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It's been a week and each day seems harder not easier


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On 5/7/2021 at 4:22 AM, Markies liz said:

Anyone experience this or is this unique.  My relationship with markies parents really actually started like we got pretty close after mark passed I'm sure because we were going his things forms few days together.  His folks and I were in contact very often and it kinda had been helping me heal to have this relationship with them.  Anyways, me and his mom were. messaging on monday and then I hadn't heard from her since.  Rewind to monday i got off the phone with her and I was thinking mothers day would b hard and so I ordered her flowers and had them sent today cuz I didnt want them on mothers day cuz that would b too sad and I didnt put happy mothers day on it or anything.  Just because she will b so sad about it.  We both love flowers and it drove markie nuts that we did lol so she got the flowers today and she messaged me tonight thanking me for them and then saying she needs a break from me because it's too hard it makes her think of mark when we talk even if we dont talk about him.  I understand it probably does.  He was their only child.  So I knw this will.be super hard.  I knw she is really struggling with this.  I just felt like a wierd wrench in my stomach when she said it hurts too much to talk to me for a few different reasons.  I told her to take all the time she needs and I will let her contact me when she is ready ...but ugh it kinda hurts .  But if it's what she needs for her healing I will absolutely respect that ...its just such a double edge sword because ironically it was helping me to talk to them.    I need to remeber everyone grieves and heals differently.  I selfishly am kinda hurt 

Hugs  

Markies liz 

Let me also add I dont have children so I dont know a grieving mothers pain either.  

Hi Markies liz,

this message really hit me. Because my partner also passed and her parents and I already had a good relationship but since it happened we got really close and we feel like we are family. However it was me who asked them for space and shorter calls and hangouts because after these I struggled too much. It’s like I love knowing that we have this relationship but I need to dosificate it. After seeing them or talking to them I have panic attacks and my depression gets worse. It’s nothing that they say or do it is just to much exposure to the raw truth. That my baby isn’t here anymore. It’s like the void she left behind is palpable and I have no way of feeling that she is with me in some other way. 
So, I really do think that they love you and that they want you in their lifes. It’s just that right now they are trying to cope his absence in their most immediate reality and I’m sure that if you let them their space(which I understand is hard) they will reach out to you from time to time. 
I understand it like we grievers are in the center of  concentric circles and when we try to cope with our griefs we take one circle at the time because all at once is impossible. So in a way I think they need some space so they can hace you back in their lifes when they feel a little braver.

I send you lots of hugs ❤️ 

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18 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

It is not fair.  Yes, you should dare to say it because it's true.  Of course you can't stop sobbing at this point.  I'd be surprised if you weren't.  Just keep trying to get through one day at a time.  Try to find one good thing each day, no matter how small: a pretty flower, a butterfly flitting about, a warm day; literally, anything little thing. 

Keep in mind that they don't have a darn clue about what this kind of grief is like.  It's not something we can even put into words to explain it because it can only be understood once we are on our own grief journey.  You can ignore people when they say things like that.  You could tell them they are wrong and that your love for Mark isn't something you can simply put on a shelf, toss away, or forget.  He is a permanent part of you.  You could try to think of short responses that are basically, "Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about!" but maybe a smidge nicer than that.

We do not "get over" this.  In time, lots of time and with effort and help, we can begin to move forward into a different life that we have to figure out for ourselves.

This was how I felt for a long time, the first year at least.  I had no plan and I didn't want to kill myself.  I simply did not want to be in this world without my husband.  I still don't, but time has softened those feelings of despair and hopelessness.  There are still times when I'm frustrated or upset or sick that I say to him, "I can't do this without you.  You need to come get me now."  Of course he doesn't/can't because it's not my time, but just saying it out loud helps me remember that that day will come.

Of course you are angry.  How could you not be?  There is nothing right or fair or just about losing the person we love most in the world.

I too (and I think many of us) have felt that anger when looking at couples who are clearly much older than John and I were.  I see them smiling, holding hands, helping each other as age and time give them more challenges.  I consider that I'm going to be doing that alone now and I get angry and sad at the same time.  That's to be expected, I think.  It's not that I want to take that from those couples, it's that I want it for us.

As for your co-worker.  How completely and utterly insensitive of her.  There's been quite a bit in various articles and interviews over the past year-plus with people whining and complaining about being "stuck" with their spouses, families, kids, etc.  Every time I hear, "My spouse is driving me crazy.  I can't take it."  I think, "Shut up!  I'd give anything, anything, to have John here driving me up the wall from time to time.  You should cherish what you have.  And if you need a break, go to another room or take a walk or just sit outside and chill."

For your co-worker to then bring up how great your and Mark's relationship was just feels like she was twisting a knife in your heart.  She may have been trying to compliment you in a way, but that's the kind of thoughtless, casually cruel thing that people say too often.  I'm sorry you are dealing with this from both his parents and other people in your life.

One of the best things you can do now is keep coming here to talk, rant, question, complain, and even "scream" if that's what you need to do.  You never have to apologize for it.  Never.

((HUGS))

The power you shared in this message is impressive. I know this message is for markies liz, but thank you so much! ❤️

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foreverhis
16 minutes ago, Mayluna said:

The power you shared in this message is impressive. I know this message is for markies liz, but thank you so much! ❤️

Thank you so much.  You should know that even though it's addressed specifically to things Markies liz wrote, it's for you too.  It's for anyone who can find a little help or comfort from it.  I'm so very glad you did.  ((HUGS))

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17 hours ago, Markies liz said:

She just lost her boyfriend very unexpectedly.

Bless you for reaching out to her and of course you have my prayers!  This reminds me of a bible verse that has come to mean a lot to me, "who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.." 2 Corinthians 1:4

 

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Markies liz

I just woke up, 4am by me.  I'm so sad.  I'm so lonely.  I miss him so bad.  I feel like throwing up. I domt wanna go to work, I dont wanna leave the bed, I dont wannna be around people today.  I dont know why I feel like I'm maybe gonna be ok and then boom, I'm not ok at all. I just wanna be with him so bad.  I'm so broken

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Markies liz

I had my check up for my. Blood clot wednesday and my dr told me I have exhaustion and depression and told me she wants me to consider a low dose med.  I dont like medicine... I told her all my symptoms that I thought maybe were from the blood clot and she said sweety u have exhaustion it's not at all coming from the clot.  I know some of u said you have something to help you sleep.  I hate meds, I always try to avoid when possible...idk what to do. I was SO happy with mark.  I went from being insanely happy like noone could ruin my days to not even wanting to open my eyes

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47 minutes ago, AnnRA said:

This exhaustion you are feeling is quite normal and can really drag you down further, so sleep meds can help with that.

How true AnnRA.  Intense grief/loss combined with lack of sleep is so debilitating. My doc gave me a prescription that worked, but I got some unpleasant side effects too.  I ended up using melatonin, which worked pretty good for me thank God.

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Liz, you have to get some sleep. Ever since my bout with leukemia, I am very wary of taking meds, but I requested that my doc give me a prescription. I had to try something.  You must give your body and mind a chance to recover. 
 

Hugs from me too:). Steve

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6 hours ago, Markies liz said:

I dont know why I feel like I'm maybe gonna be ok and then boom, I'm not ok at all.

(((hugs)))   This is "normal" in grief, the waves hit, we learn to ride them.  I wish you could stay in bed all day and nurture your misery, seriously, it's part of processing our grief.  I had to go in at 5 days and do payroll and within two weeks was back full time.  Then the company went under, beginning of a recession, and I had six months to find a job with 9.5% unemployment rate, faced age discrimination for the first time in my life, all while grieving, it seems the hits wait for nothing.  I made it through that horrible time, but oh God it was hard!!!  

We're here for you, listening, I wish so much we didn't have to go to work and finances weren't part of the picture.  It feels like too much.  One day at a time...I still have to do it that way.

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6 hours ago, Markies liz said:

I hate meds, I always try to avoid when possible...idk what to do.

My doctor offered me Rx for sleep but I refused it, thinking it a temporary solution to a permanent problem, like a bandaid.  But years later, still long commute, lack of sleep, it's hard to function without our sleep, our brains aren't optimal!  I finally accepted the help and wish I had years ago, I feel I made it harder on myself by "toughing it out."  Same with low dose anxiety meds, I've had GAD all my life but began having anxiety attacks after George died, it took me 3 1/2 years to finally accept help with it, it just takes the edge off so I can cope, doesn't alter my brain.  Research whatever they suggest carefully before filling, if you aren't comfortable with that one, do your own research, go back to the doctor armed with the information and request something you are comfortable with.  It's our bodies!  We have every right to have a say, to me, doctors recommend, and we consider it, but it's STILL up to us!

Anxiety and Grief After Losing a Loved One
Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

Depression vs symtomatic depression in grief
 

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6 hours ago, AnnRA said:

My Dr approves of it, says I am doing well and to continue.  Fact is, I do not think I am doing well, but I am definitely sleeping and remaning stable.

With "well" being a relative term.  Not "well" as in previous life, but "well" all things considered.  For that I hope you credit yourself, even if you're not feeling it!

5 hours ago, steveb said:

I ended up using melatonin, which worked pretty good for me thank God.

I tried that, always preferring natural, it works for my daughter but did nothing for me.  2-4 hours sleep a night is NOT enough, esp. when I had a stressful job and commuted 100 miles/day!

 

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16 hours ago, AnnRA said:

Hey Folks - I will be real honest with you.  If I were not on meds, I doubt if I would get out of bed each day.  I am at 6 months.  My dr is carefully monitoring my progress.  I will not end up being “hooked” on anything.  Alcohol would be worse, recreational drugs would be worse,  overeating would be worse for health.  You need to be supervised by a good doctor.    I have returned to my previous job, have no family help, no children and live alone (housemate who sleeps here).  I believe I am doing the best I can do to take care of myself.  I highly recommend you all see your doctors and consider (with them) if meds can help you.   

I agree!  When George died I didn't care what or if I ate...after living like that for years, I knew I needed to make drastic changes (I was diagnosed diabetic after he passed) and finally after losing the weight and making the eating changes I needed (I've always walked), I have regained my health and have my diabetes managed without meds.  In the last nine days I finally have my BP under control too!

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

my cortisol levels were through the roof

Diabetics have higher cortisol too!  It took me years to accept the help I needed but I'm glad I did.  And now I realize it's up to me to research and manage my own health. 

14 hours ago, steveb said:

this is not the time to tough it out

Amen!

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foreverhis
On 5/14/2021 at 2:30 AM, AnnRA said:

Fact is, I do not think I am doing well, but I am definitely sleeping and remaning stable.  This exhaustion you are feeling is quite normal and can really drag you down further, so sleep meds can help with that.   I highly recommend it.

Ditto!  Though it's certainly a personal choice, I did learn that not sleeping made everything worse, though it was hard to imagine that it could be.

My doctor is pleased that I'm sleeping more, which helps me deal with my grief.  I guess that's enough for him for now.

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Markies liz

Hey all,

Thank you all for your advice and telling your situations.  Its helping me sort out my thoughts as far as what to do for myself.  I am realizing if I do decide to get the help it doesnt make me weak or like I'm taking an easy route.  This weekend I was sad alot again.  I had to several times at work run down to the basement to cry.  But I got myself together and continued my day.  I just cant get myself to stop thinking about what i lost.  The plans we had that now wont be done.  The vacation we had planned on.  I feel like I always come here with such a sad heart but I want to say that I really am trying guys. I'm trying so hard to be ok.  Tmrw I have a meeting with a recovery house 15 minutes from me and I'm a little nervous because it almost sounds like a job interview.  I'm excited though because I feel like that means I can finally help hands on instead of just donating etc. I hope helping people will help me get threw my days.  This hopeless feeling I often have is exhausting.   I have some good news though.  His parents finally reached out to me and they wanna come visit me sometime in the next month or 2 and bring me some ashes and visit with me and see his cats.  I'm SO greatful for this. I now feel so bad for getting so upset about them taking a break from communicating with me and  just as someone had suggested to give it time and let them grieve how they need to.   I've also been praying with a minister who is a family friend.   He has been kind and calls to pray when he knows I need it.   Like I said I'm trying everything I can to try to get threw this.  I got myself 2 new books about heaven.  I'm hoping that will also help me find more peace about where mark is now.  I know I still have alot of healing to do.  I'm still at the point of I dont wanna die but I dont wanna live.  My aunt always tells me I'm the best actress she ever met because I hide my pain so well.  I miss markie so much.  I literally started this email feeling like I'm gonna be ok and now I'm crying like a baby.  That is pretty much my life now days.  Just the other day I stopped at a green light.  I'm just so auto play right now it's insane.  My aunt and uncle made me a blanket from markies flannels and I cant even look at it yet it's still in the truck.  God this is so hard.  Well...I think I talked enough for one message.  Thank you all for listening.  Hope you all have a good Monday. 

Hugs to you all

Markies liz

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KayC

I am so glad his parents reached out to you and want to come and bring you some ashes!  AND you're starting volunteering, in a very constructive way at that!  I wish you well with it, and hope with you that it will be a positive experience.  Let us know how it goes!

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