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[Gramma10]

I lost my husband this past December. I didn't think I would grieve because we haven't lived together for almost 4 years.  Boy, was I wrong! About a month ago the grief slammed into me and it's getting worse everyday. I've been trying to find a grief counselor and/or a support group here in Missouri, but I keep hitting brick walls. The earliest counseling appointment I can find is 3 weeks away, and I can't find a support group. I suffer from depression anyway, so losing Richard has really nailed me. 

I just need someone to hear me, and to honor my grief.  I have no support here at all.  I feel abandoned, isolated, and unseen. 

On top of losing Richard, he left me a huge financial mess to untangle. All I want to do is cry and stare at a wall. 

 

[Gail 8588]

Gramma10, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Love and grief are complicated sometimes.  Even though you had not been living together, it doesn't mean you didn't have a bond. 

With his death so much was lost, permanently.  There is a lot to work through emotionally and financially. 

Grief can make it so hard to think about or plan for the future, because your future always had him in it.  It doesn't make sense, how can there be a future without him in the world. 

We have all struggled/struggle with this impossible question.  We understand how hard this can be. 

I hope you will come here to rant, cry or question as you feel the need.  Or just read the posts of others.  There is some comfort in knowing you are not alone. 

Try to focus on just what needs to be done today.  Leave figuring out the future to a time down the road. It's too overwhelming to try to figure out the future right now. 

One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. 

Hugs

Gail

 

[ScotJ65]

12 hours ago, Gramma10 said:

I just need someone to hear me, and to honor my grief.  I have no support here at all.  I feel abandoned, isolated, and unseen. 

Hi Gramma10, I'm so sorry for your loss and the emotional distress you're facing right now. I can hardly believe the neglected state of the mental health support system these days. It's absolutely shocking. We're so fortunate to have this wonderful group, so don't ever feel abandoned, isolated, unseen or unheard. We're all here to listen and help each other. You'll never be alone here, and will find a way through this. God bless, and take care of yourself. ((((Hugs))))

[KayC]

@Gramma10  I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in!  Nothing neat and tidy about love, life, circumstances!  Your emotions are valid, even if they're at odds with each other or don't make rational sense at times...feelings don't have to!  Do you have any support, children nearby?  It might pay to see an attorney about the financial mess, laws vary in different states about what you are or are not responsible for.  I had the hospital hounding me for George's bills and I had no $ so I refinanced my home that I had before we married, big mistake!  I later found out I wasn't responsible for his medical (in this state) but too late, all I knew is they wanted to charge 29% interest and I'd never get it paid off at that rate whereas I could get a home loan for much less.  It's a mobile home on property and now it's aging as I am and expensive to keep afloat but now rent has risen as well so although I have a plan, it's a long arduous road to getting it paid off. 

We welcome you here and hope you'll continue to come and pour out your feelings and questions, we want to be here for you.

It sounds like what you're going through is disenfranchised grief, which not all family/friends get, but I hope yours do.

Grief Process
Disenfranchised Grief: 22 Examples, Signs, and Tips
Disenfranchised Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies
Disenfranchised Grief: When Grief and Grievers Are Unrecognized - SocialWorker.com
Grief specialist
Grief Support
Grief Support Groups
Grief Support Online: An Invitation
Support, lack of
COVID-19 and Grief
COVID-19 Grief Guide
 

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[jmmosley53]

Hello Gramma10,

Of course you are grieving your husband. Yada-Yada, about being separated.  You loved that man at one time and I am sure he had a big place in your heart.  Your loss is as serious, and heartbreaking as anyone else's who has lost a loved one.

Give your self time to grieve.  Come here if you feel like you are becoming over whelmed with emotion.  We understand.  

Don't worry about the financial stuff right now, call the debt holder and tell them you'll get back to them when things are settled. You are still in shock and should not make big decisions right now.  Be satisfied with getting up and dressed and eating a meal.  For now that is enough.