to have the memory of your beloved erased so that you were no longer pining for the person you cherished

I remember a movie about this very thing years ago (I don't remember what it was called), I could never wish that!  They were the happiest years of my life!  He made an indelible mark on me and I carry with me the things I learned from him, as well as his immense love...to wish otherwise would be to have never known love.

[LMR]

As agonizing as my days often are I would never give up those memories, in fact I am afraid of them fading.

He was my whole life, if you take those memories away there would be nothing left.

[Sparky1]

Even though my life has been devastated with the loss of my wife, I would never even think of erasing my memories. To me it seems like the person that did it in the movie never really loved her partner. We grieve because we loved and still love our partner, we long for them, how could anyone want to forget their soulmate?

The memories I have are all I have left, and sometimes they are comforting and sometimes they cause me to break down, knowing how much I miss her.

[tnd]

2 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

The memories I have are all I have left, and sometimes they are comforting and sometimes they cause me to break down, knowing how much I miss her.

Sparky1:  I don't need a lot of years to pass by to know how I'd feel. I am very fortunate to have married my husband and had the time we had together. Thank goodness for our memories! I will be laughing and crying for the rest of my life. 

[Magda]

I've seen this movie a number of times. One of my favorites. I feel it's more of a breakup thing, where things don't work out well. Ive had plenty  of those. This, losing someone you had a future with still, losing them to death, this is a whole different monster.

[widower2]

On 6/30/2021 at 9:38 PM, BBB said:

Is the hurt you are experiencing so bad that you would choose to have the memory of your beloved erased so that you were no longer pining for the person you cherished so dearly OR would you want to keep the memory as well as the pain?

As you can see, I think almost everyone would say it's an easy and frankly silly question: "keep the memory" is the answer, if only because erasing the memory would be like erasing them, as well as a huge part of our lives, and that is unthinkable at any cost. 

[Gail 8588]

I would never erase my memory of my love.

[foreverhis]

2 minutes ago, Magda said:

This, losing someone you had a future with still, losing them to death, this is a whole different monster.

It is and I am so sorry that you find yourself here with us.  It's especially hard to hear and so unfair when it happens to couples who are so young.  Though there are no comparisons and one loss is not worse than another, my heart simply breaks for you and others who had a whole life ahead of you taken away.

You're absolutely right that nothing is worse than losing the loves of our lives.  I remember a while back that a new member came to this forum because she had lost her husband and just about everything that mattered to her.  Then she said it was divorce, not death.  She followed that up with something like, "Honestly, it's so much worse for me.  Divorce is so much harder than death."  Well, you can imagine how that went over with the members here.  One of our long-time members was a lot nicer than I would have been in refuting that strongly.  She pointed out that with divorce or separation there's always a chance for reconciliation or at least, resolution. 

It definitely is absolutely the worst thing that ever happened to most of us.

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

As you can see, I think almost everyone would say it's an easy and frankly silly question

Though it's clear that those of us who have answered do agree that we would never let go of our memories, both wonderful and devastating, I don't think it's a silly question.  I can't help but wonder if some people who remain in the dark pit for years, including some members here, would choose to not have those memories.  I don't think we can assume that everyone would answer as we have.

[BBB]

Thanks forever. To say that it is a silly question is pretty discounting. It's just a question, there is no right or wrong answer. Hence, a question and topic for discussion. 

[LMR]

Not a silly question at all. It illustrates how our brains will try to find a way out of this agony, sifting through possible scenarios. That one had not occurred to me, for all the pain I am going through now I still love him so much and I don't want that to change. I am already crying this morning. Another day of saying 'this can't be true".

[annie123]

My husband was/is  the best thing that ever happened to me.  He was a gift in my life for 45 years. I could never forget this gift of time I had with him.  He truly was my rock.  The person I loved and trusted most in the world.   I love country music, Garth Brooks.  His song The Dance,  says it all for me.....Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared..... I could have missed the pain...but I would have ,had to miss the dance.....So, I take the pain and work thru it somehow..  Day by day.

[KayC]

And yet I've heard one person on another grief forum answer differently...I could never...

[BBB]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

And yet I've heard one person on another grief forum answer differently...I could never...

That's why we're all different.

[widower2]

21 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I don't think it's a silly question.  I can't help but wonder if some people who remain in the dark pit for years, including some members here, would choose to not have those memories.  I don't think we can assume that everyone would answer as we have.

"Silly question" was a poor choice or words, pardon. Didn't mean that to sound as criticizing. I just meant that most would consider it incomprehensible to give up those memories, even if it meant avoiding the pain. 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

most would consider it incomprehensible to give up those memories, even if it meant avoiding the pain.

I think most of us agree with this.  I, for one, would never want to miss any memories with him, not even the difficult ones as they were all part of our shared journey.  I know he loved me more than anyone ever did and that was at the root of his being...I could not, would not, want to erase any of that.

[tnd]

On 6/30/2021 at 8:38 PM, BBB said:

Is the hurt you are experiencing so bad that you would choose to have the memory of your beloved erased so that you were no longer pining for the person you cherished so dearly OR would you want to keep the memory as well as the pain?

I've been thinking about this question and I'm conflicted. I am grateful for the memories I have of my husband. He made me so happy and we had a happy life, even when we didn't! I would not want any of that erased. On the other hand, if an erasure of such could be done and it would be as if I never met him, that might be different. If he had never existed in my life then I guess I'd be spared the grief and pain I have right now. However, much of who I am today is because of my husband. He was a good, God-fearing man, looked out for people and especially for me and he never had a bad word to say about anybody. He taught me so much and gave so much of himself to me. I learned a heck of a lot from that man and he made me a better person. His favorite Christmas movie was "It's A Wonderful Life". Go figure. It was about a man being shown by an angel what life would have been like for his family and friends if he had never been born. I am so glad my husband existed in my life. 

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, widower2 said:

"Silly question" was a poor choice or words, pardon. Didn't mean that to sound as criticizing. I just meant that most would consider it incomprehensible to give up those memories, even if it meant avoiding the pain. 

I agree with you 100% about that.  It would be interesting to know what the percentages might be.

[Beau]

So far, the only way I can function and complete simple tasks is to force myself to put Annemarie out of my mind for minutes at a time. I've said it outloud "I love you so much I have to stop thinking about you". 

It's not the same as wanting to forget her or actually forgetting her, but every time I need to do something it's like holding my breath before going under water for hours on. I cannot talk about her, look at her things, say her name, let anything come to mind that will trigger memories or moments.

I've learned in two months to basically shut down everything that is not-essential to function. It's not a choice so much as it's the last resource. If I don't do that for however long I need to, I could collapse on the ground and never get up again. 

[jwahlquist]

I wouldn’t change a thing.  I wouldn’t be me, if I hadn’t been married to Ryan.  We had been together for 23 years.  I had just turned 20 when we got married.  Almost my entire adult life and the essential parts of my personality were formed while married to him.  I have had a hard time finding “me” after he died.  It has been scary but I wouldn’t give up even one moment of our time together even knowing the pain I have had to face.  

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It would be interesting to know what the percentages might be.

From being on forums for 16 years daily, I would venture to say upper 90s%

[tnd]

17 hours ago, Beau said:

So far, the only way I can function and complete simple tasks is to force myself to put Annemarie out of my mind for minutes at a time. I've said it outloud "I love you so much I have to stop thinking about you". 

Beau:  I haven't said it out loud to myself but in my mind this is sort of what I've been doing. If I have to do something then I try to avoid the crying and sad thoughts. But I get back to it and cry later. And the thoughts make me ache. 

[Gail 8588]

22 hours ago, Beau said:

I've learned in two months to basically shut down everything that is not-essential to function. . . .

Beau, 

In line with the "one day at a time" mantra, my description of "focus on just what you have to do today" is right in line with your practice.

If we focus on just what must be done today, we can get through today. Don't think about the future or past, just what has to be done today.

I agree with you, this is not the same as forgetting them. We just have to contain their memory/our grief for a period of time to do what has to be done today. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to function at all.

Gail

 

[LMR]

On 6/30/2021 at 6:38 PM, BBB said:

Is the hurt you are experiencing so bad that you would choose to have the memory of your beloved erased so that you were no longer pining for the person you cherished so dearly OR would you want to keep the memory as well as the pain?

I have just been watching a documentary about Garth Brooks. One of his hits "the dance", has the line:

I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance.

X

[KayC]

9 hours ago, LMR said:

I have just been watching a documentary about Garth Brooks. One of his hits "the dance", has the line:

I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance.

 

Perfect!

[foreverhis]

20 hours ago, LMR said:

I have just been watching a documentary about Garth Brooks. One of his hits "the dance", has the line:

I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance.

X

I mentioned that to a friend recently.  She told me that she loves Garth Brooks' music, but for some reason didn't remember that one.  I immediately went to YouTube and found a recording of it to link to her.  She cried because her wonderful husband, also a good friend, is alive, but they experienced loss of a child.  I haven't lost a child and as much as I shouldn't put a hierarchy on grief/loss, I believe that losing a soulmate and losing a child are the hardest.

In one of Nora McInerny's TED Talks she says something about how the last memory she has of her husband, right after he died, will always hurt and always make her cry, just like the memory of meeting him will always make her laugh.  Even knowing that I'd be where I am now, I would still have jumped in with my whole heart.  John was worth every risk.

[KayC]

 

[KayC]

I was amazed to get a response back from Garth when I commented about posting this on my grief forum.  It was so sweet of him!

[annie123]

On 7/2/2021 at 1:13 PM, annie123 said:

My husband was/is  the best thing that ever happened to me.  He was a gift in my life for 45 years. I could never forget this gift of time I had with him.  He truly was my rock.  The person I loved and trusted most in the world.   I love country music, Garth Brooks.  His song The Dance,  says it all for me.....Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared..... I could have missed the pain...but I would have ,had to miss the dance.....So, I take the pain and work thru it somehow..  Day by day.

Love this song, it has so much meaning