Members Gina Mahlan Posted June 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 11, 2021 Yes, it's hard to accept the fact that our loved ones are gone, but they are at peace and free of pain, while we stay behind and grieve for them. Damon and I had been together 27 years, and until he was diagnosed with end stage renal failure, we had such a wonderful life together. I had spent the first part of my life married to someone else, raised 4 children, and although our married life was less than I had wished for, he was a good provider and father. When the youngest went to college, I realized that, even though I was married, I was still very lonely. That's when I met Damon, and he changed my whole life. My first husband was an only child, think that is why he was an introvert and homebody. He was a good man, but think he would have just been happy being single. Damon was exactly the opposite, always joking, outgoing, always wanting to go out and do something. We were both in our 50's and he opened up parts of life I had never experienced before. At that age I had finally found my soulmate. When he was diagnosed with the renal failure 9 years ago, our life became a series of doctor appointments, hospital visits, dialysis, etc. Since we had both just retired, I became his full time caregiver, keeping track of his pills, driving him back and forth to treatments...my whole life revolved around him because I loved him so much. When he passed in April, 2020, from covid, I was suddenly pulled from this life I knew and landed in a life with no one to take care of. I had always taken care of my children, first husband, my dad dying of cancer, and my 95 year old mother until she passed 4 years ago. Losing Damon made me responsible for no one (my children are all grown and on their own) except myself. This all happened during our lockdown, where we were restricted going out and seeing other people. I still miss him terribly, can't seem to remember the fights and a few bad times,and good times just make me miss him more. I keep thinking I need to push myself to start going out, doing things.....maybe tomorrow. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 12, 2021 Gina M: I offer my condolences for your loss and for the pain you are going through. My husband had diabetes and ESRD. We did his dialysis (hemo) at home for 3 years until I got burned out, which might have actually been the early symptoms of my own serious illness rising up. But I took care of him and all things "diabetes and dialysis". After we had both been laid off we decided that he'd get a new job and I would stay home and finally be the housewife I wanted to be for him and I loved it. I was so happy to have a good husband and partner in life. I enjoyed cooking and cleaning and running errands, all of it. I was busy, busy, busy but happy, happy, happy. I used to cook meals for him using renal recipes that we both liked. After I couldn't do his dialysis at home for him anymore, he went to the clinic three times a week but continued working several years until he had to "retire" due to being too sick. And now he's gone. And just like you, I feel I've lost my purpose in life. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 12, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 12, 2021 We take whatever we can get! (((hugs))) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Diane R. E. Posted June 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 12, 2021 Gina & tnd; my story is very similar to both of yours, so I can relate. Doug was on nightly peritoneal dialysis at home, but he managed that by himself until he ended up in the hospital with a blood clot in his right femoral artery. He was also diabetic and had cardiovascular disease, so I had to be available to him around the clock. One week after we moved here to Arizona is when he ended up in the hospital with the clot. Thank goodness I could go to the hospital every day and spend the entire day with him. (He was in the cardiothoracic ICU for four weeks.) When he passed away, losing him was an overwhelming loss, but I soon realized that the abrupt loss of going to the hospital every day was something I had to cope with too. So yes, being thrust into a new life alone instead of being a caregiver for our partner is a very lonely state. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gina Mahlan Posted June 12, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 12, 2021 8 hours ago, tnd said: Gina M: I offer my condolences for your loss and for the pain you are going through. My husband had diabetes and ESRD. TND, so, like many others, we know the pain of not only losing our partners, but going through the horrible experience of ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease). It took so much out of Damon, he was on dialysis for 8 years, had problems with his fistula, sugar and potassium levels, etc. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed and wondered when I was going to get some time for myself or tend to my medical issues. Now, I have real moments of guilt for feeling that way, and although I did not say it, I'm sure he felt my frustration at times. Being alone so much and missing him, I would give anything to be taking care of him again. What do people say, we always want what we can't have. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted June 13, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 13, 2021 9 hours ago, Gina Mahlan said: TND, so, like many others, we know the pain of not only losing our partners, but going through the horrible experience of ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease). It took so much out of Damon, he was on dialysis for 8 years, had problems with his fistula, sugar and potassium levels, etc. Sometimes, I felt overwhelmed and wondered when I was going to get some time for myself or tend to my medical issues. Now, I have real moments of guilt I had a lot of stress and frustration dealing with his diabetes and dialysis. It was extremely overwhelming and scary at times. And I was angry for the both of us. He never really complained except to say he felt terrible for ME. He never worried about himself which honestly, was one of my frustrations. But we cannot feel guilty. I do but I know I am only spinning my wheels. Nothing will bring him back to me. Nothing. I can only hope to have the strength and help to move forward without him. I am sick, I am tired and now the worst has happened and I am grieving. He wouldn't have liked seeing me this way. Just as I kept telling him over the phone in those last days, I will be fine. And now I hope I will be because I told him I would be. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gina Mahlan Posted June 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 13, 2021 15 hours ago, tnd said: I had a lot of stress and frustration dealing with his diabetes and dialysis. It was extremely overwhelming and scary at times. And I was angry for the both of us. He never really complained except to say he felt terrible for ME. He never worried about himself. tnd, we share so many of the same feelings. Before Damon was diagnosed with the ESRD in 2012, we found out he had diabetes II. he really did not take the situation seriously, mostly denying he had it. Didn't want to take pills, ate what he wanted, even though his mother passed of ESRD and three of his sisters have diabetes. I read all the information and researched all I could, so I knew what was in store for him. He didn't accept it until he began dialysis, and by then a lot of damage had been done to his body. It was then he began feeling guilty for the stress this was causing me.....he kept begging me not to leave him and everyday thanked me for everything I was doing for him. Still, he lasted for 8 years until Covid-19 took him. I'm sure the kidney disease played a big part, but not a day goes by that I don't relive all those memories of being his caregiver....what a different life I'm trying to get used to now without him and his smile. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 13, 2021 2 minutes ago, Gina Mahlan said: 16 hours ago, tnd said: I had a lot of stress and frustration dealing with his diabetes and dialysis. It was extremely overwhelming and scary at times. And I was angry for the both of us. He never really complained except to say he felt terrible for ME. He never worried about himself. tnd, we share so many of the same feelings. Before Damon was diagnosed with the ESRD in 2012, we found out he had diabetes II. he really did not take the situation seriously, mostly denying he had it. Gina: My husband was very good about doing what he needed to do when it came to his diabetes. He was diagnosed late in life in his early 40's, he took insulin (passed at 63). He started dialysis in 2013. But even tho he/we were doing everything right and for whatever reason, his health went downhill this past year. Obviously no matter what, diabetes is going to take a person. But in your case, you and your husband were hit "by the Covid bus". Whether diiabetes or covid, our beloveds are not here with us anymore. Even after everything we and our husbands did. It IS angering. But I've been hit with so much over the years, my husband and I went thru a lot together but somehow always landed on our feet again. I have no idea how I am suppose to move forward without my partner. But I think I will need to be angry and then at least move on from that part. Kind of lose the anger to "lighten the load" so to speak. Hugs to you... 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted June 14, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted June 14, 2021 My husband died of a heart attack with diabetic complications. I was diagnosed with diabetes after he died. What the doctors/dietitians told us did not help. I have learned so much the last 1 1/2 years, and am now a moderator of a diabetic group, learning more every day. I wish I'd known back then what I know now, but it does no good to look back, we can only go forward. Today is his birthday. Saturday is 16 years since he died. Never forgotten. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post annie123 Posted June 18, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 18, 2021 Tomorrow would have been my 44th wedding anniversary. I miss my husband so very much.......... 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post luckystarhongkong Posted June 18, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 18, 2021 it's really hard, isn't it? The dates we used to look forward to becomes dates we dreaded most. Those happy memories are so heartbreaking when we think of them. This grief thing has turned my world upside down and everyday is a torture. I missed my lovely wife. Now 3 months elapsed the loneliness is truly hurting me. my thoughts are with you. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted June 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 18, 2021 14 hours ago, annie123 said: Tomorrow would have been my 44th wedding anniversary. I miss my husband so very much.......... Annie, I am so sorry. The year of firsts is so hard. Your wedding anniversary and his birthday are so personal. They are different from holidays where the whole country is celebrating. Holidays are all really hard your first time through, but the anniversary and your love's birthday are somehow extra lonely. Do what feels right to you. You may want to just shut out the world and cry alone at home. You may want to be with people to not feel so alone. Either way it's a hard day to get through. One day at a time, you will get through it. Hugs Gail 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 18, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 18, 2021 13 hours ago, annie123 said: Tomorrow would have been my 44th wedding anniversary. I am sorry you are dealing with this, very hard. Special Days 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 18, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 18, 2021 3 hours ago, KayC said: I am sorry you are dealing with this, very hard. Special Days That's a good link to have. Thanks for providing it, KayC. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post annie123 Posted June 19, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 19, 2021 Thank you Gail. I chose to be by myself and cry alone. We have a trailer near the bay in Maryland. It was my husbands happy place I love it too, but not like he loved it. He was so at peace here. I came down last weekend to open and clean it for the season, by myself, not sure that I could be here without him. But, as tough as it was, I felt a small measure of peace myself, knowing how much he truly loved being here. I am here now, I came down this afternoon. As I look out the window, the sun is setting, the sailboats are going by, and I am thinking about my husband and thanking God for the gift of time that I had with Wayne. I wish it was more time....but truly grateful for the 43 anniversaries that I did have. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members annie123 Posted June 19, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 19, 2021 Thank you for your thoughts luckystarhongkong. I'm sorry for your loss. Yes, the loneliness hurts so much. Thank you Kay!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 19, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 19, 2021 It was very brave of you to leave your comfort zone and try! I wanted to go back to our place (where we honeymooned and spent our anniversaries) but when I tried, I got laid off and no $, then when I tried again, they had torn it down. I wish I hadn't waited but had no clue time was of the essence and hadn't been ready to go back there in the early years. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Anno Posted June 19, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 19, 2021 I am just a couple of months into this grieving process and as you all know it is difficult. Some days are very bad. I cry alot. I have decided to inter my husband ashes on our 25th wedding anniversary. For now his ashes are here with me in the house. I do not know if this is a good idea or bad, but I do know until death do we part and that will be it. It will be most likely very difficult but it does have meaning to me. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted June 19, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 19, 2021 Anno, I think you should do what feels right to you. I had the ashes of a good friend in my livingroom for 9 months before we could fulfill his wishes. I talked to the urn everyday. But when we laid him to rest it felt right. I am sure it will be emotional, but I think it can be a step forward in your grief journey. Hugs Gail 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post AnnRA Posted June 20, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 20, 2021 Hello Anno — I lost my husband 7months ago and only brought his ashes home 3 months ago. The box is sitting on a hall-stand that he loved, with his hats above. I am definitely comforted by having him home, and I am learning to hold the box and talk to him there. That still seems SO strange, when he was striding past that same hall-stand everyday, less than a year ago.... I will eventually inter his ashes, when his family and I plan a plot. I am not at all ready, but having him home with me is a comfort for however long I need. I think many others have done the same thing. That way he can be here with me on those sad, sad, anniversaries and holidays...... I do know that you will find support and comfort from us on this site —- this is such a dark time for us all but we do give each other some light in the darkness..... 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 20, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 20, 2021 45 minutes ago, Anno said: I have decided to inter my husband ashes on our 25th wedding anniversary. I think that will be a good idea. My husband and I had discussed this and both agreed that we did not want the other's ashes to sit on a mantle depressing the other. It might help or actually comfort some people to keep their loved ones ashes but my husband and I agreed not to. Interring your husband on a special day like your 25th anniversary will probably be symbolic of a lot of things as well as being intimate and meaningful. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Courthw Posted June 20, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 20, 2021 I so completely understand how you feel and am dealing with the same problem myself. I have a wonderful family, but it's just not the same as having him right there to talk to and laugh with and argue over stupid things. It's like a deep sort of despair thinking about that being gone forever. I'm sorry I don't have words of wisdom to give, but hopefully it helps to know that you're not alone. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted June 20, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted June 20, 2021 15 hours ago, Anno said: have decided to inter my husband ashes on our 25th wedding anniversary. This sounds like a wonderful idea! it will be a very meaningful way to spend your anniversary. 14 hours ago, AnnRA said: I am definitely comforted by having him home, and I am learning to hold the box and talk to him there. I hung onto George's ashes for two years as I hadn't figured out what to do with them yet, and then it hit me, the most meaningful place in the world to him was our "home in the clouds" as he called it. I spread his ashes in our back yard, we used to watch the deer there and the hummingbirds come to feed, we have a porch swing where we'd sit and look out over the yard, so that's where our dogs & cats are buried, and where his ashes lay...it's where I want my kids to lay mine someday. I have memorial stones there for all of them. My kids call it the "family burial plot!" For each of us, we handle this the best way we know to do for us. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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