I’m so numb I can’t take it

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Ainslie said:

Me the over thinker and Andrew was the one who was the fly by the seat of your pants.

This was us too, we balanced each other.  I so miss his spontaneity.  

[Ainslie]

Today is 30 days since he’s been gone. He was alive in the morning and texted me 30 days ago. I wish it was a month ago and I had said or did something different that day and this would of never happened. This pain is getting worse and I can’t stop crying. I’m all alone in are house. I’m wearing his hoodies, I’m touching everything he touched,Just to feel him. I just don’t know what the point is of going on. I just want to die too. Not one single person in my family has reached out to me or even cares what I’m going through. I walk around like a zombie, like I don’t even exist without him. 

[Annabelloola]

Hi Ainslie, I’m Annabelle. I know how you feel. Obviously, not exactly, as our experiences differ. But I get the feeling. I lost my older brother 183 days ago. I have no idea how over half a year has passed already, it feels like only yesterday he was hugging me and telling jokes and laughing. I lost him to overdose and we don’t know if it was an accident or not yet, but I’m the only one who knew him well enough to talk to the coroner about his life, so I’m hoping I’ll get the chance to if I can be strong enough. Each day either drags on for what feels like a painful eternity, or flashes by in the blink of an eye. Time works strangely when they’re not there with you anymore. My brother wasn’t just my brother but my parent, my soulmate, my best friend and my whole world. He was only 3 years older, he passed aged 18 and would have turned 19 as of 36 days ago. I miss his hugs the most, he gave the best hugs. No one else ever hugged me because I wasn’t that close with anyone but him but even if they did, it doesn’t feel the same. I love my brother so much and he will always be my big brother. If anyone asks me if I have siblings, I’ll tell them I have a brother in the clouds. He hasn’t stopped existing, he just exists differently now. But it still hurts so badly. No one in my house talks about him, and it drives me insane. I have a therapist but an hour on a Tuesday isn’t enough. Grief is so strange and powerful it’s hard to do anything but cry. I’m struggling through major exams. There are no exceptions to allowances for me, I have to take these exams that determine my future in the midst of the most difficult time of my life. I don’t know what to do. I understand how you feel, wanting to join the person you lost wherever they are now. I’ve felt guilty so many times for reasons I make up in my head. I torture myself over his death and it’s unbearable. I understand. 
 

I hope you don’t feel so alone. I’m probably a lot younger than you but talking to people of any age who lost anyone at any time is so helpful. For me my grief is even fresher than the day I was told Cameron had passed away, and I sincerely disbelieve it will get easier any time soon. I cry at anything, I listen to the music he liked and scream and cry until I can’t speak and my eyes a heart and lungs and throat hurt and I want to sleep for a year and yet I still force myself out of bed ever morning since from the day he passed away what was expected of me never changed. I’m in so much pain and yet I’m still expected to do all my homework, talk and entertain people, listen to everyone else’s problems and minor annoyances and take exams, do chores and function like nothing happened. Everyone pretends like nothing happened and I hate them for it. I hate people who went about their days as usual on his birthday. And I hate Christmas since all I’m going to be able to think of when everyone is laughing and opening presents is how it will be the anniversary of the loss of the most precious person on earth to me.

[Ainslie]

Dear Annabelloola, I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is unbearable and it’s so horrible that there is nothing to do but cry. You and your brother are/ were so young. Me and my Andrew are 38. It’s not fair, we were suppose to grow old together. Life will never be the same. It makes me angry that I have no one to talk to about him, it’s like no one around me cares what I’m going through. I am here and I know everyone’s grief is different but at least we have each other to lean on. Sending you the biggest hug.

[Annabelloola]

Thank you so much Ainslie, you’re not alone either. It sounds like you and your partner were very close.. it’s always the ones we’re closest to, isn’t it? I hope you won’t mind me sharing a few thing I believe in that help.. I think you and Andrew will meet again someday, whenever you believe in, I think you’ll meet again in one way or another. When you live someone very much, I don’t believe that love every dies. We’re human and we all pass away at some point, and it’s scary and sad and painful and upsetting but I’ve always believed that what is beautiful is alive. Rocks have their purpose, like bodies, but they aren’t alive, just as bodies can’t live forever. Plants and nature lives but can’t live forever either. Maybe the beauty in in the fact that the beautiful parts of us renew. A few blades of grass may whither but the field remains. Your love for your partner is alive and it thrives, that’s why it hurts. When our bodies get old and fade away, it stops hurting, because then you’re both on the same plane. But we live in the meantime to keep that field going, to keep those flowers colourful. When we’ve done our job and we’ve appreciated the work of the withered blades, we too will whither and sink into the soil. And new blades will grow and the field keeps on. We get stepped and sat on, and when we stand by the empty space where the withered blade stood, we can look lonely and sparse, but we are still a part of the field. We don’t need to be the greenest or the highest, we just need to be there, and that’s all the effort required until we can join the soil. I believe in reincarnation, not like a rigid idea of it, but I think the clouds are made from our loved ones souls when they’re sad it rains, when they’re happy, well. They make way for the sun so you can be happy, and when the sun shines you’re warm, and even though they’re not there, you know they’ll be back to hug you with mist and fog, or share your pain with raindrops. And when a new place is ready for them, they leave the clouds and split. A part of who they were goes to you, another to the moon, and the last to their new life. So when they’re born again and they forget, the moon will always remember, and it’s their love that lives on the moon to remind you they’re not going anywhere.

 

again, thank you for reading if you got this far.. sending you a big hug aswell, and even if you don’t believe in the same things, I hope that helped you in some way. I hope when you see the moon at night you feel less alone. Your Andrew is there for you in the moon, and he rises every night to show you he’s doing okay, and to light up the dark for you like he used to. Maybe that’s why people always say there’s a man in the moon. Moon dust is just soul sand, you give the sun your warmth in the day, and that warmth is given to the moon, who reflects the light of it back to you. It may be a different form of communication, but it’s constant and it’s beautiful. I’ll keep you story in mind, and agin, lots of hugs. x

[Ainslie]

Thank you so much Annabellos, you are so wise for your years. I can’t believe you’re only 18. What you just wrote I will forever cherish. I see a letter A in the clouds all the time. A bird, a butterfly anything I believe is him trying to say hi. The pain is so raw and unbearable I truly want to die. I’m so sorry for what you are going threw. I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better but I want you to know I understand your pain and I will be praying and thinking of you. 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Ainslie said:

Not one single person in my family has reached out to me or even cares what I’m going through.

This is unreal!  It's hard for me to conceive how a family can be so uncaring!  I am so sorry.  I hope your friends are better.

[KayC]

@Annabelloola  I am so sorry for your loss as well.  Only 15, so young to go through this.  (((hugs)))  No fairness about it.

[Ainslie]

It’s been a horrible nightmare. Every day seems worse. I want to just disappear. I had a really rough day yesterday and drove 4 hours to go see my mom because I was scared I was going to harm myself. All I wanted was a hug, for her to say it’s going to be ok. That didn’t happen. She yelled at me, called me stupid and said that she never liked me. Mind you I have done everything for her. Taken care of her health, her house. My dad has been gone for a couple of years now and she doesn’t want to move so I would come and mow her 10 acres of land and plant flowers and take her shopping, doctor appointments you name it. And she has the nerve to tell me she doesn’t like me after I just lost my husband and came to her because I am suicidal. I don’t get it. How can my own mom say this to me especially right now. I got in my truck and drove back 4 hours crying my eyes out hoping I would crash and it would be all over. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t understand how I will go to the ends of the earth for anyone but my own family can’t even hug me. 

[KayC]

As someone who had a mom that always responded inappropriately, I continued trying, always hoping for what she could not give to me...motherly love/response.  It's very hard to not be able to count on that from your mom.  For whatever reason your mom seems to be this way too, I am so sorry.    I hope you have other friends/family that could more appropriately respond to you with support...it sounds like she just is not it.  II empathize more than you know, been there.  And for some crazy reason, I miss her...or perhaps the hope of her ever being there for me, if she were back she would likely still give the same inappropriate disappointing responses.  Sigh...nobody said life doled things out fairly.    Sending you virtual (((hugs)))

 

[Ainslie]

KayC thank you so much for all your support. I honestly have felt more from the people on here than I ever have from her. She demands me to do everything for her because I am her child but gives nothing in return. You would think in my time of need she would show some type of heart, I refuse to believe she doesn’t have one she just choose not to use it. 

[KayC]

I never knew the"why" of my mom's inappropriateness, I do know the filter she looked at life through was colored with severe paranoia and thus her responses were also distorted.  My aunt said she'd always been that way.  The most difficult person I ever met to deal with!  And I got her as a mom.  Yay.  But the converse could have been I not be born at all, so I guess I'll take it, what choice did I have anyway!  BTW, she once blamed me for being born when I was (two months early) "as people were already counting on their fingers!"  She had an affair with her BIL, left her husband and married my dad three months 27 days later.  Somehow this is MY fault?!  Just an example to show how inappropriate she was.  I was a child when she told me this.

Who knows if your mom is capable or not.  I have hopes that when I get to heaven she will be made right, the way God intended her to be, not the way she lived here.

[Ainslie]

KayC I question why people like my mom even become parents. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through as well. If I have learned anything from her it would be not being anything like her. And I see how caring and nice you are to all of us, that you’re nothing like your mother either. I guess we can take comfort in knowing that we are better people.

[Gail 8588]

Ainslie, 

I am so sorry that your mom did not comfort and support you.  It is hard to understand why people are the way they are.  But such a completely inappropriate response is truly a reflection of her impaired/deficient mental state.   Little consolation when you need that hug and word of comfort.

My mom and dad died many years ago, so there was really no one I could run to for support.  When a wave of despair knocks you down again, keep telling yourself "this will pass"  "I just need to keep breathing for the next few hours and this pain will let up."  Focusing on just breathing right now, can get you through some pretty rough times even if you don't have a person who can give you that loving embrace. 

I am sorry that you are in such pain.  One thought that sustained me when I was crumbling under the crushing pain of grief was that it is not possible that all the widows and widowers who truly loved their spouses could be in this much pain for the rest of their lives.  They had to have gotten better.  If they got better, I will get better too. 

Your grief will evolve too. It will not always be waves of seemingly unbearable loss.  It will become a memory you carry with you of a cherished part of your life that you wish had lasted longer. 

Hugs

Gail

[Ainslie]

Hi Gail. thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support. I swear the feeling of loneliness, grief and sadness is so unbearable. I just want one person to care. One person to hug me. I know in time it does ease up but for now it’s so raw. I don’t have friends, I tried to reach out to “family” my mom and sister and I got such a cold shoulder from both that it seems that the one person I had is gone so what’s the point of being here. He was all I needed because my family has been like this and it never bothered me because I had him to lean on and now he’s gone. I truly am alone.I tried to find a in person grief support group around me and there is no group. I found one that is 150 miles away and it only meets once a month. It seems every where I I try to find support is a dead end. 

[KayC]

What no one should ever have to go through...

[Diane R. E.]

7 hours ago, Ainslie said:

It seems every where I I try to find support is a dead end.

Hello Ainslie; I'm so sorry you are going through this. Although we can't give you a real hug, I'm sending virtual ones. Please know that all of us on this forum support you - please keep coming here to read, post, and to know you are not alone, even though we can't be with you in person. 

[tnd]

Ainslie:  My husband's family is among some of the coldest people I know. They were cold and rude to him when he was alive and to me too. When my husband was in the hospital I did call them every day with updates because I felt it was the right thing to do. But other than that and after he passed, I knew I couldn't turn to them for any sort of consoling. Besides, I view their coldness as a sort of "wickedness". I don't like being around or talking to wicked people. I only end up feeling angry and hurt if I do. So other than letting them know where I will be moving to I do not plan on keeping in-touch with them. At least not on any regular basis. I tell you all this because sometimes people need to know they aren't the only ones who encounter "coldness". But I also want you to know that you don't have to put up with it in order to move forward. Don't go where you know you aren't going to be comforted or listened to. I come here and have found everyone to be very supportive. Even tho it's not the same as getting a hug in-person or having a personal face-to-face conversation, all of us are going thru pain and grief and sharing thoughts, ideas and...HUGS. You're not likely to feel alone here or to be given the cold shoulder. I'd stay away from negative people, at least until you feel a little stronger.  *hugs to you*   

[Ainslie]

Dear tdn, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I have stayed away from my family because they have been horrible my whole life. I just thought for some reason it would be different because I just lost my husband and they would finally be there for me. Honestly I just went over there for a hug because I felt like I was going to do something to myself and had bad thoughts. It made me feel worse when I did go but when I was driving away I had such anger that I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of me killing my self because they wouldn’t care anyway. I’m just so grateful I have you all.

[steveb]

Ainslie, some more hugs coming your way.  Never forget that you are a special person who deserves respect and empathy.  Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
 

 

[foreverhis]

On 6/26/2021 at 6:09 AM, KayC said:

Who knows if your mom is capable or not.  I have hopes that when I get to heaven she will be made right, the way God intended her to be, not the way she lived here.

I mean this sincerely not as a platitude: That is one of the most Christian/human responses I can imagine.  To hope that those who hurt or harm us are made right when their time comes is truly charitable, IMO.

You really are a treasure, Kay.  ((hugs))

[tnd]

KayC and foreverhis:  My husband's faith was very strong. He said that (somewhere in the Bible) that when we go to Heaven, we are put there at our best, whenever "our best" was. He said God decides. That could be when we were infants, children, young adults or in our older age, whatever age or how we were that God decides. He added that we will have no memory of past pain or sorrow. Now, I used to have a dream that would repeat itself. Three friends of mine who were murdered would come to me in a dream and ask me to join them. They were smiling and all dressed up and looked real happy. They kept telling me that I needed to "see this place" and that I would really like it. Well, in the dream I would take a couple of steps towards them but then stop. I'd tell them I couldn't go, that I had some things to take care of but that maybe I'd catch up with them later. And then one of my friends would write a number down on a small piece of paper and hand it to me. He'd say, "just call and we will send someone for you". I don't know this place they spoke of but they were very happy about being there. I'd like to think they were in Heaven. 

Well, I always thought this dream was about them coming back and wanting me to join them in Heaven. But my husband said that no, once we go to Heaven we stay. Unless for some reason my husband said he hadn't heard of, God decides to let you "visit" and see your earthly loved ones. My husband went on to say that these dreams of my friends may be imposters wanting me to follow them and not to Heaven, if you get what I mean. That the devil works against us like this. Well, that kind of dampened any comfort I got from this dream but I'd still like to think they are in Heaven, in a good place and the happiest they've ever been. 

[tnd]

3 hours ago, Ainslie said:

I’m just so grateful I have you all.

And we are grateful to have you to talk to. None of us want to be here...but here we are. I don't know how we are to heal but I do know that every time someone opens up it helps me to open up, too. Thank you for sharing such personal experiences and emotional thoughts.   

[Ainslie]

Steveb, thank you so much for sending me hugs and your kind words. I literally fight my feelings to harm myself on a daily basis. It makes it hard when I’m all alone with no family or friends and don’t see the point of existing. Coming to this forum and seeing all of your kind words gets me through another day.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, tnd said:

Ainslie:  My husband's family is among some of the coldest people I know. They were cold and rude to him when he was alive and to me too. When my husband was in the hospital I did call them every day with updates because I felt it was the right thing to do. But other than that and after he passed, I knew I couldn't turn to them for any sort of consoling. Besides, I view their coldness as a sort of "wickedness". I don't like being around or talking to wicked people. I only end up feeling angry and hurt if I do. So other than letting them know where I will be moving to I do not plan on keeping in-touch with them. At least not on any regular basis. I tell you all this because sometimes people need to know they aren't the only ones who encounter "coldness". But I also want you to know that you don't have to put up with it in order to move forward. Don't go where you know you aren't going to be comforted or listened to. I come here and have found everyone to be very supportive. Even tho it's not the same as getting a hug in-person or having a personal face-to-face conversation, all of us are going thru pain and grief and sharing thoughts, ideas and...HUGS. You're not likely to feel alone here or to be given the cold shoulder. I'd stay away from negative people, at least until you feel a little stronger.  *hugs to you*   

Very sounds advice, I agree!  And it was a forum such as this where I found my most support and help.

16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I mean this sincerely not as a platitude: That is one of the most Christian/human responses I can imagine.  To hope that those who hurt or harm us are made right when their time comes is truly charitable, IMO.

You really are a treasure, Kay.  ((hugs))

Well as I told my sisters years ago..."As much as it sucks to be around her, think how much it must suck to BE her!  We can get away from her, she cannot."

[Ainslie]

I want to thank each and every one of you who take time out of your day and your grieving to be there for me in my time of need. Today has been one of the worst days. I keep trying to fight the crazy thoughts in my head to harm myself. I just want to be with my husband again. I don’t see the point of being here anymore by myself wasting space. I feel like I don’t exist without him. I just want god to take me. The pain is so unbearable. It’s been 33 days and It’s finally becoming real if that makes sense. I feel like I have been in a daze and confused and now I’m starting to realize he isn’t coming home ever. 

[tnd]

15 hours ago, Ainslie said:

I literally fight my feelings to harm myself on a daily basis. It makes it hard when I’m all alone with no family or friends and don’t see the point of existing. Coming to this forum and seeing all of your kind words gets me through another day.

Ainslie:  I had a similar day today where I questioned my own existence. Wondered if perhaps I just shouldn't be here. I've been literally alone for many months while my husband was hospitalized. And then he passed. Being alone is really really hard. But I signed on and started reading everybody's suggestions, thoughts and supportive comments not just to me but, to each other. And it made me lift my chin up a little. I'm here. You're here. We DO have friends here. Maybe not at home but they are here. 

[Ainslie]

Tnd,  thank you so much for sharing what you go through as well. I know everyone’s situation is different but it’s crazy how grief feels the same. I just can’t get over how empty I feel. I just don’t want to exist anymore 

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, Ainslie said:

I just can’t get over how empty I feel. I just don’t want to exist anymore 

I know what you mean. Felt the same way today. It's torture. The sadness and pain and having to think of things that have to be taken care of is torture. Make me feel ill. But then I had this weird moment...

My eye glasses have been broken for several months. Haven't been able to take them to be fixed but they are so old that I need a new lens prescription. That means paying for an eye exam and new pair of glasses and I just haven't been able to do that yet. Meantime, not even Superglue or Gorilla glue has worked on my broken frames. But a stupid piece of rubber tubing has. That's right! Rubber tubing! I have been so down today but looking at my glasses and that rubber tubing made me laugh. Go figure! Guess I'm okay for today. I want you to be okay too. And if you ever see someone with eyeglasses put together with rubber tubing, that might be me! Keep your chin up. We're here. 

[Ainslie]

Tnd, thank you so much for that. You managed to put a little smile on my face with your story. I know the feeling of having to do everything but can’t. My husband use to do everything, mow the bills you name it. He was the sole provider and now that income is gone. All the bills are starting to pile up, the grass needs to be done but I have no energy nor the will to do it. I have lost the joy and reason to live. People keep saying there is a reason why God wants you here but honestly I don’t see one.

[tnd]

1 hour ago, Ainslie said:

I have lost the joy and reason to live. People keep saying there is a reason why God wants you here but honestly I don’t see one.

Ainslie, I feel like I've lost my purpose too. Making my husband happy was my reason to get up in the morning. Now what? I will be moving in with my brother and his family and he said maybe my purpose now is just to be an aunt to my 2 teenaged nephews. Okay, I can look forward to that and be grateful that I won't be on the streets but this wasn't how this was suppose to go. So I am really questioning my faith in God right now too. My husband's faith was always stronger than mine and he believed God has a plan for each of us, whether we get to know what that plan is or not. I'd really like to know. But even so, it won't bring back my husband. I know I  need to cope and then move forward but it is already proving to be hard. That's why laughing over my broken eyeglasses and that stupid rubber tubing felt so weird. Hadn't laughed in a long time. It was very brief but was something. Even after I get new glasses I think I will keep these broken old ones. Just in case I need a laugh. I hope you muster up the strength to mow your yard. Maybe one section at a time. Just don't do it in the middle of the nite when you can't sleep. Neighbors probably get all over you for that. Same thing applies to early weekend mornings...good luck, girl. 

[Annabelloola]

On 6/26/2021 at 3:18 PM, Ainslie said:

KayC I question why people like my mom even become parents. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through as well. If I have learned anything from her it would be not being anything like her. And I see how caring and nice you are to all of us, that you’re nothing like your mother either. I guess we can take comfort in knowing that we are better people.

My mother was awful. At times she could be the best thing since sliced bread but I think she has some form of mental illness that’s undiagnosed, since she refuses to get help. My therapist thinks she has bipolar disorder, and gone unmedicated that can be quite dangerous. She drove while drunk once and crashed her car. It was at night, I have no clue what she was doing or why she was out there but I think she might’ve just got in the car for a drive when we were asleep. When we noticed the car was gone she said she’d finally decided to throw it out since it had all sorts of problems anyway. She kept it from us that she’d crashed. She spent that year ‘looking for a new car’ but she said she couldn’t find a good enough one. I now know that her licence had been suspended for a year. She kept lots from us, and didn’t like us seeing our dad even though he wanted and tried to see us. I think she does have bipolar. It’s instability, high highs followed by low lows emotionally, and sudden impulses. Sometimes she could be amazing, the best mother ever, then in a second she could switch back and she’d be shouting at us and blaming her problems on us. She called me all sorts of things like dirty cow and bitch, and said I turned out this way because she allowed me to see my dad eventually. I think this got to my brother, he started the arguments and everything and was put in care and I think because of his ADHD and autism he couldn’t work out which side of our mother was her genuine side, since she seemed low more than she was high. She already had clinical depression she was taking medicine for, but it didn’t seem to work. A lot happened to my brother and I think she set it off, but I don’t hold it against her. Even though she’d deny it or block it out that’s the truth. But I don’t hold it against her. She had a very rough childhood, too. She told me loads of stories. Her mother was a nurse and her father was a piano tuner. She was born in 1962 with a non identical twin sister. Her father’s mother had had red hair but she ran off with the milkman, and my mum thinks that since she had red hair, (it’s gone pale/ white now) she reminded him of her. Any road, her parents didn’t seem to like her too much in her stories. Her mother had had a still birth before the twins, she’d named the baby Clare. My mother was named after her. Her twin sister Allison was the favoured child and every argument was blamed on my mum, and at school she was asked why she couldn’t be more like her sister, so she rebelled. She was beaten by her parents sometimes and always bullied by her sister and by her cousin. So that must have been traumatic for her. And I don’t hold anything against her. I’m just still not ready to talk to her yet since she thinks everything was a minor understanding and I’m coming back but I’m not. I moved to my dads and I’m staying here.

Would anyone like a playlist of songs about losing someone? Nice and comforting ones are really hard to find when you search songs about loss, but I know some really nice ones, so if anyone wants, I could share them. They’re good for a cry and help you feel less alone. So again, if anyone wants, I can share :)

[Annabelloola]

1 hour ago, Annabelloola said:

My mother was awful. At times she could be the best thing since sliced bread but I think she has some form of mental illness that’s undiagnosed, since she refuses to get help. My therapist thinks she has bipolar disorder, and gone unmedicated that can be quite dangerous. She drove while drunk once and crashed her car. It was at night, I have no clue what she was doing or why she was out there but I think she might’ve just got in the car for a drive when we were asleep. When we noticed the car was gone she said she’d finally decided to throw it out since it had all sorts of problems anyway. She kept it from us that she’d crashed. She spent that year ‘looking for a new car’ but she said she couldn’t find a good enough one. I now know that her licence had been suspended for a year. She kept lots from us, and didn’t like us seeing our dad even though he wanted and tried to see us. I think she does have bipolar. It’s instability, high highs followed by low lows emotionally, and sudden impulses. Sometimes she could be amazing, the best mother ever, then in a second she could switch back and she’d be shouting at us and blaming her problems on us. She called me all sorts of things like dirty cow and bitch, and said I turned out this way because she allowed me to see my dad eventually. I think this got to my brother, he started the arguments and everything and was put in care and I think because of his ADHD and autism he couldn’t work out which side of our mother was her genuine side, since she seemed low more than she was high. She already had clinical depression she was taking medicine for, but it didn’t seem to work. A lot happened to my brother and I think she set it off, but I don’t hold it against her. Even though she’d deny it or block it out that’s the truth. But I don’t hold it against her. She had a very rough childhood, too. She told me loads of stories. Her mother was a nurse and her father was a piano tuner. She was born in 1962 with a non identical twin sister. Her father’s mother had had red hair but she ran off with the milkman, and my mum thinks that since she had red hair, (it’s gone pale/ white now) she reminded him of her. Any road, her parents didn’t seem to like her too much in her stories. Her mother had had a still birth before the twins, she’d named the baby Clare. My mother was named after her. Her twin sister Allison was the favoured child and every argument was blamed on my mum, and at school she was asked why she couldn’t be more like her sister, so she rebelled. She was beaten by her parents sometimes and always bullied by her sister and by her cousin. So that must have been traumatic for her. And I don’t hold anything against her. I’m just still not ready to talk to her yet since she thinks everything was a minor understanding and I’m coming back but I’m not. I moved to my dads and I’m staying here.

Would anyone like a playlist of songs about losing someone? Nice and comforting ones are really hard to find when you search songs about loss, but I know some really nice ones, so if anyone wants, I could share them. They’re good for a cry and help you feel less alone. So again, if anyone wants, I can share

Hi! So um... I made a playlist of songs for everyone. They’re not going to be to everyone’s tastes, but they’re mostly slow and melancholy, but comforting. It can be hard to find songs to listen and relate to that aren’t about breakups. All I want to listen to these days are sad songs because they share my mood, but I don’t want to listen to something about some random person in love with someone new, because that’s not what most of us here are looking for. There aren’t many songs about listing a sibling, but there are some that could be about any type of loss. I included these songs the most. I also included songs for the loss of a partner, friend, parent/ grandparent, so no matter who you’ve lost, this playlist should be as helpful as possible. I know it helps me to listen to music that reminds me of my brother, since sometimes I find it hard to cry, when I know I need to or it’ll build up. I use this music for grieving sessions to try as much as possible to keep my grief under control so I’m not crying at everything during the day. I hope these can help some of you, too. x 

 

[Ainslie]

8 hours ago, tnd said:

Ainslie, I feel like I've lost my purpose too. Making my husband happy was my reason to get up in the morning. Now what? I will be moving in with my brother and his family and he said maybe my purpose now is just to be an aunt to my 2 teenaged nephews. Okay, I can look forward to that and be grateful that I won't be on the streets but this wasn't how this was suppose to go. So I am really questioning my faith in God right now too. My husband's faith was always stronger than mine and he believed God has a plan for each of us, whether we get to know what that plan is or not. I'd really like to know. But even so, it won't bring back my husband. I know I  need to cope and then move forward but it is already proving to be hard. That's why laughing over my broken eyeglasses and that stupid rubber tubing felt so weird. Hadn't laughed in a long time. It was very brief but was something. Even after I get new glasses I think I will keep these broken old ones. Just in case I need a laugh. I hope you muster up the strength to mow your yard. Maybe one section at a time. Just don't do it in the middle of the nite when you can't sleep. Neighbors probably get all over you for that. Same thing applies to early weekend mornings...good luck, girl. 

Tnd, I’m glad you have your brother and the kids. Hopefully once you move in they will give you support and comfort you need. My husband was a religious man as well. As  for me, my faith is being tested on so many levels. People say God only gives you what you can handle but seriously I can’t handle this much pain. I feel like I’m being tortured every day. 

[Ainslie]

56 minutes ago, Annabelloola said:

Hi! So um... I made a playlist of songs for everyone. They’re not going to be to everyone’s tastes, but they’re mostly slow and melancholy, but comforting. It can be hard to find songs to listen and relate to that aren’t about breakups. All I want to listen to these days are sad songs because they share my mood, but I don’t want to listen to something about some random person in love with someone new, because that’s not what most of us here are looking for. There aren’t many songs about listing a sibling, but there are some that could be about any type of loss. I included these songs the most. I also included songs for the loss of a partner, friend, parent/ grandparent, so no matter who you’ve lost, this playlist should be as helpful as possible. I know it helps me to listen to music that reminds me of my brother, since sometimes I find it hard to cry, when I know I need to or it’ll build up. I use this music for grieving sessions to try as much as possible to keep my grief under control so I’m not crying at everything during the day. I hope these can help some of you, too. x 

 

Annabelloola, I’m truly sorry for everything that you’re going through. Not having the love and support of a mother is hard in any situation but in times of grieving is truly hard. I’m glad you have your father for support. Thank you so much for the music playlist. I think I will give it a try today. 

[Gail 8588]

Allabelloola, 

Thanks for the playlist.  That is a lot of songs!  Haven't made it all the way through yet, but there have been quite a lot that I really like.  Most of them are new to me, as I am a lot older than you. But I really have enjoyed them. 

Thanks

Gail

[Annabelloola]

22 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Allabelloola, 

Thanks for the playlist.  That is a lot of songs!  Haven't made it all the way through yet, but there have been quite a lot that I really like.  Most of them are new to me, as I am a lot older than you. But I really have enjoyed them. 

Thanks

Gail

I’m happy you’re liking them. I hope they help.

Lots of hugs and support, 

Annabelle

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

Making my husband happy was my reason to get up in the morning. Now what?

Exactly.  It took me years to see my "purpose" is to be here for each of you.  No it's not the same, nothing is.  I gave up comparing anything in life to what was.  I look for whatever good I can find.  Nothing is too small to count.  Last night it was my neighbors having me over for dinner & a movie in their A/C as it was 96 inside my house...we're having the hottest temperatures on record here (OR is not normally triple digits, let alone for so long)!  It's been insanely miserable but I lived through it.

Somehow we get through things when we can't see how and dread it.  

6 hours ago, Annabelloola said:

I use this music for grieving sessions to try as much as possible to keep my grief under control so I’m not crying at everything during the day. I hope these can help some of you, too. x 

 

I don't know how you did this, but thank you!  You're much more tech savvy than I am!  I've bookmarked and saved this!

[tnd]

10 hours ago, Ainslie said:

People say God only gives you what you can handle but seriously I can’t handle this much pain. I feel like I’m being tortured every day. 

Ainslee:  That's what I've been told too. Over the years I've had some pretty major stuff happen and kept telling God that it was enough, I couldn't handle any more. Well, He seems to have piled it on ever since and has kept going by calling my husband home to Heaven, taking him from me. This is by far the worst. So I am still asking, no, BEGGING that He help me get through this pain until my own time has come. Have to admit, kind of hard praying for help from the one who decided it was my husband's time. 

[Ainslie]

Dear tnd, everything you are saying I feel the same way. It’s so heartbreaking for all of us. I know that there are a lot of strong people on this forum but one of them I am not. It only has been a month but seems like an eternity. I don’t have the strength or the will to go on. The pain is unbearable and there is not a second of the day that I don’t cry. I feel broken and I know nothing will ever be good in my life without my husband. My faith is gone. Everyone has something to say. “It will get easier “ but I really don’t see how when the love of my life no longer is here next to me.

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, Ainslie said:

Everyone has something to say. “It will get easier “ but I really don’t see how when the love of my life no longer is here next to me.

I feel the same way, Ainslie. Today was no exception. My eyes are swollen and hurt, my throat is raw and my body aches. And that's just from sobbing, not my illness. And I guess I'm starting to feel some anger. With everything else I've gone through in this world, why do I have to go through THIS? Why now?? Thought we'd grow old together. And somehow I'm suppose to pick up the pieces and start taking care of a lot of things before I move. And then once I move, I am going to have to face yet more challenges and adjusting to living with family members and literally leave the life I had here with my husband behind. I do not understand the torment we are being put through, Ainslie. I do not like being tested, I already know that I'm a strong person. But gee whiz, I am tired. I didn't want or even need much. My husband and I lived a very modest and simple life. I don't want to give up and I don't think you really want to either. I just feel that way right now. At a real loss. And tomorrow is coming and I have a lot to do. Just hope it keeps my mind off this pain. Hope you find something to keep yourself busy with too. Just for a while. Thank goodness we can come here and get it out and receive some care. 

[Ainslie]

Dear tnd, I literally feel your pain and sorrow. I am truly sorry for everything you are going threw. I can’t imagine having to move and live with family. I can’t even stand going to the store to pick up a couple of things. I look around and see people living, laughing and I’m not jealous I just don’t want to be around people. I feel like a zombie walking around not knowing my purpose. I hope you have a smooth transition moving and your family will be good to you and it will help you ease your pain. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, tnd said:

People say God only gives you what you can handle but seriously I can’t handle this much pain.

That is one of the scriptures most taken out of context...it actually says with God's help, in other words, He wants to go through it with us.  But I agree with you, if people could handle it why is there suicide?  I do know I couldn't have survived without God in my life, but that first year I couldn't feel Him when I prayed, I later learned it was because nothing could get through my filter of immense grief!  I know not to go by feelings (with my head) but sometimes we DO need to feel Him there, I've learned to go by faith but never has it been so tested as this!

15 hours ago, tnd said:

  15 hours ago, Ainslie said:

Everyone has something to say. “It will get easier “ but I really don’t see how when the love of my life no longer is here next to me.

And of course you can't see it right now.  Easier is a relative term, there's nothing easy about this!  But the pain will eventually lessen in intensity.  Our bodies are most amazing what they can survive, as I've learned.  I could not see it either and it took more time than I can say.  I look back and have no idea how I survived, that early times especially.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Ainslie said:

there are a lot of strong people on this forum but one of them I am not.

NONE of us feel strong in this!

[tnd]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

Our bodies are most amazing what they can survive, as I've learned.  I could not see it either and it took more time than I can say.  I look back and have no idea how I survived, that early times especially.

KayC:  Your journey is one of endurance, faith and hope. We are fortunate to have you on here to share your experience and knowledge. It helps, even on days when I think nothing can. I want to cry and break down, I am so tired. Having a chronic illness doesn't help. But I come on here and through the tears I see some light. It's very very difficult so thank you for being here. Really! You are like a lifesaver!  

[Magda]

Ainslie... I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. My boyfriend essentially committed suicide by switching from alcohol to huffing dust off. They found 65 cans in his room. He too said he loved me, he wouldn't put me through another relapse, wanted to make me happy, and then this happened. He died last Thursday.

We talked of getting married and had our whole lives ahead of us. 

I've been going through so many emotions. Shouting at him one moment, pretending I can go into the past the next. I feel it took me a lifetime to find him... I'm 41... and like that he was ripped away. 

I only find solace in the realization that whether in a day or in 50 years, I'll die eventually. I always felt that way because for much of my life I didn't want to be here. He was the light in my life and I really don't know what my purpose is anymore. I don't have children. I too, am just a zombie. I fear death even less than I did before. After this, what is there to fear, really? Everything has already been taken away. What can you take away from someone who has essentially, lost everything?

I try to feel he's with me, and I talk to him. And, I believe he's waiting for me, along with his dog, my father, and my Grandma. And at some point my mother will join them. That's the only way I can cope. 

But you're not alone. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, tnd said:

I want to cry and break down, I am so tired.

And it's okay to, I did plenty of that!  And you're right, having chronic illness only adds to it.

8 hours ago, Magda said:

After this, what is there to fear, really?

For sure!  Huffing is very dangerous, I'm surprised he lived through huffing so much as long as he did.  It doesn't sound like he committed suicide intentionally but his actions put him there regardless.  SO HARD for those who love him and are left behind.  I have a sister who commits what I call "passive suicide" by inaction, her not doing what she needs to do to LIVE.  It's very hard to watch.  I've talked to her about it, I understand where she's at, she lost her husband nine months ago, but she's been this way for many years.

 

9 hours ago, Magda said:

I try to feel he's with me, and I talk to him. And, I believe he's waiting for me, along with his dog, my father, and my Grandma. And at some point my mother will join them. That's the only way I can cope. 

Me too.  And I've always said, "If you know something different, don't tell me."  I need my faith and hope to survive.  It's one thing we humans need.

[tnd]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I have a sister who commits what I call "passive suicide" by inaction, her not doing what she needs to do to LIVE. 

KayC:  If you don't mind me asking, is this the same sister with dementia that you've been helping? You have a very full plate...or overflowing. I think my husband was a little like your sister when his first wife passed. I didn't come into the picture until 3 years later. The first time he let me see his house I walked in and immediately knew "this man is grieving and grieving hard!" He had his late wife's young adult son living with him and yet, between the 2 of them they had not cleaned the place in 3 years. Three years!! It was so unhealthy and so heartbreaking. Do you suppose that was a form of passive suicide? I'm sure my husband probably felt like how I am feeling right now when he lost his first wife. 

[KayC]

Yes, same sister.  I drove 120 mile round trip to go get her and bring her home yesterday, had to wait two hours for them to get her oxygen, then when she got home the "oxygen guy" came and brought her more, held her up from having the dinner I'd made  her for two hours!  Then a neighbor came and held her up another two hours and the phone rang off the hook.  She didn't eat dinner until 10.  I wouldn't have answered the phone.

When I'm done here I'm taking Kodie (puppy) down to see her while I pay her bills and get her pills ready for the week, and take her a pot of homemade soup she can eat.

I imagine your husband did feel the same.  

[Ainslie]

Magda, I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband was 38, his birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. He would of been 39. We are very close in age and I truly feel your pain. We talked about growing old together and laughed about who would count who’s wrinkles and now this. I can’t wrap my head around it. I feel like I’m in a horrible dream or there’s some mistake and he will come home. It’s crazy how your heart doesn’t want to except what you’re brain is telling you. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are not alone, hugs