9 months

[BBB]

Nine month mark, still difficult as hell. Besides the obvious missing her, looking at her, touch her, talking to her, the things we all did every day and sometimes took for granted when they were around....is...

I still see places that I want to go with her to or I find something funny that I want to go over and tell her right then and for a split millisecond I think of doing that and instantly realize, I can't. She's gone. It's like a mini-high and then a big drop off, big downer when reality comes crashing the party. Any 'newbies' like me experience this? 

[Yoli]

BBB, in 16 days it will be one year. I can hardly believe it. I still feel her essence, it's seems so real, almost tangible. But then yes, reality hits me like a sledge hammer.

Indy is my first thought in the morning when I wake and the last when I go to sleep alone. 

[Sparky1]

BBB, I totally understand how you're feeling. It is a weird feeling for sure, as sometimes I think that she's still here, and like you said, I get that euphoric flash and then I realize she's not here.

It is a real let down, and it hits me like a train at full speed. I'm sure her spirit is probably with me, which would explain the sense that at times she is here. I also feel like she helps me, especially with the cooking as most dishes I make come out good which is a surprise to me.

I'm sure our loved ones are close by, I just wish we could see them, talk to them, and especially hold them.

[luckystarhongkong]

BBB, I often have feeling like yours. This morning was worse: going to bed last night feeling ok; woke at 4am and can't fall asleep again; just me on the bed which we used to share; little bits and pieces of memories we shared together began to cropped up and become unstoppable: so vivid was her image and voice and I couldn't believe she's forever gone.

Films of my wife rolled in my head: we travelled to Taiwan in Jan 2021. We tried local food, spend hours shopping for little jewelry and funny stationery for our teenage daughter, visited night markets, and of course we chattered for hours after dinner every evening; we were best friends and best soulmates. We looked forward to our retirement next year...we both loved the place and the people. 2 months ago I have a life, now I'm like a zombie; I don't live, I just try to survive.

I laid on bed but had no tears; perhaps that was the worse part: the excruciating pain deep inside is killing me. 

[BBB]

Thank you to you all for sharing. People often tell me to look at the memories and the good times, which I certainly try to do. In fact, I try to be grateful for all of the times that we shared, there were many over the course of 27 years. But, at the same time I have to be honest and say that even when I look back fondly at the great times, I inevitably get sad because I know I'll never share those things again here.

 

[KayC]

BBB, my thoughts are with you as you head to the one year mark...I know it's different for all of us, but I felt at the end of one year that I deserved a trophy.  I didn't see how I made it.  That was just the beginning of this life long journey, but surviving that first year of "withouts" stands out (birthday without, Christmas without, etc).

[BBB]

16 minutes ago, KayC said:

BBB, my thoughts are with you as you head to the one year mark...I know it's different for all of us, but I felt at the end of one year that I deserved a trophy.  I didn't see how I made it.  That was just the beginning of this life long journey, but surviving that first year of "withouts" stands out (birthday without, Christmas without, etc).

Oh for sure I will feel likewise. Just have to go one day at a time because there are days where I don't even feel like I can make it to a year. So odd and so weird that the greatest and most powerful gift we have is love and yet that love, when you lose someone so close to you, can cause you so much heartache and pain. It's also extremely frustrating because you want to desperately change something that can't be changed.

 

[LMR]

5 hours ago, BBB said:

 It's also extremely frustrating because you want to desperately change something that can't be changed.

 

BBB. I really feel for you. I am so sorry.

This is my feeling exactly. I am just behind you at 8 1/2 months. It is not getting any better, worse in fact. Whenever I am alone I cry. Everything I do or see is a reminder of something past or something that now can never happen. I talk to him a lot. I would like to have the faith of other people here and believe that he hears me but I don't really. I still have this weird sensation that I don't even know what it is, only that it doesn't fit, it doesn't make sense. I sit and I wait........

Hugs.

[BBB]

Hugs back LMR. I understand everything you are saying. 

[jmmosley53]

BBB,

What you describe sounds so familiar. 

People always tell me to think about all the good times.  Sure those memories are sweet but they do not bring me joy.  Only more longing.

For me the thing that is best, is to try and not think at all.  I stopped trying to force good thoughts.  Now I just try to stay in the moment and let my thoughts go wherever they want.

When I'm alone I talk to my love out loud.  Some times if I am lucky I can feel what his response would be.

Grieving stinks, grieving hurts, it is lonely being the one left behind.  

 

[luckystarhongkong]

1 hour ago, jmmosley53 said:

Grieving stinks, grieving hurts, it is lonely being the one left behind.  

My wife always said the one first taken by god was the lucky one: he/she enjoyed the company of his/love love one till the end; the one being left behind would have to bear all the sorrows. If I can think of anything 'good' now, I think it might be my wife passed before me so she don't have to endure the loneliness I am now feeling. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, luckystarhongkong said:

the one first taken by god was the lucky one: he/she enjoyed the company of his/love love one till the end; the one being left behind would have to bear all the sorrows

For sure!

[BBB]

I think that is a great point to be made, that in a sense we are saving our beloveds from suffering, were it to have been us to go first. I can certainly appreciate that. I think what I have a problem with is her leaving so young. Dying in your 50s leaves me feeling like I got cheated out of a number of years with just the two of us in retirement. I think I would have been able to accept and handle her dying first if she was 80.

Don't get me wrong, I was lucky to ever find her. I was lucky to spend 27 years of my life with her. I AM grateful for those 27 years but I'm human and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her by my side. Our kids grow up and go off and live their own lives. I had always looked forward to spending my retirement years with her, not alone.

[luckystarhongkong]

9 hours ago, BBB said:

Dying in your 50s leaves me feeling like I got cheated out of a number of years with just the two of us in retirement. I think I would have been able to accept and handle her dying first if she was 80.

Don't get me wrong, I was lucky to ever find her. I was lucky to spend 27 years of my life with her. I AM grateful for those 27 years but I'm human and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her by my side. Our kids grow up and go off and live their own lives. I had always looked forward to spending my retirement years with her, not alone.

my love one passed suddenly at 50. We were planning to retire in another country next year. In Jan 21 we went there to get a taste of the place; we both loved it. We look forward excitedly for the new page of life; but this page unfolded in a way I hate to see.

I too enjoyed every moment of our 32 years together, good or bad, up or down. For all our difficulties in the past at least we fought together. Now I am a wreck left in the world, batting all alone. 

For us who were once deeply in love with each other, nothing is enough.

[Sparky1]

9 hours ago, BBB said:

Our kids grow up and go off and live their own lives. I had always looked forward to spending my retirement years with her, not alone.

That is a big hurt for me as well. The kids have lives of their own and want their freedom, the youngest one lives far away and struggles to get by but won't come live with me.

My wife also was in her 50s, and eagerly awaited my retirement so we could spend more time together. I can retire next year, so we were pretty close to enjoying the rest of our lives. I still look forward to my retirement, as my body needs a rest, but without my wife there is no joy,  just heartache knowing I have to grow old all by myself.

Like you said BBB, if my wife had lived another 20 years or so, I'd be at an age where I didn't have a long time to go and would be that much closer to joining her.

[BBB]

Well, I am glad and sorry actually, at the same time that I am not the only one. Certainly is frustrating to look forward to those retirement years just the two of you and never get to live them.

 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

if my wife had lived another 20 years or so, I'd be at an age where I didn't have a long time to go and would be that much closer to joining her.

Exactly.  My husband had just had his 51st birthday five days before, in my family we live well into our 90s, that leaves me potentially 40 years alone.  Nearly 16 down and 34 to go.  But I can't think about the "rest of my life," it's too much to comprehend, I continue doing today.  It's all I can handle.

[Diane R. E.]

I empathize with all of you and my heart goes out to you. My husband was 64 when he passed away last October. As many of you know, we had just moved to the Phoenix area to begin our dream retirement together. The road trip from Minnesota to Phoenix literally set up a series of events that ended with Doug passing away after 4 1/2 weeks in ICU. (He developed a blood clot in his right femoral artery.) Now we are all left with not only the grief of losing our partner, but the grief of losing our wonderful future together.

[luckystarhongkong]

my soulmate and I grew up poor; together we worked hard and eventually managed to lead a life that we dreamt of; we supported ourselves; no one helped us; and we'd done nothing wrong; we taught our daughter to be upright and empathize with those who suffer; what we hoped for is some little peaceful days to be together. Is that too much? 

[Diane R. E.]

NO - that's not to much to ask for! Life is cruel sometimes and none of us deserve to be going through this.

[DMB]

I'm less than a month away from the 1 year mark and I can count on 1 hand how many moments of joy I had this past year.  Sometimes I can get over the hurdle of grief in front of me, other times I hit it and fall down.  I had a meltdown on the phone with my daughter this week, and now I feel bad.  I don't want to upset her, but she's all I have that understands.  She has to listen to me sobbing and sobbing claiming that "I can't do this"  I had the day off and went down to the bay cottage, no one around-like the owners-for me to see why the electricity still isn't hooked up to their pole, and when will the septic tank be located for us to begin getting some plumbing.  You can't text or call, they never respond.  It's the weirdest damn place and deal my late husband made with them, but I so thought maybe I could finish it.  Right now, I want to just walk away.  I want to do nothing.  As previously posted, I don't want to think.  My daughter also asked what shall we do for this 1 year mark.  Again, my answer is nothing.  Hope I get up and start hurdling again soon.  I am taking this weekend off from the bay and I'll do some work around the house instead.

I also feel like I'm too young to be widowed (59) and I have zero plans of ever retiring.  I really don't want to live a long life now. Whenever the good lord calls, I'm ready.  

[BBB]

I feel that DMB. I got booted from my job because I just couldn't focus and get anything done. I don't want to think either. I keep asking the Lord to let me not wake up the next morning.

[DMB]

3 minutes ago, BBB said:

I feel that DMB. I got booted from my job because I just couldn't focus and get anything done. I don't want to think either. I keep asking the Lord to let me not wake up the next morning.

Sorry you lost your job.  I don't much care for mine, but I need the benefits, and I only have a 5 mi commute.  When I'm deep in the funk, I can ask to work from home, or as this past week, took a vacation day.  I'll be taking some more days for sure. 

[Perro J]

It is 9 months for me now too - her sister recently posted a picture of her on social media. It was a picture I had never seen before. The novelty of it hit me. It was like she is still out there somewhere, beautiful and happy. She was posing with four pairs of sunglasses. One resting on the crown of her head, the second worn normally, the third dangling from a strap around her neck and the last one dangling from the neckline of her shirt. She was clowning around and how I long for her to be here like that right now. This is a hard row for me. I have been having terrible nightmares and I don't normally recall my dreams.

I chatted with a woman who had lost her son 8 years ago. I know she understands this but I felt like her experience is too far ahead of me. She told me you have to realize that the life you have left, you have to choose between living with what happiness you can find now or just staying in misery. She challenged me with "What other options are there?" I don't have a response. Yet I still don't feel ready to put on that new coat.

[BBB]

I don't know Perro, I could live in misery the rest of my life. My wife was the source of my happiness.

[luckystarhongkong]

1 hour ago, Perro J said:

I chatted with a woman who had lost her son 8 years ago. I know she understands this but I felt like her experience is too far ahead of me. She told me you have to realize that the life you have left, you have to choose between living with what happiness you can find now or just staying in misery. She challenged me with "What other options are there?" I don't have a response. Yet I still don't feel ready to put on that new coat.

perhaps she was right; but one need to be further down this road to accept what she said. For us we tend to dwell in the past when our joyful days were so plentiful. At the moment the idea of picking up pieces of happiness left in our life seems not attractive at all. But sooner or later, sadly, we have to do this to preserve our sanity and go on.

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, Perro J said:

It was a picture I had never seen before. The novelty of it hit me. It was like she is still out there somewhere, beautiful and happy.

Wow, I have had a similar experience. My stepdaughter sent me an Instagram post which my wife had made Valentine's Day 2020. I had seen the picture before, but she had written a happy Valentine's message about me. I'm not on Instagram so I had never seen it. She said how grateful she was for having me in her life and how much she loved me. As well, she commended me for being with her and the kids through thick and thin.

I cried immediately, and it's as though she wrote it after she passed away. It is difficult to look at as I break down every time. For me it showed me how much she loved me, and how proud she was of me.

The pain in my heart is very immense, and I can't see down the road how it can ever lessen or go away. Like BBB said, my wife was my life, she was my everything.

[luckystarhongkong]

1 hour ago, Sparky1 said:

She said how grateful she was for having me in her life and how much she loved me. As well, she commended me for being with her and the kids through thick and thin.

I cried immediately, and it's as though she wrote it after she passed away. It is difficult to look at as I break down every time. For me it showed me how much she loved me, and how proud she was of me.

The pain in my heart is very immense, and I can't see down the road how it can ever lessen or go away. Like BBB said, my wife was my life, she was my everything.

The deep love we shared with our love ones was a blessing; I often wondered how lucky I was to have been able to be in love with my wife, when true love is too rare in these days. My wife often told me she was so fortunate to have met me and she had no regret in her life if god took her immediately....and he did.... 

I myself can't bear to look at her photos. I am an amateur photographer and I took many portraits of her. Those were joyful moments we shared. A week ago my daughter changed her icon of her IG account showing a picture of her and my wife in Hokkaido, Japan: it was a snowy winter night when the japanese built many snow sculptures and lighted up one side of the river with candles. That's beautiful and sweet. But I weeped on seeing the image. How I missed those days when our family was complete...

 Blessing turned into a curse when our love ones were gone. We were once in paradise, as true love is the most precious thing in life. Now I am in hell. 

[KayC]

@DMB I was amazed that you'd take that on, I feel like a wimp in comparison.  I hope you get some answers soon as this would be way too daunting for me.  At nearly 16 years I STILL don't want to think!  Thinking (for me) brings anxiety.

[Perro J]

On 4/30/2021 at 5:30 PM, BBB said:

I don't know Perro, I could live in misery the rest of my life. My wife was the source of my happiness.

I have been thinking about this for a few days now. My first impulse was to try and make some sort of helpful response along the lines of it being wrong to look to external things to provide us happiness. I would have said that happiness needs to come from within, an internal thing. I might have even added a bit about it being somewhat unfair to our partners for us to depend upon them for our happiness.

That might be an OK way for me to look at it - but after dwelling on it for a bit I think there is more to it than that. Explaining it that way denies that extra something that comes with love like that. The synergy that makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts. As I have contemplated that I have realized I lost more than just her. Maybe it was that something extra I am thinking of that made things better than they ever could be when I am alone.

I don't want to live in misery the rest of my life. I want to try to find the good in it. To enjoy some of the time I have left. Yet I might need to concede to you that I may never be as happy as I was for the rest of my life. That seems like that might be very possible.

I get what you are feeling. This thread has touched a nerve with me. This is something I need to ponder more. I appreciate you starting it.

[BBB]

Well Perro, first thanks for the candidness and willingness to share your honest thoughts and opinions. I am not trying to bring anyone down or make them feel worse than they already are. I mean everyone on this forum, all of us, have experienced something horrible, something difficult. In the end though, we all had different levels of relationships and closeness, we are all different people as well. Some of us are half empty while other half full type of people. My intention is not to bring anyone down with me but rather to freely express my feelings. For me, I believe I found happiness in finding my wife and without her, I won't be happy. That's just my opinion. Will I be right? Will I be wrong? Time will tell. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Perro J said:

I don't want to live in misery the rest of my life. I want to try to find the good in it. To enjoy some of the time I have left. Yet I might need to concede to you that I may never be as happy as I was for the rest of my life.

Agree!  I have learned not to compare what is to what was for that very reason...comparisons are real joy-killers, they devalue our experience.  I've learned to look for good and when I find it, the least little iota of it, I embrace it and am grateful in that moment.  It helps us live in the present and experience it, not miss it.  Right now, this moment, this day, I have a sweet puppy here with me, and he's a joy to be around!  My cute little wriggly puppy who definitely knows how to live in the moment!

[Gail 8588]

Perro, 

I tend to believe that I will never be as happy as I was with my husband, but that is not the same as saying I will never be happy.   For the first 3 years of my grief, I was not ever actually happy.  I was either a zombie, or I was in a 'fake it' mode of trying to act like a normal living person.  Whenever I was out of view of others, I was lost in my grief and pain. 

In the past year, I have gotten much better.  I am often happy, but my life is not as happy as when my husband was with me.  That is okay with me.

I can live a life that has this much happiness. 

This is a great improvement over the first 3 years.  I really was quite suicidal much of that time. 

I don't try to measure my current happiness against my happiness with my years with John.  I am extremely grateful for my 40 years with John. Now I am grateful for smaller joys, but I count my blessings and am very happy with any joys that come my way.   

Life is good, even if it is not as good as it was with John.

Gail

[BBB]

What you wrote Gail, makes me hopeful. I say that because of a number of things you point out - a) you weren't happy for 3 years b) you were suicidal during much of that time. I am suicidal often and while I cannot see myself being happy even in 3 years, I know that it has only been less than a year and it will take more time. Hoping that I can endure until such a time.

[Diane R. E.]

My dearest Doug passed away exactly 7 months ago today. I know I will never have the same happiness as I did with him, but remain hopeful that I can eventually find a different type of happiness. 

[KayC]

I hope that for you too.  I've learned to accept whatever little bit of good there is, a beautiful sunset, a neighbor waving hello, good food, my wriggly little puppy, anything.  

[KayC]

23 hours ago, BBB said:

What you wrote Gail, makes me hopeful. I say that because of a number of things you point out - a) you weren't happy for 3 years b) you were suicidal during much of that time. I am suicidal often and while I cannot see myself being happy even in 3 years, I know that it has only been less than a year and it will take more time. Hoping that I can endure until such a time.

You are still pretty new in this, although it probably doesn't FEEL that way right now.  If you noticed in my tips article, I mentioned that suicidal thoughts are common in grief, it takes a long while to see any glimmer of light.  It took me about three years just to PROCESS my grief!  And I worked hard at it, saw a grief counselor, came to my forum every day, posted, read, journaled, read articles and books.  It took so much effort!  Everything I've learned, I did not know on day one.  No one hands us a manual and tells us how to do this, it's so hard trying to find our way, especially in a society and bombs out at supporting grievers.  You'll get there, in your time, in your way.  You ARE getting there, it's just when you're in the thick of it, you can't see it for the fog and pain.

[CMW]

On 4/28/2021 at 4:00 AM, luckystarhongkong said:

My wife always said the one first taken by god was the lucky one: he/she enjoyed the company of his/love love one till the end; the one being left behind would have to bear all the sorrows. If I can think of anything 'good' now, I think it might be my wife passed before me so she don't have to endure the loneliness I am now feeling. 

Exactly!!

My husband was very reserved and could easily get depressed. He got very depressed just over a job he didn't like. He just passed away a month ago. I think he didn't have to suffer the lose of his parents or of me. He didn't have to suffer failing health in old age. The one that gets left, bares all of the weight. 

[LMR]

On 4/26/2021 at 6:39 AM, BBB said:

Nine month mark, still difficult as hell. Besides the obvious missing her, looking at her, touch her, talking to her, the things we all did every day and sometimes took for granted when they were around....is...

I still see places that I want to go with her to or I find something funny that I want to go over and tell her right then and for a split millisecond I think of doing that and instantly realize, I can't. She's gone. It's like a mini-high and then a big drop off, big downer when reality comes crashing the party. Any 'newbies' like me experience this? 

9 months today. This is exactly how I am feeling. Nobody else has noticed the date. I have mostly felt numb today with the occasional sob session. I miss him so much I still cry myself to sleep. I feel like I understand less as the time goes on.

I have to move soon. I can't afford to stay where I am. It was perfect for the two of us. We loved living here. I can't decide what to do. I just don't have the energy to deal with it.

[Gail 8588]

LRM,

I totally know what you mean when you say you don't have the energy to deal with it.  I sold our house and moved into a rental 7 months after his death and then moved again 7 months later, to a house I bought 250 miles away.  Choosing a rental house for the  first move wasn't too challenging as the small town I was moving to only had 3 rental houses available, only one of which had a fenced yard for my dog.  So the question of where to go was obvious to me.  The landlord was in the process of fixing up the house, so it was basically a construction site the whole time I lived there. For over a month I had no kitchen at all. Heated food in a microwave , washed dishes in the bathroom, there was a refrigerator in the garage. After the kitchen, he replaced the roof with a metal roof and then renovated a bathroom.  I didn't care about any of it.  I was so numb, confused, lost, I didn't care that I was living in a construction site. 

When I moved again, I had no energy to do anything.  I learned of a house for rent that was the right size, with a fenced back yard. I then learned the owner really would rather sell it.  I bought it without looking at a single home for sale.  I didn't use a realtor, I didn't do an inspection, I didn't negotiate anything.  I had no energy to do any of that.  None of it mattered to me. I was such a zombie, just barely going through the motions of living.  Not engaged it it at all.  I needed a roof over my head, this was a roof, I was done. 

I urge you to ask for help from some family member or good friend. Making decisions is so very hard when you are in this zombie state. 

I can't recommend you do what I did, as it is pretty clear in hindsight my moves were crazy.

No normal person would have paid rent to live in that job site I first rented. No normal person would just buy the first house they came in contact with, having never even looked to see what was actually for sale in the area.  But I didn't even think twice about it.  Really, I didn't think it through even once.  I just took the path of least resistance. 

Good luck on your move.  I hope you can lean on someone for help and guidance. 

Gail

 

[SDC]

Thinking of you as you edge closer to the one year mark. I hit that unwanted milestone in April. I don't know about you, but talk aloud to my person--a lot. When there's something I'd normally share with him, laugh about with him, etc. I talk to him. It feels right for me so I don't judge & I don't care if someone else thinks it's unhealthy. Several months ago I started doing something that I find helpful and I'll share with you in case you might too. I live in a large city and walk a lot--and every day when I'm out walking I say, again aloud, "(His name) I love and I miss you. I'm grateful for (insert things about him & our 37 year relationship that I'm grateful for)." And then I move on to saying aloud whatever I'm grateful for in the moment---it's often things like "I'm grateful I'm going to a yoga class today. I'm grateful for the fresh, delicious food from my CSA." I won't claim it eases my sadness, but it briefly fills my head with a few positives that co-exist with my sadness. I tend to unproductively ruminate on things I can't undo or change and this verbalize exercise helps me stop doing that as much. Take good care. 

[KayC]

Wow, Gail!  Did the house turn out to be okay?  I understand, I was definitely a zombie the first couple of years, I can't imagine making such decisions on my own in that state of mind! But then, I got sucked in by a con who preyed on me and used my credit for $57,000, will be 2-3 times that before I get it paid off!  That's what grief fog can do to us.

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

My house has worked out okay so far.  It has issues, such as an addition that may not have been permitted and certainly wasn't built to code, that may bite me if/when I try to sell it.  But I am pretty easy going and sloping floors and door jams that are shifting a bit trapezoidal are things I can live with.

I don't have the energy to try to move again and right now house prices are sky high. So I am grateful for the roof I have over my head. 

For the money I spent, I may have been able to get a better house, had I looked at all, but who knows.  I am not one to look back and second guess what might have been.

Perhaps when I go to sell this I will have regrets, but for now it is fine. 

Gail 

[LMR]

@Gail 8588Thankyou for sharing your story. It certainly made me think. Taking the first step is the hardest thing to do. Since falling and breaking my wrist I have lost confidence. I get nervous just going to the store.

My only family, my sister, is in England, I am in US. I was going back to UK but I'm not sure I can bear to leave.

[LMR]

4 hours ago, SDC said:

 I don't know about you, but talk aloud to my person--a lot. When there's something I'd normally share with him, laugh about with him, etc. I talk to him. It feels right for me so I don't judge & I don't care if someone else thinks it's unhealthy. 

I also talk to him. I say good morning and goodnight and then I cry because I can't kiss him or hold him. I talk to his photo, I tell him anything on my mind. Who else can I tell? I don't think it unhealthy. It's what keeps me sane.

I try to focus on the good things. The fact is that a short while before I lost him I can remember thinking how much I love this earth, how beautiful everything is. Is that the moment I brought this on us?  I know it's still there but it seems irrelevant without my love to share it.

[foreverhis]

On 4/27/2021 at 11:54 PM, jmmosley53 said:

BBB,

What you describe sounds so familiar. 

People always tell me to think about all the good times.  Sure those memories are sweet but they do not bring me joy.  Only more longing.

For me the thing that is best, is to try and not think at all.  I stopped trying to force good thoughts.  Now I just try to stay in the moment and let my thoughts go wherever they want.

When I'm alone I talk to my love out loud.  Some times if I am lucky I can feel what his response would be.

Grieving stinks, grieving hurts, it is lonely being the one left behind.  

 

Yes, the "think about the good times" trope can get annoying.  I felt like, "Don't you think I want to be able to do that? And stop presuming you know what I should do!"  But I also didn't have too many people saying that, so it wasn't a frequent thing.

What I would suggest now is exactly what you are doing:  Do not try to force any thoughts, good or bad.  Staying in the moment, in today, really helped me and still does.

It took nearly 2 years before I was really able to let all our memories, the wonderful, the funny, and even the boring, come forward to mix in with the memories and images of his last devastating months.  Once that started happening, I reached a bit of a turning point.  Obviously, I wasn't "better" or anything like that, but I had been taking small steps forward, so I could look back and see that I really had been walking my grief journey.  I could say that I was happier than I had been in the beginning, when I felt like I would never be happy in any way ever again, and even during most of that second year, when I started being able to let in times of light and hope.  As I look toward 3 years, I can say I am happier than I was, though I know I will never be happy the way I was before.  It's all relative now and it's a very slow process.  Please do not let anyone try to rush or force you forward--and don't rush or force yourself either.  Our grief takes us on the road it wants, not what we or others think it will or should be.

It is absolutely lonely being the one left behind.  It's lonely every day, but I do not feel as alone as I did at first.  I miss John every minute, yet that missing is no longer all and everything.  Now, it's simply part of my day-to-day life that I accept as permanent.  My life is absolutely diminished, harder, and less joyous without him in it.  Time is helping me find ways to enrich what remains and that has, bit by bit, allowed a kind of happiness to creep back in.  A friend even mentioned that the other day.  Actually, it was more that she almost hesitantly asked.  She said she knows I will never be over losing him and that my life will never be like it was, but that it seemed to her that I was able to smile more often and that I am more able to see and grasp the good, and she wondered if I was feeling somewhat happier than 3 years ago.  I gave that some thought and later told her yes, but that the concept of "being happy" is so foreign to me now that I hadn't thought about my steps forward, my grief burden becoming easier to carry,  and my ability to reach out more as showing to the world as a kind of happiness.  Much different, to be sure, but a bit of happiness none the less.

When I was where you are now, I was barely able to see pinpoints of light and hope, much less reach out and grasp most of them.  Give yourself all the time you need as you make your way through your unique journey.  That's all any of us can really do in the long run.  And please never think that you are grieving "wrong" or too slowly or not the way others think you should.  This is your grief and yours alone.

[foreverhis]

On 5/4/2021 at 3:56 PM, BBB said:

My intention is not to bring anyone down with me but rather to freely express my feelings. For me, I believe I found happiness in finding my wife and without her, I won't be happy. That's just my opinion. Will I be right? Will I be wrong? Time will tell. 

You know, I hope, that this is the place for you to express any and all feelings.  Good, bad, angry, confused, whatever--as far as I'm concerned, that's what we're all here for now.  And honestly, if something brings one of us down, well, it's not as if we're floating on air in the first place.

Your last sentence really encompasses it all.  If someone had asked me at 9 or 10 months if I'd ever be happy again, really in any way, I'd have either burst into tears (which were never far from the surface anyway) or said, "Hell no.  What a stupid thing to ask!" or something like that.  I couldn't know what lay ahead, just as I don't know and can't see what's ahead of me now.  Will I continue to make progress finding a life I can life without John that brings me some peace and happiness?  I have no idea.  I can hope that's the case, but as he was and still is the love of my life, I have no way of knowing if the challenges ahead will help or hurt.

Please do keep talking about everything because it certainly has helped me over time.  I hope it helps you too.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Perhaps when I go to sell this I will have regrets, but for now it is fine. 

Whatever it is, it's sure far better than what I'm living in...a 43 year old mobile home with no foundation and a garage built on dirt that needs the back replaced and set on pier blocks, a shed that is rotting, also built on dirt.  Who does that?  I only hope my home lasts as long as I do or until I get it paid off!    At least the property is good and exceeds what I owe.  I understand, it does no good to look back except in learning going forward!  Regrets aren't worth the paper they're printed on!

19 hours ago, LMR said:

I was going back to UK but I'm not sure I can bear to leave.

Do whatever feels most comforting to you right now.  You can always make different decisions later, but right now, do what brings YOU comfort.

19 hours ago, LMR said:

Is that the moment I brought this on us? 

I don't see that any of us brought this on ourselves!

 

18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

the "think about the good times" trope can get annoying.

It's bittersweet to remember.  Yes it was the happiest time in my life, I'm glad we had that, but not sure it's comforting in light of the stark contrasting aloneness now that we live with.  It's bittersweet.

BBB, the "happiness" we can feel on down the road is nothing like the "happiness" we felt with them, not able to compare.  I learn to embrace the good, flow with all the feelings as they come, none right or wrong, they just are.  Of course you can express your feelings!  This is absolutely the place you can come to to do that.

[BBB]

Two years, more or less, seems to be the magic mark. Long way to go.

[KayC]

(((hugs)))