Love of my life died suddenly (covid) and I can't accept it -- so many regrets

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I need to move out of this apartment and find a new one before end of July.

I am so sorry!  That is very hard, you are certainly in my prayers, I hope you find something soon so it'll be another worry off of you, but I realize this is a loss, whenever we leave the place we shared and knew each other.  
Check out the "Home" on this article link:

Secondary losses

[April Ballou]

I had to get a new place shortly after Darrell passed away.  It wasn't because of a lease it was to stay warm.  But God provided.  Even though I got a new home I kept several things that were Darrell's.  I have a wall in my living room with knock knacks that belonged to him. I think it helps him be here but not.  If that makes any sense.  I pray that you find a place quickly.

[Jemiga70]

@April Ballou @KayC  Thank you both for your comforting words.  This forum is one of the few places where I can come and find some  comfort in this horrible time. Thank God it's open 24/7.  KayC thanks for the link to secondary loss. It was helpful. April, I feel for you with Darrell's upcoming birthday and your anniversary.  I went through that (my wife's b-day) last week. Prayers to you both.

[April Ballou]

@Jemiga70 my prayers are with you also.  I wouldn't wish this on anybody.  This is a loss that will be with us all for the rest of our lives.  I pray to God daily.  This forum has helped alot.  Just knowing that I'm not alone.  Even though I am.  

[KayC]

15 hours ago, April Ballou said:

I have a wall in my living room with knock knacks that belonged to him. I think it helps him be here but not.  If that makes any sense.

It does make sense.  You did the best you could and brought him with you, so to speak.  I would do the same if I had to move.  Some things I'll never get rid of.  I even have Arlie's (dog) coat on my chair, he'll be gone two years next month.  But I can't imagine parting with it and hold it sometimes.  I have a poster board filled with pictures of George of his life before me, his life with me, I spent 17 hours making it after he passed.  It felt therapeutic, I won't ever let go of it.  I will never get rid of his robe either.

12 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

This forum is one of the few places where I can come and find some  comfort in this horrible time.

And that is so important!  I've found it really helped, having forums like this!  Good to know we aren't alone in how we feel.

[April Ballou]

Well it's been 10 months today when Darrell passed away.  As I lay in my bed crying.  Thinking, wishing, praying it still seems like yesterday.  It's a memory that will never go away.  Wondering if I made the right choice, or if I should have waited.  But I knew in my heart that those machines were the only thing that was keeping him alive, if you call that living.  And I knew that he didn't want to be like that.  So many questions so many memories.  So much loneliness.  And all I can do is cry and pray.  Nobody here but me.  Everybody that I know are busy.  Why does it have to be so hard?  When does it get better or easier?  Somebody please help me.  

[KayC]

1 hour ago, April Ballou said:

When does it get better or easier?

Oh Hon, I remember wondering the same thing.  No one can tell you that as we're all on different timetables and unique in how we cope, just as our relationships are unique.  But the intensity of pain will lessen, it cannot stay in the same level as at the beginning, thankfully.  But easy?  No.  Nothing easy about this, not even after 16 years.

[Gail 8588]

April Ballou, 

I am so sorry you are in such pain. I don't know why it is so hard, but I agree it is incredibly hard. 

It took a long time for me, but the pain has greatly lessened.  I hope your grief will evolve into something more tolerable soon. 

Gail

[April Ballou]

Thanks to all the good comments.  This forum and a couple of others that I found on grieving.com has helped.  Just to know that I'm not alone at least as far as how I feel.  Well I decided to go to Galveston Wednesday and spend the night and ride the ferry Thursday.  In case y'all are wondering, we spread Darrell's ashes in the ocean off the ferry in Galveston.  So in honor of his birthday, I'm going to swim in the ocean just to be close to his remains. Even though I know where he is but maybe I'm crazy.  Still trying to cope without the love of my life.  Still trapped in a maze.

[KayC]

Hon, if you're crazy, we all are, do what bring YOU comfort/peace.  I hope it helps you to know where he is.  Sending you much love and caring!

[foreverhis]

22 hours ago, April Ballou said:

  So in honor of his birthday, I'm going to swim in the ocean just to be close to his remains. Even though I know where he is but maybe I'm crazy.  Still trying to cope without the love of my life.  Still trapped in a maze.

It's no crazier than me schlepping around the house in John's old, getting raggy flannel shirts.  It's no crazier than me keeping his hairbrush in the bathroom drawer because some of his gray hair is stuck in it.

We're all handle it in our own way.  Trying to cope without our soulmates, accepting that we have to figure out a different life, and just getting out of bed each day makes us a little bit (sometimes, a lot) crazy.

[April Ballou]

Thank you @foreverhis I know everybody deals with grief in their own way.   And I know all of us in this forum have lost their loved one.   It is a comfort knowing that someday somehow it lessens.  I have good days, but then there's the bad ones where I just cry all day.  I was gonna go to Galveston by myself but my sons girlfriend said no.  So they are gonna go with me.  Still dont know how to handle the 31st.  I know God will help me.  It's the anniversary without my other half, so I guess it's not our anniversary.   I dont know too confusing.  

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, April Ballou said:

. . .  I dont know too confusing.  

April, 

I agree, wedding anniversaries are confusing.  For me it has become a private sad day.  "We" will always only have 38 wedding anniversaries.  But this year on that day, it will be my 43 anniversary of the day I said "I do".  Various family members have always called me on the day just to say - thinking of you.  But I have declined any offers of company. 

It is just a really sad day for me.  I don't want to expend the energy needed to pretend it doesn't still hurt, so I'd rather be alone. 

Gail 

[April Ballou]

Thanks for the advice @Gail 8588, I really appreciate it.  I was grateful that my children kept me company for the holidays and I was with his mother and step dad on mother's day and Fathers day.  And Wednesday my son and his girlfriend are going with me to Galveston.  Still not liking the fact that he's gone, still have days of crying on and off all day.  It's the nights sometimes that are the hardest.  But I know that it will get better.  God is helping me, just as this forum.  It's nice to have people that understand what I'm going through.  Thanks to everybody.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, April Ballou said:

It's the anniversary without my other half, so I guess it's not our anniversary.   I dont know too confusing.  

Just my perspective, of course, but I still consider our anniversary to be our anniversary.  John is not here by my side now, but he is not gone from my heart and soul.  He is present for me every day in so many ways.  I know that where he is now is a wonderful place to be and I hope that when it's my time, he will be waiting for me with open arms and a loving heart, having forgiven me my faults and imperfections as I have long ago forgiven his.

I don't know how to say it.  There is so much about our wonderous, mysterious universe that we don't and can't fathom with our human minds.  I believe, as an act of faith, that our souls continue and that I will be reunited with my one love.

It doesn't make my life now any easier, but sometimes it helps me get through a dark day.

[Gina Mahlan]

51 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

It doesn't make my life now any easier, but sometimes it helps me get through a dark day.

To foreverhis, April, Gail, Kay C and all those who are missing their loved ones right now.  Damon has been gone for 15 months and I am like all of you.  One of you said your life was, like walking around in a maze, like our lives are a jigsaw puzzle, some of the last few pieces have been lost, so the puzzle can never be complete. Maybe as time goes on, that hole in our hearts won't hurt so much, but the one thing I cling to is the strong belief that we will meet our loved ones again someday in God's Kingdom.  Someone who knew I was hurting after Damon passed gave me this note to read.  It has helped to take away some of the pain and I hope it will help you as well.

To My Husband in Heaven:    I was supposed to SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE with you, and then I realized....you spent THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with me.  I SMILE, because I know YOU LOVED ME till the day you went away AND WILL KEEP LOVING ME till the day.......We're together again!

 

[Jemiga70]

2 hours ago, Gina Mahlan said:

Someone who knew I was hurting after Damon passed gave me this note to read.

Gina, someone I know gave me this note, written by Henry Scott Holland (1847 - 1918) who was Regius Professor of Divinity at the University of Oxford. It has given me some comfort -- though I must stress that it DOES NOT take away the sting of not having my wife around in physical, earthly form, and for that reason I can't buy into some of Mr Holland's sentiments. It still hurts like hell and I break down at least once a day. It's been 2.5 months. At any rate, I share it here. Perhaps it'll give somebody else some comfort as well.

"Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well."

[KayC]

14 hours ago, April Ballou said:

Still dont know how to handle the 31st.  I know God will help me.  It's the anniversary without my other half, so I guess it's not our anniversary.

I never know what to do with our wedding anniversary.  The day that was the happiest day in our life is now bittersweet because that happiness in what we had is now painful in his absence, if that makes any sense.  Do we "celebrate it?"  It hardly feels celebratory alone, without him here.  I can't help but think how vastly different my life would be if he were here with me.  I try not to go there, it drags me down.  Comparisons do that.

Anniversary of a Loved One's Death
Anniversary of Death
Wedding Anniversary
Wedding Anniversary after Death

[April Ballou]

Well thanks to both of my kids we went and swam in the ocean yesterday and rode the ferry today in memory of Darrell.  Strange fact.  In November of 1981 I met Darrell and we got married in July 1982.  We spread his ashes in the ocean November of 2020 and came back in July 2021.  Maybe we could do that every year.

[KayC]

That would be nice, maybe on his anv of death every year?  

[April Ballou]

So many emotions, so many memories.  Why am I all alone?  Kids are grown with families of their own.  And what about this coming Saturday?  I just wanna run away.  But don't know where I would go.  But no matter where I am or what I do I will always remember the day I got married.

[KayC]

It was the most special day of my life, that and the day my kids were born.  You're in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this.

Maybe running away for a day or two wouldn't be such a bad idea...head someplace you find serene.  I never want to spend the $ but someday I need to do that, perhaps for our anniversary, take Kodie and go to the coast.  Besides, it's "off-season" so not as spendy...there goes the practical side of me again.

[April Ballou]

Well it was 11 months ago Darrell passed away.  I was sitting on the couch looking at his picture crying.  Seems like yesterday.  Darrell I know where you are, but know this I will always love you, I miss you.  I dont know what to do.  I miss those hugs and kisses.  I think I'm falling apart.  God please help me. 

[KayC]

(((hugs)))

[Jemiga70]

@April Ballou April I'm so very sorry for you.  I have some idea of what you're going through now because it was just over 3 months ago that my beloved wife crossed over (May 3rd).  There are no days without tears around here.

[April Ballou]

@Jemiga70 sorry about your wife.  It's hard to lose the love of your life.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.   Our lives will never be the same.

[Bennie Jets]

On 7/3/2021 at 10:41 PM, Jemiga70 said:

@Mark loves Sandra I get it. Sadly, I really really get it.

It's been 2 months to the day for me. When you say "drift through life" and "come to grips with the idea that I can't fix this" I totally hear you. Last Sunday was my wife's birthday. This past week has been the worst week since the first one. All kinds of "woulda / coulda / why didn't we / why didn't I / how come we didn't..... Endless.

And now I'm dealing with a SECOND loss -- obviously not life shattering but disruptive and stressful enough to ratchet up my anxiety to uncomfortable levels -- that is, I need to move out of this apartment and find a new one before end of July. Great. Moving out of the space that was our home. Can't stay here. The lease is up and cannot be renewed.

Sorry, Mark, if I'm venting.... It's just that your story resonated with me (we're about the same age too) and it seems like you get it, you understand.

I wish you well, man. I'm so sorry for what you're going through too.

@Jemiga70 Thank you so much for sharing. I thought I would burst before I read your post and strangely, it helps me. "All kinds of "woulda / coulda / why didn't we / why didn't I / how come we didn't..... Endless." I could have written that and it is so strange and somewhat comforting to know that someone else gets it. I am sorry you are here. Also grateful for your words.

My husband died in January 2021 and I thought I was getting better, crying less, coming to terms with things as they are.

Today I went to visit his father and brought a lot of my husband's old photos to look at. I also had to fill out his life insurance policy as they threaten to give the money to the state if I don't repond by August 20. All this was stressful and on the drive home I was terribly shaken by grief again. It was as if it started all over again: I just wanted him back! The way it was when we were the happiest together. Wanted to have the time to retire together and unwind and get that childish joy together again that we had before everything went South. The photos were from happier times, before he got sick, and I longed so much for those days and quit accepting fate again which causes pain of course - like your heart goes into the blender! When you can't let go, you get shredded and I did not care and cried bitterly all the way home.

The trigger was a turn in the street we used to drive home on together. I remembered what he said to me there and it all came roaring back. The way he was and how much I miss him!

How much I would have wanted to make him happier, be happier with him - screw the jobs and all that worldly stress - why didn't we/why didn't I/I wish I had...yeah, I know.

I hope the new place can give you some peace and you could save many memories (photos and things) to still be there for you!

[April Ballou]

@Bennie Jets I know what your talking about, all the questions still run through my mind.  And the anniversary of his death is coming up.  Everybody seems to have forgotten about him except me.  I talk to his photos, a stuffed animal he gave me, and a variety of things that remind me of him.  I still miss him very much probably always will.  I'm sorry for all of us that are dealing with this loss.  And now the love of our lives will never be replaced or forgotten.   Darrell was my everything,  I am still trying to find myself.  I dont know what to do anymore.  It seems like all I do is the wrong thing.  But my emotions get the best of me.  God please help each and everyone of us in this forum. 

[Bennie Jets]

51 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

@Bennie Jets I know what your talking about, all the questions still run through my mind.  And the anniversary of his death is coming up.  Everybody seems to have forgotten about him except me.  I talk to his photos, a stuffed animal he gave me, and a variety of things that remind me of him.  I still miss him very much probably always will.  I'm sorry for all of us that are dealing with this loss.  And now the love of our lives will never be replaced or forgotten.   Darrell was my everything,  I am still trying to find myself.  I dont know what to do anymore.  It seems like all I do is the wrong thing.  But my emotions get the best of me.  God please help each and everyone of us in this forum. 

I am sure what you are doing is right. You are sharing and being compassionate on this forum, is something that I can see. 

[Jemiga70]

On 8/16/2021 at 4:05 AM, Bennie Jets said:

Thank you so much for sharing. I thought I would burst before I read your post and strangely, it helps me.

@Bennie Jets  You are welcome. It's funny -- I never realized that someone else could read something that I wrote and find some kind of comfort in it.  I suppose that's the beauty of this forum. You never know when you'll read something that resonates strongly.

I'm sorry you lost your husband. Sounds like we understand each other, the woulda shoulda coulda wish I had why didn't I ...

Triggers are always lurking aren't they. I have mine. I can never go back to a hospital.

I hear you about the jobs and worldly stress... all meaningless at the end of the day. What does it matter -- and what does it matter especially now? Since my beloved crossed over, in terms of work/job I've resolved to live with as little responsibility and stress as possible. Clock in clock out see you in the morning that's all folks. Because it doesnt matter anymore. There will be no retirement and that's OK.

Yes thank you, Ive saved everything of my Angel's that meant something to me or us: clothes, shoes, blankets, photos of course, even things like the shower cap she wore, because her scent is still on it and I've put in inside a zip bag to preserve it, thanks to @KayC for that suggestion.

You take care. << HUGS >>

[Jemiga70]

On 8/16/2021 at 8:47 AM, April Ballou said:

all the questions still run through my mind.  And the anniversary of his death is coming up.

@April Ballou  Hi April I understand this believe me. I'm so sorry.  We are emotional beings and emotions CAN get the better of us at times. You're still grieving and that's totally all right in my opinion. There is no deadline for grief.

I have my own other kind of anniversary coming up in a few months; will I be in pieces by then or will I be OK?  I don't know. One hour at a time.

Praying for you.

[April Ballou]

Thank you @Jemiga70.  Yeah it's those holidays, birthdays, anniversaries  that are the hardest.  We had our original anniversary which sometimes all we did was tell each other "I love you" and "happy anniversary " but we always had each other this year was hard.  Thank God my oldest granddaughter was with me.  We also renewed our wedding vows on our 20th anniversary  but it was a couple of days after our original wedding date, but we never celebrated it.   I miss those hugs, his smile, and his eyes.  So many other things.  I know we all have the same thing missing our loved one, wishing that they could come back.  May God comfort and keep each and everyone in this forum. 

[KayC]

@Jemiga70  Are we ever okay again?  We learn to cope but it takes MUCH time and process...somehow we live.

[April Ballou]

So tomorrow will be a year.  Still love and miss Darrell.   Still want him back.  Still very lonely.  When do the tears stop? What do I do now? It seems like I'm the only one that misses him.  Nobody has said a word to me, not even a text message.  God please help me. 

[Sparky1]

1 hour ago, April Ballou said:

So tomorrow will be a year.  Still love and miss Darrell.   Still want him back.  Still very lonely.  When do the tears stop? What do I do now? It seems like I'm the only one that misses him.  Nobody has said a word to me, not even a text message.  God please help me. 

April, for me it will soon be 11 months and I'm still having a very hard time with the loss of my wife. I can sympathize with you, I miss her more than anything. I keep thinking of how lost and devastated I am without her. She gave me strength, hope, courage, everything. With her I had no fear of the future or of anything. She was my other half, she made me complete. Now I feel lonely, downcast,  uncertain of what the future holds. My tears come often and plenty, I've lost the most important thing in my life and nothing can replace her, she truly was the best thing that ever happened to me, she was and still is my soulmate. I pray that I don't have to wait long to be reunited with her.

[April Ballou]

@Sparky1, I know that feeling.  Darrell was my best half, my life.  I an so lost.  I feel like I'm lost in a maze.  The only help that I get is from God. I pray for all of us in this forum.   We will get through this together. 

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, April Ballou said:

So tomorrow will be a year.  Still love and miss Darrell.   Still want him back.  Still very lonely.  When do the tears stop? What do I do now? It seems like I'm the only one that misses him.  Nobody has said a word to me, not even a text message.  God please help me. 

Oh April, I'm so sorry that the people in your life seem to have deserted you at this triggering time.  I think that sometimes others just can't deal with us, with knowing that it's the day our lives were shattered forever.  Often they want to understand, but know they can't.  Other times, we make them uncomfortable because we are a stark remember that "this could and someday likely will happen to you."  It's as if some people consider our grief and loss contagious or something.  And sometimes I think that couples simply don't know how to relate to half of an "and."

I wish I could tell you that the tears stop, but like much of my grief journey that's not happened.  What has changed is how often and how deeply I cry.  It took more than a year, closer to 2 years I guess, to really be able to smile and laugh at the memories of our decades together.  It's a slow pace for me, but it has happened.  I'll be blunt:  I still cry at some point pretty much every day.  The thing is that it's usually not hours of wracking sobs, though that still happens at times. 

I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't still lonely without him, even with the small, but wonderful loving circle I have around me.  I miss him every minute of every day, but that missing no longer crushes me under its weight.  I would give anything, do anything to have John back with me, healthy and strong.  I've stopped asking why because I know I will not get any answers in this life time.

The truth is that no one misses them like we do.  How could it be otherwise?  But that does not excuse your friends and family from ignoring you like this.  Please know that we're thinking of you and sending prayers to help get you through the day. ((HUGS))

[KayC]

April, I'm so sorry that people haven't come forward for you.  Sometimes it's up to us to reach out for support, maybe call a friend for lunch, I've been alone all of my anv. of death, it's like people don't know what to say or do...so they do nothing.  It's not right, I know.  In the grief support group I had before Covid we would reach out to each other on those "special days" that were so hard.  Now people have zoom meetings, not the same as in person where you can hug each other.  Living alone I have no touch excepting my puppy.  I thank God for him.

You will be in each one of our thoughts/prayers today, we are the ones who know...sending you virtual hugs.

[April Ballou]

Thanks for the support 

[mfreedmn97]

Mark I understand. The feelings are overwhelming. I lost my wife two weeks ago. I am in a horrible place - like you - and it’s taking all I have to put one foot in front of the other. Brother do I ever get what you wrote. Stay strong. I’ll try to do the same. 

[aaammmccc]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't know if it helps, but i have regrets, too. My GF was talking of marriage--i told her just the thought of it terrified me, to wait more to talk about it. I was MORE terrified to tell her that part of me DID want to marry her, that I hated my fears. They seem so stupid now. She died not knowing that. I have a lot of regrets like that regarding her. 

We are all simple, dumb humans. I think most of us thought we had more time. 

You showed her you loved her a million other ways throughout your time together. I dont think she doubted your love. 

[April Ballou]

@aaammmccc its horrible for us all in this group, we all have lost that someone special.   It doesn't matter if you were married or not.  You loved your GF.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's hard to imagine your life without her.  I know it's been just a little over a year since my husband died.   And I'm still lost.  I always depended on Darrells point of view, anytime I needed an opinion on something,  he gave it to me.  Now I'm so alone.  I hate being alone.  I have a big house.  Now what?  So many questions,  with nobody to answer me.

 

 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, aaammmccc said:

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't know if it helps, but i have regrets, too. My GF was talking of marriage--i told her just the thought of it terrified me, to wait more to talk about it. I was MORE terrified to tell her that part of me DID want to marry her, that I hated my fears. They seem so stupid now. She died not knowing that. I have a lot of regrets like that regarding her. 

We are all simple, dumb humans. I think most of us thought we had more time. 

You showed her you loved her a million other ways throughout your time together. I dont think she doubted your love. 

Tell her those things now.  I mean talk to her aloud!  Most of us do it.  Write her a letter and burn it and send the wafts up to her!  Send a message in a balloon!  I've done all of that...my husband lives on in me now, nothing has changed except our ability to interact with them the way we used to...which was pretty much everything...but the love is still there, very real, it will never die.

I am very sorry for your loss.  Our regrets are a way of looking at different possible endings to this story besides the one that happened as it's too inconceivable to us.  But the one that happened is what we're left with, it takes much time to process their death, none of us wanted this.  

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gina Mahlan]

It's been awhile since I've been on here, and it was good to see all the familiar names still checking in.  It has been 18 months since Damon left me and went to heaven.  I remember telling him at the end not to be afraid, that his mama was waiting for him and I would see him again.  Now, as I look back, I don't know how I got through that first year, when I think about it, it felt like I moved like a robot in a maze.  On top of losing my love, we went into a lockdown, limiting our movements out and about. Maybe that was good, I really didn't want to see anyone. But, I did miss having someone to talk to.  My mother was always my rock, but she passed away 4 years ago.....when I lost her, my ex-husband became my hearing piece, then he passed away.  I have 4 grown children, but they only tolerated Damon all the years we were together.  I think they always felt if he had not come into my life, I would have ended up back with their father.  But once Damon was gone, they have become much more sympathetic as to how I am feeling. My daughter has told me I need to process my grief, to cry, not to hold anything inside.  Time does heal much, I can now go grocery shopping without breaking down seeing things I used to buy for him, I can look at pictures without dissolving into a puddle of tears most of the time.  I can talk about Damon to friends and sometimes laugh, but many times the voice still starts to crack.  In some ways, this second year seems harder than the first...maybe it's the accepting that I won't see him or laugh with him again.  Like all of you have said, it's realizing that the trips you planned to take will never happen, you'll never have that meal at your special restaurant again, the hole in your heart will never completely close.  For those of you who are at the very beginning of your grief journey know that, as horrible as it is, it will get better over time.     

[April Ballou]

@Gina Mahlan I understand what you are talking about.  When Darrell passed away I felt like I was in a maze.  I did the things that needed to be done,  but felt empty inside.  I was with Darrell 38 years.  I never lived alone before but God has been helping me every step of the way.  I changed alot of things.  Still miss him but I'm learning how to live a single life.   I still cry some just not around people.   This is a life that God has given to me and I know with Gods help, I will be an overcomer.

[KayC]

@Gina Mahlan  I know what you speak of too, everything you've said is classic right on!  It's how I felt back then too, time may have passed but still alone and I good and well realize he's not coming back...over 16 years of doing it alone, no one to talk things over with, no one to consult with on decisions, no one to help through surgeries, no one to enjoy life with.  It was hard getting groceries as we always did it together, even now it hits when I see couples getting groceries together.  Sometimes I wonder why this old couple got to remain together while we were torn apart way too young, but I know it does no good to ask why, never get an answer and it's futile, it is what it is.

I have my puppy.  And yes, like you, @April Ballou, I have God but sometimes I want God with skin on, like the little boy in the story...

"A little boy reached that terrifying time of day when his mother would turn out the lights in his room and leave him for the night. Afraid of the dark and of being by himself he cried out for his mother to stay. Being a woman of faith, she reassured her son that God would be with him through the night. 'But, Mama,' he cried, 'I need God with skin on!' "

[April Ballou]

@KayC it's hard thing to go through no matter how you look at it.  God has been the only constant in throughout all of this.  But that's just how I deal with things.

[KayC]

He is and has been...I just told pretty much a recap of my life in Realization & some of what I've been through, I don't know what I'd do without God, He's been there with me, through it all, even when I couldn't see it.

[April Ballou]

Yes God has kept me from falling into pieces.   This is the hardest thing that I have ever been through.   I'm getting stronger everyday.  Getting on track.  Finding my way through the maze.  Still missing Darrell,  still hate being alone.  But for now this is my life.

[Gina Mahlan]

Wow, April and Kay, it seems we have been pretty much living the same life recently.  I could not have gotten this far without God and His mother by my side.  I picture Damon up there with Him (I hope).  When we met, even though we were both baptized and raised in Christian homes, he had fallen away from the church.  So I continued going to mass every Sunday, and after a few months, began taking his aunt and mother to mass as well.  Our first Easter together, he remarked that maybe he would go with me.  Damon worked security, with odd hours, but mostly at night.  So, I would go to mass and he would leave for work.  Although he never became a fervent Catholic again, there were times he would ask me if we could pray.  After he had fallen and broken his hip that landed him in a short term rehab, my sisters came to visit and asked if they could pray with him.  He said yes, and during the prayer, he just kept asking God to take care of me, to just watch over me.  I think he knew then he might not return home and what a burden that would be on me. He began attending a bible study they had at the nursing facility, and welcomed someone coming from the local parish on Sundays who prayed and gave Communion. It was then I realized God's plan in all of this.  He meant for me to meet Damon and bring him back into the fold so that one day we would be together in God's kingdom.  Many times in the last 18 months, when I was at my lowest, I would just ask God to help me and He always did. When I came to this support group last year, I would read about others coming out of the fog and slowly moving forward.  I thought that would never happen, I could not picture my life without Damon in it.  Why is it when you are grieving, you cannot recall the arguments or some of the bad times......all you remember is no longer having your loved one there to hold you and make things better, to give you that little smile they have, or call you by their pet name for you.  Last year, I could not have wrote all this without needing a box of kleenix nearby, Today, I feel sad and miss him terribly, but the tears do not flow uncontrollably like they used to.......and there is some sunshine coming thru the fog.