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Major life stressors in addition to losing your love


Seabrook

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I'm at Level 1 evacuation, they didn't send the alert to me, I've signed up for them three times, wrote them, etc, a friend in Oakridge called me, it's all over our town's page now but my data ran out so will have to buy $10 more to last the next three days of my cycle, not even knowing if I'll be here, just to get info.

Never heard from my son.

This is the week I'm supposed to take care of my friend's Husky, I do not need that right now.  They're flying to Montana for her dad's funeral.  Really, in the middle of fire evacs?

And I do not need my sister's issues.  Went yesterday and did her dishes, took out her garbage, cleaned out her sink.  She lives in filth and does NOTHING for herself!  Her neighbor called last night and went on about how stubborn, willful, lazy, deceptive, manipulative she is...throw in lack of common sense and wisdom and she has her pegged.  Play on words, ha (Peggy)!  She said she'll take her to the denturist Friday on the condition she go look at two care facilities as well.  Good.

Did your SIL arrive yet?

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Jemiga70
On 8/8/2021 at 9:35 AM, tnd said:

I don't know why but "family" seems to be missing in our lives right now.

My heart and prayers go out to all of you who aren't getting the support from family that you need right now. I cannot understand how some people can behave in such unreasonable - and sometimes - cruel ways. Energy vampires too, as @tnd put it. The only thing that would make my loss even worse would be if I didn't have the support of my family and my wife's. I thank God every day for that. I know many many others are going through an even more difficult time because their family aren't there for them. Maybe NOT having the support of my family would throw me over the edge; perhaps I'm not as strong as I think I am. Perhaps those of you who are struggling without the support of family are much stronger.

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Gail 8588

Glad to know you both are safe. 

Sounds like lots of extra firefighters have been brought in to stop the Kwis fire.  Hopefully your house will be saved.

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10 minutes ago, KayC said:

Kodie and I evacuated last night, drove to my daughter's in Eugene,

KayC:  Thank God you and Kodie are safe!! I am so very very sorry about this whole crisis and the risk to your home. One thing at a time now...first keep you & Kodie safe. Come on here for support. Let us know how you are feeling and what is going thru your mind. What do you need that maybe we can provide on here? I want to so badly hug you and to console you and just hold your hand. I'll cry with you.  

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Diane R. E.

Kay; I'm so glad to hear you are Kodie are safe. Sending prayers for you and your home.

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Gail 8588

 Yes, your town and so many others. 

So glad you and Kodie are safely at your daughter's home.  I hope the authorities will be able to allow you to return home soon. (And that you have a home to return to.)

I know how anxiety ridden the next few days will be.  My husband and I evacuated from Hurricane Matthew in 2016.  Our wood frame home, built in 1897, had a first floor elevation of 7 ft above sea level.  They were predicting 12 ft storm surge at my house, which almost certainly would lift the house off it's foundation. The structure would not survive such a storm. Fortunately, Matthew stayed further off shore, storm surge was only 6 ft at my house, our home escaped without major damage.  But the days of waiting were excrutiating, it was 8 days before we were allowed back on the island to check on our property. 

The fires may take awhile to be sufficiently under control to allow residents back in.  It will be challenging to be living in limbo, not knowing the fate of your home.  

I am sending you strength, courage and patience. 

Gail

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Ever survive a tornado? I've been through a few of them. One time a tornado came way too close for comfort. Just hunkered down and listened to it ravage everything. Was scary. You feel paralyzed. Then, after it passed and it was quiet, we all went outside to see the damage and holy smoke. Debris everywhere. People crying. Well, I don't know how to really explain it but a sort of giddiness came over me. I felt SO GLAD to be ALIVE! Just the very fact that we were alive felt good. 

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3 minutes ago, tnd said:

Ever survive a tornado? I've been through a few of them. One time a tornado came way too close for comfort. Just hunkered down and listened to it ravage everything. Was scary. You feel paralyzed. Then, after it passed and it was quiet, we all went outside to see the damage and holy smoke. Debris everywhere. People crying. Well, I don't know how to really explain it but a sort of giddiness came over me. I felt SO GLAD to be ALIVE! Just the very fact that we were alive felt good. 

Eleven years ago my wife and I went up to our camp and she was parking when a tornado crossed right in front of her vehicle. Thankfully it just missed us, but our trailer got damaged and caused massive damage throughout the park. There were trees everywhere, trailers became rubble, and some we witnessed being lifted away and smashed to little pieces. Only a few people got minor injuries but the park was closed for two months for cleanup. A lot of buildings in town had major damage, it looked like a war zone. We got a new mobile home and Florida room as the old one had some nasty damage to it. My wife loved it up there and so do I but now it's not the same without her being there.

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9 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

We got a new mobile home and Florida room as the old one had some nasty damage to it. My wife loved it up there and so do I but now it's not the same without her being there.

Sparky1:  I'd find it hard to go back there too. I've been having a hard time just looking at our apartment. We were only here for 3 years. We took our time picking it out (researched a whole year). And then we hardly got to enjoy it. We had plans. Told ourselves we could live here forever. So even if I could afford to stay I wouldn't. Hurts too much. I literally avoid looking at the walls or details of the place. There's no longer any enjoyment in it. So yes, I know what you mean about it not being the same without your wife.    

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Mllewhimsy
On 8/8/2021 at 12:46 AM, KayC said:

 

Peggy never even thanked me for the soup I brought.  It's like she thinks I SHOULD just do all this!  No.  I do not owe her anything.  She said, "But you are YOUNGER than me!"  What the hell has that got to do anything!  I told her at my age (actually the last 28 years) she just SAT in her chair and read or talked on the phone.  Seriously.  No cleaning, nothing.  Nothing says I'm her slave because I'm her sister.  She didn't even bring me to the hospital when my husband was dying, choosing instead to go gamble at the casino (I'd ridden to the coast with her for sisters' weekend, not knowing my husband would have a heart attack).  It was TWO DAYS before she took me to the hospital and dropped me off...I never got to have that "last conversation" with him.  She tried to rewrite history about that, I would not let her.

Jeez, the entitlement here, seriously. Unless she's contributed something significant- then no, you absolutely don't owe her anything. 

She seems to have a pretty bad attitude tbh.

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Gail 8588
1 hour ago, tnd said:

Ever survive a tornado? I've been through a few of them. 

Tnd, 

Yes, I have lived through several tornados.  I lived in Kansas City Kansas and later in Chicago and had roofs torn off the houses my family was in (both houses had basements, which made you feel somewhat safe, until the roof came off and rain started pouring in.)  Also a tornado in Hurricane Kate, in 1985, destroyed our house while we were in it. Our son was only 6 months old and one huge pine tree crashed into the nursery and broke the crib he was in. But the baby was not hurt.  Eight huge trees fell on our house in Kate, more in the yard. Our neighbors thought we were killed. 

Tornados are more terrifying than Hurricanes, in my opinion. 

Yes, you do have an appreciation for having survived that is hard to put into words.

Gail

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They said this morning it could be weeks, meanwhile more fires have started nearby and the very close town of Westfir also evacuated.

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Gail 8588
8 hours ago, KayC said:

They said this morning it could be weeks, meanwhile more fires have started nearby and the very close town of Westfir also evacuated.

Kay, 

Try not to get too discouraged.  They often give the longest projection, as they don't want people to expect a shorter time and then get angry when it goes a little longer. 

I'd try to plan a week at a time.  By next week, you will have more information.  Next week there may be FEMA funds for temporary housing, you could maybe move to your son's house or another family member. Or your daughter may say, stay here for another week. 

Psychologically it is somehow easier in defined segments, at least for me. 

Rest when you can. This is another trauma.  It is exhausting. 

Hugs

Gail 

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Gail 8588

Kay,

You may want to call your homeowners insurance agent and discuss your policy to see if it does include money for temporary housing if you are in a mandatory evacuation area,  and/or if it covers longer tern housing assistance if your home is damaged in the fire.  If there is coverage, find out what documentation they will need to process the claim. 

Hopefully you will not need either, but it is helpful to know what options are available.  Even if there is no housing benefit under  the policy, it is best to confirm that to know for sure what you are dealing with, rather than just assuming.  

Most important right now is that you and Kodie are safe. 

Hugs

Gail

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19 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Yes, I have lived through several tornados.  I lived in Kansas City Kansas and later in Chicago and had roofs torn off the houses my family was i

Gail 8588:  When I was younger I use to live in Kansas City too. I was based there at the airport (KCI) when I worked for an airlines. And that happens to be where I encountered a couple of tornadoes. And in Texas. 

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6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Psychology it is somehow easier in defined segments, at least for me. 

Gail 8588:  Your suggestion can be applied to a lot of stressful situations or even grief. That is what I've been trying to do, taking it in small segments. 

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Gail 8588
On 8/12/2021 at 10:08 AM, KayC said:

They said this morning it could be weeks, meanwhile more fires have started nearby and the very close town of Westfir also evacuated.

The news I have been able to find sounds like they made a lot of progress with the fires in your area.  

Any word on your home?  Any indication that you can go check on your property, or when you might get to go home?

Hugs

Gail  

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IDK, they are making progress but no news on lifting the evacuation, I'm with my daughter for now but Kodie and I miss home!  I have a neighbor that stayed and he's reporting to me and two of them keeping an eye out on the homes.

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Gail 8588
5 minutes ago, KayC said:

. . .  I have a neighbor that stayed and he's reporting to me . . . 

Kay,

I am so glad you have word from your neighbor about the situation at your home.  It is HUGE to know your home still exists!  

The anxiety of not knowing for days was really hard on us in Hurricane Matthew. On day 2 after the storm, TV news helicopters were photographing destroyed homes in our area and we took some comfort that our house wasn't being featured. But we didn't know for sure. 

It was 8 days before we were allowed on the island.  We had 3 broken windows, lots of debris in our yard (other people's docks, fences furniture and such that had floated our way). All the rain that had come into our house during the storm made a mouldy mess of carpet and furniture in the 8 days of no electricity.  But it was a huge relief that our home was still there. 

So glad you know the status of your home.  Hoping you get the all clear to return soon!

Gail

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

IDK, they are making progress but no news on lifting the evacuation, I'm with my daughter for now but Kodie and I miss home! 

KayC:  Glad to see your update. This has got to be pretty stressful for you and Kodie. Just what you need, right, more stress. But really, having to flee with just a few of your belongings would be very upsetting and physically draining. And scary. I'm glad that you were at least able to go to your sisters and are safe. Pray your house is still there when this is over. Summer should be filled with joy and fun. This summer unfortunately, has sucked. Just because we've weathered storms in our lives before doesn't mean we don't dread them. 

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@KayC I hope you are able to go home soon. Last night I woke up and could smell the smoke. I had the windows closed and yet it was really strong. I felt quite frightened for a while even though I am about 80 miles away. Everything has been blanketed in smoke for a few weeks now. Summers never used to be this bad. When did they start referring yo it as "fire season" like its something normal?

I hope you and Kodie are doing ok.

Hugs

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I unpacked, I am SICK of living out of bags/suitcases!  I want some normal.  What is that?  I will have to repack but will be much lighter about it.  Too tired to care anymore.

KayC:  I am relieved to know you and Kodie are safe and that your home was there waiting for you. Sorry to hear about the mess, tho. That would tick me off too, having to perform a big cleanup job like that. And at a time like this, when you are already exhausted. I would have looked at Kodie and told him he has to get out the mop and help. Too bad the ice cream wasn't still cold, he could have at least licked it up for you. 

Glad your sister Peggy is okay but wish it were you that could be waited on now. You deserve some real pampering! Why do I get the feeling you are going to tell George all about this? Hope you get some rest and sleep now. Hope your refrigerator isn't broken so you can get fresh food and eat. I've always eaten baked beans after putting them on the stove for a bit. Discovered that I will eat them regardless! Right out of the can! Not ideal but hey...survival. And YOU are the Survival Queen! But please go rest now. 

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Gail 8588

After living in Florida for many years through many hurricanes and evacuations, one of the time saving tips I have learned is to put everything in the freezer in a large trash bag and place the bag back in the freezer, with the open end of the bag securely on top.   If I never lose electricity, all my frozen foods are safe and can just be unpacked from the bag and stacked in the freezer again.  But if the electric goes off for an extended time, clean up is easy, the whole trash bag goes in the garbage. No mess! 

(I do the same with the things in the fridge that will be a mouldy mess such as  fruits and veggies, meat, eggs etc.)  It really makes cleanup much nicer if it's all been in a hot box for a week. 

Sorry I didn't mention it before you evacuated. 

Gail

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It's okay, everything was stuck together, the trash bag would have just ripped, freezer was still working hard, it was a huge mess to clean up, I waited untiil today to do it.  Glad that's done, even cleaned the kitchen floor and bathrooms, did a load of laundry.  This afternoon I'm going to make a Keto Pizza from scratch.  Last night they downgraded us to a Level 1!  Praying it holds.  They're by no means contained and there's a lot of nearby fires.

So happy to be home with my kitchen/appliances!  About to walk Kodie.

This is my weather forecast this week, the best I've seen in MONTHS!  I could get used to this!  https://forecast.weather.gov/MapClick.php?lon=-122.41158872593141&lat=43.802891161925544

They did have drizzle forecast for last night & this morning but no such luck, it was supposed to be 83 yesterday but was 90 by morning!

Oh and our garbage man had a heart attack last week so my garbage never got picked up, one can every two weeks, it's been three weeks now and no idea when it will be.

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Mllewhimsy

Oh KayC, that sounds horrible indeed. I've never had anyone in dementia in my life, so I can only imagine how hard it is. I'm sure this is really trying your patience, but keep at it. I hope you find whoever supplies her the sweets and tell them to not give her those any more.

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On 8/16/2021 at 8:02 PM, Gail 8588 said:

But if the electric goes off for an extended time, clean up is easy, the whole trash bag goes in the garbage. No mess! 

Gail 8588:  That is a very good tip! 

6 hours ago, KayC said:

She's found an enabler somewhere. 

KayC:  That's actually good because now you can tell her to just call her enabler when she needs food! (sarcasm) But really, put it to her that way and see how long that lasts.  

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So just when I said I bring her more food to be wasted/thrown out, she tells me she ate the BBQ & (new) soup I'd brought her when she came home, and how she loved it and appreciated it!  Sigh...such is dementia.

When she came home she "forgot" how to call me, yesterday she talked to me three times, an hour each time.  She wants me to stop by after church, I will for a short time but must get home and let Kodie out soon after.  I hope she took care of paying her M/C this month, Lord knows what else was forgotten, I can only write checks to the bills she kept and I get to see!  She really needs to be in a care center where she can be fed and watched.

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

She really needs to be in a care center where she can be fed and watched.

KayC:  It is probably time for that but is she willing? Does she have to be the one to initiate the move? She'd probably refuse because she has you and then whoever has been getting her the sweets she shouldn't be eating. In her mind, she probably thinks she has all that she needs and everything is going just swimmingly. 

Funny, some don't want to go to a place where they could be cared for while some of us wouldn't mind it. Or at least an assisted living place. But those cost big bucks. 

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I looked at the figures for assisted living...she's not on medicaid, but neither can she afford $6,000/month.  It would not begin to be of help to her as her dementia progresses.  It'd mean selling her house, I am not up to doing that and cleaning out her place would cost thousands of dollars IF one could find someone able to do that.  If she would just hire a caregiver to help her around the place and drive her to appts. that is all she needs right now.  I could still help her pay her bills or go to the grocery store for her, but I can't be counted on in the wintertime as the snows come.

 

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My life is all about taking care of Peggy and her dementia, doctor's appts, each one requiring a lengthy trip to the city, taking up a whole day.  I'm to have foot surgery 9/2 and she wants me to drive her to the eye surgeon's the next day!  I've been telling her for months she needs to hire a caregiver by then, she hasn't.  I don't think I can do it.  It'd require leaving the house at 6:30 am and taking hours, all of my shoes/slippers hit the spot in the worst place, I don't see how I could do this the next day.

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Diane R. E.

Kay; there is absolutely no way you can be driving the day after your foot surgery! Not only for the physical healing process, but emotionally as well. I imagine your sister's dementia clouds her judgment, but that's no excuse. She needs to make other arrangements for transportation, period. 

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Gail 8588
2 hours ago, KayC said:

. . . . . I'm to have foot surgery 9/2 and she wants me to drive her to the eye surgeon's the next day . . . .  I don't see how I could do this the next day.

Kay, 

You can not drive her anywhere the next day. If she doesn't have another driver, Peggy's appointment needs to be rescheduled.  You can't do it.  It may not be safe for you to drive,  you need to keep your foot elevated as you recover from your surgery, your body will be recovering from trauma and needs rest. 

Really, you need to say no, you can't do it. 

Good luck.

Gail

 

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On 8/23/2021 at 7:47 AM, KayC said:

If she would just hire a caregiver to help her around the place and drive her to appts. that is all she needs right now.

KayC:  I know you mentioned it before that you've told her this. I'm sorry that she hasn't done it. That's putting a lot on you and she should realize that but maybe she can't because of the dementia. Or she just doesn't want someone coming in to her home because she's embarrassed or that they wouldn't be as tolerant of her as you've been. Either way, I hear your distress, this is a very stressful and hard situation to be in. Maybe there needs to be some sort of intervention planned to make her see what needs to be done and why. Why we are being so challenged these days, I don't know.  

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4 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm to have foot surgery 9/2 and she wants me to drive her to the eye surgeon's the next day!  I've been telling her for months she needs to hire a caregiver by then, she hasn't

KayC:  This sends a chill up my spine. You are Diabetic...you cannot take chances on healing from surgery. Limbs and feet in diabetics take longer because they are the farthest from blood supply rich with oxygen and nutrients. If they don't at least start to heal in a matter of time, they very quickly become infected or gangrenous and necrotize, causing the infection to RAPIDLY spread to bones...OSTEOMYELITIS. 

THIS is what happened to my husband! It haunts me now. An MRI of a very tiny sore on the bottom of my husband's toe revealed Osteomyelitis and the toe had to be amputated. Then he got a small sore on another toe but didn't tell anyone...it necrotized and spread and that is when he ended up in the hospital and months later, died. Once a diabetic has an infection in their body they have a hard time fighting it. Your sister's eye surgery can wait -you can't take the risk.  

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16 hours ago, tnd said:

Maybe there needs to be some sort of intervention planned

 It's all on me, not hearing from any of the rest of the family now.  Called Senior & Disabled & left a message a few weeks ago, never heard back.  What is the matter with people, they don't do their jobs or care anymore!  Seems they're there for others, just not for us.  You've experienced this as well.

If Peggy reschedules and can't get in until Dec. she will go blind in her remaining eye.  I know, her fault, she's known about her eye issues for years and done nothing, NOTHING about it!  But that is of little consolation now.

I have told her repeatedly to hire someone, given her numbers, I can't do it for her as whoever hires them is obligated to pay them, she has the $, I do not.  I no longer want POA, if/when the time comes she can't be at home, she will have to become a ward of the state, let them hire someone to clean out and sell her place and they can have it all, it's too much for me to tackle with my disabilities.  No one recognizes my limitations because I appear fit and it doesn't show.  You have no idea how many corrections I have to make when I type now, I used to be an excellent typist, but my hands don't work right since the injuries, and they're in constant pain.  I live with it, but I've lost strength with it and have to hire all my yard work, can't lift things anymore.  I felt at an all time low a while back when I couldn't even plunge my own toilet!

I am suggesting people to her, she needs to do SOMETHING on her own behalf!  It's the price she pays for wanting to be in her own home.

 

 

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Last night my sister called me a 2:40 am, waking me out of a deep sleep.  She thought it was 2 pm.  I told her to look outside, it's dark.  I have to drive her to the denturist and grocery store today, will put on about 140 miles, I hate doing it on lack of sleep.  I take a sleeping pill at bedtime so not easy to shake off.

Yesterday I spoke at length with the person she is going to have her drive her to the eye doctor 9/3.  I informed her about Peggy's dementia & stubbornness, she will soon find out.  She didn't run, thankfully.

I notice my brother and younger sister are awfully quiet on the home front, of course, they don't want any part of this, neither do I but I didn't get a choice.

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Gail 8588

Kay,

I am so glad you were able to talk with her driver about all Peggy's issues, and that she is still willing to help.

Good luck with all the driving and shopping today.  You are a wonderful sister.

Gail

 

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Thanks, it was very rough.  Dementia is horrible.

Someone wake me when this is over.

And now they may shut our power off as a precaution because of our fires.  :(

 

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Gail 8588

Kay, 

So sorry you may lose your power. Glad they gave you a heads up. You can bag your new freezer items to avoid another defrosting mess.  :(

Dementia is horrible. I have some sad stories from my father's mental decline.  Don't even want to remember them. 

Take care of yourself a little bit along the way!

Gail

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Turns out we weren't on the radar for the winds, Eugene and north/south of there were.  The power company sent the message to all of their customers and did not put anything on their website, it would have been nice if they had posted a map of the involved area on it instead of scaring all of us.  Anyway, I have a generator but need my neighbor to hook up the cable, it's way too heavy for me, he doesn't usually do it for temporary (several hours) outages, but will for longer ones.  Thank you for responding though!

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On 8/27/2021 at 8:40 AM, KayC said:

I notice my brother and younger sister are awfully quiet on the home front, of course, they don't want any part of this, neither do I but I didn't get a choice.

KayC:  I am sorry your family doesn't want to help. It shouldn't be all on you. That's quite a load to carry by yourself. Quite a load for anyone. Too bad the rest of the family isn't interested in working out some sort of schedule or to meet all together at Peggy's and confront her with needing to hire help. Because of my situation, I am starting to sour on "family" and what that is suppose to mean because clearly I have it all wrong.     

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So Peggy said she paid her bills (except one I reminded her) who knows but she wants me to butt out apparently, she fears losing control, common with dementia, my mom wouldn't let me in her house her last two years, she'd see me if I picked her up, but not inside.  ???  Polly wanted me to call her, so after church, a wedding, and checking on Peggy (and bringing her food from the church which I admonished her to eat and not waste), I called Polly.  She got onto me about not calling her Saturday, I told her I took a break Saturday, she should understand needing that after Friday.  Peggy is complaining about her dentures but didn't when she got them.  I told Polly the denturist wanted her to try them for a while, it may take getting used to after a few months with nothing, also reminded her Peggy exaggerates everything and tells different stories to all of us, even changing what she tells us from one minute to the next.  In other words, we can't believe anything she says.  Between her stubbornness, refusal to take responsibility for herself, procrastination to a fault, special needs, blindness brought on by her own lack of action, and dementia worsened by her choices, it is a lot to deal with.  I hope/pray she'll use Beverly for more than driving.  I feel I need to step back from the frustrating position I'm in.  Polly understands.  Peggy going to the hospital or a care center would not be the worst thing by our way of looking at it.

You can't help someone who doesn't want help.  I feel Peggy wanted to use me but because I told her I will not drive her the day after my surgery she changed her stance with me.

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Gail 8588

Kay, 

I think this could be a blessing, that Peggy wants you to back off.  You have been running yourself ragged caring for her.  You need the rest. 

I agree with you it is probably her dementia, feeling like she is losing control, a bit paranoid, etc.  But God works in mysterious ways. Maybe He sees you need a break. 

Take care of yourself for awhile.  Play and snuggle with Kodie.  You have both been through a lot.

I'm glad you may get a little bit of time to renew you!

Gail

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

You can't help someone who doesn't want help.  I feel Peggy wanted to use me but because I told her I will not drive her the day after my surgery she changed her stance with me.

KayC:  Another idea. Maybe not a nice one but could work. Maybe tell her that when you go over to her house and discover she hasn't taken care of things herself like she says she will or if you see there are hazards or if she can't prove that she can live alone, you will report her and people will come pick her up.Of course, I don't know who you'd report her to but she probably wouldn't know either. Maybe you've got to instill a little fear in her now. I know that sounds mean and I know you don't have POA or want to, but maybe there is a state agency that deals with such matters when a person can't care for themselves and doesn't have a POA. I realize you may have already looked into that so if so, scratch my idea, sorry. Her living by herself obviously worries you and all the work you do for her is just too much. My other thought was to have a sort of revolving schedule where the family each takes a turn checking in on her. 

You need your own Angel. And I know you think your husband is an Angel but I am talking about earthly ones. Besides, George is probably saying, "No! Not me! Don't pick me to look in on Peggy!" Poor girl, you need help before you crash. Your own health is at risk. 

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