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Any ONLY children out there ?


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TiaTia70

Feels odd saying 'only child' when you're 50 years old, but that's the case.  I lost my dad in 2016, to a heart attack in the middle of the night.  There were no goodbyes or final words. I still feel a deep lack of closure.   In addition to that, I have felt deeply isolated in my grief.   I have no siblings, no spouse, no children, and essentially no one to grieve "with" since my parents were divorced early in my childhood.   (i.e. my mother is not a person with whom I can share this grief)   

As I begin to care for my aging mother, and am confronted again with her mortality (and even my own), I feel an anxiety bigger than I've ever experienced well up in my chest. I am terrified of the time when my mom, too, will pass away.  She's not even sick, but I fear that day like no other.   I don't even know who I will be on this earth without her.  Without a family.  I do have many, close friends who remind me that they are my "family" too, but sweet as they are, they don't get it.   It's not the same.  When I think of it, it feels like falling, with nothing to hold onto.  Like having no direction.   No anchor.   

I realize it hasn't happened yet.  And I don't want to waste or ruin the time I DO have with her now, but I am consistently plagued by this fear that I will be the last person alive in my family. 

Feedback is welcome.   Thanks,  T 

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Santhosh

I know how it feels. I lost my mother last month and I am only 20. I too didn't get to say any goodbyes it happened so suddenly. And I have no brothers and sister of my own I have cousins but they all have there own lives so it scares me a bit to think that there might be a day when I might me truly alone but we shall stay strong ... well that's what everyone says. But that's the truth and we shall face it and live our life and love our parents for ever.

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Hi there. I too am an adult (47), only child amd have lost both of my parents. My Dad several years ago to cancer, my Mom just this last January to a massive aneurysm. She was hospitalized for 10 days before I had to make the choice to withdraw care. It was during this COVID timeframe and there was absolutely no visitors allowed in. I saw her only for 2 hours during the time they were withdrawing care. Closure seems to be elusive. I am married and have adult children, but feel very, very alone. I don’t want to continue to burden them with gut wrenching grief, so I “suck it up”. This horrible feeling is something that I would’ve called my mom and talked about…so now what? Both my parents were 65 when they passed, so I feel like my clock is ticking. Facing mortality is such an odd feeling. Makes me want to hide in my bed and go out and skydive or something, all at the same time. I feel for you friend. ❤️

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TiaTia70

“Own mortality”.  EXACTLY!  And I HAVE been hiding in my bed. A lot.  

I really appreciate your input.  It’s such a lost feeling.  And It’s an unusual circumstance to be an “only”.   That’s why I had to reach out here, on this forum. NO ONE I know is in my situation.   Do you feel supported by your spouse and kids?  I’ve always thought it would be “easier” if I had that situation.  

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TiaTia70
On 6/2/2021 at 2:54 PM, Santhosh said:

I know how it feels. I lost my mother last month and I am only 20. I too didn't get to say any goodbyes it happened so suddenly. And I have no brothers and sister of my own I have cousins but they all have there own lives so it scares me a bit to think that there might be a day when I might me truly alone but we shall stay strong ... well that's what everyone says. But that's the truth and we shall face it and live our life and love our parents for ever.

Thank you, Santhosh for sharing your heart. <3

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Beatrixszabo

I'm only child too. Lost my dad when I was 9. And my mom passed 12 days ago.  Although I'm 41, but i feel orphaned. And very lonely and scared. I can't find my place. I have a son, but nothing can help. I could cry all day. I feel nothing but pain. 

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Kevin8988

I am only child.  My dad passed 2 years ago.  My mom has been paralyzed with much pain for many years and need a lot of in home care.

 I don't have any close friends, so once my mom goes, I will be all alone, trying to deal with everything , including my own senior life. I can't even come up with an emergency contact person because I have been a loner all my life..  So I guess  I will go soon after my mom goes.

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Taylor22

I’m so sorry for your loss, I am an only child too. I’m 28 and I lost my mom in March due to a massive heart attack, it was very sudden and unexpected. She was a very healthy person, always went to the doctors and had no prior conditions. I also lost my dad when I was 17 due to suicide, so as an only child I’ve never felt so alone. I have cousins, aunts, and uncles but it’s not quite the same. I’m still stuck in my grief while it seems like they’re able to move on more quickly than I am. It’s also very difficult to watch them be a family, while I’ll never get to have that. Seeing them with their moms and dads hurts and it’s so hard not to be bitter or sad, which makes me separate myself from everyone because I don’t want to ruin things for them.  They’re able to have fun, while my brain constantly harps over the fact that my parents are not here to experience that joy and how seeing them with their parents is just a reminder of what I don’t have. 
 

I’m so sorry you are going through this but just know that you’re not alone! If you need anything, please feel free to reach out

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GribbleMC1
3 hours ago, Taylor22 said:

I’m so sorry for your loss, I am an only child too. I’m 28 and I lost my mom in March due to a massive heart attack, it was very sudden and unexpected. She was a very healthy person, always went to the doctors and had prior conditions. I also lost my dad when I was 17 due to suicide, so as an only child I’ve never felt so alone. I have cousins, aunts, and uncles but it’s not quite the same. I’m still stuck in my grief while it seems like they’re able to move on more quickly than I am. It’s also very difficult to watch my them be a family, while I’ll never get to have that. Seeing them with their moms and dads hurts and it’s so hard not to be bitter or sad, which makes me separate myself from everyone.  They’re able to have fun, while my brain constantly harps over the fact that my parents are not here to that joy and how seeing them with their parents is just a reminder of what I don’t have. 
 

I’m so sorry you are going through this but just know that you’re not alone! If you need anything, please feel free to reach out

Sorry to read of your losses, everything you wrote there is exactly how I feel at the moment.

I lost my mum almost a month ago, and the build up was very unexpected and sudden. I'm 30 year old.

I'm not an only child, I have one sister, but I just wanted to add I'm also here to talk if anyone wants to reach out to me.

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Beatrixszabo

Is there anyone here who feels after losing a parent that it is impossible to survive this pain? Because I feel like this, and I don't see the sense of life now.

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Srishtee

Hey!

My name is Srishtee. I am 23 years old. I was very close to my mom. She was a mother, a sibling and a friend to me. I lost my mom 5years ago. She was battling with kidney failure. Initially, I couldn't accept the fact that I will never meet her again because I always believed that my mom's love for me is too strong and she can never leave me. And with each passing day, the reality hits me that I will never see her again. I don't know even if she remembers me and these thoughts are very difficult to deal with 

My Dad and I never talked much and my mom was the messanger between us. Even my dad shared a great bond with her so it was very difficult for him to accept the truth.

Since the day my mom passed away, I had to keep a strong face because I knew if my dad will see me cry, he won't be able to gather the strength to deal with the situation. 

Today, after 5 years, I still feel the same pain. My friends think it's been 5 years so I must have healed but it's really hard to tell people that there is no healing to this wound. No matter how happy or sad I am, I will always feel the pain of not being able to hug her and talk to her. 

I am going through a rough time as I'm not doing that well in my career as well which makes me self conscious and lowers my self esteem. I feel I am not able to make my parents proud because the only wish they had was to see me successful. Sometimes, I really feel like giving up but then I can't do this to my father. I cannot give him this pain so I try to find ways where I can be positive and deal with life. 

I really wanted someone to talk to and I couldn't find anyone who would understand me, so I decided to write my story here. 

I hope we all get through this. 

 

 

 

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My mum died on June 9.We lived together and I am an only child.Since then I have been in a cloud. Nothing seems real. This week I have returned to work and my family and friends ask me how I am and I said to them that I'm fine, because I don't want to talk to much, but I feel broken inside. The guilt and the emptiness is killing me.It seems to work until I break again. Sorry if I can't explain very well, because I'm not a native speaker. I found this website searching on Google.I don't know if it can be of any use to you, but in any case, know that you are not alone.

 
 
 

 
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Beatrixszabo

Dear D J,

This is a beautiful post what you wrote. I lost my mom 3 weeks ago. Everybody says "you just need time" and other bullshits but I don't believe in this. Sadly. Because now it is like she's gone for a holiday only or we can't talk for a certain time. But later when I face the reality it will be harder I guess. I'm at the denial stage even though I know she has gone, but it is so unbelievable. My young beautiful mom

About friends and families. In a shorter way no comment. But honestly sometimes I don't know what is a family for. The "closer" family doesn't care about me, my relatives never asked me in the last 3 weeks how I am. My best friend said "you can write me anytime". Yes, just I have to wait for her reply for ages. It doesn't help at all, I still have nobody to talk to. I could write a letter, a blog or anything for myself instead. Selfish kinda help.They don't want to help just saying what they think they have to say.

And that other people say is sometimes very shocking. Like "she was given only this much from life. You have to accept it and move on" They told.me this after 1 day she passed away.

In one sentence I don't know how to live from now. All my world has changed forever. I just cry and call.my mom.all day to give me a sign that she is here with me.

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TiaTia70

Dear DJ, 

Thank you for your courage in sharing and thank you for taking loving care of your mother.  I’m baffled by the comments and ideas  people offer when we’ve lost our family and our hearts are broken.  One of my favorites is, “JUST think about the good times, focus on the good memories.  “.   As if remembering only positives will erase pain.  What do you think I’m doing?!?! Replaying BAD memories?! 

The truth is, we don’t know how to do grief in this country.  When someone says, “ She wouldn’t want you to be sad,” what they’re really saying is, “I don’t want you to be sad, I don’t want to see this, I don’t want to be confronted with the reality of loss.”.   Although their fears are legitimate, they miss the mark completely.  But one day we all come to an understanding of loss.  No one gets a free pass. Not even those who live in denial.  

The question I am struggling with right now is: who am I without my family?  What does my life mean? How long will I continue to feel lost? 

One thing I do know is that the love that brought us up is still active inside us. Nothing can change the love you and your mom have for each other, not even death.  It’s the core of who you are.  It’s the eternal part of your relationship.  

Peace, T  

 

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Dear DJ,

To be honest I cannot add many more words to what you have said. My mom and I were very close too; we were a team of two. My mother and I also lived together and since 2019 she underwent several operations and I did the cures for her at home, but it seemed that everything was going better and suddenly in the early morning of June 9 she had a cardiac arrest and she died between my arms before  the ambulance arrived. I have family in another province, not in my city, and they try to be of help, but they have their lives and they want me to move on, but it seems to me that they are on a different frequency than mine.

As for friends, I have more acquaintances than friends. Somehow they try to help, but it is the same as with my family. Since it happened, I have been like gone, I function by inertia and I try to keep myself busy with daily tasks and work and get tired to be able to get some sleep. I try to set short-term goals to function, because I can't think long-term and I'm always noisy (listening to music or the radio) so I don't think. If I think too much I lock myself up and can't breathe. My home is a constant reminder and, at times, I think that he is in his room and then I realize that he is not there. So, as I have told you before, I try to be busy all the time and get tired to sleep.

And thank you for your message, as it will happen to the rest, I am surrounded by people, but as you I feel completely alone (except for your messages). Anyway, I'm trying to stay functional and I think it helps to talk to others in the same situation.

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I can very well relate to your pain and fear. Ever since my father passed away due to medical negligence two months back I have this constant fear of being alone with my mom. I am only child and my dad was our whole universe. Now I am highly insecure about everything in my life. Relatives and my father friends turned away their faces after his demise and my one or two known people try to help from far but they also have a life... Sometimes I also felt that if would have been different if I was married.. but then I don't know how much other can understand your pain... I am still under shock of his demise and I don't know how long me and mom will take to recover. I just try to distract myself with house work and sleep... This pandemic has destroyed my world forever.

All that people like us need is understanding and support but we don't get that ever I guess. 

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TiaTia70
On 7/4/2021 at 10:37 PM, Aru said:

I can very well relate to your pain and fear. Ever since my father passed away due to medical negligence two months back I have this constant fear of being alone with my mom. I am only child and my dad was our whole universe. Now I am highly insecure about everything in my life. Relatives and my father friends turned away their faces after his demise and my one or two known people try to help from far but they also have a life... Sometimes I also felt that if would have been different if I was married.. but then I don't know how much other can understand your pain... I am still under shock of his demise and I don't know how long me and mom will take to recover. I just try to distract myself with house work and sleep... This pandemic has destroyed my world forever.

All that people like us need is understanding and support but we don't get that ever I guess. 

Thank you for your message, Aru. I’m very sorry for your sadness and loss.  I think we CAN find support and encouragement. That’s why we are all here.  It will be 5 years this month that my father died.  I still feel confused and heart-broken, but I’m functioning “okay” in life.  I fear for my mother’s death, like you.  It’s very scary sometimes.    

-T 

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Yes it is very scary. And in this epidemic everyone has run away from you. All we need is support and understanding. That's why we are here together. 

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On 6/23/2021 at 4:53 PM, Beatrixszabo said:

Is there anyone here who feels after losing a parent that it is impossible to survive this pain? Because I feel like this, and I don't see the sense of life now.

Yes, I feel the same ever since I lost my father. I have lost the direction of my life and future seems like non existent

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Brenian

So sorry for your loss. I am an only child as well. I lost my mom to cancer in 2000 and now my Dad June 8, 2021. I am just lost and have no idea how to cope.

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unluckydaughter

I can’t agree more to everyone’s thoughts here. I lost my active healthy dad to covid 3 months ago. It all happened in 5 days - his diagnosis to passing away. I’m not a single child but I live in a different country with my husband and child, so I feel lonely here. I couldn’t go see him. While my younger brother had to take care of everything as if he was a single child, I’m here grieving alone. My mom and brother had to face dad’s hospital visits, crematorium visit all by themselves. Not a single relative went for their help because “covid”. They kept saying we want to go but cannot go. I understand, their lives are important to them, but if this happened to one of their immediate family members, would they sit at home saying these words? Most of my close relatives who offered condolences to mom and brother, didn’t even bother to leave me a message. There are many other things like these that add to my grief. My life is not the same anymore. I feel lonely and like there is nobody to care for me. My husband has seen me cry but even for him it’s time for me to stop - he asks are you STILL crying. This proved that unless this happens to someone of their own, nobody gets the pain we are going through.
We never thought dad would pass away. We had confidence he’ll be back home. I’m now so scared to keep any hopes. I was a strong believer in God and now all the time it just feels like God doesn’t help us. There's nobody for me. My dad treated me like a kid even though I’m in my early 30s. My friends and relatives are enjoying. Even though they never followed any covid protocols they are all living happily totally unaffected from covid. I feel betrayed and how life became so unfair to us. I don’t know what I want to say I’m lost.

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20 hours ago, unluckydaughter said:

I can’t agree more to everyone’s thoughts here. I lost my active healthy dad to covid 3 months ago. It all happened in 5 days - his diagnosis to passing away. I’m not a single child but I live in a different country with my husband and child, so I feel lonely here. I couldn’t go see him. While my younger brother had to take care of everything as if he was a single child, I’m here grieving alone. My mom and brother had to face dad’s hospital visits, crematorium visit all by themselves. Not a single relative went for their help because “covid”. They kept saying we want to go but cannot go. I understand, their lives are important to them, but if this happened to one of their immediate family members, would they sit at home saying these words? Most of my close relatives who offered condolences to mom and brother, didn’t even bother to leave me a message. There are many other things like these that add to my grief. My life is not the same anymore. I feel lonely and like there is nobody to care for me. My husband has seen me cry but even for him it’s time for me to stop - he asks are you STILL crying. This proved that unless this happens to someone of their own, nobody gets the pain we are going through.
We never thought dad would pass away. We had confidence he’ll be back home. I’m now so scared to keep any hopes. I was a strong believer in God and now all the time it just feels like God doesn’t help us. There's nobody for me. My dad treated me like a kid even though I’m in my early 30s. My friends and relatives are enjoying. Even though they never followed any covid protocols they are all living happily totally unaffected from covid. I feel betrayed and how life became so unfair to us. I don’t know what I want to say I’m lost.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to your pain very well. My father also passed away due to medical negligence in covid treatment. It's been almost three months. I am single child and hence me and my mom were all alone with none of so called our relatives even after having such huge family. For all last rites and cremenation no help. Even after that no one came to us to help us and we are dealing with this horrible loss all by ourself. Just as you said they all are happy and enjoying and God left us to deal with this hell even after we followed all protocols and they are covid free even after roaming and partying around. We felt betrayed too and as you said no one understands this pain until they are in our shoes. All I can ask you is please share your pain with us as we all can understand you. Talk with us and together we will walk through this painful journey. 

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unluckydaughter
3 hours ago, Aru said:

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to your pain very well. My father also passed away due to medical negligence in covid treatment. It's been almost three months. I am single child and hence me and my mom were all alone with none of so called our relatives even after having such huge family. For all last rites and cremenation no help. Even after that no one came to us to help us and we are dealing with this horrible loss all by ourself. Just as you said they all are happy and enjoying and God left us to deal with this hell even after we followed all protocols and they are covid free even after roaming and partying around. We felt betrayed too and as you said no one understands this pain until they are in our shoes. All I can ask you is please share your pain with us as we all can understand you. Talk with us and together we will walk through this painful journey. 

Dear Aru,

Sorry for your loss too. I have read your other posts, and I particularly relate to people who lost their loved ones to or during covid unexpectedly. I have same thoughts running in my mind as yours. Why us is always the question. I have been able to feel relieved a bit thanks to this forum. Every reader here has been reciprocating like they are our own, while our own people are saying sorry for the sake of it and getting back to their enjoyment. Like you said, it looks like talking to each other and to listen to consoling words from readers here is what can make us feel better. If nothing, I can write my heart out and not get worried about whether I’m thinking correct or incorrectly. I hope we all find peace.

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On 6/23/2021 at 7:23 AM, Beatrixszabo said:

Is there anyone here who feels after losing a parent that it is impossible to survive this pain? Because I feel like this, and I don't see the sense of life now.

I definitely feel this! I lost my dad 11 years ago, which was tough but the grief I’m experiencing after losing my mom is different? I feel like I’m grieving both of parents because now it’s just me. Losing my dad was hard, but I had my mom to lean on. Now that she’s gone, I just feel alone. It’s been 6 months since her passing and I think my grief has only gotten worse? I’m trying to due my daily routines (work, hobbies, etc), but everything just feels like a struggle. I can’t see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel and it just seems like I’m existing at this point. I still get hit with waves of sadness and I’ve had this sense of dread that I can’t seem to shake. Even when I’m actually out having a good day, the reality of my situation will hit me and then it’s all I can think about. My heart is broken and o don’t think it’ll ever heal the same 

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silverkitties

I’m an only child too in her 50s—no kids, no husband: I lost my mom in 2014 and Dad in 2019. 

The loss of my mom was the first and biggest blow because she was my everything. Seven years on, I still experience grief in waves so I started a substack blog, My mother, my grief.

https://francesachiu.substack.com/p/prologue?r=22hhf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&utm_source=

Dad and I had many conflicts since my adolescence so with Mom gone, they worsened. 
She was the only person who supported me all the way: comforted me through our many moved, bullying, academic frustration, professional problems—and cheered me through all of my triumphs too.

I recall feeling very happy when I submitted my book to my editor. And then, just as suddenly, I started feeling depressed because I was not able to celebrate with Mom. What was bizarre was that I was only happy agsin when given the proofs to correct; it was as if I associated writing the book with mom since I dedicated it to her—and that finishing it signaled yet another loss.

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Sarahismymom

I’m 51 and an only child. I have an aunt and a cousin and that’s it.  I’m single with no kids.   I told my mom before she passed that she was the love of my life. I shared everything with her. I loved her company. I never shared my life with anyone else. Now I’m completely lost. I take pictures and realize she not here to see them. I have no one to really talk to.  I’m not lonely but I do miss my mom. 

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silverkitties

DJ , Aru, and Sarahismymom,

I just wanted to tell both of you how your posts resonated with me.

Many people don’t understand how difficult it is to lose a parent when middle aged. Sure, it is probably tougher on younger people, especially kids, because they’re still learning and growing. But few realize that for some of us who don’t have siblings, kids or significant others, our parents are all we have. 
That’s why I truly resent it when people try to claim that the loss of a child or a spouse is harder. It MAY be harder if you are married and/or have kids, but don’t insult those of us who aren’t married or have children. Grief is not a pissing contest! 
I couldn’t help but notice that while there are many resources for parents who’ve suffered child loss, spouses who’ve lost their significant others, and children who’ve lost their parents, there are few for people like us. That’s one of the reasons  why I started my blog—to tell everyone what we experience and that it can be every bit as trying.

Re “moving on”: no one has any business to tell others when to “move on.” That is dictated only by the strength and nature of your bond with the deceased. I was reading a Vanity Fair article about Jackie O’s loss of her first husband, JFK. Six months in, her grief had only gotten worse while members of his family were telling her to “move on.” It must have been extremely difficult fir her since the death was so public and discussed on an almost daily basis.
 

The fact is that grief is also determined by other factors—for instance, how isolated you are.  For me, my  grief was worst between the third month after Mom’s death and the first anniversary: it seemed like everyone in our local Taiwanese community abandoned us. My relatives and friends stopped calling. It was as if we stopped existing—and that made me miss Mom all the more. 

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I wanted to thank ALL of the people that have taken the time to share here and be open.  I had to take a break from reading, writing, and responding because it was just too painful. But I am very grateful to see your different life stories and know that others understand the fear and pain that accompany these losses.   I WOULD REALLY like to hear how some of you are finding, at least, small joys in your lives.   I mean, we are still here.   I am overwhelmed by the hardship of the pandemic, the division in my country, and with taking care of my mother and her husband all on my own.   I can't give up, despite the anxiety and unknown.  I have to find a way of getting healthy enough to keep going in my life.   I honestly spend a lot of time in bed when I'm not working.   I don't think it's healthy, but I can't seem to find escape anywhere but in sleep.   

I know there is another way to do this, just can't seem to find the strength to choose a different way.      Peace to you all, Tia 

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Sometimes it gets difficult, but nonetheless, we need to find ways to move forward in a state of not drowning. When I’m not at work, when I’m free, I’d stay in bed all day, but when I feel like it, I go outside and walk or do some errands. Walking helps me not to get stuck in some way.In the end we have to find ways to continue to function on a day-to-day basis. Still there are difficult moments in every day.

 Well,each will have their own experience. In any case I hope everyone has found a way to deal with this situation.

Be well.
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Sarahismymom

I’ve always had optimism. “If we can take of this, & get through that, we’ll be ok.”  For the first time, it’s like I can’t see any daylight. Even if everything I need works out, I don’t have my mom.  Everything always came back to her. I don’t know what to do now. 
 

 

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Oizys Miseria

I understand the unsettling fear of losing not only your mother but the imminent feeling of being completely alone.  I am an only child of a single parent.  My mother.  She almost died back in 09’.  Every day I lived with this anxiety.  Some nights I would wake up from a nightmare and call her just to make sure everything was okay.  I would text her in my sleep and not know it.  I lived with this fear until a few weeks ago when my mother did unexpectedly pass away.  I’m 34.  How am I suppose to live another half of my life without her? The pain is just as unbearable as I thought it would be and my friends who’s parents are still living keep telling me things will be okay and it makes my blood boil.  Friends are fine but people grow apart, move, have kids.  They can’t and won’t always be there in the way your mother was.  They are no substitute.  Not even close.  I will have to walk the world feeling alone for the rest of my life.  All the unconditional love that existed for me is gone and I don’t have any other family left to be there for me. 

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Sarahismymom

I’ve thought like that myself. I always thought mom would pass away when I was much older. I thought I’d be mid 60’s at least. I’m 51 and the thought of living without my mom is frightening. I have no idea how to deal with this. She was my only true companion.  I’ve never shared anything else with anyone. 

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silverkitties

You’re the same age I was when I lost my mom, Sarahismymom. Like you, I thought I would enjoy at least another 20 years with her. I wanted to travel with her—get a sleeper car in the Amtrak and enjoy beautiful scenery—but that was not to be.

Yet, I also wonder, if I did have Mom for another 10 years, would the loss be even harder?

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On 6/23/2021 at 7:23 AM, Beatrixszabo said:

Is there anyone here who feels after losing a parent that it is impossible to survive this pain? Because I feel like this, and I don't see the sense of life now.

I am a 51 year old man. I just lost my Mom. I honestly don't know how to carry on. I lost my brother years ago and have no one. My mother and me were a team. I wish I had an answer as to how survive this pain. As of now I don't. Try to be well. I wish you the best.

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Thank you for opening this subject and I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am only child too (47), no cousins, aunts, basically, it is now only me. I lost my mom 6 months ago. My dad dies when I was 12. I completely relate to what you say. I don't know what to hold on to. I guess one has to experience this in order to really understand. No anchor, as you said. I try really hard to go on but there is this void. I met a man a little before she died and we got together, he helped me a lot when she died, but now he is pulling away. I try not to burden him, but I guess my grief and fear of loss show every now and then. I don't know what to do. I have so much empathy for your situation. I hope there is some light and hope out there for both or all of us. 

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I think I must have read through this entire thread three times already. I don't think most people understand what it's like to lose your only parent  when you don't have a significant other, a brother or sister, or any kids of your own. As a 51 year old male people would probably look at me like I'm some kind of freak reacting like this to my 86 year-old mother passing away. My whole it was just me and my mother. That was really it. She was the only constant in my life. She was my best friend. Today was an especially bad day. The second I opened my eyes I instantly started replaying our last days and last moments over and over again in my head.

I walked into the kitchen and then glanced in the dark in the living room where my mother would typically be sitting watching TV. I literally dropped to my knees crying. I almost felt like I couldn't breathe. It was one of the worst bouts of crying I've had since this happened. The sense of loneliness and fear I've described as something akin to a spacecraft flying me off a million light-years away from Earth and dropping me off on an asteroid totally alone. Now imagine something five times that bad. That's pretty much how It feels.

Another thought occurred to me today, that brought me to tears. It's pretty obvious but for the first time I thought oh, oh my God, I'll never taste my mom's cooking again. Obviously with her not here that's the case but I really hadn't thought of that. It just put even more of exclamation point on her passing. And I hadn't even realized that we're approaching Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's. I'm thinking to myself, oh my God, how in the world am I ever going to make it through those three things.

Trying to describe what you feel as grief and loneliness really doesn't even do it justice. You feel like you don't really exist. Like you're just a wandering shadow that really shouldn't be here. There isn't one second of the day  I don't think to myself oh this is the point in the day where Mom would be doing this or Mom would be saying that. It is constant. The house I'm living in is a manifestation of her, her presence is everywhere, yet she is nowhere. Everywhere I look the house  smacks me in the face reminding me of the fact that she's not here and she's never going to be.

Making matters even worse is the fact that in the middle of all this I have to start looking for a job. I pretty much devoted the last several years of my life to taking care of my mom 24/7. And the modest rental income we had isn't going to be there any longer. So in addition to what I'm going through with my mother I have no idea how I'm going to make any kind of income. The whole situation just feels too much to bear at times. I just hope everyone in this thread can possibly find solace in the something and find the impetus to carry on. I'm going to try my best but, my God, it doesn't seem like there's any light at the end of this tunnel.

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On 6/23/2021 at 7:23 AM, Beatrixszabo said:

Is there anyone here who feels after losing a parent that it is impossible to survive this pain? Because I feel like this, and I don't see the sense of life now.

I'm an only child turned 60 in Sept. and feel exactly as you do (lost my mother on 7/17/21).  Mom was all I had so since then it's an ever-increasing, paralyzing nightmare with no end and seemingly no way out.  We were inseparable my whole life and it's been just the two of us since Dad passed in 2000.  

On 11/15/2021 at 9:04 PM, ESM said:

I don't think most people understand what it's like to lose your only parent  when you don't have a significant other, a brother or sister, or any kids of your own. As a 51 year old male people would probably look at me like I'm some kind of freak reacting like this to my 86 year-old mother passing away. My whole it was just me and my mother. That was really it. She was the only constant in my life. She was my best friend. Today was an especially bad day. The second I opened my eyes I instantly started replaying our last days and last moments over and over again in my head.

Some people seem to think that because Mom was 91 it shouldn't be so bad but I try to explain that this is the worst possible thing that could happen to me, for precisely the reasons you give.  Mom and I both worked at the same church for 25 years so there is support in the practical sense, but I never got close to anyone there or anywhere else.  She was my sole refuge in a world I was never really comfortable in (unbearable now), the only one who could stop my pain, nervousness, and heartbreak no matter what the source.  I constantly relive the 8 1/2 month ordeal that separated us in all its horrific details.  Not having her to turn to after the worst and longest-dreaded nightmare of my life is frightening beyond words,  Mom was very tender-hearted and sensitive but tough in the face of adversity - I am not nearly so strong.  We were unable to be away from each other without great anxiety (Grandma was a worrier also).  Day and night it's "Where do I run - where do I run - now where do I run without you??" and it gets worse each day with the repeating shock of waking up alone in the empty house.  Eating alone is also a horror - all the more so because Mom came home with a tracheostomy (no food or even water allowed).  I dread the holidays and beyond like the plague - 60 years of memories rushing at me awake and asleep, with even the most beautiful ones heartbreaking now.  I hope that even if this doesn't help it will show that people like us are not alone (little consolation i well know)..             .

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16 hours ago, ADM925 said:

  She was my sole refuge in a world I was never really comfortable in (unbearable now), the only one who could stop my pain, nervousness, and heartbreak no matter what the source.  I constantly relive the 8 1/2 month ordeal that separated us in all its horrific details.  Not having her to turn to after the worst and longest-dreaded nightmare of my life is frightening beyond words,  Mom was very tender-hearted and sensitive but tough in the face of adversity - I am not nearly so strong.  We were unable to be away from each other without great anxiety (Grandma was a worrier also).  Day and night it's "Where do I run - where do I run - now where do I run without you??" and it gets worse each day with the repeating shock of waking up alone in the empty house.

This describes me exactly. Just 5 minutes ago I found a letter from my Mom to me, around the time of my completing grad school. I've been awful since I got up but hadn't cried yet. I instantly started crying hysterically and literally felt like I could not breathe. I felt as if I needed to drop to my knees at that moment.

It's also just about 7 p.m. right now and in another half hour I would typically start preparing dinner with my mom. Without her, I have absolutely no motivation to prepare anything for myself to eat. And the Stillness and Silence of the house around this time is nothing short of soul-crushing. I honestly don't see how I ever get through this. I only hope everyone else on this thread, as well as myself, somehow find solace in something. I hope everyone makes it through the holidays. I know that's going to be absolutely devastating for everyone here. Try to be well.

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silverkitties

I’m wishing everyone here as happy and peaceful a Thanksgiving as is possible under the circumstances. That first year without a parent and sometimes even the second can feel unbearable.

The first one I had without Mom a month and a half after her death was probably not the worst: we had just had her memorial service which felt like a relief of sorts. For me, the real hell came after New Year’s when people started to abandon us—meaning me and my dad. 

Some of you may know that i am writing a blog about my late mom, My Mother, My Grief. I’m thinking about adding occasional interviews with people over 35 who are grieving for their parents: these would take the form of questions posed by me. I’d like to do this to raise awareness on middle-aged grieving for those who’ve lost their parents. Would any of you be interested in participating? And what kind of questions do you think should be asked? 

Btw, I’m not trying to exclude or ignore people under 35, but I think young adults probably have their own challenges when grieving as they pursue graduate study, get married, and have kids—or are worried about not getting married, etc. And those under 20 have their own particular challenges as well.

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Oizys Miseria
19 hours ago, silverkitties said:

I’m wishing everyone here as happy and peaceful a Thanksgiving as is possible under the circumstances. That first year without a parent and sometimes even the second can feel unbearable.

The first one I had without Mom a month and a half after her death was probably not the worst: we had just had her memorial service which felt like a relief of sorts. For me, the real hell came after New Year’s when people started to abandon us—meaning me and my dad. 

Some of you may know that i am writing a blog about my late mom, My Mother, My Grief. I’m thinking about adding occasional interviews with people over 35 who are grieving for their parents: these would take the form of questions posed by me. I’d like to do this to raise awareness on middle-aged grieving for those who’ve lost their parents. Would any of you be interested in participating? And what kind of questions do you think should be asked? 

Btw, I’m not trying to exclude or ignore people under 35, but I think young adults probably have their own challenges when grieving as they pursue graduate study, get married, and have kids—or are worried about not getting married, etc. And those under 20 have their own particular challenges as well.

Today was not as hard as I thought.  It’s been 2.5 months since my mom passed.  I pretty much pretended it was just a day like any other day.  Stuck to myself.  Cleaned out my closet to stay busy.  I don’t think I’ll be able to bring myself to celebrate anything for a while.  
 

I do wonder what my life will be like.  I feel so alone.  I don’t know what the future has in store for me.  I’m 34 and I know that’s not that old, but now I worry i’ll never be able to enjoy life’s milestones without my mom.  Now every day feels like a countdown since I last saw her and if/when I could ever see her again. 
 

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silverkitties

Hugs to you.


I wonder when I will see my mom again too. She was the only one who gave meaning to my life.

I like to imagine tgat one day, she’ll be waiting for me at the pearly gates just like she used to wait for me at the train station or airport. And then we will ride a cloud together with our cats.

Sounds silly, I know. But I think about this to keep myself sane. 

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Hi everyone, I hope everyone’s doing okay during the first big day in the holiday season. Thanksgiving really snuck up on me, it’s the first year without my mom and today was rough. I just didn’t feel up to doing anything, but I tried to have some dinner just to find some sense of normalcy. It didn’t work and I just felt a huge emptiness without my mom around. She was always the cook, her stuffing was my favorite and it’s just a hard dose of reality that I’ll never be able to have it again. I’m sorry if I’m rambling, today has been a long and emotionally draining day. It was just so hard seeing pictures of everyone celebrating with their parents when I’ll never get to experience it again. 

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On 11/15/2021 at 11:32 AM, Flif said:

Thank you for opening this subject and I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am only child too (47), no cousins, aunts, basically, it is now only me. I lost my mom 6 months ago. My dad dies when I was 12. I completely relate to what you say. I don't know what to hold on to. I guess one has to experience this in order to really understand. No anchor, as you said. I try really hard to go on but there is this void. I met a man a little before she died and we got together, he helped me a lot when she died, but now he is pulling away. I try not to burden him, but I guess my grief and fear of loss show every now and then. I don't know what to do. I have so much empathy for your situation. I hope there is some light and hope out there for both or all of us. 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience.  It does actually help (at least a little) to know there's someone else out there (or many others) that are in the same boat with us.  I know the additional loss of support from your man/partner/person has got to be painful.  I "pray" (wish) that we find strength and joy in the other connections that was have and CAN have on this planet.  Reaching out is so important.  Thank you again.  

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I’m kind of an only child now. I had a younger brother but he died in 2017. My father died that same year and now my mother passed away a few months ago, so I am completely alone in the world. I am married and have 3 young children so when I tell my husband I am completely alone, he doesn’t really understand because I have the family we have created together, but it’s not the same

I’ve been struggling and have now taken time off work. I’ve had to organise everything myself, my mum’s funeral, her estate etc. I thought I would be able to grieve properly at her funeral but because I had to organise it, it wasn’t cathartic like I imagined it would be. I feel like no one I know understands and I can tell my boss is relieved I have taken time off work because she just wants me “fixed”. My heart goes out to each and every one of you going through the same thing

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I wish my boss would care enough to want me to take a day off. I had taken a few days off the week my mom passed.  There was one particular assignment that I was used to handling. He told me he wanted to follow procedure and have me do it. I had to come in and work when all I wanted to do was sit home & cry. 
 

I wonder about what life will he like just like everyone else. I don’t know what to do. I shared more of myself with mom than anyone. She got my jokes. She knew my hobbies.  Now  I sit and talk to myself or talk to her.  Everyday is empty and sad but some days are absolutely miserable. 

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5 hours ago, Sarahismymom said:

I shared more of myself with mom than anyone. She got my jokes. She knew my hobbies.  Now  I sit and talk to myself or talk to her.  Everyday is empty and sad but some days are absolutely miserable. 

I know exactly what you mean. For me it's been about 4 weeks since my Mom passed and each day is just beyond bad. Yesterday might have been the worst. I also talk to myself, out loud, constantly. I still go over things I think I should have done or shouldn't have done in her final six weeks. I still go over her last day in my head on a loop.

Hope things get better for you soon.

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Chefnataliaaaa

Hi. Only child here. I was daddy’s princess and his only child. Papa passed away august 1st this year and man…. My best friend being gone has made me lose touch of reality. Seriously I haven’t felt the need to go to grieve group or therapy yet but now I need it. I’m having too many intrusive thoughts and I miss him so much everything hurts 

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10 hours ago, Chefnataliaaaa said:

My best friend being gone has made me lose touch of reality.  I'm having too many intrusive thoughts and I miss him so much everything hurts 

It is the same for me, a 60 year old male only child who never married or left home.  No partner, siblings, or close family.  For the last 21 years since we lost Dad shockingly in 2000, it's been just me and Mom until that horrific day 7/17.  That was the day I went permanently into "the equal of Hell" after Mom's 8 1/2 month ordeal in and out of hospitals and nursing homes, which had plenty of hell also.  She was my best and only true friend and the sole person in this world I loved deeply and felt safe and comfortable with, the only one who could heal any heartbreak or pain I had (I have more than ever now and can't run to her).  Being alone in the empty house day after day is frightening and taxing beyond words.  I constantly relive the horrors she went through with the ventilator and then the tracheostomy (Mom wanted desperately to eat and drink) and replay all the heartbreaking things she said at home for 5 months (she wasn't quite her old self after the cardiac arrest, but we did communicate).  Her heart gave out when I was taking care of her, a shocking horror that repeats and gets worse every day,  There is absolutely not a single person that I can turn to, including family - all they do is terrorize me about money and selling the house right away.  I had a huge panic attack after the last text message and can't even look anymore.  How am I going to deal with those nightmares when I can't sleep because of the dreams and flashbacks - today's flashback was so bad I thought I was having a heart attack.  I don't know how much more of this I can take at my age.  People seem to think I should be "over it" by now or at least getting better, but the horror of separation only gets worse by the minute (a massive separation anxiety since age 5 makes it even worse - we weren't allowed to see each other for 2 months because of the covid).  I've gone on long enough, and wish you any peace you can find.  I can't find any at all.            

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I’m looking for a little help. I lost my mom on September 29, 2021. She had had dementia and while I was sad it was a relief as I had been a caregiver. I should say I am 52 single with no children. Yesterday morning my dad who has been in declining health died. I found him and tried to revive him but it was too late. My mother’s sister and my father’s sister are both in their 80s and when I called them were highly critical and merely pointed out how alone I am. My best friend is unable to help me due to Covid restrictions and frankly she lost her dad last January and I don’t think she is able to support me right now. I don’t hold that against her. I do have fantastic coworkers who have reached out. But I don’t feel close enough to any of them to really cry and ask them to be with me right now. My father’s cat is distraught as am I. I brought him over to my very small four room house this morning and I’m trying to integrate him with my two cats. Dad‘s cat is very aggressive and mine are very passive. It’s only been a few hours but dad‘s cat is hiding inside my washing machine. Whenever I reach to try to pet him he growls hisses and attacks my hand. I don’t know what to do about the cat or all that I have facing me. My father had a lot of land and property but not a lot of money. I’ve already paid the Funeral home and I’m not having a wake or anything per his wishes. Not even an obituary. Perhaps I’ll have a memorial next spring for both of my parents. I am paralyzed with having to face insurance companies and find out how to deal with bank accounts and Social Security and eventually selling his property. I haven’t eaten in two days or even had anything to drink. I’m just numb and scared and alone right now and if anybody reads this in can offer any advice it would be appreciated. 

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