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Dear Shailja,

I have been dreaming about you everyday since you died. It's been three months and I keep dreaming about our flat, about the neighbourhood we used live in. I keep dreaming that I'm searching for you but  I can't find you. Every night I look for you, I try to tell my friends that someone is missing..but I can't find you. You could have at least existed in my dreams so we could have talked once again. I miss you so much. Why won't you at least exist in my dreams?

It's been hard dealing with your loss. There was no closure...it was all so sudden. I kept in touch with your family intially, but eventually, the guilt became too much. You gave us so many hints that you were going to end your life. I just didn't understand it. I'm so sorry Shailja. I'm so fucking sorry, I was your bestfriend and I let you die. I'm so sorry. The thing is everyone else you gave hints to weren't as close to you or unlike me, didn't already have a history of mental illness. I don't know how I didn't pick up the signs. It should have been me instead of you Shailja, the world would have made so much sense if it had been me. Not a single day has gone by since you left, when I haven't thought of you.

Delhi is going on a lockdown now. Remember last lockdown? We kept each other sane by video calling each other every day. What did we even talk about? Nothing was happening. But amdist the chaos, us not getting a proper graduation from college, facing the abysmal lack of any jobs because of corona, in the middle of everything that was going so terribly wrong, we kept each other sane. I don't know how to do this alone. Before this, we discussed our rejections with each other, laughed at life, called it a sitcom. Shelly, I've been clinically depressed since I was 12 or probably younger. When I met you, I was seventeen and you changed my life. You taught me laugh. Everyday that I was friends with you, I was overwhelmed by the fact that someone like me could have a friend like you. Could have a good life. You showed me how to be confident in myself, you supported me without ever questioning. We were there for each other through everything.

The emptiness is too much now Shailja. We were supposed to be friends till we were old ladies, bitching about our partners or kids. You were my lifeline. You were my closest friend, my confidant. I'm so alone now shailja. I don't feel like talking to my other friends. I keep distancing everyone. I can't seem to stop. I wish you were here, I wish I could just have you back even if it meant giving myself up. I've always been the depressed one, you were happy, full of life and laughter. God, I miss your laughter so much. You were the one that was supposed to live Shailja, not me. Why did you have to go? 

I don't know how this will help. But I don't know what else to do. Hope you're still cracking up at the randomest things... wherever you are.

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Hi my heart breaks for you. I really feel your friendship and love and I understand lots of your thoughts. 
i also dream a lot with my lost loved one. And particularly the dream of searching for her and knowing something is terribly wrong and not being able to fix it. 
ive always struggled with mental health but my partner didn’t. She was the most beautiful and sane person i know, although she had a pretty crazy humor.
our stories are different, But than again we all share these feelings that you explain. I have the feeling she should be here. I understand you and i feel for you. 
i hope you can talk to someone you love or to a therapist. I hope you do little things to take care of yourself.  ❤️

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