crying

[Suzanne Cooke]

Noonish. Just started crying.  It was his birthday on the 18th.  Had a birthday cake.  Memories tinged in shadow instead of light. Miss him, want him, love him, need him.   No words for this.  It is beyond just grief.  Alone, bereft, knowing it's forever, for always, for ever. Til death do us part...and then it did.  Love needs to go two ways not alone going out and away into the never.  Black desperate gone-ness. 

[Beau]

@Suzanne Cooke I had a similar morning. I'm about to leave for work and I can't get hold it together. I keep thinking how "til death us part" was a promise of something remote, almost impossible to visualize because it was far and away. We were going to build something great first, and then we were going to enjoy it and love it all, and have fun, then we would begin to consider the end. But not now, we were just getting started. Now there is nothing ahead. I'm very sorry that we're in this horrible place without a name. It cannot be described, we just know that's where we are.

[Gail 8588]

Suzzanne and Beau,

My heart goes out to both of you.  I know that dark place well. I am so sorry you are there.  I know how all the logic you can muster convinces you that it can never get better, because we can never get them back. 

I know it seems impossible, but it doesn't stay this terrible forever.  

If you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will eventually find your way out of the darkness. 

Hugs

Gail

[tnd]

5 hours ago, Suzanne Cooke said:

Til death do us part...and then it did.  Love needs to go two ways not alone going out and away into the never.

**BIG HUG**  I never liked that part of wedding vows. I wish my husband and I could have gone together. Other than our two cats, we didn't have any children, both my parents passed years back and his are in their 90's so...we both have siblings but other than them, not a lot of people would miss us. But no, he went without me. While it's good that he is no longer suffering, I am. And I know he wouldn't want me to. We talked about that. He, himself lost a spouse before we married, so he knew the pain. But obviously most of us don't get a say for when we want to go. And I think most of us don't hold back tears when no one is around. So he's gone and in a better place and I'm here, living a nitemare and crying. I hate crying. The crying I've been doing actually physically hurts. And it IS a "black desperate gone-ness". I wonder about the future and just don't see how this pain will ever let up. I am so sorry for your own pain and tears. Guess all we can do after a session of sobbing is wash our eyes with a cold compress and sip on something (tea, coffee, lemonade) we like and just "be". 

[Sparky1]

Almost every occasion card my wife and I exchanged, we both always said that we wanted to grow old together and have many more years to be with each other.  I look at the cards and it tears out my heart, seeing the love we had for each other, we were on the same page, and now there's nothing, just memories and emptiness.

[KayC]

My heart is with you, each of you, this is not easy, never gets "easy."  I just went through my husband's birthday a week ago, then his death day.  This is the hardest time of the year for me.  I'm sorry another soul has to go through it.  I hate the word "alone."

[ranger72]

@Suzanne Cooke Father's Day... all of my adult children and my step daughter were at the house, but I didn't want to be there. Not only because my husband died on May 13th, but my dad who was only 65 died in July 2019. So it was a bad day all around. I told the kids I needed to run to Target. I am going through the isles and I thought, I should pick up deodorant for my husband. I loved picking out deodorant - taking the lids off and smelling the different smells - thinking about what I wanted my husband to smell like. BOOM - feels like a 50 lbs weight is on my chest and I can feel a panic coming on. I had to get out of the store. I make it home through the tears and then I open the garage door and it is HIS garage damn it! Cubs memorabilia everywhere collected from all of the games we had been to together. The feeling of loss was so devastating I could barely breathe.

I understand the black desperate gone-ness...and I am sorry. so very sorry. for both of us.

[KayC]

@ranger72  Reading this, my heart goes out to you, I know it's painful. 

[tnd]

Suzanne Cooke:  Just hope you and everyone else here are doing alright tonite and haven't cried too much today. Let's hope that tomorrow will be just a little easier on us. 

[june483]

On 6/22/2021 at 7:52 PM, tnd said:

* I hate crying. The crying I've been doing actually physically hurts. And it IS a "black desperate gone-ness". 

Yes I agree, it is a physical pain to sob - I hate it - I don't find it therapeutic - I would rather bury it - under the rug it goes- it is never going away anyways so why take it out - people say it is bad to bury it but it works for me - for now! I just can't physically talk about it - the words get stuck in my throat and nothing comes out so ......I'll leave it buried and sob when I am alone and it sneaks out from it's hiding spot under the rug

[jmmosley53]

I don't know why they say till death.... I love him and always will, and just because he has left the earth doesn't mean he stopped loving me.

[KayC]

Well, better to get it out than bottle it up, it can manifest in physical ways if we do that.

9 hours ago, jmmosley53 said:

I don't know why they say till death...

I don't know either but when the moronic lady at the social security office declared our marriage ended because of it, I bawled, all the way home, I had to pull over and went to a friend's before driving the rest of the 60 miles home.  No need for her to say that, just not necessary at all!

[John9]

Hi,

I am new to this site and my soulmate died suddenly and unexpectedly on March 13. There has not been a day that I haven't woke up crying and gone to bed crying and cried throughout the day. Yesterday was a bad day, the weather was rainy all day and even though before my wife died it would not have bothered me know it does. We were married for 34 years and she was my first and only true love, we were together for over half of our lives and as I am sure has been stated many times before it isn't right what happened. The last 18 months have been hard for us and now it is just me. We lost 3 of our pets last year and it was hard, then in January I lost a friend of 36 years (even though it was expected) who I was a caregiver for and then my wife died and 2 weeks ago I had to have our last dog euthanized. My wife and I were caring for her Mother who has dementia for the last 5 years to keep her out of a facility and now I am doing that alone. So basically I am waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I hate being alone now it wasn't what we wanted or expected at this stage of our life.

[Gail 8588]

John9,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is incredibly hard to adjust to losing your true love.  I have been working at it for more than 4 years now.  

It will get easier than it feels right now, though that is hard to believe in early grief. 

I hope you will find some comfort here, venting as you feel the need, reading other posts and commenting about your experiences.  We all understand how painful and traumatizing this is. Our lives have been shattered too. 

There is some comfort in seeing you are not alone in what you are feeling. 

Welcome to our community. We are all so sorry you have reason to join us. 

Gail

[John9]

Thank you for the comments, I have read many different articles and have been writing in notebooks since this happened and I know I am not alone in the experience and I know that "most" people will get through the experience. I am just going through so much in such a short period of time that I am not doing very good. I am not someone who has never experienced loss but I wasn't prepared for this one in the slightest because it was so sudden and unexpected. I don't have any real support as we didn't really have any friends because we enjoyed each other more than anything else and were waiting for "our" time after her mother finally passed from dementia.

[KayC]

@JohnI am so sorry for your loss and for everything you are going through.  Our journey does evolve with time, so even if you cannot relate to anything here, I hope you will print/save it as it may resonate with you later on down the road.  The two biggest helps for me were taking one day at a time and looking for something good in every day...I began practicing that on day eleven as I found a refrigerator magnet...I feel God put the dragonfly on it to catch my attention, and the message was one I needed as things looked/felt so glum.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.