Whatever happens first.

[Beau]

I have to leave the house with my son almost every day, for work related errands and assorted nonsense. Normally, I do a decent job at dodging overly friendly strangers who think babies are an invitation for small talk.  I guess there's only so much the pandemic and my silence can do, and today someone just spoke too much.

For starters, I don't like it when strangers talk directly to my baby. I know he doesn't understand a word and for some people its cute, I just don't like it. So this woman starts asking him what his name is, how old is he, what is he doing (sleeping woman, that's what he's doing, leave him alone)... Annemarie would have loved to show him off. 

But then this lady had so ask "are you and your daddy giving mommy a break?" and that is how that encounter ended.

I was angry for a second, woke up M. M cried, and I cried and nothing got done. This cannot be how life is going to be. It just cannot. Either people will finally STFU or I'll have to cope better... whatever happens first. 

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

I think you are doing incredibly well.

People say such stupid hurtful things with willful ignorance all the time. I've been in hardware stores asking for help finding a part and the clerk will say "you'll need to get your husband to do xxx to get this part on"  or "You couldn't get your husband to do this for you?"   Or when contracting to have work done on my house, they will say "Your husband will need to sign this too."

It makes me angry when they say stuff like that. But I also get angry at myself for bursting into  tears about it.

I am sorry to say, I don't think people are going to shut up.  They are probably going to continue to say pain- inflicting idiotic comments, as they have forever.  So I guess your going to have to work on those coping skills.   

Hang in there.

Gail

 

 

[widower2]

Beau, I don't pretend to know what that added pain is like, and when it comes to people saying stupid things, I get the anger...but at the risk of incurring yours, try to keep in mind that they have no idea what your situation is, and in ordinary circumstances, parents usually are fine with and even like such situations (even you said "Annemarie would have loved to show him off")...they haven't the vaguest clue they're pouring salt in the wound. I'm not saying indulge them, but as tempting as it may be, try to keep that in mind and at least tolerate them. Their words are ill advised, but they don't know that and their intent is kind.

Then when you get home you can fantasize about slamming them into a wall or pushing them off a cliff.   

Your son in some ways obviously makes this much - much - harder, being a single parent etc, but IMO he will also be your savior. You are not alone, and you have a real, tangible link to her. When I lost the love of my life, I only had our dog...who I loved dearly, but he's a dog. Hardly the same. Not much for conversation and old age took him long before I was ready to lose him. That last link was gone. I have no close family, nor am I close to hers, and our alleged "friends" all disappeared. I am quite alone. I don't say that to whine, just to point out that as hard as it may be to appreciate given your intense pain, believe it or not, it could be worse.

Sorry if any of this comes out wrong; thinking of you and wishing you whatever comfort you can find.

 

[Beau]

@Gail 8588 Thank you Gail.

Why store employees ask people about their husbands? I'm very sorry that happens. I understand people assuming that a 5 week old baby has a mother somewhere, because I guess technically everyone has a mother dead of alive... but assuming people are married is... I don't know. I have no words. No one ever assumed I was married, when I was. Can hardly wait for that development.

And yes, I know people will never shut up. So my skin will need to grow a few inches thicker. We can still wish sometimes they did. 

@widower2 I actually don't feel like our son makes this any more painful than it is, which is so much I feel I can't take it, but I actually find the fact that he doesn't know what's happening, and he's just cooing, yawning and wiggling all day, blissfully unaware of the hell I'm in at least gives me some perspective. The only person I love now is doing alright, so... that's something.

I did have a second and a half, when the doctors sat me down in some family room to tell me that Annemarie was dead, when I actually said "just take the baby back". The strange look they gave me hinted that what I said made no sense. I don't know where I was going with that. It's not that I didn't want my son, I just felt that if I couldn't have both... I was making a choice and there's a chance I'll always regret saying that. But I take it all back. That's not how life and death work. There is no exchange, and whatever I thought then, I don't think it now.

57 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I'm not saying indulge them, but as tempting as it may be, try to keep that in mind and at least tolerate them.

Would you believe me if I told you I work in the service industry and my livelihood depends on being  friendly and accomodating to strangers? I know how to indulge people. I know or at least used to know how to empathize with them... mostly because I want them to give me money, but even if its not always sincere, I know how to do it. I just don't like the thought of people approaching my son. 

The truth is that I don't know how to be a father, other than the type of father I had and it's illegal to be that type. Maybe I just feel like M was already dealt a very bad card in life, and don't want anyone coming his way with mindless noise and weird energy. But I also know that's wrong. He can't grow up only with me around. That seems so sad and lonely, not to mention wrong of me. Like you, I don't have a family and the second she died her mother and I started a literal fight. I have a very lose definition of the word friend, so I can apply it somehow but I know it's all for show. 

Its not right of me to say it but it really seems to me like my son got stuck with the lesser parent. Annemarie was the one with the big family, with the intimate life-long friends, with the cheerful personality and a sense of how to be a mother. I told her, when we finally agreed to have a baby, that I was only going to have a child because it would be hers. On my own, with any other woman on God's green earth? I would have never created a new life. No way. I know myself, the best thing about me was her. 

But again... he doesn't know what is happening, and I really need to use this time to figure something out, do all the improvement I should have done instead of just taking in my wife's shine, and hopefully by the time he notices that something is off, it will be only be a little bit askew and not whatever this is right now. 

[Gail 8588]

Beau,

I don't know if this is a common grief thing or not, but I absolutely felt, and still feel, like my boys got stuck with the worse parent too.  My husband was so much a better person than I am.  I did just bask in his goodness for 38 years.  Whatever good we did as a couple in our lives was because he led the way and I tagged along. Oh, I helped him do stuff.  But I was always only helping him, he was always helping everyone he met. 

I have thought a thousand times I would switch places with him in a minute if I could. Everyone, especially our boys, would be better off if he were still alive and I was the one who died.

But the facts are I am alive and he is dead. I can't keep wishing it was the other way around.

Maybe lots of widows/widowers feel this way. I don't know.

Gail

[widower2]

50 minutes ago, Beau said:

I actually don't feel like our son makes this any more painful than it is, which is so much I feel I can't take it, but I actually find the fact that he doesn't know what's happening, and he's just cooing, yawning and wiggling all day, blissfully unaware of the hell I'm in at least gives me some perspective. The only person I love now is doing alright, so... that's something.

That's a great perspective, props! He will truly be a buoy for you.

 

 

Quote

I did have a second and a half, when the doctors sat me down in some family room to tell me that Annemarie was dead, when I actually said "just take the baby back". The strange look they gave me hinted that what I said made no sense. I don't know where I was going with that. It's not that I didn't want my son, I just felt that if I couldn't have both... I was making a choice and there's a chance I'll always regret saying that. But I take it all back. That's not how life and death work. There is no exchange, and whatever I thought then, I don't think it now.

You were out of your mind with grief. I wouldn't give it a second thought. 

 

Quote

Would you believe me if I told you I work in the service industry and my livelihood depends on being  friendly and accomodating to strangers? I know how to indulge people. I know or at least used to know how to empathize with them... mostly because I want them to give me money, but even if its not always sincere, I know how to do it. I just don't like the thought of people approaching my son. 

Well this is a whole diff situation...

 

Quote

The truth is that I don't know how to be a father,

I doubt any new father really does....I suspect it's a real "on the job training" thing.  

 

Quote

Its not right of me to say it but it really seems to me like my son got stuck with the lesser parent. Annemarie was the one with the big family, with the intimate life-long friends, with the cheerful personality and a sense of how to be a mother. I told her, when we finally agreed to have a baby, that I was only going to have a child because it would be hers. On my own, with any other woman on God's green earth? I would have never created a new life. No way. I know myself, the best thing about me was her. 

Same here. And while I don't know you, it seems to me you aren't giving yourself nearly enough credit. The past does not equal the future and you are obviously not your dad. You clearly are intent on being the best father you can for your son, and that is way more important than some "expertise" (for lack of a better word). I think your son is going to grow up thinking "I am lucky to have the dad I have."  

 

 

[widower2]

7 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have thought a thousand times I would switch places with him in a minute if I could. Everyone, especially our boys, would be better off if he were still alive and I was the one who died.

But the facts are I am alive and he is dead. I can't keep wishing it was the other way around.

Maybe lots of widows/widowers feel this way. I don't know.

Absolutely I do. We didn't have kids, but she was simply by far the better person. She was the kind of person everyone liked. You should have seen how many people turned out for her funeral, coming as far as half-way across the country. Mine? I've already put in my will that I don't want a funeral because I know how few would be there. To say life is unfair is an absurd understatement.

[tnd]

Would it be so wrong to just tell people "his mother passed away" and then put a finger up to your mouth and make the motion as if you are saying "Shhsh" ? I mean, why not just tell them and shame them at the same time? I get hit with all kinds of embarrassing comments and questions just on everyday kind of stuff, as if I am like most anyone else and have what most everyone else has. And I've learned to just be honest and tell them...."No, I don't have a cell phone. No, I don't have a car right now. No, I don't have anyone who can help me". I find that just being honest seems to quickly shut them up, probably because they've embarrassed themselves but also, I do get a lot of empathy too from people. Now this was before I lost my husband. I can only imagine the things people will be embarrassing themselves with on this subject. 

 

BTW, coming on here for grief support is brave. Your baby will benefit from it too. 

[Beau]

@tnd well, I don't think it would be wrong, but they're not owed that information and I don't care enough about a stranger for me to want to shame them or to have their empathy. Leaving people alone costs nothing, and if that was a choice, that would be my pick. 

I don't know what exactly how this connects to being without a phone, a car, or someone to help. I've had those experiences too. None of that comes even remotely close to the experience that is to be alive, knowing that her life is over. 

@Gail 8588 and @widower2 I hadn't thought about that. Maybe it is a common belief, though it feels more like a fact if I really think about it. In my mind there is no doubt that Annemarie was a better person and also better equiped for life than I am.

I know that any Tom, Dick and Harry dies and suddenly becomes a candidate for sainthood, but I also realize that there are in fact good people in the world, not just average or passing, but atypical persons that stand out above the rest. So love and bias aside, I feel this is ture about the two of us. 

 

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, Beau said:

I don't know what exactly how this connects to being without a phone, a car, or someone to help. None of that comes even remotely close to the experience that is to be alive, knowing that her life is over. 

Beau:  Sorry, I'm not very articulate. What I meant about bringing those things up was that people ask me questions or make comments that either embarrass me or anger me. I hate it when people put everyone into one box and assume things. So I found a way to turn it around. Or I could choose to be silent and walk away mad. I expect that with the loss of my husband I will now encounter comments about "your husband this, or your husband that..." and in fact, I no longer have him. But I am thinking of using the same strategy I use about other unwanted comments/questions. Don't know if it will accomplish anything but hopefully it will make them think twice before making their comments or asking questions of the next person. I hope you find a strategy for yourself. Having a choice in how you deal with things is freedom.  

[Beau]

@tnd thank you for clearing that up.

The thing is, I don't feel embarrassed or angry. When this woman asked my son (really me, but through my baby) is we were giving his mom a break, all I felt was overwhelming sorrow. A sadness that I cannot name. Because no, she wasn't at home catching up in her sleep or doing a load of laundry, or whatever first time mothers do when they have a break. Every day I can pick myself up with enough focus and concrete thoughts to carry specific tasks without crying or feeling completely defeated by life without her. Anything else will in fact make me collapse, my brain will go blank.

Crying in the middle of the street in front of a bunch of strangers isn't part of the plan, but this time it happened because I couldn't help myself. 

The anger came later, because why do people need to talk just because they have mouths. In that moment though, it was something else. I can't describe it. 

[Maria_PI]

Beau, my heart hurts for you and the situation life put you in! Extremely unfair! Statistically very rare too. I am so sorry you have to deal with strangers like that woman approaching your months old baby and asking him questions?! To me this is as fake and pretentious as it gets. And no “she meant well” can make this approach right. The hight of stereotyping and disrespect towards you! I can’t pretend I can even imagine how you feel but I would be angry too. You don’t have to be kind to these people, you have full right to tell them how they make you feel. You don’t owe them anything, in fact they owe you at least an apology. I know it may come across as rude but it will be honest and honesty can be very liberating and satisfying.
If it was me, I would tell her to f*k right off, she doesn’t know anything about you and has no right to stereotype you. The only downside in a situation like this would be the bad vibes around your pure and innocent child and no better person than you to decide what’s right for him. You are a smart, loving, honest person and he is very lucky to have you as his father. Be kind to yourself. (((Hugs)))


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[KayC]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

Then when you get home you can fantasize about slamming them into a wall or pushing them off a cliff.   

II love this, you are so funny!  You say the things the rest of us think but don't say. 

I developed a backbone when George died and learned to stand up for myself since he's no longer here to do it.  So if a stranger were oogling my baby and saying such things, I'd go for the abrupt mode and just come out and SAY:  His mommy is dead.  Then I'd pick up and hold my crying baby and walk away.  Very annoying, I'm sure!  People do say a lot of inappropriate things out of ignorance.  But people need to learn not to approach/interact with little ones they don't know!  MANY people do not like this, whether the mom is deceased or not!  This is a "stranger danger" world.

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

just to point out that as hard as it may be to appreciate given your intense pain, believe it or not, it could be worse.

I disagree with this statement as nothing feels "worse" to him right now than his current experience/situation.  To each of us, our loss/grief is the worst.  Comparisons do not help.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Beau said:

I just don't like the thought of people approaching my son. 

And that's okay.  Go ahead, be protective, dad!  That's your job and you're doing a good job of it.

6 hours ago, tnd said:

Would it be so wrong to just tell people "his mother passed away" and then put a finger up to your mouth and make the motion as if you are saying "Shhsh" ? I mean, why not just tell them and shame them at the same time?

Yes!

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Beau said:

well, I don't think it would be wrong, but they're not owed that information and I don't care enough about a stranger for me to want to shame them or to have their empathy. Leaving people alone costs nothing, and if that was a choice, that would be my pick. 

We all find what works best for us, our OWN way!

 

4 hours ago, Beau said:

The anger came later, because why do people need to talk just because they have mouths.

I love this! 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

I am so sorry you have to deal with strangers like that woman approaching your months old baby and asking him questions?! To me this is as fake and pretentious as it gets. And no “she meant well” can make this approach right.

I feel the same way and I see your approach and mine would be similar!

[widower2]

  

On 6/12/2021 at 2:48 AM, tnd said:

Would it be so wrong to just tell people "his mother passed away" and then put a finger up to your mouth and make the motion as if you are saying "Shhsh" ? I mean, why not just tell them and shame them at the same time?

Because it's mean and pointless? Yeah, IMO it WOULD be so wrong, tempting as it is. 

 

On 6/12/2021 at 4:37 AM, Beau said:

why do people need to talk just because they have mouths.

It's not just because they have mouths. It's because human beings are social creatures and are esp drawn to babies. 

  

On 6/12/2021 at 5:18 AM, Maria_PI said:

Beau, my heart hurts for you and the situation life put you in! Extremely unfair! Statistically very rare too. I am so sorry you have to deal with strangers like that woman approaching your months old baby and asking him questions?! To me this is as fake and pretentious as it gets. And no “she meant well” can make this approach right. The hight of stereotyping and disrespect towards you! I can’t pretend I can even imagine how you feel but I would be angry too. You don’t have to be kind to these people, you have full right to tell them how they make you feel. You don’t owe them anything, in fact they owe you at least an apology. I know it may come across as rude but it will be honest and honesty can be very liberating and satisfying.
If it was me, I would tell her to f*k right off, 

How obnoxious and ill advised. I disagree with everything you've said. The woman was not "fake" or "pretentious" at all; that doesn't even make sense. And yes, "she meant well" I think matters. I'm not excusing her if she made Beau feel bad at all, but obviously that was not her intent. It also is not "stereotyping" or "disrespectful" (though I get the annoying part!). Showing an interest in a baby is disrespectful? ?? You are right that Beau doesn't owe her anything, but she meant nothing other than a passing interest in a baby, and most parents whether they admit it or not normally like it when someone gushes a bit over their baby. How the hell is she or anyone else supposed to know he's a widower? As you pointed out, that's a rare situation for someone with a baby. And yes, ripping her a new one, as totally understandable as it is from Beau's point of view, IMO would have been quite rude, even though I get how it would be tempting. It might be "satisfying" at the moment, but I doubt looking back on it later in reflection, something anyone would be proud of. I won't even comment further on the potty mouth suggestion. Seriously? 

 

[Beau]

3 hours ago, widower2 said:

It's not just because they have mouths. It's because human beings are social creatures and are esp drawn to babies.

I guess so.

However, I don't think there's something wrong with wanting to be left alone and for people to hold back on their most social impulses. Tons of people out there, for reasons that go from being neurodivergent to just bitter like me do not want to be approached. Just because one pattern of behavior is more celebrated and pallatable doesn't mean that being the other way isn't normal or that us a-social people need to accomodate to our chipper counterparts all the time.

Being left alone while standing on line for the bank is not an unreasonable expectation. Particularly if no eye contact is being made, social distance measures are put in place, and the baby she just absolutely had to address is in fact sleeping. Nothing about that reads "please ask me about my baby". Social creatures could learn to read some social cues. 

[KayC]

7 hours ago, widower2 said:

Showing an interest in a baby is disrespectful? ??

In this day and age, in the culture we are in, it can be inappropriate with strangers.  Stranger danger!  It's a sad sign of our times, but there it is, very real.

I get what Maria is saying, different people have different ways of dealing with things.  After George died, I developed moxie and learned to stand up for myself as the one who had my back was no longer here, it was up to me now.  And people can say such stupid things to us when we're grieving!  Right after George died, I was at church at my pastor asked me how I was doing, he had a caring look in his eyes and I crumbled...I started crying and right away a lady (who had not lost HER husband!) piped up and said, "You can't love Jesus more than George!"  It seemed such an inappropriate and off-the-wall remark and I instantly responded, "Jesus is here, George isn't!"  to which my pastor affirmed.  Sometimes people need their inappropriateness called to their attention.

In this situation the lady would not have assumed the mother was dead, was trying to be caring/interested, and I would not respond rudely to her, but there are instances where people need an abrupt reply.  I would have just replied "His mother is dead."

My little sister, Julie, had a baby born without a brain (yes, it happens), Courtney had the stem which controls reflexes (breathing) but no cognitive ability.  She lived to almost two years.  We went to Disney on Ice with her and she was dressed up adorable and the loudmouthed lady sitting behind us rudely said to her neighbor, "I think it's horrible that people pierce their baby's ears!  They should let them make that decision when they grow up!"  My sister turned around and said, "She's not going to grow up, she can't make decisions, she doesn't have a brain!"  and she promptly turned around.  It left the lady with her mouth wide open, astonished!  Good.  Maybe next time she'll mind her own business and keep her trap shut.  BTW, Julie is normally sensitive/tactful/nice!

2 hours ago, Beau said:

Being left alone while standing on line for the bank is not an unreasonable expectation. Particularly if no eye contact is being made

Yes, we can take our cues from others to see if they're open to chat or not.

[Diane R. E.]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Yes, we can take our cues from others to see if they're open to chat or not.

I think this statement is right on - thanks Kay!

[LoveNeverDies]

 

On 6/11/2021 at 8:35 PM, Beau said:

But then this lady had so ask "are you and your daddy giving mommy a break?" and that is how that encounter ended.

I don’t think these people meant any harm, if they knew what you are going through I’m sure they would have had a better choice of words . 

 

On 6/12/2021 at 5:18 AM, Maria_PI said:

If it was me, I would tell her to f*k right off, she doesn’t know anything about you and has no right to stereotype you. The only downside in a situation like this would be the bad vibes around your pure and innocent child and no better person than you to decide what’s right for him.

I disagree completely with you, this woman wasn’t being mean at all and how do you know that SHE didn’t just lose someone close to her? Being a jerk doesn’t help anyone’s situation.

[widower2]

   

9 hours ago, Beau said:

I guess so.

However, I don't think there's something wrong with wanting to be left alone and for people to hold back on their most social impulses. Tons of people out there, for reasons that go from being neurodivergent to just bitter like me do not want to be approached. Just because one pattern of behavior is more celebrated and pallatable doesn't mean that being the other way isn't normal or that us a-social people need to accomodate to our chipper counterparts all the time.

Being left alone while standing on line for the bank is not an unreasonable expectation. Particularly if no eye contact is being made, social distance measures are put in place, and the baby she just absolutely had to address is in fact sleeping. Nothing about that reads "please ask me about my baby". Social creatures could learn to read some social cues. 

Absolutely, I agree with everything you said. And I hope what I said didn't come out wrong. My only point is - and I know this is WAY easier said than done - try to keep their intent in mind, not the bumbling way they go about it. (esp when they don't pick up on body language)

 

6 hours ago, KayC said:

In this day and age, in the culture we are in, it can be inappropriate with strangers.  Stranger danger!  It's a sad sign of our times, but there it is, very real.

I get what Maria is saying, different people have different ways of dealing with things.  After George died, I developed moxie and learned to stand up for myself as the one who had my back was no longer here, it was up to me now.  And people can say such stupid things to us when we're grieving!  Right after George died, I was at church at my pastor asked me how I was doing, he had a caring look in his eyes and I crumbled...I started crying and right away a lady (who had not lost HER husband!) piped up and said, "You can't love Jesus more than George!"  It seemed such an inappropriate and off-the-wall remark and I instantly responded, "Jesus is here, George isn't!"  to which my pastor affirmed.  Sometimes people need their inappropriateness called to their attention.

In this situation the lady would not have assumed the mother was dead, was trying to be caring/interested, and I would not respond rudely to her, but there are instances where people need an abrupt reply.  I would have just replied "His mother is dead."

My little sister, Julie, had a baby born without a brain (yes, it happens), Courtney had the stem which controls reflexes (breathing) but no cognitive ability.  She lived to almost two years.  We went to Disney on Ice with her and she was dressed up adorable and the loudmouthed lady sitting behind us rudely said to her neighbor, "I think it's horrible that people pierce their baby's ears!  They should let them make that decision when they grow up!"  My sister turned around and said, "She's not going to grow up, she can't make decisions, she doesn't have a brain!"  and she promptly turned around.  It left the lady with her mouth wide open, astonished!  Good.  Maybe next time she'll mind her own business and keep her trap shut.  BTW, Julie is normally sensitive/tactful/nice!

Agree totally with you here too Kay. IMO this is somewhat different...esp that second example. That person was just being an obnoxious idiot who should mind her own business. 

[KimK]

I'm new to these forums, but recently widowed and I have 2 children, the youngest is 2 and he's decided his grief coping mechanism is rage and screaming at everyone that moves... it's been insane. My very unsupportive mother came up to help this week while I "work" (that's been a fiasco because my mind is mush) and took my son out for a few hours. When they got back, he was screaming (he does all day now, no surprise), so she proceeds to question him about whether he was scared of mommy and whether mommy hurts him. Then came in and told me the whole thing. I'm sorry, what?!? If anything, I'm overly permissive and let him get away with stuff. But hurt him? I guess I'm just saying, people say stupid things. The day after my husband died in a horrific car crash while he was innocently sitting at a traffic light outside our neighborhood, my dad tells me he wouldn't have died if he'd driven a big truck like the one that hit him (I picked out the car he was driving, and it was indeed a smaller 4-cylinder, so I was responsible). I could go on and on. People don't understand the pain, but neither did I. How could you, unless you've had to go through it? It's painful beyond comprehension. It boggles the mind. Take care of your baby the best way you can and we'll all get there eventually. 

[Maria_PI]

I am sorry if I have offended anyone here with my "potty mouth", but I think we are all adults here. Of course, I wouldn't have said this exact phrase to the stranger approaching my baby and speaking to him referring to me, but I would certainly have told her that it was none of her business and to go away. I wouldn't have said the "potty phrase" ONLY because of the baby's presence. I think approaching a stranger's baby, however sweet and attractive it can seem, is creepy. Even in a close-knit society the individual's personal space needs to be respected. I would never do that to a stranger. To a friend maybe, but then I would have known my friend's situation and preference, and that's a big difference.

[Gail 8588]

KimK, 

I am so very sorry for your loss, and I am appalled at the insensitivity of your parents. 

I know you need the help, but oh my, I am so sorry you have to endure their thoughtless? comments.

Hugs,

Gail

 

[Ainslie]

Oh KimK I feel for you. I am sending you the biggest hug I can. Honestly family is the worst. I know you need help with the kids and I swear I wish I was closer I would honestly come and help you. I lost my husband a couple of weeks ago and since than I have distanced my self from family. They say such inappropriate things and I don’t know if they realize what they are saying is hurting us. I feel more love and compassion from the lady at the gas station. She hugs me and asks me how I’m doing all the time. More than what my family has done for me since it happened. I’m so glad I found this forum. It’s horrible what we are all going through but at least we have each other. Please stay strong and continue to come here and vent. Sending you hugs!! Ainslie:)

[KayC]

16 hours ago, KimK said:

My very unsupportive mother came up to help this week while I "work" (that's been a fiasco because my mind is mush) and took my son out for a few hours. When they got back, he was screaming (he does all day now, no surprise), so she proceeds to question him about whether he was scared of mommy and whether mommy hurts him. Then came in and told me the whole thing.

WHAT!!!  I'd keep him away from your "very unsupportive mother!"  WTH is wrong with her, putting ideas like that into the child's head!  He's acting out because he's had horrific loss and knows no other way to deal with it!  I have changed since George's death, I would not take crap off my mom or anyone else (my mom was mental, controlling, extremely paranoid and unable to be supportive or understanding, very inappropriate in her responses all my life!)  It's okay to lay down boundaries for her and tell her if she wants to see your son she'd best not say such things to him!  I'd see a grief counselor along with getting one for my children, there are grief counselors geared for helping young children through this and also helping the parent know how to best help him.  I am so sorry for everything you are going through!!  (((hugs)))

16 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

To a friend maybe, but then I would have known my friend's situation and preference, and that's a big difference.

Absolutely!  And I respect and understand your stance and see no need for an apology here, IMO.