Members Popular Post McRalph Posted June 1, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 I am really struggling with loneliness since my husband of 20 years died suddenly 5 months ago. We had been friends for over 30. I feel like he has always been in my life. I am only 45. What is my life without my best friend? I am so very lonely. We had the kind of relationship where we would talk for hours together about everything. Now it’s just me and my two kids and talking to kids is just not the same. I can’t confide in them my biggest fears and worries or talk about events happening in the world. I don’t want to add to their stress. My friends and family have moved on with their lives now. They no longer check in with me and when they do and I tell them how I am feeling I just don’t get the response I need, that I would have gotten from my husband. I am not sure they even care about me at all. He loved me unconditionally and it is so hard to give that up cold turkey. To have your best friend and confidant ripped from your life in less than a minute. How do you adjust to this new lonely life? Please give me some words of wisdom. I would give anything to have him back with me. 5 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted June 1, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to everything you said. I don't know if I'd go as far as "words of wisdom," but after my loss I created this web site with things I wish someone had told me at the time...maybe some of it will help somehow. FWIW: https://bill5454.wixsite.com/griefhelp/grieving Generally speaking, I know this is a dumb cliche, but it's true: one day at a time. Try hard not to look past the given day; that's enough itself. And feel free to vent here as much as you want; it's a great group of people. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dawn Wms Posted June 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 McRalph, I am so sorry. I am going through the same thing, wondering how I will be able to stand this in the long run. My husband was also my absolute number 1 person and, although it has been over a year, I still can't believe he is gone. The loneliness is beyond description. Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom. It is just the worst thing in the world and there is no fix. Just know that you are not alone. Most people around us simply don't "get it." They move on while we stay stuck in our tragedy. They expect us to "move on" as well and have some idea that it gets better every day. Well, it doesn't. But no one wants to hear that. That's why a forum like this is useful. At least we know all of us here can understand each other even if we can't really make the experience any easier. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post luckystarhongkong Posted June 1, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 6 hours ago, McRalph said: I am really struggling with loneliness since my husband of 20 years died suddenly 5 months ago. We had been friends for over 30. I feel like he has always been in my life. I am only 45. What is my life without my best friend? I am so very lonely. We had the kind of relationship where we would talk for hours together about everything. Now it’s just me and my two kids and talking to kids is just not the same. I can’t confide in them my biggest fears and worries or talk about events happening in the world. I don’t want to add to their stress. My friends and family have moved on with their lives now. They no longer check in with me and when they do and I tell them how I am feeling I just don’t get the response I need, that I would have gotten from my husband. I am not sure they even care about me at all. He loved me unconditionally and it is so hard to give that up cold turkey. To have your best friend and confidant ripped from your life in less than a minute. How do you adjust to this new lonely life? Please give me some words of wisdom. I would give anything to have him back with me. My situation is exactly the same. I lost my wife 3 months ago. Been with her for 32 years. My first love, probably last. She's my best friend. We supported each other through every trials in life. We had never boring conversation even after all these years. With her gone I'm experiencing the kind of loneliness and emptiness I never have before. I occasionally talk about my despair and fear with my 15 yo daughter. Sometimes I cry. She seems kind of reluctant to talk about that. Maybe teenagers grief in a different way? Or she's afraid seeing daddy cry? I have very limited social support I really need to vent. Maybe someone on this forum can enlighten me what I should do with my daughter. It's more convenient for others to think that we're OK so we no longer bother them even if we are not. Can't blame them. They have their lives and difficulties. It's hard to be OK losing a long loving relationship. I'm afraid there is no words of wisdom that can save us. Just plodding through one step at a time. None of us were prepared for such horrendous loss. Life sucks. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mars40 Posted June 1, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 I can relate. The connection you had won’t be replaced. Your friends and family do care they just keep living there lives but they would be there if you ask..When grieving it’s hard to connect with people who have not been through what you are. My son was 14 and we were very open (I hid a lot which is normal) but it’s something we all went through and it’s okay together I believe as you are all grieving differently. Your young, being lonely and fear is a process that will take time so be kind yourself. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post McRalph Posted June 1, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 Thank you everyone who has taken the time to respond. I do agree that the old cliche “one day at a time” is the best way to deal with all of this. My anxiety makes me continue to look to the future and it’s not helping me at all. I need to have more self compassion and maybe stop the pity party. It’s not helping me. I get so overwhelmed with life. The food making, the laundry, the cleaning up, the yard work...it’s just so much. It’s hard to just stop and stay present in the moment. I just don’t know who I am now. Who am I without him. How do I keep going? Life just sucks now. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post MaddHollander Posted June 1, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 I have also been struggling with a terrible feeling of loneliness. My wife suffered with pulmonary fibrosis for many years and then was diagnosed with TP53 leukemia. She battled this 1-2 punch very hard and did everything the doctors wanted, but she died suddenly in my arms, collapsed, while I was helping her towards the bedroom from the bathroom. There is a huge empty black hole in my heart and some days can be darker than the previous. I had to pack up and put away all the seaside paintings and artwork that she treasured. Those lighthouse paintings and seascapes we discovered on vacations helped her through countless bad days, but I could no longer look at them. Too many memories creating too many tears. I received a lot of crappy advice. "She's in a better place" and so on .... but the best advice I heard was from my letter carrier. She fist bumped me, winked and simply said, "Remember the good times." Remember the good times was solid advice. I looked at vacation photos, and OMG I cried my eyes out, but I also laughed my ass off at the funny photos. Laughed, cried, laughed. Good times, I try to remember the good times. It's not easy. It doesn't always work, but I focus on the good times. We had plenty and I wish we had more. 3 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 1, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 15 hours ago, McRalph said: I am really struggling with loneliness since my husband of 20 years died suddenly 5 months ago. We had been friends for over 30. I feel like he has always been in my life. I am only 45. What is my life without my best friend? I am so very lonely. We had the kind of relationship where we would talk for hours together about everything. Now it’s just me and my two kids and talking to kids is just not the same. I can’t confide in them my biggest fears and worries or talk about events happening in the world. I don’t want to add to their stress. My friends and family have moved on with their lives now. They no longer check in with me and when they do and I tell them how I am feeling I just don’t get the response I need, that I would have gotten from my husband. I am not sure they even care about me at all. He loved me unconditionally and it is so hard to give that up cold turkey. To have your best friend and confidant ripped from your life in less than a minute. How do you adjust to this new lonely life? Please give me some words of wisdom. I would give anything to have him back with me. I don't know, I about went nuts with it, made mistakes, I guess we all find our own way the best we can, no manual, I wish there was. I would tell someone "Don't do as I did!" But I understand and forgive myself the way everything transpired. Every friend we had disappeared on me overnight. You may find your best support in unexpected places. I gleaned a wonderful best friend through this, but unfortunately she moved to TX six years ago. When our dog passed, I got another, who became my best friend and companion. He died nearly two years ago and my son brought me a puppy a few months later. He's been a godsend. 2 hours ago, MaddHollander said: I have also been struggling with a terrible feeling of loneliness. My wife suffered with pulmonary fibrosis for many years and then was diagnosed with TP53 leukemia. She battled this 1-2 punch very hard and did everything the doctors wanted, but she died suddenly in my arms, collapsed, while I was helping her towards the bedroom from the bathroom. There is a huge empty black hole in my heart and some days can be darker than the previous. I had to pack up and put away all the seaside paintings and artwork that she treasured. Those lighthouse paintings and seascapes we discovered on vacations helped her through countless bad days, but I could no longer look at them. Too many memories creating too many tears. I received a lot of crappy advice. "She's in a better place" and so on .... but the best advice I heard was from my letter carrier. She fist bumped me, winked and simply said, "Remember the good times." Remember the good times was solid advice. I looked at vacation photos, and OMG I cried my eyes out, but I also laughed my ass off at the funny photos. Laughed, cried, laughed. Good times, I try to remember the good times. It's not easy. It doesn't always work, but I focus on the good times. We had plenty and I wish we had more. Welcome here. I am so sorry for your loss, my mom had leukemia but her dementia got her first. I'm glad you have a caring mail carrier. This is a journey that is ever evolving, so I hope you'll keep this as something may not resonate with you right now but may later on down the road. It's not a one-size-fits-all, just things I've found along the way in my journey, written at about ten years out, it's been 16 years this month for me. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 1, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 3 hours ago, McRalph said: I just don’t know who I am now. Who am I without him. How do I keep going? The one day at a time is how I do this still. I have GAD and thinking about the future invites anxiety so I try not to go there if I can help it. I like the adage in the Bible that says not to take thought for tomorrow because today has enough of it's own, for sure! Also that our thinking about something doesn't change it, also true! So I continually work on letting go to keep my BP down and anxiety at bay. It can take a long time to figure out who we are apart from the coupledom we were used to. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post McRalph Posted June 1, 2021 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 7 hours ago, MaddHollander said: I have also been struggling with a terrible feeling of loneliness. My wife suffered with pulmonary fibrosis for many years and then was diagnosed with TP53 leukemia. She battled this 1-2 punch very hard and did everything the doctors wanted, but she died suddenly in my arms, collapsed, while I was helping her towards the bedroom from the bathroom. There is a huge empty black hole in my heart and some days can be darker than the previous. I had to pack up and put away all the seaside paintings and artwork that she treasured. Those lighthouse paintings and seascapes we discovered on vacations helped her through countless bad days, but I could no longer look at them. Too many memories creating too many tears. I received a lot of crappy advice. "She's in a better place" and so on .... but the best advice I heard was from my letter carrier. She fist bumped me, winked and simply said, "Remember the good times." Remember the good times was solid advice. I looked at vacation photos, and OMG I cried my eyes out, but I also laughed my ass off at the funny photos. Laughed, cried, laughed. Good times, I try to remember the good times. It's not easy. It doesn't always work, but I focus on the good times. We had plenty and I wish we had more. Oh my gosh your post made me cry so much! The thought of your wife suffering and those seaside painting and artwork carrying her through and you now not being able to look at them. Why is life so cruel? My husband died quickly without warning and no pain and as morbid as it sounds I am thankful for that. I don’t think I could have handled what you went through...then again we aren’t given a choice. I cry so much when going through pictures. It’s taken me months to move my husband pictures on the computer into a folder so I can print them and put them in an album. Some days I have the strength, most days I don’t. It’s like all the good times and memories become tainted with so much anguish and utter despair, especially pics and videos of him with the kids. It reminds me of everything we are now missing with him gone. The night before he died he played Pokémon with my youngest daughter and folded origami animals with my eldest. He was an amazing father. 4 hours ago, KayC said: The one day at a time is how I do this still. I have GAD and thinking about the future invites anxiety so I try not to go there if I can help it. I like the adage in the Bible that says not to take thought for tomorrow because today has enough of it's own, for sure! Also that our thinking about something doesn't change it, also true! So I continually work on letting go to keep my BP down and anxiety at bay. It can take a long time to figure out who we are apart from the coupledom we were used to. This describes me to a T. I also have high BP now and am trying to keep it down through diet, exercise and deep breathing. I definitely have to be mindful of taking it one day at a time. I had a better day today because I pushed away all the thoughts about the future and remained as present as possible. Thank you! 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 2, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 2, 2021 13 hours ago, McRalph said: My husband died quickly without warning and no pain and as morbid as it sounds I am thankful for that. Doesn't sound morbid at all, I'm glad he had no pain. The last time I saw George he was in immense pain, his eyes bulged out from it! That's when they threw me out and locked the door to the ward behind me. The next time I saw him he was gone. A moment frozen in time. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mars40 Posted June 2, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 2, 2021 19 hours ago, KayC said: I don't know, I about went nuts with it, made mistakes, I guess we all find our own way the best we can, no manual, I wish there was. I would tell someone "Don't do as I did!" But I understand and forgive myself the way everything transpired. Every friend we had disappeared on me overnight. You may find your best support in unexpected places. I gleaned a wonderful best friend through this, but unfortunately she moved to TX six years ago. When our dog passed, I got another, who became my best friend and companion. He died nearly two years ago and my son brought me a puppy a few months later. He's been a godsend. Welcome here. I am so sorry for your loss, my mom had leukemia but her dementia got her first. I'm glad you have a caring mail carrier. This is a journey that is ever evolving, so I hope you'll keep this as something may not resonate with you right now but may later on down the road. It's not a one-size-fits-all, just things I've found along the way in my journey, written at about ten years out, it's been 16 years this month for me. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. KayC your a god. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 2, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 2, 2021 Not hardly! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Anno Posted June 7, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 7, 2021 My Husband was also a collector of seascape paintings. Each year when we visited our timeshare in VA Beach, we went to the Old Lighthouse store and he would purchase several original paintings of ocean related things. Most of them are still just in bags and were never hung or framed. So sad to see them all piled up around the house. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 7, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 7, 2021 It's been 16 years and still I can't go into his shop. The mice have literally made a mess/destroyed things, it's chaos. For the last year I've been putting out poison and electronic traps but can't bear to go in and clean it up. I'm haunted by his working out there, it's a horrible ghost. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Sparky1 Posted June 8, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 McRalph, I understand your sense of helplessness. I'm also alone, other than my old dog, and the feeling is very painful. Losing our loved ones is so incomprehensible, our brains just can't accept what happened. I keep thinking of the things my wife and I did together and those memories are good, yet I can't understand how it is that she's not still here. It's like one minute she was here and the next minute she's not. I'm having a hard time accepting this, it's if as though I expect her to walk in the front door soon. I can only offer you my experience, I feel so lonely as well, I don't think there is an easy way to cope with it other than just grinding through every day and hope for the best. I don't know how my future will turn out because I don't really have any direction without my wife. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted June 8, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 Kay, Some of the "things" that were important to our loved ones, do become sort of a trap for us. I still have so much of my husband's band equipment, music recording equipment, musical instruments, literally thousands of CDs, etc. I tried to give it to the other members of the band. They took a few pieces, but I still have so much stuff. I don't even really know what much of it is or what it does. I have "planned" on selling it on Craig's List or ebay or such, but I never get around to it. One entire bedroom in my house is essentially a stuffed storage locker, stacked to the ceiling, with tiny walkways to get around in the room. Our 2 boys have already taken what remembrances they want. I need to just let this stuff go, but I don't actually seem to be able to part with it. It is stuff he cared about, stuff he touched, fiddled with, fixed up to do exactly what he needed it to do. His music brought him so much joy, and these were his things that made it happen. I have a hard time letting them go. (I have moved it all twice.) I watch the TV shows, Hoarding Buried Alive, to remind me that holding on to things that serve no purpose, but that clutter your home and weigh you down can spiral down into mental illness. I don't think I am a serious hoarder, yet , but I don't want to go there. I have a good friend who was widowed 3 months before me. Her husband was a metal sculptor, making huge fantasy beasts from random industrial metal works and car/tractor/tank parts. We laugh that we wish our sweeties had hobbies making fishing flies or collecting stamps, as we would not be burdened with their legacy pieces the way we are. Just part of the struggle to find our way forward, when we still love our sweeties so much. Gail 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Amyjohnfolkers Posted June 8, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 On 6/1/2021 at 8:23 AM, McRalph said: Thank you everyone who has taken the time to respond. I do agree that the old cliche “one day at a time” is the best way to deal with all of this. My anxiety makes me continue to look to the future and it’s not helping me at all. I need to have more self compassion and maybe stop the pity party. It’s not helping me. I get so overwhelmed with life. The food making, the laundry, the cleaning up, the yard work...it’s just so much. It’s hard to just stop and stay present in the moment. I just don’t know who I am now. Who am I without him. How do I keep going? Life just sucks now. Hi,McRalph, I was busy all day, went to funeral home pick the cemetery for him and me (when my time is coming ), I went to supermarket, I bought groceries, I made the dinner. I had the dinner with my son.I thought I back to normal, not that sad. Then I went to our bedroom, I saw his giant slippers, all the sudden, I crying like crazy, my heart is so painful, I break down, just can’t control myself, I feel I can’t do anymore, I just can’t, he is too perfect. I remember I always tell him, don’t leave me, I can’t find anybody better then you. He said don’t worry,baby, I will never leave you and we are always together. My life it’s just fucked. I guess, it’s like cursed circle. A litter sad~ very sad~ cry~ feel better ~busy doing things~ then sad ~then going crazy ~ then feel helpless ~ then wait until death coming ~ then the pain will complete gone with your last breath. I just want to tell you , I felt your pain and helpless, it’s hard for all of us.but we got no choice.we just have to remember we need to try to eat and get some sleep at the moment,try to SURVIVE,not Live.I am holding your hand because I need you hold mine too.I am with you, we are all with you. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post annie123 Posted June 8, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 I too am lonely. It is very hard to come home to an empty house. It is so quiet......Everywhere I look, reminds me of my husband. Especially, the kitchen, he did most of the cooking. He was a great cook. I miss him so much....... 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Anno Posted June 8, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 Me too annie123, me too. I miss coming home to him asking me how did the doctor go? Now it feels like no one cares, no one to share comments and opinions with that would understand me the way he did. I pray it gets a little easier in time. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Amyjohnfolkers Posted June 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 We trapped , living in a hopeless prison,lowly dying, rotten, there is no way to heal, there is no way to forget, there’s no way to avoid, there’s no way to enjoy anything 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted June 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 Amy, I know that is how it feels now. I want you to know it won't always feel this way. I do enjoy things now. I am happy much of the time now. I still miss my husband, but it is no longer a crushing grief. Have hope. You will not always hurt this much. Hugs, Gail 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted June 8, 2021 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 13 hours ago, Amyjohnfolkers said: I will never leave you and we are always together. It's good to keep in mind that they didn't "leave" us, they are gone from us, no fault of their own, they never would have deserted us, misfortune took them from us, whether by illness, injury, suicide, murder, it's life's crap that did this, not them, not us. I started bawling yesterday over my BIL's death (it was nine months ago, cancer/sudden). 50 years he was in my family, he was like a brother to me, he took such good care of my sister, now she's in the hospital with many broken ribs and dementia and it's all dumped on me. I got my oil changed yesterday (60 miles away at the dealership) and when I got home discovered all of the oil is gone so now no car to drive. I am my sister's contact and I can't even talk to her, she talks nonsense and doesn't retain anything. And I miss Bert (her husband), he was so devoted, he would be taking charge. But a part of me is glad he's not having to go through this. I just wish I didn't have to either. I take the best care I can of myself not because I have anything to look forward to but because I want/need to be here for my puppy, he deserves it. I think my son knew that when he got him for me. And I don't even know why I'm sharing this here. I guess because I have no one else to talk to. That's pitiful, I know, but my best friend has cancer and I don't need to burden her, I want to be there for HER, not drain her with my problems. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted June 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 Kay, I am so sorry. Life is so darn hard sometimes. I have no one in my life that I can share this stuff with either. I'm glad I can come here to vent. I am glad you vent here too. I wish I lived close to you and I'd come over to help, or just join you in a cup of tea. Hugs Gail 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Anno Posted June 8, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 Although I wish no ill will to anyone, it is somewhat a comfort to know that so many of us are suffering and so alone. I keep telling myself I'm not the first friendless person to lose a spouse and many people get through, although changed in some way. Having a purpose to keep going is probably a godsend. i just need to find one. 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Amyjohnfolkers Posted June 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 Come here to talk what ever you want to say, my husband never let me fill up the gas for our car, and now I have to take care of my mom who had a stroke 2 years ago.nobody is easy, it’s just unbelievable hard. I don’t care about anything, because I don’t want anything, I want my dear husband come back, please, just 5 minutes, pleassssssse!!! 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted June 8, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 Anno, I know what you mean, there is comfort knowing you are not alone feeling this bad. That others feel just as broken and lost. As people heal, and become more engaged in their busy lives, they tend to post here less and less. That is natural and good. They have rejoined life. I really admire Kay for coming back for all these years to give newbies hope that it won't always feel so bad, and to share her tips on how to find a path back to life. I was very lost, for what seemed a very long time. I finally, made my way out of the crushing loneliness and despair, to a life that is functional. One where I can feel the full range of emotions. Life is obviously harder without my partner, lover and best friend by my side. I miss his presence in my life everyday. But I am living again. And I am glad I am back, engaged in life, seeing the goodness again. I don't know that I'll be posting here for 16 years, but I do want to give newbies some hope. I am grateful for the encouragement I received here when I was lost for so long. Hugs Gail 4 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Amyjohnfolkers Posted June 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 There is no hope 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Anno Posted June 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 There is no hope of your loved one returning, but I am hoping that in time, the memories of our life together will become and be remembered with fondness instead of pain. I have never gone through this type of loss and it is excruciating. I often said to others that they should try and appreciate the time you did have with them. I guess I need to heed my own advice now. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Amyjohnfolkers Posted June 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 I did really appreciated the great life that he gave to me, but how sweet before, how painful right now, and regret everything, should do this should do that, if I could done this , if , but there is no next time , it’s done , every time, whenever I almost wake up,my brain will imply me that my husband is not here, then my heart rate is going so fast, am so intense,so feared waking up.then I wake up, I feel someone crushing my heart, ow, what a suffering. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members annie123 Posted June 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: I wish I lived close to you and I'd come over to help, or just join you in a cup of tea. Like Gail, if I lived close , I would love to help you with anything you need and to have tea with you!!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted June 8, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 8, 2021 4 hours ago, Amyjohnfolkers said: ... I feel someone crushing my heart, ow, what a suffering. Amy, It was a complete surprise to me that grief could be so intensely painful. There were many times I thought to myself "Surely I am going to die now." My heart felt like it was in a vice being crushed, at times my head hurt so much I thought it would explode. But despite the terrible pain, I didn't actually die. For me, those episodes of intense pain only occurred in early grief. After several months, I shifted to being numb all the time. Disconnected from life entirely. I think my brain got overwhelmed with the pain signals and just stopped processing emotion altogether. I am so sorry you are feeling these crushing pains in your grief as well. Just breathe deeply, knowing this too shall pass. Just focus on getting through this episode of despair. It is all that you can do sometimes. Gail 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Amyjohnfolkers Posted June 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 Thanks,Gail, try to live hours by hours , day by day, 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post geolescay Posted June 9, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 On 5/31/2021 at 11:24 PM, McRalph said: I am really struggling with loneliness since my husband of 20 years died suddenly 5 months ago. We had been friends for over 30. I feel like he has always been in my life. I am only 45. What is my life without my best friend? I am so very lonely. We had the kind of relationship where we would talk for hours together about everything. Now it’s just me and my two kids and talking to kids is just not the same. I can’t confide in them my biggest fears and worries or talk about events happening in the world. I don’t want to add to their stress. My friends and family have moved on with their lives now. They no longer check in with me and when they do and I tell them how I am feeling I just don’t get the response I need, that I would have gotten from my husband. I am not sure they even care about me at all. He loved me unconditionally and it is so hard to give that up cold turkey. To have your best friend and confidant ripped from your life in less than a minute. How do you adjust to this new lonely life? Please give me some words of wisdom. I would give anything to have him back with me. hi I'm so sorry for your loss , I just lost my wife in April from brest cancer we found out in March and she was gone in 4 weeks ... she was so heavily medicated for her pain we never got to talk about it , her last coherent words to me were I love you so very very much then she said dont let them kill me but the cancer was so advanced she was past any chance of saving her ... I am also so very very lonely esp at supper time and the rest of the night , she would always wake early every morning wake me up and we would talk . I miss her 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted June 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 Hi geolescay, I am very sorry for the loss of your wife. My wife also passed away from cancer, actually from the chemotherapy they tried on her. It's been a rough time for me since she's gone, I'm left alone in the house and the emptiness just overwhelms me. I hope that you can find some comfort coming to this forum as we're all going through grieving and hopefully by talking about it, you can relate to each of our experiences. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members geolescay Posted June 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 Thanks sparkey 1 , I was just coming home from picking up grocery for me and my.sons when a song comes on the radio that we would dance to my wife kim loved this song and I just lost it it is unbelievably gut wrenching lonliness 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Gail 8588 Posted June 9, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 Geolescay, I am so sorry for your loss. Getting used to being alone so much of the time is a very hard part of this transition. I was married for 38 years. For most of that time I had breakfast and dinner with him everyday. For about 15 of those years we also had lunch together, as we worked together too. We talked a lot over meals, about trivial stuff, about plans we were working out, sports teams, music he was working on. A never ending exchange of thoughts. It is hard eating meals alone. I usually have the TV on now during my meals, just to drown out the silence. After my mother died, my father used to eat breakfast 2 or 3 times a week with a group of men. They would meet at McDonald's and get a senior coffee and a Mcmuffin and chat at a table for an hour or so. I think he went just for the conversation. Perhaps you can find or form a group to share a meal with regularly. If not now, maybe in a few months. It's so hard when grief is so new. Come here to share whenever you need to vent. We are here for you. We are all on this path of trying to find a way to live without the one person that made us complete. Gail 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 9, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 23 hours ago, Anno said: There is no hope of your loved one returning, but I am hoping that in time, the memories of our life together will become and be remembered with fondness instead of pain. Yes. It takes much time but that can happen. On 6/8/2021 at 9:31 AM, Gail 8588 said: Kay, I am so sorry. Life is so darn hard sometimes. I have no one in my life that I can share this stuff with either. I'm glad I can come here to vent. I am glad you vent here too. I wish I lived close to you and I'd come over to help, or just join you in a cup of tea. Hugs Gail Thank you, Gail and Annie. I wish that too! 3 hours ago, geolescay said: I just lost my wife in April from brest cancer we found out in March and she was gone in 4 weeks I am so sorry. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and that says a lot. I do hope you'll continue to come here to read/post and know you are heard and not so alone in this. It helps to know others hear you and understand. This is an ever-evolving journey, I hope you will save this and read it from time to time because some things may not mean anything to you right now but may later on down the road. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members luckystarhongkong Posted June 9, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 9, 2021 7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: It is hard eating meals alone. I usually have the TV on now during my meals, just to drown out the silence. me too. When I wake up in the middle of the night, which I often do after she passed. I turn on longer videos on YT to listen, keep me occupied until I all into sleep again. We used to talk about everything. Even after 32 years together. Her friends were surprised we still can talk to each other. Some of them were annoyed their spouse after 2 years of marriage. It's so hard coming home having no one to talk to. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members annie123 Posted June 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 10, 2021 Your welcome Kay. We would understand each others feelings.....Having tea with another person who gets it.....what a nice thought.... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post annie123 Posted June 10, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 10, 2021 I am so sorry for your loss Geolescay. I lost my husband Wayne last October. We were married for 43 years. He spent 30 days in the hospital after having stents put in his leg. It was complication after complication......On the 31st day, he had a sudden cardiac arrest, the doctors told me that he would not recover from it. I had to make the tough decision to take him off of life support. I am still heartbroken. I miss him every day........... 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted June 10, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 10, 2021 Lost my husband yesterday. He had been in the hospital for nearly 5 months suffering with complications from Diabetes and dialysis when his heart gave out. He was only 63. I guess you could say we were loners but we kind of liked just doing our own thing. Now it's just me and our two cats. I have a brother and his wife in another state and I might move to be with/near them but I am battling a serious and very rare illness and like my team of doctors here. Moving would be a challenge but my brother would help me and it might be necessary as the only income I will have is Social Security Death Benefits. My brother says to take the time I need to grieve, no rush on making decisions about moving. But as I sit here in our apartment I feel like I am going crazy...lots of crying of course. I've been homebound and alone the whole time my husband was in the hospital so that didn't help. He felt bad about that but I told him I was fine, didn't want him worrying about me. But now what? I'm the sort of person who can probably make new friends but I do not want to scare people off with my illness. Don't want anyone thinking I will be "needy". But forming friendships will have to come later anyways because I don't know where I will be living. And to be honest, I really do not feel like being around people right now unless they want to console me. Don't know that anybody can. I loved my husband very deeply and every day he gave me his love. He was indeed a special man and in so many ways. From the time he was born he fought to overcome challenges and was successful in doing so. It hurt so much that he suffered in the end. He really suffered. And while I am relieved that he is no longer in pain, losing him is now what ails me. The worst pain -EVER. So I don't know if advice would help me right now or not but I think just being amongst supportive people in this forum will help. Thank you for letting me "in" to your world and hearing me pour out some of my grief. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted June 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 10, 2021 Tnd, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is such a shock to your system to lose your soulmate. My husband was in the hospital for 25 days, and I always thought he would recover. It was a terrible shock when I signed to take him off life support. I knew at that point it was the right thing to do, but it was still impossible to me that he would die. Try to let your body rest, hydrate, try to be kind to yourself. It is emotionally and physically exhausting to cope with such a shock. Come here to post as often as you wish. We understand, nothing makes any sense right now. Gail 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post tnd Posted June 10, 2021 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted June 10, 2021 14 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said: My husband was in the hospital for 25 days, and I always thought he would recover. It was a terrible shock when I signed to take him off life support. I knew at that point it was the right thing to do, but it was still impossible to me that he would die. Thank you so much for that, Gail. I went through something similar. The ICU called me to say his heart had stopped and that they had been doing CPR for ten minutes. They needed me to tell them to stop. I asked if they could keep trying...the nurse told me that they could but that it probably wouldn't do any good and that in fact, she felt his sternum crack when she was giving compressions and that it was only making him suffer. So I gave them permission to stop CPR and turn off the ventilator. I realize that I did not cause his death but I do feel like hearing the nurse yell "stop CPR" to the other nurse was a "decision" I made for my husband. I feel like it was a responsibility and not one I wanted to own. I don't like this feeling I have inside me. I didn't want him to suffer anymore and he had been suffering for months. But to decide when efforts to save his life were to be stopped weighs heavily on me now. I feel I have failed him. Especially since I couldn't even be there to hold his hand or to say goodbye. I am homebound on oxygen and had no one to get me there. Guilt, guilt, guilt. And the man who always looked out for me is gone and I feel I let him down, 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 10, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 10, 2021 10 hours ago, tnd said: Lost my husband yesterday. He had been in the hospital for nearly 5 months suffering with complications from Diabetes and dialysis when his heart gave out. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died of a heart attack with diabetic complications. Then I was diagnosed diabetic. I've learned that the medical community teaches us all wrong, we did what they said to do and look where it got us! Now I'm moderator of a diabetic group and turned my health around; it hits me, if only I'd known the truth sooner, maybe my George would still be here! But we don't get a re-do and cannot beat ourselves up for what we did not know. We trusted the doctors/experts. Welcome here, we want to be here for you as you make your way through this. It was honestly, a grief forum that got me through it when I lost him 16 years ago. You probably can't take this in right now so I hope you'll save it and read it from time to time in your journey...the grief journey has a beginning but not an ending but it does evolve! It won't always be as painful as it is at this moment. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. I hope these articles and video are of help to you...you can know with your brain that you are not responsible for his death but our feelings come unbidden sometimes as a burden/hurdle to deal with. I want you to know we all go through this regardless of how they died. We wonder what we could have done differently as the outcome is too horrific to assimilate. This is a PROCESS and can take much time to make our way through, you are not alone here. Guilt and Regret in Grief Grief and the Burden of Guilt Coping with “Moment-of-Death Guilt” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members geolescay Posted June 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 10, 2021 23 hours ago, KayC said: Yes. It takes much time but that can happen. Thank you, Gail and Annie. I wish that too! I am so sorry. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and that says a lot. I do hope you'll continue to come here to read/post and know you are heard and not so alone in this. It helps to know others hear you and understand. This is an ever-evolving journey, I hope you will save this and read it from time to time because some things may not mean anything to you right now but may later on down the road. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Very encouraging words to live by thank you 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 10, 2021 8 hours ago, KayC said: I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died of a heart attack with diabetic complications. Then I was diagnosed diabetic. I've learned that the medical community teaches us all wrong, we did what they said to do and look where it got us! Now I'm moderator of a diabetic group and turned my health around; it hits me, if only I'd known the truth sooner, maybe my George would still be here! But we don't get a re-do and cannot beat ourselves up for what we did not know. We trusted the doctors/experts. Welcome here, we want to be here for you as you make your way through this. It was honestly, a grief forum that got me through it when I lost him 16 years ago. You probably can't take this in right now so I hope you'll save it and read it from time to time in your journey...the grief journey has a beginning but not an ending but it does evolve! It won't always be as painful as it is at this moment. I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. I hope these articles and video are of help to you...you can know with your brain that you are not responsible for his death but our feelings come unbidden sometimes as a burden/hurdle to deal with. I want you to know we all go through this regardless of how they died. We wonder what we could have done differently as the outcome is too horrific to assimilate. This is a PROCESS and can take much time to make our way through, you are not alone here. Guilt and Regret in Grief Grief and the Burden of Guilt Coping with “Moment-of-Death Guilt” KayC: Thank you for providing these links and info. And you are right, doctors aren't necessarily right when it comes to living with Diabetes. His Nephrologist for instance seemed more of a robotic zombie instead of seeing my husband as an individual. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 10, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 10, 2021 On 5/31/2021 at 10:24 PM, McRalph said: I am really struggling with loneliness since my husband of 20 years died suddenly 5 months ago. We had been friends for over 30. I feel like he has always been in my life. I am only 45. What is my life without my best friend? I am so very lonely. We had the kind of relationship where we would talk for hours together about everything. Now it’s just me and my two kids and talking to kids is just not the same. I can’t confide in them my biggest fears and worries or talk about events happening in the world. I don’t want to add to their stress. My friends and family have moved on with their lives now. They no longer check in with me and when they do and I tell them how I am feeling I just don’t get the response I need, that I would have gotten from my husband. I am not sure they even care about me at all. He loved me unconditionally and it is so hard to give that up cold turkey. To have your best friend and confidant ripped from your life in less than a minute. How do you adjust to this new lonely life? Please give me some words of wisdom. I would give anything to have him back with me. McRalph: I am sorry for the loss of your best friend, your partner in life, your husband. My husband had been hospitalized for several months before he passed and except for our two cats, I've been here alone. What had kept me going was the hope that he would get better and come home. He did but it was brief and then back off to the hospital. I was not expecting him to die. We had talked every day on the phone except for the last few days. Things had taken a turn and was even scarier than ever. And then he died. And I am still here alone, with our two cats. I understand what you mean about not being to talk with your kids...you are needing an "adult conversation". I'm kind of in the same boat...no adults to talk to except a family member through emails. I guess until we are up to making new friends (none of course who can replace our husbands) we will just need to converse, lean and rely on the good people here on this site. Right now I feel I have gotten more support from them than anything. I hope to keep posting and stay on. Please fee welcome to share your thoughts. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted June 11, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted June 11, 2021 19 hours ago, tnd said: Thank you for providing these links and info And here is the diabetic group if you're interested. The administrator is a close friend of mine (from my grief group the last six years) and has studied this the last six years, turned his life around, losing 180 lbs and getting his own prediabetes turned around. I find him to be a wealth of knowledge! https://www.facebook.com/groups/2249357341987919 I have found that big pharma controls much, including studies which influence medical education, often skewing the results and pointing towards Rxs which they benefit from us being on...which are not a long term solution but come with their dwindling help and side effects of their own. I have learned to follow the $ trail for the truth. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted June 11, 2021 Members Report Share Posted June 11, 2021 3 hours ago, KayC said: And here is the diabetic group if you're interested. Thank you, KayC. No amount of support will bring him back but it might help to prop me up and keep me from falling. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now