My dear John

[Amyjohn315]

We Caught by the COVID, my dear husband stayed at Vancouver General Hospital ICU for a month, 3 days ago,they call said he only has 10- 20 minutes left, then they let me stayed with him for a awhile, I lied down beside him and then that was it. My whole life is gone, my whole world is Collapsed, I need help, I can’t live without him, but I have to live without him, am crying when I am eating , am crying when looking at him notebook, am crying day and night, I put a big cushion into his housecoat, hold on so tight every night , but I still can’t sleep. I need help, tell me what to do. I was a little happy Princess always hiding behind my giant bear. I was the happiest woman in the world, everyone is jealous. Now, am nothing. I can’t even eat and sleep , the horrible thing is I don’t know what to do. I am totally lost, please someone help me!thank you!

[Gail 8588]

AmyJohn,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Getting through the shock of this loss is one of the hardest things you will ever do.  For right now, you just need to focus on getting through today. Sometimes just getting through this hour or this minute.  Breathe.  Try to eat something nutritious at least once a day, even if it is just a shake or smoothie.  Do only the things you have to do today.  That will be challenging enough.  Things you can put off till later, put them off.  Right now your brain is not functioning well.  Put as little strain on it as you can. 

Ask for help from family or good friends.  My brother came and took my dog to his house for a week when my husband passed, because I was not functioning well enough to reliably feed the dog twice a day.  

This is a huge shock to your system. It's hard to comprehend that that there is no way to fix this, there is no do-over.   Give your mind some time to  sort this all out. 

I am so sorry for your loss, your pain, that your life has been shattered, as our lives have been shattered.  None of us chose to be here, but here we are. 

Please come here to vent, cry, question or just read others posts.  We understand your pain.  We are finding our way through grief too.  We will offer what comfort we can. Sometimes just knowing you are not alone helps. 

Hugs

Gail

[Amyjohnfolkers]

hi,Gail, this is Amyjohn315

thank you so much for replied my post, thank you so much for comforting me and teaching me how to survive at the moment.

last night, i signed up, and posted , i saw people read my post but nobody say anything to me,i felt disheartened,so i deleted my post, and signed out, then i saw you responged me, then i tired to sign in, then i complete forgot my password, they freeze my account , i cant reset my password,i cant even sign in, could you please tell how can i get in again, could anybody knows how can i sign in again, thank you. i am so stupid.

 

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Hi Gail,I figured out I signed on other account, name is Amyjohnfolkers, my first name and his full name, thank you so much, I hope talk to you soon

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Amyjohn315 said:

I put a big cushion into his housecoat

That is a great idea!  It's the first time I've heard of that.  I kept my husband's bathrobe as it seems intimate and I hold it still.  I also kept my Arlie's (dog) coat and hold it.  Two things I'll never get rid of.

Welcome here, to the place none of us wish we had cause to be here for.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Somehow that statement seems so trite, so understated!  I know this is the hardest thing in the world...it's been 16 years for me and there hasn't been a day gone by when I haven't thought of and missed him.  We never stop loving them.  I want to be here for you just as others were for me in those early years.

54 minutes ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

last night, i signed up, and posted , i saw people read my post but nobody say anything to me,i felt disheartened,so i deleted my post

Oh Hon, I'm so sorry!  I usually come on early in the day unless I have to travel and then whenever I can, but I do my best to be on here every day, I know how important it is especially to newbies.  I'm sorry you felt uncared about.  More people will respond, sometimes it comes in waves.  Keep posting regardless, they'll catch up.  Sometimes people are just having a hard time themselves and don't have anything to add. 

 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Thank you so much, KayC  thanks for responded to me, I felt am not along , i always scared of water, now I feel like am I drowning, I have to live, because I have to taking care of my mom who had A stroke in 2019, and I have too sons.I just hope I can get one night straight sleep, no more waking up Every half hour,but this morning, I can feel him told me , have some sleep baby, and he sung the song that he always sings every night to me, a Dutch lullaby.

[Amyjohnfolkers]

I miss him, I still think he would show up somewhere somehow.  I still want him back. I don’t want to start life changing, I don’t want to eat without him, sleep without him, walking without him, anything I want to do is to be with him, only thing I want to do is to be with him.

[Gail 8588]

Amy, 

Yes it is very understandable that you just want him back.  Many of us prayed for that too. 

It sounds like you have a lot to do, being the caretaker for your mother.  If there is anyone who can help you with your mother, I hope you will ask for help.  If there is no one, then you have to do what must be done, but try to take care of yourself.  

This is a terrible shock to your body and mind. You need time to heal. 

Gail

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Hi,Gail, thank you so much for thinking about me, we have home support nurse come over our house  to help mom, I just need to make meals for her. I don’t think I can heal at some point, I just try to survive for mom , for my 2 boys, but without my dear John, it’s just so hard to live.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

I just hope I can get one night straight slee

I hope you'll see a doctor and get a sleep aid, we need our sleep to function!  I did without for years, and looking back, I only made it harder on myself by not accepting my doctor's offer of sleeping pill back when George died.  I am in way better health for it.

18 hours ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

I miss him, I still think he would show up somewhere somehow.  I still want him back. I don’t want to start life changing, I don’t want to eat without him, sleep without him, walking without him, anything I want to do is to be with him, only thing I want to do is to be with him.

We understand.  My daughter followed me around the house with food & water, without which I probably would have been in worse shape yet.

14 hours ago, Amyjohnfolkers said:

I just try to survive for mom , for my 2 boys

And it's good you have incentive.  I got a dog and that helped me have reason to go on.  But when I lost him it was really hard.  It felt like losing George all over again.  I'm sorry about your mom, I'm going through stuff with my disabled sister who just fell and broke six ribs, very hard.

[Amyjohnfolkers]

Life is hard, too hard.