Denial is a nightmare.

[Beau]

Last Sunday was the first month without Annemarie. It was a terrible day, retracing every second and thinking about what was happening in that minute, all leading the moment I was made to leave the operating room and never saw her alive again. The last thing she said to me was "don't go". 

Its difficult to remember that this reality. That is forever. Because my brain goes into a loop of that day, minute by minute, and it still feels like a mistake God made.Her dogs still wait by the door expecting her to come inside and I look on the same direction, wanting the same thing. 

I'm sure everyone here knows what I'm talking about. Denial comes with the package. But knowing it is different than feeling it. This disbelief might be normal, but its a horror to live through. It feels like a part of me will always be in that OR, and her asking me not to leave her... but I did. I'll always leave. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. But I'm not sure I'm following the denial part of this. You're saying you haven't accepted her loss? That's perfectly understandable.

[Dawn Wms]

It has been over a year for me and I still cannot accept it as real.    It makes no sense.  It is not just and my brain simply cannot process this information that my perfectly healthy husband simply died one day.  I can't help you but I can relate.  I am so sorry for you as I am for me and all of us who find ourselves in this unreal position.

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

For a very long time my brain told me this simply cannot be.  He cannot be gone.  

I had signed the paperwork to take him off life support. I had waited for our boys to arrive so they could say goodbye. I held his hand, sobbing as he slipped away. Yet for months afterwards I felt this cannot be. 

There was this disconnect in my brain. I knew he had died. But I knew it was not possible that he was really gone. 

It took a long time for my mind to accept that it was possible. 

Hugs

Gail

[KayC]

It takes a long time to sink in.  It's just too unfathomable, too much a shock.

[Beau]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

But I'm not sure I'm following the denial part of this. You're saying you haven't accepted her loss?

I guess. I don't know what to call it.

Its a kind of magical thinking that I can't get rid of. A part of me really expects this to  be a mistake that can be corrected. Somewhere in my mind I know that she's really gone. That I won't see her again. That this is how life will be from now on.

I don't know if its my imagination, a delusion, a coping mechanism that I can't override, but I genuinely expect to get a call from the hospital telling me that this was all a misunderstanding, or just to find her in the kitchen or in the backyard. Its terrible to know that this isn't going to happen and still think its possible. 

[Sparky1]

After 7 months, I still can't believe my wife's really gone. Logically, I know she's not here anymore, but there is a sense that she's still here. Yesterday I asked her to visit me in a dream and last night I did have a vivid dream of her. It was a fleeting second, that's all I remember, but she was all made up and very beautiful, I grabbed her and kissed her and told her I love her. She replied that she loves me too.

I also think that she's out somewhere and that she'll come home. My dog gets up in the morning and lies down at the front door all day long, I always wonder how much the dog knows. It's very disconcerting in  a way, but on the other hand who knows? Her spirit is probably here with me, and I do tell her how much I miss and love her. The heartache is too much at times.

[LMR]

Beau, I am so sorry for your loss. It is 9 months since I lost my husband and I still listen for the key in the door. I remember exactly how that sounds and how it would make my heart leap.

He was in hospital so I would be sitting here waiting for his call. I think in some ways that has made things worse. I was sitting here waiting but knowing he was alive, so waiting became normal. Some part of me still refuses to give up that idea. He was supposed to come home, he was in rehab. Six weeks and he'll be good as new. That's what they told us!

[widower2]

9 hours ago, Beau said:

I guess. I don't know what to call it.

Its a kind of magical thinking that I can't get rid of. A part of me really expects this to  be a mistake that can be corrected. Somewhere in my mind I know that she's really gone. That I won't see her again. That this is how life will be from now on.

I don't know if its my imagination, a delusion, a coping mechanism that I can't override, but I genuinely expect to get a call from the hospital telling me that this was all a misunderstanding, or just to find her in the kitchen or in the backyard. Its terrible to know that this isn't going to happen and still think its possible. 

Totally understandable and yeah I think probably pretty common. I know there's a part of me that will never accept this. A defense mechanism I guess...as long as I let that live, I feel there's always a chance, even if it's remote. Or alternatively that I will see her when I'm gone. Frankly I've no idea if that will happen, but again it's a hope I doubt I will ever completely give up. 

 

[annie123]

 Everyday I tell my husband, if you can hear me, I miss you so much and I love you, in my mind, I can hear him say, Love you too hon.   It has been almost 8 months and it still doesn't seem real 

[Perro J]

Beau,

When I lost my love last year, I too felt that God had made a terrible mistake. I still do feel that way. One of the things I have found along the way was that accepting something can be limited to simply acknowledging the reality of it. I had to separate that from my own internal ideas that saying I accepted something somehow also implied that I agreed with it or approved of it. I've got none of that in me. Her loss to me is irreconcilable with how I would understand a loving, compassionate, infinite, all-powerful God.

What I have read of what you have written about Annemarie, I would tell you she sounds like a wonderful woman on par with my soulmate. All our stories are heartbreaking here but yours seems to be exceptionally so. Please accept my most sincere condolences.

One thing that frustrated me early on was when people would tell me "Oh, you are so early in your grief...". While I know they had good intentions I was still raw with grief and it hurt to hear that. I cried, wept, and bawled daily for over three months before I could go a whole day without crying. I still cry from time to time. What I can tell you with confidence is that the pain will be less than it is now eventually. Looking back a bit now, I think it may indeed be a coping/defense sort of thing that kicks in to protect us somewhat - a barricade that keeps the harsh reality of what we are going through from being taken in all at once. Maybe there is some mercy in coming to terms with it over a period of time rather than all at once.

You mentioned in a separate post that you were planning on continuing to attend church despite your current feelings about it. I applaud and encourage that - I would urge you to keep at least a sense of God in your life even if you feel, like I do now, that God has some serious explaining to do. Faith and hope are very valuable tools to have in your pack for the road ahead and I would urge you not to abandon them. They come in handy when the answers to the questions we have appear to be not forthcoming.

I wish you peace and solace.

[Michelene]

Beau,

I too had never encountered something irrevocable as when I lost my husband. I kept wanting someone, a doctor, priest, person on the street, to tell me, "oh this is a mistake, you need to do this, and this, and it will be undone. " Paperwork, the funeral home, the viewing, these things concerned me because in some part of my brain I knew that completing those tasks would make the mistake HARDER TO UNDO. They made it more official. I didn't want to do them, when I lost my husband--he was 47 and had a heart attack. For months I tore the house apart--I don't know what I was looking for--but I guess I do--I was looking for some secret key, or clue that would make all of it undone. For the first few years, I felt like doing all the necessary things were like the trials that the main character does to awaken the sleeping prince. That's how I felt, if I did all the things, my husband would come back. It has been three years and sometimes I still whisper, before I open the door to the house, "If you are here I won't ask any questions."

I am sorry for your loss. It is hard to be without your loving partner.

[luckystarhongkong]

My wife's favourite blue munchkin cat  still sits on the chair of my wife by the dining table everyday. The smell of her perhaps is still there. This cat is so attached to her it would only lie beside by wife.  It doesn't trust my daughter and me. It is now in despair just like the 2 of us. 

My wife were recovering from severe sepsis last Xmas. We were grateful to god for her miraculous recovery. We vowed to spend the rest or our lives serving him and helping people. Just when we were doing that with all our hearts she suddenly slipped sway in my arms. I don't understand. She was street smart but always has a good heart. It's just unfair. It's a mistake. And from posts on this site obviously it's by no means uncommon. 

I'm beginning to feel that because life is so unpredictable and tragic that one cannot live through it without believing in something. If you can get support from religion, go ahead. We should try everything to relieve the pain this living hell brings. As for me, I just cannot accept what's happened is 'blessing in disguise' at this moment.

This extremely loneliness and emptiness is unspeakable. Hope everyone will eventually finds comfort somehow....

 

[june483]

 After Rico died I was shocked and didn't want to accept it.  I kept staring at his pictures so I could feel his eyes on me.  I loved denial as that is how I survived his cancer treatments without falling into a depression.  But it took me about a year after he passed to finally accept that he was not coming back.  I knew it, but I just didn't feel it.  I guess I expected his soul to come and communicate with me or something..  it does take a very long time for some of us.... you will come around but just know you are not going crazy.... it is normal unfortunately.

[Beau]

7 hours ago, Michelene said:

It has been three years and sometimes I still whisper, before I open the door to the house, "If you are here I won't ask any questions."

That makes a lot of sense. It's kind of what I expect every morning. It's dififcult to handle that dissappointment when they're never there. 

7 hours ago, Perro J said:

Looking back a bit now, I think it may indeed be a coping/defense sort of thing that kicks in to protect us somewhat - a barricade that keeps the harsh reality of what we are going through from being taken in all at once. Maybe there is some mercy in coming to terms with it over a period of time rather than all at once.

Probably true. And who am I to question how our minds handle this level of sorrow? The alternative must be devastating. Like you say... coming to terms with it rather than all at once... However, the coping mechanism is a type of horror too. Believing the impossible in a very sincere, kind of pure way, and on the other hand knowing its impossible, makes you relieve their loss in small amounts every day.

8 hours ago, Perro J said:

Faith and hope are very valuable tools to have in your pack for the road ahead and I would urge you not to abandon them.

I've always been shaking on this thing. Annemarie knew I am not as sincere on my professed faith as I might seem. Atheism might be my true nature, and it's something I've even shared during confession, halfway expecting the priests to tell me "yep, you've got us"... However, my wife was not the same. Her faith was always strong and thoughtful, and said she would believe for the both of us. 

In one of those conversations that seem so unfortunate and wrong, she told me to promise that I would raise our baby in the Church if "something happened to her". I laughed and agreed. As if something was going to happen to her. It seemed a done deal. She would be the strict mom who would force us out of bed every Sunday morning, I was going to be the slacker who quietly agreed that it makes so much more sense to stay in bed and sleep in. 

Now I have to keep my promise and sell it. I'm wearing Annemarie's medal of Saint Anthony and the Christ Child that she wore every day since her confirmation when she was15. She even asked the doctors if she could wear it inside the OR, but it wasn't allowed. I squeeze it very hard, and pray that Saint Anthony finds what I've lost... but I am not really devoted to God. I am devoted to Annemarie and that will have to do.  

[Gail 8588]

Beau, 

I think you are doing remarkably well, in the most difficult of circumstances. 

I hope things have settled down with your mother-in-law

I am not Catholic, so I don't know when things like baptism occur, but perhaps when you arrange for M to be baptized, you could invite her to be present.  Hopefully Annemarie's brother will be back for that. 

Take comfort from the knowledge that Annemarie sees you fulfilling the promise you made to her. 

Hang in there.  With Annemarie in your heart, you will create a future for you and sweet M. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Perro J said:

accepting something can be limited to simply acknowledging the reality of it.

Exactly, aptly put.  I hate the term "acceptance" because of the implication that we're okay with it.  We're NOT!  And in the psychology use of the term, that is NOT what is meant at all!  It simply means, as you put it so well here.  For a long time it doesn't seem it could possibly be real, it felt like they must be on a trip and will pop in any minute now!  Or that this is a nightmare we will wake up from!  Only we never do.  Gradually we begin to "realize" it.  That is "acceptance, pure and simple, abhorring it all as we do, with every fiber of our being!

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

Beau, 

I think you are doing remarkably well, in the most difficult of circumstances. 

I hope things have settled down with your mother-in-law

I am not Catholic, so I don't know when things like baptism occur, but perhaps when you arrange for M to be baptized, you could invite her to be present.  Hopefully Annemarie's brother will be back for that. 

Take comfort from the knowledge that Annemarie sees you fulfilling the promise you made to her. 

Hang in there.  With Annemarie in your heart, you will create a future for you and sweet M. 

Hugs

Gail

Thank you Gail for putting into words what I wish to say to Beau, I so agree with this.

 

[Beau]

@Gail 8588 Thank you for saying so. 

I texted Annemarie's mother last Sunday. I didn't ask about her plans or if I'll be served papers anytime soon. I just wanted to say that Annemarie thought of her every day when we were married, and a part of her heart was always with her mother and brothers (my mother in law resented that we got married when we were 18. She told me I took her away from her family too soon). She replied with kind words. Nothing was asked about M's custody. She actually asked me about his baptism and his godparents. 

She will be invited to the ceremony, for sure. In our culture, we like to have the babies bapitzed by their 3rd month at the latest, but people can wait for different reasons... one would be for her brother to be able to cross the Atlantic and get into the country, he's supposed to be the Godfather. If I were to have M baptized in the US, it would be easier because then all of could just enter the country, so that's another reason to get his passport. Who knows... maybe we'll all make it back to Louisiana after all. She did say that it would be nice to baptize him in the same Church she and I grew up in, got married in... and for once I agreed. I think she was speaking from a sentimental point of view. I just laughed and said "remember all the things we did outside of that sacristy?". She was not amused. 

 

[DM31]

Beau,

Denial is absolutely the right word. If I've learned anything over the last 3 months, it's that, that feeling of wrongness doesn't go away. It sits there just below the surface. Below our other emotions. Even on the best days, the days where I accept that this is my new normal. I can still feel it, feel him. Like any moment my husband is going to walk through the door and say he's sorry he is home so late. "Traffic sucked beautiful" and kiss me on the cheek. But even though my mind knows that's not logical, that traffic doesn't surpass 90 days, my heart still wants to believe it. That's where the denial peaks out from below the surface. That denial is what keeps us from crumbling when we are at our worst. When we are lonely, or crying, or angry. The denial allows us moments of peace. I don't know if we ever get to a place where we accept this horrible turn our lives have taken enough to lose that bit of denial we hold inside of us. I'd like to be optimistic enough to think someday we accept that our loved ones wouldn't want us to continue hurting. I'm not there yet either but together maybe we can all help each other get to the next chapter. Sending love from one widow to the next <3

[Beau]

10 minutes ago, DM31 said:

Even on the best days, the days where I accept that this is my new normal. I can still feel it, feel him.

I also feel Annemarie. Somewhere, somehow. And you're right, this probably come to an end and something will come along where we no longer expect them to come home. I don't know if that will be a good or a bad thing. But yes, at least in here we won't be alone.

[DM31]

9 minutes ago, Beau said:

I don't know if that will be a good or a bad thing.

Maybe it'll just be different. Maybe we won't always expect them to come back to us, maybe it'll change into just wishing they would. Less denial and more naivety, I guess. I don't think we will ever stop reliving our final moments with them. In my case, my husband left and never made it home. At 31 I went from planning our 10yr wedding anniversary together, to me planning the rest of my life alone. That's were my denial stems from. Maybe knowing where yours is coming from may lead you closer to acceptance being a good thing....

[KayC]

11 hours ago, DM31 said:

Maybe we won't always expect them to come back to us

It's been a long time since I've expected that.  I can't remember how long it took...a few months?  A year?  It's been 16 years come June 19.  You get used to this, never reach the liking it, just don't expect it to change. 

[Beau]

8 minutes ago, KayC said:

You get used to this, never reach the liking it, just don't expect it to change. 

Thank you for sharing that. I realize that not expecting them to come back is just as disheartening as expecting it and being disappointed. This game changes the rules and keeps sucking all the time. 

[DM31]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

You get used to this, never reach the liking it, just don't expect it to change

Unfortunately I'm all too familiar with that already. My father passed away when I was kid and I'm fully aware grief doesn't lessen with time, it just changes.

[Beau]

This is my first experience with grief, because although my parents are both dead, Annemarie was the first person I ever loved, and the first person I miss with every cell in my body. With my parents, I just thought it was too bad there was never love or home with them, but I knew I had everything I wanted and needed with my wife. She was the person I truly belonged to, the family I chose. 

[KayC]

So true, losing parents is different than losing spouse.  I never expected my spouse to die so young!  I feel gypped because I am gypped!

Nothing prepares us for this.