Misery loves company...and shame on me

[widower2]

This is something I think has been lurking all along but only recently did I really realize or face it...there have been times when I heard something bad had happened to someone, even someone I know, and while of course I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I realized there was a part of me that got some kind of sick comfort in that. Great, as if I need more reason to hate myself. "Misery loves company" is human nature, but that doesn't excuse it IMO. And I don't want to feel that way or try to, but I when it hit me and I was honest with myself, I saw it there...more or less a subconscious thing, again not something I actively try or want to feel. I guess grief has at least made part of me very selfish. Has anyone else had these moments? 

 

 

[tnd]

I don't know if it's the same thing but lately if I read or see a couple happy together I think to myself and say "If they only knew the pain they are going to feel when one of them dies before the other". And then I've caught myself wondering if I should ever tell a young person to spare themselves the grief and never fall in-love with anyone. Wowzer! Is that ever negative or what?! Guess I'm not right in the head these days. But no, you aren't the only one with dark thoughts, widower2. Good thing you came on here to talk about it. I think that is healthy. 

[KayC]

I think it's not because we're bad people or wish bad on anyone but we want to be understood and we also see the unfairness of how life doles things out.

[Darlene13]

I understand what you mean.  Although I would never wish it on my worst enemy, I catch myself thinking, "Now you know how it feels. It sucks, doesn't it?"  It's a terrible thought, and I think it must come from feeling so alone on this journey.   

When friends of mine who are married tell me about things they laugh about with their husbands, I think, "You better enjoy it while you can.  Savor each moment because one of you will find themselves alone one day and you'll miss with your whole being this time you had with your spouse but it will be gone."  I never say it aloud, of course, but I find myself thinking it.  It's a gloomy frame of mind, for sure.

[Yoli]

Absolutely had these same feelings/thoughts. Misery does love company and in this case I am Misery. I do wonder if somehow in my muddled brain I think it would give me another human connection, a bond with someone since we have lost our most precious connection and bond - if that makes sense.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, Yoli said:

I do wonder if somehow in my muddled brain I think it would give me another human connection, a bond with someone since we have lost our most precious connection and bond - if that makes sense.

Yoli:  I think the fact you are grieving, it makes sense that you don't want to be alone in it. Almost like needing a "grieving partner" because "it takes one to know one" type of thing. Someone who you think could truly relate to what you are going through. I know I feel that way right now. Except for when I come on here. Then I feel all these new online friends I have really are friends...because they can relate. Would be even harder if I hadn't found all these people on here. It helps. 

[widower2]

On 6/30/2021 at 12:58 PM, Darlene13 said:

Although I would never wish it on my worst enemy, I catch myself thinking, "Now you know how it feels. It sucks, doesn't it?" 

Yes, exactly. There's this terrible part of me that almost WANTS that. Not because I wish it on anyone, but because I want someone to "get it," to understand, to appreciate the hell I've gone through. To not feel so off on a remote island, so to speak....

[Gail 8588]

I think this is a very common human trait that crops up in lots of human experiences.

I have been watching the Atlanta Hawks in the NBA playoffs and  in game 3 against the Bucks the Hawks star player was injured and had to leave the game. In game 4, the Hawks star still couldn't play.  In the 4th quarter, the Bucks star player got injured and my horrible reaction was 'good, now it's evened up'. 

I feel really bad even writing this.  I didn't really want their player to be hurt. He is an incredible young man and terrific athlete. His hyperextended knee was an excruciatingly painful injury.  I wouldn't want that for anyone.  

I know this isn't exactly the same, but its sort of the same human flaw. That for a moment we think, our team has suffered the loss of our member, it balances out now that your team member is hurt too. 

Anyway, I feel really bad about having that initial reaction.  But I think it's not that uncommon. 

Gail

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

To not feel so off on a remote island, so to speak....

I recently started seeing some friends after a year of covid and what surprised me is that their life is not changed at all...instead my life was completely shattered 3 years ago, and i still struggle to recover! Apparently there's nothing bad in that surprise...but in the subconscious i think there's a need to be not alone in that remote island!

[AnnRA]

Kia ora Yoli — That idea of a human connection is why I actually keep wishing my husband’s FAMILY would have an experience like mine.  After all, they lost their brother/father/uncle in my husband but they definitely have not had their lives shattered and mostly seem to be going on as normal.   Somehow, in my muddled brain, I am the only one of them on this remote island, and I thought they would be there with me!     

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, widower2 said:

Yes, exactly. There's this terrible part of me that almost WANTS that. Not because I wish it on anyone, but because I want someone to "get it," to understand, to appreciate the hell I've gone through. To not feel so off on a remote island, so to speak....

That definitely plays into it for me.  I have thought several times over these past 18 months variations of, "Well, if only one good thing comes out of this, maybe it will be that our society will start acknowledging and understanding the kind of grief I live with every damn day!"  It's not that I want anyone to die.  Of course not.  But because so many people did, the possibility of a silver lining that would help me has been lurking in mind for quite some time.

I was reading an article about people grieving the loss of someone they love to COVID and thought, "Well, welcome to my world!"  Then I chastised myself for it--right up until I decided that my feelings are valid, as always.  Someone interviewed said something like, "I don't think anyone realizes how hard this is."  Well, um, yes we do, but you and people like you were so uncomfortable and in such denial that you didn't, wouldn't, or couldn't see our pain.  Unfortunately, we know that this specific loss in particular can't fully be understood by anyone who hasn't been through it.

The other thing for me and that watching Nora McInerny's second TED Talk helped me realize is common is when I see a really elderly couple who are clearly older than John (71) and I (60) were when I lost him.  When I see them holding hands, helping each other, smiling over some little private thing, I feel a stab of jealously and probably always will.  It's not that I don't want them to have that; it's that I want it for John and me too.  We deserved those years and the unfairness of it upsets me, though not as much as at first.

Grief is full of those kinds of emotional landmines.

[Yoli]

3 hours ago, AnnRA said:

That idea of a human connection is why I actually keep wishing my husband’s FAMILY would have an experience like mine.  After all, they lost their brother/father/uncle in my husband but they definitely have not had their lives shattered and mostly seem to be going on as normal.   Somehow, in my muddled brain, I am the only one of them on this remote island, and I thought they would be there with me!     

Hi Ann, I do indeed also feel like I have been on an island alone with my grief. I know no one grieved/grieves for Indy on the level that I do and that I was just left to it for the majority of time. I wanted someone, anyone to be rolling around in the dirt with me. People move right on with whatever is happening in their lives and we learn just where we stand in the pecking order.

Maybe when it is their turn to have their world shattered, destroyed and obliterated they will reflect on their own actions. Maybe.

 

 

[Yoli]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

We deserved those years and the unfairness of it upsets me, 

We earned those years, we deserved those years, why couldn't we just have those years. I now hope I don't live to a 'ripe old age'. What's the point. At least for now I have work to occupy me but retirement....endless days of being alone, no thanks.

[KayC]

I hear you, I retired...alone.  I'm growing old alone, with all the hardships that come with it and no support.  

[tnd]

18 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Anyway, I feel really bad about having that initial reaction.  But I think it's not that uncommon. 

Gail8588:  My husband's parents and his sister are particularly self-centered rude people. I would tell my husband that someday they may find themselves living with some difficulties of their own and that maybe THEN they would understand the hell we were going through (at the time). I prayed to God for forgiveness saying that, I really hated that I did. But I think when you are going through a difficult and painful time we do say things (or think things) we normally wouldn't. Losing a loved one is not normal. I know it happens every day to people but it is not our own definition of a "normal day". 

I also tend to believe in "what comes around, goes around". I know it may seem a little off topic but I have witnessed many times people who have been cold and mean to others end up facing their own terrible difficulty -or loss of a loved one. Or they themselves end up dying a tragic death. I don't even have to wish it. When someone is hurtful to me I think "uh oh", they just hurt themselves.  

[tnd]

17 hours ago, AnnRA said:

I actually keep wishing my husband’s FAMILY would have an experience like mine.

AnnRA:  I am going through the same thing. 

[AnnRA]

tnd — I think what hurts the most about family is that they, of all people, I thought would SHARE my sorrow about this same wonderful person that we all lost and fully understand MY loss.  I know they loved him, but I thought they would share that bond with me.  It is like I do not even exist anymore for them.....

[june483]

Jealousy is human nature that we all share but dismiss those thoughts and don't dwell on them.  After my husband lost his ability to walk I used to look at people and know that they probably did not appreciate their ability to walk.  You don't know what you got till it's gone. Which also brings to mind dozens of songs that lecture to us:  don't you dare fall in love, it will end in heartbreak.  But this too we don't tell people because, life is short and you gotta reach for the stars like we all did, and suffer the lumps when you fall.  I am jealous of all the older couples that actually made it to retirement.  Somehow I always knew it would be too good to be true.

Lately I have the strong feeling like I just was with my husband yesterday, even though it's been over a year.  Maybe it's the summer kicking in.  Change of seasons messing with my brain.

[tnd]

45 minutes ago, AnnRA said:

I think what hurts the most about family is that they, of all people, I thought would SHARE my sorrow

AnnRA:  When my husband was in the hospital ICU, his father left me a message all upset that my husband wasn't answering the cell phone he sent him and that if he wasn't going to use it, then he would stop paying for it. Never mind that his father, just like the rest of the family, were told that my husband was very ill and in the ICU. In fact, at that point he had been in the hospital several months. Everybody knew that. But no, his father's concern was with that darn blasted cell phone. And then after he passed, his father told me that he knew a couple months back that my husband was probably not going to make it so said his goodbyes then. IMO, that man is wicked. Well, his wife (not my husband's mother) has cancer. I wonder how is going to feel or what he is going to do if she dies soon and before he does. I don't think I need to tell you my thoughts...

25 minutes ago, june483 said:

Lately I have the strong feeling like I just was with my husband yesterday, even though it's been over a year.

june483:  You mean you felt his presence? Or was feeling something you had always felt before his passing but then realized you were in the current time and without him?   

[widower2]

Just want to thank you all for your comments and thoughts. I feel a little less hateful. Not exactly up for sainthood yet. 

[KayC]

 

12 hours ago, AnnRA said:

It is like I do not even exist anymore for them....

I am so sorry.  Family can suck sometimes.  

 

12 hours ago, tnd said:

his father's concern was with that darn blasted cell phone.

My husband's father didn't even bother attending his funeral!  Even though he'd been offered rides and it's only two hours away.  George made the trip to see HIM many many times!  His dad didn't make contact until a year later when he called badmouthing him...I reminded him how wonderful George had been to him (not mentioning what a rotten father he'd been!) and told him to call back when he had something nice to say about him and hung up.  He never called again, a few years later I found out he died, the family had never let me know.  George was one of the few who cared about him.  I don't get people.  Not at all.

 

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

I feel a little less hateful. Not exactly up for sainthood yet. 

  I doubt any of us are!

[tnd]

16 hours ago, widower2 said:

I feel a little less hateful. Not exactly up for sainthood yet. 

widower2:  And that's just...I don't like feeling hatred towards anyone. I doubt you do, either. It's negative and weighs me down and right now, I am down enough. Mainly due to my illness and my husband's, all this past year I've tried to strive towards having some sort of positivity in my life. His parents were always so rude to him and to me as well. I had finally told my husband that I was starting to have a real hatred for them but that I didn't want to because I felt it wasn't healthy and not good to have that in me. And then when his dad said what he said after my husband passed, it kind of knocked me right back to feeling that hate again. But that was nothing...my husband's sister left me a couple of very foul-mouthed voicemails blaming me for my husband having to be in the hospital because "I did not take proper care of him". And she even went on to say that if he died she would blame me. Gotta admit, it is VERY hard not to hate HER. But like I said, I don't want any form of "hate" to be part of my life. No matter how miserable I am. But I do wish I could have more patience and understanding from people. I hope all of us can have that. 

[tnd]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

He never called again, a few years later I found out he died, the family had never let me know. 

KayC:  What about now? If you don't mind me asking...does any of his family ever call you? My husband's want me to stay in-touch after I move but I really do not want to. Or should I, just to be able to live with myself or do you think I could just leave them in the past and not be bothered by it? What did you do?   

[june483]

On 7/2/2021 at 9:00 PM, tnd said:

 

june483:  You mean you felt his presence? Or was feeling something you had always felt before his passing but then realized you were in the current time and without him?   

I looked at a close up of his face in a picture, it was like he was looking right at me.  For a quick moment I got that warm comfortable feeling like I was safe and all was well.  Then I realized, and remembered how its been so long since I felt comfortable like that in my skin

[KayC]

18 hours ago, tnd said:

KayC:  What about now? If you don't mind me asking...does any of his family ever call you? My husband's want me to stay in-touch after I move but I really do not want to. Or should I, just to be able to live with myself or do you think I could just leave them in the past and not be bothered by it? What did you do?   

I NEVER hear from them apart from his daughter.  I was surprised to get a graduation notice from his granddaughter this year.  He never got to meet her but at least he knew he was a grandpa, which made him very happy.  They live in TN and I'm in OR so not likely I'll ever get to meet them.  I never get phone calls but see them on FB, that's about it.  I send Christmas cards except this year with my hand injuries I wasn't able to.

[tnd]

17 hours ago, june483 said:

Then I realized, and remembered how its been so long since I felt comfortable like that in my skin

june483:  I do that too with a picture of my husband. If for a moment, it helps me. Sounds like you need to keep that picture of your own husband close by. I feel like I am being forced into finding what comforts me and what doesn't. If something makes me cry I avoid it. At least until I think I'm stronger. But not right now. Maybe much later down the road. 

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I NEVER hear from them apart from his daughter.  I was surprised to get a graduation notice from his granddaughter this year.  He never got to meet her but at least he knew he was a grandpa, which made him very happy.

KayC:  I guess this is something you can tell George about (if not already) in your thoughts and prayers or any little conversations you may share with him. I don't plan on staying in-touch (at least not long term) with my husband's family but it's not like they would care if I did. His brother rarely returned his calls and sister is pretty wicked and his parents and their spouses are not nice either. My husband said that is why he took a job transfer to another state...to be away from them. I don't think he'd expect to keep in-touch with them. However, when he was in the hospital, I told him that I called them every day to give them updates (and I did). He was surprised by that but I told him not to worry about it if he couldn't call them himself. I also told him that his family and I had "buried the proverbial hatchet" and were talking again. I wanted to sound positive in effort to bolster his recovery. He didn't need to know that I still disliked them. 

[foreverhis]

23 hours ago, june483 said:

I looked at a close up of his face in a picture, it was like he was looking right at me.

There are certain pictures of John where I could swear he's "there" and looking back at me smiling.  It's both comforting and eerie.  Sometimes I look at them just so I can feel like he's still here.

[june483]

On 7/3/2021 at 4:32 PM, tnd said:

do you think I could just leave them in the past and not be bothered by it

My husband has a toxic brother.  I will keep in touch with Christmas cards and perhaps see him at the yearly anniversary mass for the parents.  Other than that, they can reach out if they want to.  You can always make one call yearly perhaps at Christmas or at the anniversary, that counts as keeping in touch.  

[tnd]

11 hours ago, june483 said:

You can always make one call yearly perhaps at Christmas or at the anniversary, that counts as keeping in touch. 

june483:  That's probably all I'd do. Or all I'd want to do. My first excuse could be that I couldn't call because I don't have a cell phone and there's no land line at my brother's. These people are so cold that I doubt they will miss hearing from me anyway. Our phone calls became fewer and fewer in recent years. Now, if my husband had the type of family that was loving and kind to us and to each other as well (because they aren't), that would be a different story. But like you, I don't do "toxic".   

[widower2]

On 7/3/2021 at 4:28 PM, tnd said:

widower2:  And that's just...I don't like feeling hatred towards anyone. I doubt you do, either. It's negative and weighs me down and right now, I am down enough. Mainly due to my illness and my husband's, all this past year I've tried to strive towards having some sort of positivity in my life. His parents were always so rude to him and to me as well. I had finally told my husband that I was starting to have a real hatred for them but that I didn't want to because I felt it wasn't healthy and not good to have that in me. And then when his dad said what he said after my husband passed, it kind of knocked me right back to feeling that hate again. But that was nothing...my husband's sister left me a couple of very foul-mouthed voicemails blaming me for my husband having to be in the hospital because "I did not take proper care of him". And she even went on to say that if he died she would blame me. Gotta admit, it is VERY hard not to hate HER. But like I said, I don't want any form of "hate" to be part of my life. No matter how miserable I am. But I do wish I could have more patience and understanding from people. I hope all of us can have that. 

Well I can tell you I never have or will meet your husband's parents or sister and they've had no impact on my life, but yeah, I can safely say I hate them. I'd quite enjoy ripping them a new one. And I feel zero shame in that. I don't think "hate" is always or necessarily a bad evil thing; the devil's in the details. For someone to so...not just insensitive but purposefully hurtful, esp to someone hurting so badly already...is cruel, selfish, and just plain asinine in the extreme. So yeah, I'm all over hating that. My beloved's daughters were the same and worse, believe it or not. They treated everyone around them, including her, like dirt in ways you would not believe. Hate isn't a strong enough word. Mind you despite that I wish them no ill will, but if I heard something bad happened to them, it wouldn't bother me in the tiniest. Tolerance, patience, understanding.....they, like anything else, are a balancing act. Too much is no better than too little. And really, what is there to "understand?" I understand that they are POSs. I have zero patience with that, esp in times like this. It is my sincere hope that everyone feels the same, though I know they don't. 

 

On 7/3/2021 at 4:32 PM, tnd said:

KayC:  What about now? If you don't mind me asking...does any of his family ever call you? My husband's want me to stay in-touch after I move but I really do not want to. Or should I, just to be able to live with myself or do you think I could just leave them in the past and not be bothered by it? What did you do?   

Wait......WHAT? After all that they want you to stay in touch? Are they insane?

[widower2]

  

On 7/4/2021 at 5:27 PM, tnd said:

june483:  I do that too with a picture of my husband. If for a moment, it helps me. Sounds like you need to keep that picture of your own husband close by. I feel like I am being forced into finding what comforts me and what doesn't. If something makes me cry I avoid it. At least until I think I'm stronger. But not right now. Maybe much later down the road. 

Totally understandable, I was similar. I couldn't even look at a picture of my beloved for quite some time, it was too hard. Now a picture of us graces my desk. We have to sort things out in our own way and time.

[tnd]

58 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Wait......WHAT? After all that they want you to stay in touch? Are they insane?

widower2:  YES, if you can believe that! One of them kept saying "we hold no grudges". I felt like saying, "Pardon ME but if there is anything to be said about grudges, it should be me saying it!". Yup. They spoke as if they were innocent of any nastiness. His family is very weird. I felt bad for him but he just kept telling me that is why he took a job transfer to another state. And thank goodness he did because we otherwise probably wouldn't have ever met. As for his sister, the really evil one, I told my husband's mother that it sounded like she is either on drugs or drinking or has some sort of mental problem going on. I told her I was being serious about that and not saying it just out of anger. His mother's response? "Oh, she just has a different way of expressing herself". Wow-wee! I'll say! Anyways, I want nothing to do with them or their toxicity. My poor husband. He was probably glad that he had been adopted and didn't carry his adoptive parents genes.  

[KayC]

11 hours ago, tnd said:

I felt like saying, "Pardon ME but if there is anything to be said about grudges, it should be me saying it!".

I think I would have.    I grew moxie after George died.  I no longer had HIM to stand up for me and protect me!

11 hours ago, tnd said:

I want nothing to do with them or their toxicity.

Good for you!

[widower2]

On 7/8/2021 at 12:15 AM, tnd said:

widower2:  YES, if you can believe that! One of them kept saying "we hold no grudges". I felt like saying, "Pardon ME but if there is anything to be said about grudges, it should be me saying it!". Yup. They spoke as if they were innocent of any nastiness. His family is very weird. I felt bad for him but he just kept telling me that is why he took a job transfer to another state. And thank goodness he did because we otherwise probably wouldn't have ever met. As for his sister, the really evil one, I told my husband's mother that it sounded like she is either on drugs or drinking or has some sort of mental problem going on. I told her I was being serious about that and not saying it just out of anger. His mother's response? "Oh, she just has a different way of expressing herself". Wow-wee! I'll say! Anyways, I want nothing to do with them or their toxicity. My poor husband. He was probably glad that he had been adopted and didn't carry his adoptive parents genes.  

My head is swimming with responses. My beloved's daughters were similar. In fact I feel terrible because her mother, who saw her husband and only child pass within a few years of each other, basically allowed herself to be surrounded by those blood-sucking leeches (she is the type who allows people to take terrible advantage of her to be "nice"), and because I would rather die than see or hear those 2 pond scum for even 2 seconds, I couldn't keep in contact with her mother or help her in such a dark time. I'm sure her family and friends think I'm a terrible person for that but they really have no clue about how bad it was/is. And since those "friends" made no effort to keep in touch with me anyway, I couldn't care less what they think. 

It's so odd how the worst of times can bring out the worst in people. 

 

On 7/8/2021 at 11:29 AM, KayC said:

I think I would have.    I grew moxie after George died. 

And I think that is so great!     Some people would have simply just caved in and understandably so.

[tnd]

In recent years my husband's parents had kept asking him to move back to be near them. I think what they really wanted was for him to be there if they needed help. They divorced when younger and remarried to other people and all live in the same city. They are elderly. His wicked sister and his low-life bum of a brother also live in the same city. I think his parents know that my husband's sister and brother probably aren't going to be of much help when the time comes. Or else they will but drag their feet and complain about it. With my husband gone I wonder how long it will be now for his parents to start leaning on his siblings. His parents are rude, cold, self-centered people and his siblings are no better. I am pretty darn sure his siblings do not want to have to care for their parents. While I do not wish to stay in contact with his parents I might just to hear their troubles -I don't think I need to say what I will be thinking. 

[tnd]

It's hard not to have dark thoughts as I call them, about people who are not only NOT supportive while we grieve but who belittle, insult and offend me. I find you have to be very careful not to explode on them for it. Because if you do or, at least in my case, they will only use your outburst against you. Then they tell you to get professional help. Not necessarily for grief but rather, they think you have a mental illness. They completely fail to realize why you are so upset with them. And once you have an outburst well gee, you must be crazy! I was told that I need to "get myself fixed". Like how? Like getting an oil change? What? Is there a shop I can pull into and somebody will poke and prod at me, check my mileage, maybe even have a look *gasp* under my hood and then pronounce that I am good to go? Can they patch up the hole in my heart like they do a flat tire? Or is it going to cost me a little more time and money and I've got to get a new tire/therapist? I don't know but can I get a new "ME"?  

In regards to friends/family members who are hurtful and uncaring or unsupportive, I'd like to be able to turn them in for an exchange or refund. All without the outburst. We maybe can't pick and choose family...or can we? I'm thinking about it. 

[Diane R. E.]

tnd; I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Yes, part of our heart goes with our partner when they die and it hurts so much. And yes, you certainly have the right to cut ties with family members who are as mean as your brother and SIL.

[tlc]

On 7/3/2021 at 4:22 AM, KayC said:

I hear you, I retired...alone.  I'm growing old alone, with all the hardships that come with it and no support.  

Sounds like me too Kayc. Just me three years in with this grief for Terry. Alone.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, tnd said:

In regards to friends/family members who are hurtful and uncaring or unsupportive, I'd like to be able to turn them in for an exchange or refund. All without the outburst. We maybe can't pick and choose family...or can we? I'm thinking about it. 

Oh gosh, I get it!  My sister who was quadriplegic, got VERY lucky by a "group home" she was in, they were a family and accepted her as a part of it, they treated her with such love and kindness, truly loved her!  She loved fishburgers so the lady would drive to McD's every Friday to buy them for her.  She did Donna's hair, bought her clothes, her 8 year old granddaughter would do her nails.  Besides ourselves, her family was the only ones else to come to her funeral.

[widower2]

On 8/8/2021 at 3:56 PM, tnd said:

It's hard not to have dark thoughts as I call them, about people who are not only NOT supportive while we grieve but who belittle, insult and offend me. I find you have to be very careful not to explode on them for it. Because if you do or, at least in my case, they will only use your outburst against you. Then they tell you to get professional help. Not necessarily for grief but rather, they think 

No not really. They're brain-dead morons clearly incapable of much in the way of thought or anything else worthwhile from the sounds of it. Sorry for any offense, but why you'd give any such people even 2 seconds of your time I can't imagine.

My beloved's daughters were similar. Just total scum. Treated everyone around them like dirt, even their own mother, even their own kids. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say it would take a loaded gun to my head to knowingly go anywhere within a country mile of them. The idea of even seeing them from a distance turns my stomach. Heck even typing this is getting me nauseous. Unfortunately her mother (who lost her only child and was a widow) allowed them to take total advantage of her and basically surrounded her so I couldn't be there to support her or get together with her afterwards. I'm sure her friends must think I'm a bad person for that and maybe I am but I cannot, simply cannot, abide any communication with them for even one split second. If I learned they'd all moved out of state and were out of her life, then I would contact her, but that's extremely unlikely. \

I guess that's a long-winded way of saying I can relate.   

 

 

13 hours ago, KayC said:

Oh gosh, I get it!  My sister who was quadriplegic, got VERY lucky by a "group home" she was in, they were a family and accepted her as a part of it, they treated her with such love and kindness, truly loved her!  She loved fishburgers so the lady would drive to McD's every Friday to buy them for her.  She did Donna's hair, bought her clothes, her 8 year old granddaughter would do her nails.  Besides ourselves, her family was the only ones else to come to her funeral.

Wow that is so great to hear Kay! Good for her! 

[tnd]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

My beloved's daughters were similar. Just total scum. Treated everyone around them like dirt, even their own mother, even their own kids.

widower2:  Yup. After reading what they are like that is what I'd call them too. Scum. Bad seeds. Evil doers. People well, I don't know that I'd call my brother and SIL human anymore or your beloved's daughters human either but, people like them need to get off our planet and find their own. Planet Earth does not any more unhappy campers. And it's been my experience that such miserable wretches are just that; miserable. They take their own short comings and insecurities and feelings of discontent out on others. People like you and me were targets for their destruction. Makes me wish that I had some sort of radar that could alert me every time someone is about to hurt or turn on me. It's hard tho when it is family. Wonder if Elon Musk could invent such a radar for us. "Forget going to space! We want to be able to detect and rid ourselves of evil doers in our families!" Heck, at this point I wish I was on the moon. Hey Elon...  

[KayC]

14 hours ago, widower2 said:

why you'd give any such people even 2 seconds of your time I can't imagine.

It's more complicated than that with family.  Society teaches us one thing and life lessons another.  Sometimes we strike a balance, setting boundaries, holding to them, while showing care as much as we can at the same time.  God I've had a lifetime of practice with my mom who was mentally ill, had Stage IV dementia later in life, Polly with anger issues, absentee brother, now learning so much about Peggy & how to deal with her.  Life is a continual challenge/struggle/learning!

I just read this article this morning, I think it's fitting in your situation, tnd.
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/6-things-remember-someone-judges-exposes-flaws/

 

[widower2]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

It's more complicated than that with family. 

That depends on the specifics, of course. It can be. In tnd's case, I don't think it is, but that's just my .02. I know if I had family or in-laws/etc that treated me like that, I would avoid them like the plague. Life is too precious to be wasted on such people. 

 

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Society teaches us one thing and life lessons another. 

About the only thing society taught me is that on the whole it is extremely screwed up and seems to be getting exponentially worse, so not to pay any attention to its mindset. Society has basically zero influence on my behavior or beliefs. 

 

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God I've had a lifetime of practice with my mom who was mentally ill, had Stage IV dementia later in life, Polly with anger issues, absentee brother, now learning so much about Peggy & how to deal with her.  Life is a continual challenge/struggle/learning!

So true! I'm sorry for all you've dealt with and impressed with your ability to deal with it. Certainly in particular, someone with mental illness/etc is a different matter.