No one really knows me

[june483]

Its been 15 months.  Took me 9 months to accept that it was really true, and that he is really gone.  Now I look around and realize that he is the only. person in my life that really understood me.  We did everything together and life was so much fun.  Now I am just flapping in the wind and realizing that other people are so annoying and superficial and if I hang around them too long they drive me crazy.  All the single people are depressed.  I have no one to vent to about life's little stresses.  I hate this new life and I just feel like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole, like I don't belong, and why do I even exist, I have no purpose. I miss him so much and am sick of carrying around and trying to always suppress this pain in my gut.  Thanks for letting me vent.

[Gail 8588]

June483, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  

Those of us on this site had the wonderful experience of getting to live with someone who loved and understood us, and who we loved and understood, in a profound way.  We had our soul mates.  Not that everything was perfect in our relationship, but our being together was so right in so many ways. 

Losing that soulmate is life shattering for the life we shared and for the future we had ahead.  

We all struggle to find a way to go on without our partner. Come here and vent all you need to. We get it.   You are not alone in this pain.  You are not crazy for feeling like you do.  

We are shattered too, but we will give you what comfort and support we can. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

June, I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing we've been through, the thing that turns us to this cyber family that "gets it."  I wish we were all out enjoying our partner on this beautiful day instead.  As Gail said, it shatters us.  I am glad you've found your way here and hope you'll continue to come and read/post as you desire, we want to be here for you.  It's been 16 years next month for me (Father's Day 2005) and I want to be here for others going through it as I will never forget how hard it was...still is in many ways but I've gotten used to living alone by now. 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Mars40]

14 hours ago, june483 said:

Its been 15 months.  Took me 9 months to accept that it was really true, and that he is really gone.  Now I look around and realize that he is the only. person in my life that really understood me.  We did everything together and life was so much fun.  Now I am just flapping in the wind and realizing that other people are so annoying and superficial and if I hang around them too long they drive me crazy.  All the single people are depressed.  I have no one to vent to about life's little stresses.  I hate this new life and I just feel like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole, like I don't belong, and why do I even exist, I have no purpose. I miss him so much and am sick of carrying around and trying to always suppress this pain in my gut.  Thanks for letting me vent.

i think you are  brave admitting that at 15 months, i.m just admitting that now after three years.  People around you go back to living their lives which they should and you feel like your world of comfort and what you held reliable to lift you up is gone and the one personal who can change you out of the mood because he knows you the best is gone and they change can be unbearable.   Seek medical help and talk to someone who can go through these steps with you professionally then hopefully you gut eases and you can add small changes into your life.

[LMR]

On 5/23/2021 at 10:20 AM, june483 said:

Its been 15 months.  Took me 9 months to accept that it was really true, and that he is really gone.  Now I look around and realize that he is the only. person in my life that really understood me.  We did everything together and life was so much fun.  Now I am just flapping in the wind and realizing that other people are so annoying and superficial and if I hang around them too long they drive me crazy.  All the single people are depressed.  I have no one to vent to about life's little stresses.  I hate this new life and I just feel like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole, like I don't belong, and why do I even exist, I have no purpose. I miss him so much and am sick of carrying around and trying to always suppress this pain in my gut.  Thanks for letting me vent.

I am thinking about this a lot lately. It was nine months last week that I lost my love. I still can't believe it is true. It feels so wrong. So nonsensical. 

My sister was supposed to be coming to stay a while but the travel restrictions haven't  been lifted. This will be the fourth time we have cancelled. I was going to go back and live with her. Now I have to wait again and I find myself wondering what use I am to her. My life consists of watching tv to keep me from thinking. I would drive her crazy. I dont want to hurt her  but I feel like I should just vanish.

[june483]

I think we are different people now than we were before.  I feel like we are just getting to know ourselves and other people all over again.  That is why everyone says not to make any major decisions the first year.  I also use TV and loud music to prevent my mind from wandering.  Keeping busy and getting through the day is key. Try staying with her on a trial basis maybe before you make things permanent.  Things are finally sinking in these past couple of months for me. It is still not pretty but it is my new reality and I'm am still trying to adjust.  We will get through this, after all, it is almost half the population's destiny.  

[widower2]

On 5/23/2021 at 1:20 PM, june483 said:

I have no one to vent to about life's little stresses.

Thanks for letting me vent.

   For whatever it's worth, we are here. You are welcome to do so any time. We "get it." Allow yourself time. You need it. And are more than entitled. 

[TimeOut]

I've been having this same feeling exactly.  My husband was the only person who "got" me. The only person who could explain other people's actions to me, the only person who made me feel normal.  Lately I've been experiencing "social anxiety". I feel wierd around people, even friends and family whom I've known forever. It's making an already tough adjustment process even tougher. I'm finding it helps to just tell people up front: "I'm not myself right now". Most people seem to understand.

[Mars40]

3 hours ago, TimeOut said:

I've been having this same feeling exactly.  My husband was the only person who "got" me. The only person who could explain other people's actions to me, the only person who made me feel normal.  Lately I've been experiencing "social anxiety". I feel wierd around people, even friends and family whom I've known forever. It's making an already tough adjustment process even tougher. I'm finding it helps to just tell people up front: "I'm not myself right now". Most people seem to understand.

So

 

3 hours ago, TimeOut said:

I've been having this same feeling exactly.  My husband was the only person who "got" me. The only person who could explain other people's actions to me, the only person who made me feel normal.  Lately I've been experiencing "social anxiety". I feel wierd around people, even friends and family whom I've known forever. It's making an already tough adjustment process even tougher. I'm finding it helps to just tell people up front: "I'm not myself right now". Most people seem to understand.

So true, any ideas as to why we get "social anxiety", I think part of mine was people looking at me differently and that changing.  Id like to hear what other peoples thoughts are?

[KayC]

20 hours ago, june483 said:

I think we are different people now than we were before.

For sure.

[june483]

4 hours ago, Mars40 said:

So true, any ideas as to why we get "social anxiety", I think part of mine was people looking at me differently and that changing.  Id like to hear what other peoples thoughts are?

Our whole world has changed - some things I thought were important seem so trivial -  I loved being home and having nothing to do all day -now I hate it - I used to be easygoing and relaxed and now I am all serious - - I get socially anxious because people are going to talk about things that I am just not interested in and I do not have it in me to laugh politely and pretend to be engaged, it is all so draining. Plus, truth be told, my husband was the outgoing fun guy so when I got bored in a gathering I could go hang out with him for a bit of respite.  Maybe deep down I just don't really like being around people, this scares me the most I guess, I have no buffer.

[LMR]

2 hours ago, june483 said:

Our whole world has changed - some things I thought were important seem so trivial -  I loved being home and having nothing to do all day -now I hate it - I used to be easygoing and relaxed and now I am all serious - - I get socially anxious because people are going to talk about things that I am just not interested in and I do not have it in me to laugh politely and pretend to be engaged, it is all so draining. Plus, truth be told, my husband was the outgoing fun guy so when I got bored in a gathering I could go hang out with him for a bit of respite.  Maybe deep down I just don't really like being around people, this scares me the most I guess, I have no buffer.

This is so much like me. I have difficulty hearing in groups of people. My husband would make sure I wasn't left out. He would stay by my side. He was never put out by having to help me. He was always outgoing and so full of life and fun, people hardly noticed me, but it never mattered before. I was the one that could make him laugh every day. 

Its not that I don't like people, I do, but so often I am out of my depth and it is frightening.

[Mars40]

13 hours ago, june483 said:

Our whole world has changed - some things I thought were important seem so trivial -  I loved being home and having nothing to do all day -now I hate it - I used to be easygoing and relaxed and now I am all serious - - I get socially anxious because people are going to talk about things that I am just not interested in and I do not have it in me to laugh politely and pretend to be engaged, it is all so draining. Plus, truth be told, my husband was the outgoing fun guy so when I got bored in a gathering I could go hang out with him for a bit of respite.  Maybe deep down I just don't really like being around people, this scares me the most I guess, I have no buffer.

So true.

 

14 hours ago, june483 said:

Our whole world has changed - some things I thought were important seem so trivial -  I loved being home and having nothing to do all day -now I hate it - I used to be easygoing and relaxed and now I am all serious - - I get socially anxious because people are going to talk about things that I am just not interested in and I do not have it in me to laugh politely and pretend to be engaged, it is all so draining. Plus, truth be told, my husband was the outgoing fun guy so when I got bored in a gathering I could go hang out with him for a bit of respite.  Maybe deep down I just don't really like being around people, this scares me the most I guess, I have no buffer.

I agree, very hard to engage. thanks for sharing

[KayC]

Also, we used to be part of a couple in a couples world, now we're not and sometimes feel like odd man out.  Plus gone are the invitations...

[South Carolina]

On 5/23/2021 at 1:20 PM, june483 said:

Its been 15 months.  Took me 9 months to accept that it was really true, and that he is really gone.  Now I look around and realize that he is the only. person in my life that really understood me.  We did everything together and life was so much fun.  Now I am just flapping in the wind and realizing that other people are so annoying and superficial and if I hang around them too long they drive me crazy.  All the single people are depressed.  I have no one to vent to about life's little stresses.  I hate this new life and I just feel like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole, like I don't belong, and why do I even exist, I have no purpose. I miss him so much and am sick of carrying around and trying to always suppress this pain in my gut.  Thanks for letting me vent.

I feel the same way. It’s been seven months & it feels like seven years. I still find myself breaking down on occasion out of no where. So overwhelmed with her absence I have absolutely no joy in my life. My life is meaningless. Only thoughts of her remain. Too old to start over again. There would be no point!

[Sparky1]

4 hours ago, South Carolina said:

So overwhelmed with her absence I have absolutely no joy in my life. My life is meaningless. Only thoughts of her remain.

South Carolina, you took the words right out of my mouth. I keep saying these things you said out loud over and over. For me I break down more often like a little child. I still can't accept losing my wife.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, South Carolina said:

It’s been seven months & it feels like seven years.

This week has felt like a year to me.  My disabled sister fell and broke six ribs.  I am barraged with phone calls, emails, from neighbors, her friends, our family, all wanting me to take her in and I cannot take that on...neither for my own physical limitations and well being, my home is not geared for it, I've been working hard on my BP and it went up 70 points after her fall!  I do not want a stroke or heart attack, I have no one to care for me either.  I'm trying to get her help after she gets home from the hospital but she is resistant to any suggestions, another reason I can't take her in.  I never asked to be in this situation.  None of us ever asked to be in the situations we're in!  I never wanted to grow old alone.  A counselor asked me today what advice George would have given me.  He wouldn't give me advice, he'd help me, he was the most caring helpful person I've ever met.

It's weird how time plays tricks on our mind, when we're in a hard place, it warps it!