young lgtbiq couple

[Mayluna]

Hi, my partner and best friend died in a car accident that was not her fault three months ago. She was 22 and I'm 21.She was my everything, the best person I have ever met. She was so delicate and intelligent.

Today is our aniversary, today we would be together for 5 years. I think there are some people who think that being young you have it easier and that the love can not be as profound as a 15 year marriage. But I can assure you that I've never known a love as beautiful as ours, because it was exactly the way we wanted it to be.

We lerned to be young adults together. Our individual way of doing things was closely influenced by the way we liked to create our present and future. We had babynames, dreams and inconditional support. She was my best friend and I was hers, and we just were lucky, because we also loved each other. 

Sometimes we thought that it was unfair that we were so happy and other just never find the right person. I found mine but now I don't know what to do with myself. I'm extremely passive thouwards my life and me being alive. I have a great supportnet including her parents, but in the end we all miss her in such a different way that we can't help each other, more than just hold us.

I lost my parter, the one person that enjoyed living the most. What happened to her was not her fault, she could not know that somebody else was driving recklessly. And i just hate this whole impotence of not being able to do anything for her. I just want to call her and tell me that she had a great day and kiss her and give her a hug and being able to continue dreming mondane things. 

Everytime I read a story of someone else I feel, like we are in this together but then again I grieve my loved one and you grieve yours. Does anyone else feel this way?

[KayC]

I am so sorry for the loss of your partner, I could relate as mine was everything to me also...we didn't meet until our mid-40s so I'm glad he made it long enough for us to get to know each other, but honestly, I think it's very hard for young people.  For one thing their friends aren't going through it (although ours hadn't either) and you mourn your loss of future & dreams together as well.  This wasn't the plan, we were supposed to grow old together, we'd even bought the porch swing so we could watch the hummingbirds together.

That's how I feel too, that we were so lucky to have each other in our lives.

Yes, we feel that way.  I'm glad you found your way here, it helps to express yourself to others that "get it."  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gail 8588]

Mayluna,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so unfair. You are so young and you had your whole future ahead of you.

Your friends and family will have a hard time understanding the depth of your pain, as they have never experienced a loss like this.  But the truth is even at my age (67) few people understand my loss.  Losing your true love is a very solitary experience at any age. 

Sadly, those of us on this site "get it".  Our lives have been shattered too. 

Come here to vent, question, rage, whatever.  It is so tragically unfair that your love was taken by such a random reckless accident. We will provide what support we can as you join us on this unwanted grief journey.  You are not alone. 

Hugs

Gail

[Mayluna]

You guys are so nice! ❤️Thank you so much! ❤️ I am so sorry for your loss. And I guess it really is solitary but I really try to keep love alive when I can. The worst is when I have the feeling that she really isn’t here anymore, and than sometimes I have moments in wich I feel like she is taking care of me. 
I hope you can get a hug from somebody you love and I will do the same ❤️
 

[jmmosley53]

8 hours ago, Mayluna said:

Today is our aniversary, today we would be together for 5 years. I think there are some people who think that being young you have it easier and that the love can not be as profound as a 15 year marriage. But I can assure you that I've never known a love as beautiful as ours, because it was exactly the way we wanted it to be.

Hello Mayluna,

Those people who think young love has less value are WRONG.  Falling in love  is such a special time, getting to know and trust someone is so sweet.  The pain of losing that love is horrible.  I am sorry you are having to endure that pain.

As an old women I look back on the first 5 years I spent with my husband as being exciting and full of adventure  and fun.  I miss those days very much. 

[Cindyd]

My husband and I fell in love at 13. Even back then we cared about each other so much we never did stuff like throw evil words at each other and we wanted he ototherto be happy even If it meant seperation. We felt like what we had was different than others our age. We were right. We survived a life time. We eventually separated at eighteen and we talked on phone just to hear the other was ok and happy for decades. We finally got back together 8  years ago and married. Some if my happiest years. He passed when we were both 48. He passed this last dec and it's created such a hole in me and my life. The world feels and looks weird different. We were so lucky. Thanks for sharing your story. It warmed my broken heart and brought me a rare smile. It seems u like me hold on to that love. I'm going on like he told me too someday but it's hard. I'll always remember those days spent laying in the sunshine listening to his stories. 

[KayC]

@Cindyd  Thank you for sharing that, you were meant to be together and then to lose each other so young, that's hard, we didn't meet until our mid-40s and he passed barely 51. I'm so glad we met but wish so much we could have grown old together, we wanted to be together forever.

[Mayluna]

9 hours ago, Cindyd said:

My husband and I fell in love at 13. Even back then we cared about each other so much we never did stuff like throw evil words at each other and we wanted he ototherto be happy even If it meant seperation. We felt like what we had was different than others our age. We were right. We survived a life time. We eventually separated at eighteen and we talked on phone just to hear the other was ok and happy for decades. We finally got back together 8  years ago and married. Some if my happiest years. He passed when we were both 48. He passed this last dec and it's created such a hole in me and my life. The world feels and looks weird different. We were so lucky. Thanks for sharing your story. It warmed my broken heart and brought me a rare smile. It seems u like me hold on to that love. I'm going on like he told me too someday but it's hard. I'll always remember those days spent laying in the sunshine listening to his stories. 

I absolutely love your story. Thank you so much for telling it. ❤️
It sounds like type of love we had. We met thanks to a lot of coincidences. But we just had this instant trust that bondend us and made our friendship be the guide in our relationship. We talked a lot about our relationship and knew that we would do anything to make each other happy, so we knew that eaven if we separated it would be to keep us in each others lifes. ❤️ These two last days I am extremely mad because we were supposed to have all our life ahead of us. There are countless things that we never get to do. I have the feeling that my thoughts make no sense without her input. And my joy for those little daily life things like cooking for eachother (which we loved doing because we both loved to cook like our grandmas showed us) or sleeping in each others arms, is just gone forever.
And I always have these nightmares where I do countless things to save her or find her but I never get to see her or know that she is okay. Sorry I ended here. But for real that your relationship sound beautiful and I am so glad you told us and I hope that sometimes you feel like he’s with you. ❤️

On 4/15/2021 at 10:51 PM, jmmosley53 said:

Hello Mayluna,

Those people who think young love has less value are WRONG.  Falling in love  is such a special time, getting to know and trust someone is so sweet.  The pain of losing that love is horrible.  I am sorry you are having to endure that pain.

As an old women I look back on the first 5 years I spent with my husband as being exciting and full of adventure  and fun.  I miss those days very much. 

Thank you so much. You are too sweet. ❤️ It’s exactly like you said it and in the end when you just love the way you love one another, thats all that matters. 

[Mayluna]

hi it's been a weird couple of weeks.

I'm mad at everything and not like in the first weeks when I hated everything in this world. Now I feel bitter, and I just want to be alone. I don't remember what I used to like doing because all I want to do is to see her again. I have never read so much about death and grief in my entire life. And I'm just so disapointed in life.

I really don't get why she died when she just was the most warmhearted and careful person in the world. I've never felt more secure in a car than when she was driving, because she was such a careful driver. I hate the fact that she had the accident in a road she knew and where we both pass countles times in the las 5 years. And what's more, it happened in her favourite place, the village her father grew up and in winter, her favourite time of the year to be there. I don't get how we have been able to pass that same spot hundrets of times and the one time, she is alone in the car a dumbass crosses her way. I also hate the fact that she didn't eaven have the oportunity to get better. I am so mad and depressed that I just want to be alone. I sometimes dream with her, but I just want to be able to call her and to see her again. I hate the fact that I will never ever see her coming through a door, or that I'll never hear her laughter when I'm being silly. She is my best friend and the sweetest person I know and I can't do anything to bring her back, and I don't get that. I'm a person who always takes matter into my own hands, but with this I can't do ****. 

I'm sorry for my venting. I hope you understand what I mean. 

[jmmosley53]

Mayluna,

I so get what you are describing.  I think it is pretty common to get angry about the circumstances of our loved one's death.  Of course knowing it is common is of small comfort.  Sadly there is no real comfort, you are right.  It isn't fair, it doesn't make sense.  If you depression becomes overwhelming see your doctor, they can prescribe meds to help.

Try to remember how much your beloved cared about you and your well being.  She would be upset knowing you were in pain and distress.

Let the sun shine dappled light through the window onto you; that will be her hugging you.

[KayC]

We do understand, and you have a lot to feel angry about.    I think a lot of us have experienced this.  I cried out WHY?!!! so much in that first year, only quitting when I realized there was no resounding answer.  It finally changed to now what, and that can take a long time to figure out.  What a process!  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  

[Gail 8588]

Mayluna, 

Of course you are mad.  It is a completely appropriate response to an injustice that has shattered your life and destroyed the future you were making together. 

We are all mad, because it is so unfair that we have lost the love of our lives. 

No need to apologize for being angry.  Eventually you will feel less angry, not because you don't have good reason to be mad, but because it is exhausting to be mad all the time.  It will wear you down and eventually you will loosen your grip on the anger. 

I am sorry this is such a long sad difficult process.  But you are working your way through your grief. 

Keep trudging on, one foot in front of the other, and try to take care of yourself, eat, sleep, shower occasionally. 

Gail

[LionsToLambs]

Mayluna... 

I lost my boyfriend , and my Best friend In a car accident 5 weeks ago. They were the two best people on this planet, and I just can’t make Sense of it. I am 26 years old, and he was 22, my best friend also in the car was 21.... 

 

I understand how you feel... I feel the same

way. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, LionsToLambs said:

Mayluna... 

I lost my boyfriend , and my Best friend In a car accident 5 weeks ago. They were the two best people on this planet, and I just can’t make Sense of it. I am 26 years old, and he was 22, my best friend also in the car was 21.... 

 

I understand how you feel... I feel the same

way. 

I am so sorry!  I especially feel bad for young people going through this as their peers are not.  My husband was 51, our friends in their 40s and even so, none of them had a clue what this was like.  You have found a good place here, with others that get it, and some young people also going through this.  I encourage you to continue coming here and reading/posting as you are able, it helps to express yourself and know you are heard and understood. 

You will get through this although you can't see this now.  It's been  nearly 16 years for me and it was a site like this that literally saved me when I most needed it, that's why I continue coming here, because I want to be here for others going through it.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Mayluna]

It helped my so much hearing your opinions about being angry at life and everything. And also the frase 

On 4/21/2021 at 8:19 PM, Gail 8588 said:

  Eventually you will feel less angry, not because you don't have good reason to be mad, but because it is exhausting to be mad all the time.  It will wear you down and eventually you will loosen your grip on the anger. 

 Really, because although I can talk to my family and friends, there are certain things that only people like us get. And it really helped me validate those ugly but necessary feelings. 

 

 

[Mayluna]

Also I wanted to ask for your opinion and experience. The thing is that these last days I’ve been feeling like I don’t want to talk about my emotions and grief with my family. I am not avoiding my grief, because I’ m constantly thinking and feeling it. But every time they ask me how I am or what I did today, I feel uncomfortable. And I know they meen well. But somehow I just don’t want to hear their opinion about my grief or their feeling because I see them having a kind-of-normal day. And somehow that makes me mad. Like sometimes I have the feeling that people ask me about my grief so they can talk. And I don’t mind if I know that in other moments when I’m not there, they are still coping with grief. But it makes me mas when I have the feeling that people avoid their grief until they see me or want to talk to me so they can vent. 
I know this still sounds pretty angry and resentful. But I really can’t help it right now. 

[Mayluna]

On 4/21/2021 at 4:47 PM, jmmosley53 said:

Mayluna,

I so get what you are describing.  I think it is pretty common to get angry about the circumstances of our loved one's death.  Of course knowing it is common is of small comfort.  Sadly there is no real comfort, you are right.  It isn't fair, it doesn't make sense.  If you depression becomes overwhelming see your doctor, they can prescribe meds to help.

Try to remember how much your beloved cared about you and your well being.  She would be upset knowing you were in pain and distress.

Let the sun shine dappled light through the window onto you; that will be her hugging you.

And this answer is just beautiful. Thank you so much. Really. I am going to therapy and it’s helping a lot, and I try to go out of the house once a day. And what you say about the sunshine, I did sit in the sun and it did feel like she was with me. So thank you agaiN ❤️

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Mayluna said:

But every time they ask me how I am or what I did today, I feel uncomfortable.

Tell them that.  Don't worry about sparing their feelings, YOUR feelings are primary right now!  YOU are the one trying to get through this!  That makes it about YOU, not them.  They knew him as someone they liked/cared about, YOU knew his as your WORLD!

 

[Mayluna]

On 4/28/2021 at 4:12 PM, KayC said:

Tell them that.  Don't worry about sparing their feelings, YOUR feelings are primary right now!  YOU are the one trying to get through this!  That makes it about YOU, not them.  They knew him as someone they liked/cared about, YOU knew his as your WORLD!

 

I did it thanks to you. Thank you❤️ 

[KayC]

Good for you!!

[Mayluna]

Hi,

I hate it here. I hate that life goes on, that other people have dreams and plans with their partners, i hate not knowing what life or death means. And I hate that there are so many people in this forum that lost someone they loved. I dont get it. Why should anyone die? I know it doesn’t make any sense but i really feel that way. I read all of your stories and the only thing i understand is that life is unpredictable. I’m even a little bit surprised I’m still alive. Because none of these passings make any sense to me so staying alive doesn’t make any sense ether. and I’m just so confused because I don’t know what I should do with my life and days. I don’t know, I feel like im saying nonsense. 
I have to say that there are some improvements like right now I have more moments that I don’t want to die and even some where I like being alive and I want to stay that way. 
Also i feel like it’s really difficult to do anything. Last weekend i was with a friend and i had to cut it short. Because seing her with her girlfriend was too much for me. But i love them both and i like being around them. Idk. Also my birthday is coming up and I’m going to try to treat it like any other day. Other than a family breakfast. I know that there are some people who are going to call me and that makes me super anxious. 
well that’s where I’m at. Also sometimes I’m unable to write here because just finding the words for what I’m feeling is overwhelming. I just miss my love. 
 

I hope you are nice to yourself and taking care ❤️❤️❤️

(also, english is not my first language so I’m sorry for all the errors;)

[Mayluna]

Also i have a lot of anxiety because of my fear of loosing more people. I always have the thought that maybe I just said or heard the last words of someone. And that pisses me of and it makes me so anxious everytime i get out of the house or someone is on their way home or so. I have the feeling that nothing is secure and i just want to protect everyone i know when I can’t even take care of myself. 

[Gail 8588]

Mayluna,

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  I recognize those feelings as very similar to how I felt. Confused, angry, afraid, lost, I could not articulate how I felt without sounding crazy. I felt I was going crazy.  I could not see anyway for me to continue living without my sweetheart.  I was so incomplete, so broken, I couldn't function as a real human being. I could barely be a zombie impersonating a human. And that took so much effort, for what purpose?  This was no life. My head hurt all the time. There were several times my heart hurt so much, real pain, that I thought most certainly I am dying.  A human body cannot endure this level of pain. 

But I didn't die. But I still could not actually live. I just shuffled through life nodding and saying very little.  How could this be? How is the world still going on?  I couldn't make sense of it. 

I lost all connection to the world. I couldn't feel anything.  Even things that I intellectually knew should be a joyful event, such as the birth of my first grandchild, held no joy for me.  Oh I said " this is wonderful" but I felt nothing. 

I wandered lost for 3 years. I felt I couldn't go on. I had to either die or get better.  And for whatever reason, I really don't know, I started getting better. It wasn't like flipping a switch and all of a sudden I was whole again. It was gradual. I did work at it, making myself learn something new (I took up piano), I looked for small joys and out loud, said how much I valued them. Lots of other little affirmations of life. 

I have changed.  I do see a path forward to living as a human again.  I feel emotions again. 

I write all this to try to give you some hope.  Your journey will not take the 3 years mine did.  We are all unique and I had some challenges that you most likely won't have.

Just know that you are not crazy. This is grief.  You will find your way back to the world.  Don't give up hope. 

Gail

 

[chincube]

On 4/28/2021 at 5:20 AM, Mayluna said:

Like sometimes I have the feeling that people ask me about my grief so they can talk. And I don’t mind if I know that in other moments when I’m not there, they are still coping with grief. But it makes me mas when I have the feeling that people avoid their grief until they see me or want to talk to me so they can vent. 
I know this still sounds pretty angry and resentful. But I really can’t help it right now. 

I am very sorry for your loss, I think having the face such intense grief at such young age is very very hard. I'm much older than you but still considered "young-ish", that at least I have only known one person my age who encountered such grief. Since then until now, I feel like I'm completely out of place among my peers and friends, I cannot pinpoint but it's like I've known a secret knowledge that nobody else know.

I am no sure if what you described above is referring to people who is grieving your girlfriend as well, or their own separate grief. But the strangest thing happened to me these 2 years, that people who haven't been that good at keeping up just showed up randomly, to tell me a loss they encountered recently and vent on hours everyday for few weeks. And then they disappeared, next time they show up again it's also about same grief, or someone else died. I feel very bitter, because when my loss was fresh these same people did not offer kind words but insensitive things like "but how can you feel so bad, you're not together that long!" or "well, everything has a silver lining. maybe him dying opens a door that leads to better things" And then when they encounter grief themselves, I become a therapist. But then my case is a bit extreme, they're not my family at least and they never were there for me.

I'd say take care of yourself, change subject when you want, avoid when you want. You are very hurt yourself now, you have no responsibility to others and only you are taking care of yourself.

12 hours ago, Mayluna said:

I’m just so confused because I don’t know what I should do with my life and days. I don’t know, I feel like im saying nonsense. 
I have to say that there are some improvements like right now I have more moments that I don’t want to die and even some where I like being alive and I want to stay that way. 
Also i feel like it’s really difficult to do anything. Last weekend i was with a friend and i had to cut it short. Because seing her with her girlfriend was too much for me. But i love them both and i like being around them. Idk. Also my birthday is coming up and I’m going to try to treat it like any other day. Other than a family breakfast. I know that there are some people who are going to call me and that makes me super anxious. 

All of your feelings are absolutely okay and legitimate. Be kind to yourself, don't judge your own feelings and be compassionate on what you need at the moment. If you need to cut it short, do it. Socializing can become very tiring, cutting it short, or less frequent maybe good for yourself if you don't feel like it.

12 hours ago, Mayluna said:

Also i have a lot of anxiety because of my fear of loosing more people. I always have the thought that maybe I just said or heard the last words of someone. And that pisses me of and it makes me so anxious everytime i get out of the house or someone is on their way home or so. I have the feeling that nothing is secure and i just want to protect everyone i know when I can’t even take care of myself. 

Me too. Worse is that for quite some time I had been very easy to anger and bitter, that I lash out easily and sometimes pick fight with people I actually care about. Then when that person inevitably kept some distance temporarily (few hours or a day or 2), I suddenly start panicking that they'd die and that would be our last conversation.

I still have no answer for that, I still have ptsd and fear of people dying. That is one of the reasons I've gone back to therapy after more than a year, but it's established that my fear does not come from nowhere, and all I can do is to be kind to myself.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Mayluna said:

I don’t know what I should do with my life

It took me a few years to realize that my purpose in life is to be here for all of you...in that way it makes what I've been through count for something.  My heart will forever hurt for others going through this.

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Mayluna said:

my fear of loosing more people.

This is normal after losing someone so essential to us.  The whole time I had my dog, Arlie 10 1/2 years, I feared losing him...I did, to cancer.  Yes, there is always the unknown factor, none of us take life for granted any more, it's as if an innocence was stolen from us, the innocence of thinking our lives will go on like it has...

 

10 hours ago, chincube said:

I feel very bitter, because when my loss was fresh these same people did not offer kind words but insensitive things like "but how can you feel so bad, you're not together that long!" or "well, everything has a silver lining. maybe him dying opens a door that leads to better things"

These people were insensitive in your need and then selfish in their own.  I've encountered these people...a couple we were friends with literally disappeared, left no forwarding address.  The husband had the nerve to contact me when his wife died, then tried to hit on me!  It wasn't long before he died as well.  I'm there for their grown kids, but...