Love of my life died suddenly (covid) and I can't accept it -- so many regrets

[foreverhis]

On 4/19/2021 at 9:59 PM, April Ballou said:

No the love never stops, or I don't think so.  I think it's that love that keeps us all going.  My husband Darrell and I were best friends, spouses, and everything else.  He was my first and only love.  I need to keep that love alive or I may die myself.  

Agreed.  John and I were best friends, lovers, parents (usually united in our parenting), fellow adventurers, comfort in bad times and joyous in good, and just everything that matters.  We were neither of us perfect by any means, but we got through those occasional angry times because the love was always there.  Always and forever.

For me it's not just that I think my heart would shatter further to the point where it might not go on beating.  It's that I need to keep him alive for the people who love him, especially our granddaughter.  She needs to finish growing up hearing his and our stories.  She needs to remember that he would never have left us on purpose.  She needs to know that the way they adored each other was special.

We had one of those moments yesterday.  She and our daughter called to wish me Happy Mother's Day.  I was talking to our granddaughter about this and that.  She said she had to go to the dentist today and that she likes going.  I said, "That's great.  You know, your grandpa always took really good care of his teeth.  He said it was one of the best things we could do.  He'd be so proud of you for taking care of your teeth and liking your dentist."  She was quiet a moment and then said, "I think he would.  He'd be proud of me."  Then she said that she likes getting a new toothbrush and toothpaste when she leaves, but that she hates the "bubblegum" flavor that they have for kids.  I said, "Well, maybe you could tell them that and ask if they have a different flavor for you.  Remember, your grandpa would remind us that people won't know what we're thinking unless we tell them."  She said, "I will.  I'll tell them I don't like it and maybe they have something else."

If I don't keep his memory alive, here and now and for the rest of my life, then it will be as if he died all over again.  I don't think I could take that.

[April Ballou]

I know what you mean @foreverhis, that's how I feel.  By keeping him alive in my heart and remembering all the things that we were able to do together, that helps me.  I know it's hard on his mother, Darrell is the second son that has passed away.  And our oldest granddaughter was really close to Darrell, she really loved her Grandpa.  We keep the memories alive so we can stay alive 

[foreverhis]

1 minute ago, April Ballou said:

I know it's hard on his mother, Darrell is the second son that has passed away

Oh my gosh.  My heart goes out to her and your granddaughter too.

We only have the one grandchild and John was able to spend 5 weeks with her and our daughter after she was born.  Long story involving me having surgery and not being cleared to fly, babies coming on their schedule not ours, an emergency c-section, the fiance walking out (bastard!), and Seattle's worst winter weather in 50 years.  Those 5 weeks were so precious to him.  He was with her day and night.  He showed our daughter how to do the nerve stimulating baby massage.  He carried her inside his down parka 4 blocks in the ice and snow to the doctor for her check ups because the roads weren't cleared.  He did home improvements to make their place warmer and safer.  He talked to her, showed her the world, let her sleep on his lap for hours, and made many little videos of their indoor adventures.  When she was 5 months old, they flew down for her first visit.  John said, "I doubt she'll recognize me."  I said, "Of course she will!"  Sure enough, when they got here, the first thing that sweet baby did was smile hugely and reach out her arms for her grandpa.  I looked over and said, "I told you so!"  (We weren't the type to do that to each other usually, but that time I simply could not resist.)

My heart just breaks knowing he won't be there for her, for the milestones and also the little every day things.  Often she would call just to tell her grandpa about her day.  If I answered, she'd say, "Hi Grannie." And I'd say, "Hi sweetie," and ask how she was, how was her day.  She'd say, "Good...Grannie?" "Yes?" "Um, can I tell Grandpa something?" Of course he'd be sitting there grinning as I handed over the phone.  It was so precious.

[Mark loves Sandra]

@luckystarhongkong  I know how you feel (we all do).  I find that I have a deep need to talk about Sandra with people that knew her well, but, yes, sometimes people get tired of my rambling on about her.  But it feels so good to talk about her and have someone acknowledge the pain and loss.  I fear that people will begin avoiding me because all I can do is bring up memories of my love.  I try to keep it in check, but it's so difficult.

--Mark

[Mark loves Sandra]

 @foreverhis Really nice story (except for fiance' skipping out !).  It's exactly these kinds of heart-warming memories that I'm constantly talking about.  Well, I guess that's not entirely true, I'll also find myself talking about mundane things like the kind of shampoo Sandra liked.  And I'll kind of think to myself "OMG, am I really telling this person about Sandra's shampoo ???".

--Mark

[April Ballou]

That's ok @Mark loves Sandra I know what your talking about.  It is those little things.  The body spray Darrell wore I wear, just to smell like he did.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

 @foreverhis Really nice story (except for fiance' skipping out !).  It's exactly these kinds of heart-warming memories that I'm constantly talking about.  Well, I guess that's not entirely true, I'll also find myself talking about mundane things like the kind of shampoo Sandra liked.  And I'll kind of think to myself "OMG, am I really telling this person about Sandra's shampoo ???".

--Mark

Yeah, we all thought he was a good guy, right up to the moment he decided he didn't want to be a father after all.  John's take on it was, "Better now than in 2 or 3 years when they're married and his child doesn't understand why daddy left."  And he does pay child support and half the cost of the after school programs, so at least he's honorable that way.

It's funny you mention the mundane.  I totally get that.  Sometimes I find myself relating the most trivial things to newer friends, people who didn't know John well but who liked him.  That's especially true of two friends we were just getting to know.  It turns out they really do want to hear all my silly little stories about our life and about him.  But yeah, sometimes I think, "Does anyone else in the world give a crap about this little thing?" Then I realize that it's all of it, even those things we believe are trivial, that made John who he was.

I mean, when for no particular reason I mentioned my pink and teal tennies, they hit a chord for you because of Sandra's tennies.  I am sure it's painful for you now, but I have to tell you honestly that it made me smile and feel like I know her just a little.  The small things matter.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

And I'll kind of think to myself "OMG, am I really telling this person about Sandra's shampoo ???".

 I love it!  Yep, you can tell us here, we all get it.  These are the things that are meaningful and important to us...ANYTHING about them!

[KayC]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Yeah, we all thought he was a good guy, right up to the moment he decided he didn't want to be a father after all.

My daughter's husband left her after she lost their baby.  I mean, who does that!  His excuse?  "I don't think you can have kids."  Nice.  That was four years ago, he filed for divorce over a year ago but they aren't processing them "due to Covid."  She has been through hell.  I'm glad yours had her baby and glad he coughs up support, and also that John got to meet his grandchild.  George died before my son's kids were born.  My daughter was born to be a mom and likely never will, she turns 38 next year.  She'd be glad for a stepchild but never meets anyone so don't know how that'll ever happen or when the courts will ever start processing things, right now all they're doing are criminal cases.

[April Ballou]

These things that seem little to other people, don't to all of us on this forum.  We all have something.  Nicknacks, pictures, knives, or anything that may help remember the ones that are gone.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

My daughter's husband left her after she lost their baby.  I mean, who does that!  His excuse?  "I don't think you can have kids."  Nice.  That was four years ago, he filed for divorce over a year ago but they aren't processing them "due to Covid."  She has been through hell.  I'm glad yours had her baby and glad he coughs up support, and also that John got to meet his grandchild.  George died before my son's kids were born.  My daughter was born to be a mom and likely never will, she turns 38 next year.  She'd be glad for a stepchild but never meets anyone so don't know how that'll ever happen or when the courts will ever start processing things, right now all they're doing are criminal cases.

Oh your poor daughter.  Another bastard!  He belongs right there in my hell with your ex.  (Again, good thing I don't actually get to make those decisions.)  COVID has screwed up so many things, dragging a divorce case on and on and on is one of them.  As if divorce isn't horribly painful already.  I hope that part of her ordeal is over soon so she can truly begin to heal.  You never know, she may meet someone and either have a child or be a step-mom.  You and I both know that true love can come to us out of the blue and at any time.  I hope very much that it happens for her.

I'm so sorry that George didn't get to meet his grandchildren.  Yes, they would have been his just as surely as the sun rises in the east.  John was so lucky to have 9 years with our granddaughter.  They truly adored each other in the sweetest way.  Watching them interact was a joy.

[April Ballou]

It's the children and grandchildren that are missing their loved one too.  It's hard on all involved.  Even parents who lose their kids.  But as a family we stick together and laugh about the memories we shared.  I think laughter helps get through the pain.  But with me I still go to an empty house.  That's the hardest time of the day, when I crawl into an empty bed.

[Sparky1]

48 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

It's the children and grandchildren that are missing their loved one too.  It's hard on all involved.  Even parents who lose their kids.  But as a family we stick together and laugh about the memories we shared.  I think laughter helps get through the pain.  But with me I still go to an empty house.  That's the hardest time of the day, when I crawl into an empty bed.

Our granddaughter is 3 and a half and she knows enough that she asks where is her grandma. A short time after my wife passed away, my stepdaughter came over and the little one was happy to see me, then she asked where's grandma? I broke down because I didn't know what to say. Her mom said, she's over there pointing to my wife's portrait. Then she just went on playing. That's the toughest thing in the world, to see the little ones not getting to know their grandmother. Her brother was born a week and a half before my wife passed away, thankfully they brought him to the hospital and my wife was ecstatic to kiss him. That hurts me so much, it was so bittersweet.

I also am alone and at bedtime I cry myself to sleep, calling my wife, telling her I love her and miss her, and just asking why over and over. The heartache will never go away.

[April Ballou]

You are right @Sparky1 it will never go away.  I understand what you are going through.  My 6 year old granddaughter will come to me give me a hug and kiss then tell me how she misses her pop pop, that's what she called my husband.  Then she tells me how he will forever be in her heart.  That's the truth.  They will be in our hearts.  But that doesn't give us anyone to hold at night.  

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, April Ballou said:

Then she tells me how he will forever be in her heart.  That's the truth.  They will be in our hearts.  But that doesn't give us anyone to hold at night.

So true.  John is and will remain part of me; a part of me that is now missing.  I went through as I do from time to time to "purge" a few things.  I can only manage to do a little at a time and some things will remain with me forever.  I could see him wearing a favorite shirt or putting on the "crazy socks" he got one time to make our granddaughter laugh.  About the socks:  One of their things was that whenever we'd send up a package, grandpa would buy some crazy, wild socks for her and we'd use them as padding instead of bubble wrap or other packing material.  He was also the giver of boots and parkas.  He had great taste and really enjoyed shopping for good deals for her online.  I tell her truthfully that there were two things he would shop for:  His woodworking and home projects (the hardware stores) and her.  She would show her friends and say, "These are my grandpa boots" or "My grandpa got me these socks" or whatever it was.  Those small things, those ridiculous socks, made both of them so happy.  And here we are, as Mark was saying, with me relating the silliest of things, yet that had so much meaning.

So I put those things in a bag and felt a little rip in my heart.  It's as if, when I let go of material things, I am somehow letting go of him.  Of course that's not true, but then again these feelings aren't rational.  He is always with me, but our bed sure feels cold and empty.  So much so that I still have trouble just "going to bed" and end up in the early hours of sleep on the sofa.  It's not exactly good "sleep hygiene" as they say, to split my sleep, but it's the only way I can manage to sleep in our bed at all.  The sofa is not good for my joints full time or I'd likely end up there the whole night.

Recently, I was watching something, I can't remember what, and a couple was dancing.  Now, normally that's fine and it doesn't affect me particularly, but this time it did.  John was a really good dancer, many kinds and not just the standard "slow dance."  While watching this show, I suddenly remembered how it felt when he'd take me in his arms to dance.  I could practically feel him close to me and it broke me into little pieces.  I haven't got a clue why that particular moment hurt so much, but it did.

I long for him, for his arms, his touch, his voice, his uniquely masculine and fresh smell, and just everything about his presence--even the little habits that used to bug me, like when he'd wash his hands and leave a puddle of water on the counter in the bathroom.  He didn't do it on purpose, but he often forgot or didn't realize it.  So I'd go in, sigh, and get a rag to clean it up.  I'd do that 100 times a day if it meant he was here with me and healthy again.

[KayC]

II love hearing you all tell stories of them, it is so special, makes us feel we know them!  

[April Ballou]

Yeah I miss those little things too.  Like him coming in from working outside and wanting to hug and kiss me with his dirty hands.  How I would give anything for him to hug me with dirty greasy hands.

[Marcel]

Hi Mark,

I haven't read the entire thread but I think we all regret something with regards to our lost partners. Even apart from that there are so many moments in my life I wish I'd made a different choice, said a different thing or acted differently.
I've been thinking alot about free will lately and if it exists or not. So far I think it doesn't exist.
On the one hand, if the laws of physics are really universal, every thought we have is just the result of particles interacting in determined ways. But even without this it seems we don't have real choices to make. Every decision we make, everything we do or say is determined by the person we are in that moment. And we are that person because our genes, our upbringing and everything we have experienced made us the person we are. The loss of our loved ones made us yet another person.
The only conclusion I can draw from this is, to live in the moment, that regret is pointless and that the only reason the past existed is to transform us into yet something else.
I have forgiven myself and I hope in time you will, too.
I still miss her like crazy and that's one thing that won't change.

Hope you'll hang in there.

Marcel

[Mark loves Sandra]

@foreverhis 

On 5/12/2021 at 2:53 PM, foreverhis said:

Those small things, those ridiculous socks, made both of them so happy.  And here we are, as Mark was saying, with me relating the silliest of things, yet that had so much meaning.

Isn't it amazing that we almost unconsciously take joy in talking about these obscure details?  Like if we talk about these little habits and traits we can feel like our loved ones won't be so "gone" -- almost like we can keep them alive by talking about these personal details.  But it's a little like a drug (or so it seems to me); while I'm expounding on Sandra's shampoo (or you're talking about John's socks) I feel a little better.  But when the discussion is over, it always hits me again, that she's so very much gone.

On 5/12/2021 at 2:53 PM, foreverhis said:

even the little habits that used to bug me, like when he'd wash his hands and leave a puddle of water on the counter in the bathroom.  He didn't do it on purpose, but he often forgot or didn't realize it.  So I'd go in, sigh, and get a rag to clean it up.  I'd do that 100 times a day if it meant he was here with me and healthy again.

Oh that's soooooo true.  I imagine we all feel this way.  Sandra had a bad habit of not putting the cap on the toothpaste tube.  In fact, the end of the toothpaste tube always looked like some mutant mint-smelling caterpillar was trying to escape from the tube because it was all gunked-up with dried toothpaste.  So I'd sigh, put the tube under the faucet and clean up the tube and screw the cap on.  And I too would be happy to do that 100 times a day if she would come back to me.  And if she actually did come back (my recurring fantasy), I'm certain I would actually be able to overlook all those things that bugged me.  Because the saying is true:  "You never know what you've got until it's gone."  I loved Sandra deeply, as you did John -- but did we realize what we had?  While you were wiping up John's puddle or I was cleaning Sandra's toothpaste explosion, did we know what we had???  For me, I think the answer is "no".  And that hurts me deeply.  Who puts dry contact lenses above his wife asking him to spend the night in the hospital with her???  Dammit.

Hope everyone out there is doing better than me.  I wish I could be more upbeat, but I continue to flounder in a world of emptiness.

--Mark

[Mark loves Sandra]

@Marcel

Marcel,

Thank you so much for your thoughts on the regret.  It does help.  The feelings of regret are sometimes so overwhelming to me (see last lines of my above post to Foreverhis) that it almost makes me throw up.  And like you (and all of us), I've made lots of choices in my life in which I wish I had chosen differently.  But -- and here's what really eats away at me -- usually I've been able to "recover" from bad choices, or be able to eventually fix it.  But with Sandra dying, I can't fix the endless string of bad choices.  No way to recover from not taking her illness seriously.  No way to fix my mistake of not trying to get her into the absolute best hospital possible.  I just can't fix this.  And it tears me apart.

Free will:  I don't know.  I presume so, because it certainly felt like I made the choice not to stay with Sandra that Saturday night.

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

I have forgiven myself and I hope in time you will, too.

Boy, I sure hope you're right.  I desperately want to believe you.  But I really let Sandra down in the clutch.  Hard to forgive yourself for something like that.

Thanks for the thoughts.  And thanks to everyone else out there for the thoughts and reading this.

--Mark

[Mark loves Sandra]

@KayC @foreverhis  @Bennie Jets @Perro J @ScotJ65 @Sparky1 @widower2 @Yoli @DMB @Diane R. E. @LMR @steveb @jmmosley53 @April Ballou @CMW @Brazil Man @MissyLaLaLa @Missy1 @KevinM @Maria_PI @SDC @kay TX @Gail 8588 @borbzgirl 

I'm sure I missed a few people, especially some of the newer members, my apologies.  All your thoughts have been so helpful over the months. I wish I could return the favor.

The Final Nail in the Coffin

Hi Everyone, 

Today was rough.  The mail arrived with proof that my life with Sandra is over.  Recall that Sandra and I were deep into the immigration process that would allow her to become a permanent U.S. resident and us to spend the rest of our lives together.  After dating for a long while, we had gone through a process that began with us flying to the US embassy in Brasilia (the capitol) to apply for a tourist visa (NOT a simple process, believe it or not).  Once we had that, we began the process of applying for a "K-1" fiance' visa, which involved mountains of paperwork, specialty medical examinations at (1 of only 4 !) U.S. Customs and Immigration Service-approved doctors, interviews at the US consulate in Rio, and an intense interview in the USCIS office at the Houston airport.  And that was just to allow her to enter the country!  The next day we got married.  We were on Cloud 9.  And since I thought it would be awfully nice if my wife was able to stay in the country (that's a joke), we began the "adjustment" process -- USCIS terminology for getting a residency permit (green card).  But first you must begin with the temporary 2-year green card.  So we went to St. Louis for fingerprinting and iris scans, and filed more mountains of paperwork.  And the last step for getting the (temporary) green card is being granted a USCIS interview in Chicago.  And Sandra was offered an interview date for March 30, 2021.  Needless to say, we didn't make that interview.  I wrote to USCIS and explained what had happened and included a copy of her Brazilian death certificate.  The letter I sent was covered with little circular wrinkles where my teardrops hit the paper as I was proofreading it.   But once set in motion, these big wheels continue turning.

And so the letter below arrived today from USCIS.  I don't know if you can quite read it, so I'll tell you what it says:

After a thorough review of your application and supporting documents, we must inform you that we are denying your application for the following reason(s):  USCIS received your Form I-485 on June 26, 2020.  You were scheduled for an interview on March 30, 2021, related to your application.  You did not appear for the scheduled interview.  . . . . .   In accordance with 8 CFR 103.2(b)(13)(ii) your petition is considered abandoned, and is therefore denied.

Three years of work toward putting our lives together vanished in the hospital the afternoon they took her off life support last December.  And now USCIS has put the final coda on our life together.  I feel like I let USCIS down too.  They were always friendly, took the time to review our photos (proof of relationship), and were openly happy when we passed the interview in Rio: the interviewing officer smiled at us and said "Congratulations you two, your fiance' visa is granted! Good luck."

And now our dream has been "abandoned".

As Perro asked months ago: "How can this be?"  I don't want to abandon Sandra.  I don't want to abandon our dream of growing old together.  How can she be "denied" -- her sock is still in the hallway.  Her messed up tube of toothpaste is still in the bathroom.  I know this letter was inevitable, but it hurts soooooooo much to see it in black and white.  She's not coming back.  Even USCIS says so.

In agony -- Mark

[Perro J]

There is probably a letter somewhere, issued from an office in Vermont or New Hampshire, I can't recall which state at the moment, that states something similar for mi amor de alma. I suspect if it was mailed, it went to the apartment she shared with her sisters and brother-in-law. I was spared what you experienced today and I am sorry you received that letter. I am sure yours is a simple form letter, sent out based on sterile, clinical criteria. While everything within may be factual - it clearly lacks empathy and even acknowledgement of her humanity and it incenses me that dying seems to not relieve one of the burden of keeping one's bureaucratic appointments. I am glad you were able to meet some people in that system that were able to put a human touch on things that hopefully counterbalance the impersonal tone of that letter. I know there are good people that truly want to help out there. Still, I am not at all a fan of the immigration system in the USA. In fact I think it is FUBAR and in need of complete overhaul. You did not solicit for advice but maybe let me at least say this for posterity? The longer I live the less I find I give a damn about pieces of paper.

[April Ballou]

@Mark loves Sandra I can see how upsetting this is.  I wished there was a way to make it all go away.  The government is retarded, I had to do our taxes back in February and according to their calculations I was suppose to get $600.  Now they are saying that it was applied to a balance, I called and there isn't a balance.  I think they kept it, like I'm being punished for Darrell being dead.  I hope that $600 helps them sleep at night.  

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

I loved Sandra deeply, as you did John -- but did we realize what we had?  While you were wiping up John's puddle or I was cleaning Sandra's toothpaste explosion, did we know what we had???

Honestly, yes I did know.  My fault was in assuming we'd have more time.  I didn't take him for granted exactly, but I took us for granted sometimes.  Of course, our situation was different in that we had 35 years together.  I look back now and remember certain things that shame me.  If I had a do over and even though I usually did/said these things, I'd be even kinder, more forgiving of the little things, more patient (I can be a little snippy), and more vocal in saying, "I love you," even though we said it to each other every day.  We were really big on saying please and thank you in our family, and we modeled that for our daughter, but I'd remember to thank him more for the small gestures, like making me a cup of tea just because or bringing me a little something for the kitchen or even knowing how to pick out the perfect special occasion card every time (he had a knack for it). 

7 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

But it's a little like a drug (or so it seems to me); while I'm expounding on Sandra's shampoo (or you're talking about John's socks) I feel a little better.  But when the discussion is over, it always hits me again, that she's so very much gone.

Hm, that's a tough one.  Sometimes, yes I feel a let down later, but others, I keep a small smile inside for quite some time.  Then again, I'm looking toward 3 years without him.  I could not have said that the first 18 months or so.

7 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

Who puts dry contact lenses above his wife asking him to spend the night in the hospital with her??? 

A human being who cannot foresee the future.  An imperfect man who adored his wife.

I won't say "You have to forgive yourself" because I am right there with you in many ways.  The guilt I carried (and some I still do carry) over every choice I/we made.  Not being more forceful with both him and the doctors when his symptoms changed.  Not insisting that certain things happen sooner and not making them happen in the times I could have.  And for me, a biggie is not saying, "Love, do you want to go home?" sooner.  He fought longer and harder than I should have asked of him.  I know he did it in part because he couldn't bear to leave us and leave his life unfinished, but he did it in part because I encouraged him to keep going for the next treatment.

It's taking me a lot of time to separate out the things I could have changed from the things that were out of my control.  It's taking even more time to turn my feelings of guilt into regret.  I hope so much that when it's my time (and assuming I get to where he is now), he will be waiting for me with open arms and a loving heart, having forgiven all my human faults and failings.  I have faith that he has, probably because I long ago forgave him for any little fault or failing of his own.

[DMB]

Oh sorry for your tough day and letter Mark.  

I never understood my husband leaving the toothpaste on the vanity and NEVER putting it back in the cabinet.  Even after I demonstrated to him that it literally takes the same amount of effort to leave it on the sink as to putting it where it belongs!  He also wanted the coffee maker ready to go each night.  I make my coffee in the morning now.

I did our taxes back in March and I have received nothing back yet.  No stimulus money either.  I wonder if they just see his name and deceased and don't see there is a living spouse on there?   UGH  I could use that money.

[April Ballou]

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Honestly, yes I did know.  My fault was in assuming we'd have more time.  I didn't take him for granted exactly, but I took us for granted sometimes.  Of course, our situation was different in that we had 35 years together.  I look back now and remember certain things that shame me.  If I had a do over and even though I usually did/said these things, I'd be even kinder, more forgiving of the little things, more patient (I can be a little snippy), and more vocal in saying, "I love you," even though we said it to each other every day.  We were really big on saying please and thank you in our family, and we modeled that for our daughter, but I'd remember to thank him more for the small gestures, like making me a cup of tea just because or bringing me a little something for the kitchen or even knowing how to pick out the perfect special occasion card every time (he had a knack for it). 

Hm, that's a tough one.  Sometimes, yes I feel a let down later, but others, I keep a small smile inside for quite some time.  Then again, I'm looking toward 3 years without him.  I could not have said that the first 18 months or so.

A human being who cannot foresee the future.  An imperfect man who adored his wife.

I won't say "You have to forgive yourself" because I am right there with you in many ways.  The guilt I carried (and some I still do carry) over every choice I/we made.  Not being more forceful with both him and the doctors when his symptoms changed.  Not insisting that certain things happen sooner and not making them happen in the times I could have.  And for me, a biggie is not saying, "Love, do you want to go home?" sooner.  He fought longer and harder than I should have asked of him.  I know he did it in part because he couldn't bear to leave us and leave his life unfinished, but he did it in part because I encouraged him to keep going for the next treatment.

It's taking me a lot of time to separate out the things I could have changed from the things that were out of my control.  It's taking even more time to turn my feelings of guilt into regret.  I hope so much that when it's my time (and assuming I get to where he is now), he will be waiting for me with open arms and a loving heart, having forgiven all my human faults and failings.  I have faith that he has, probably because I long ago forgave him for any little fault or failing of his own.

 

[April Ballou]

@foreverhis I know what you mean about thinking about things you could have said or done differently.  I think about that.  If I had only said that he was right more often or not get so upset about the stupid little things that are so unimportant.  But we can't go back into time.  38 years with Darrell just wasn't enough.  There were alot of good times, some really great memories.  Now all I have are just that memories.

[April Ballou]

@DMB dealing with the IRS.  I don't know if it will help, try sending them a copy of the death certificate and a copy of your marriage license.  Plus a copy of your tax return, with a letter.  Just state who you are and all information you can think of that they may need.  

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

Sandra had a bad habit of not putting the cap on the toothpaste tube.

I can honestly say I can't think of a habit he did that bugged me.  With my kids' dad, he used to leave his dining room chair pulled out so I had to push it in if I wanted to enter the hallway, it always annoyed me.  And he'd throw his dirty socks on the floor where the hamper was kept so that when I brought it back, having done all the laundry, there I would see more work to be done, like I could never enjoy having anything completed for even a minute!  It annoyed me.  But George, no, he was the perfect helpmate, we meshed so well.  Nope, he saved it all for the big things, like doing drugs behind my back, emptying our finances along with it.  MORE than a small annoyance, a huge betrayal!  THAT was hard to deal with!  I'd have settled for the socks and the chair!  Living together was perfect with him...I guess in the end, too good to be true?

[KayC]

Oh God, what would it kill them to GIVE it instead of DENY it?!!  After all the two of you worked for!  Like anyone can help dying!!!  Not sure it'd be a consolation though but more bittersweet.  Isn't everything.    I'm so sorry, Mark.

And of course you wish you could re-do the decision to spend the night in the hospital.  We all have something we wish we could go back and do differently...if only we'd known.  We're human, we don't have hindsight, your needing contact lens solution is reasonable.  You did not know it'd be your last chance to be with her.  You had no way of knowing.

That "last weekend" I went to my annual sisters' reunion, 4 1/2 hours away.  George had made plans for a fishing excursion with his guy friends.  I'd cooked his favorite meals ahead for him.  Right after I left, he had a heart attack and drove himself to the doctor, and he got sent by ambulance to the hospital, 1 1/4 hours away.  He told the doctor not to call me, he "didn't want to ruin my weekend."  I'd been through literal hell the previous three weeks and he knew I needed a break!  My hard drive at work failed and so did the back up, I'd had to reenter a year's worth of data for one company, and re-entering six month's data for another company, including re-creating data bases and reentering everything in them.  I'd found out my daughter had been raped when she was four and tried to deal with that, finding her a counselor and meeting with her dad.  George had come clean about using drugs, so I'd been researching everything I could find on Meth, recovery, etc. and compiled information to share with him and set boundaries.  But NOTHING could prepare me for what was to come!!  By the time a friend left me a message telling me George was in the hospital with a heart attack, I was 4 1/2 hours away with no transportation.  I'd ridden over with my sister, who refused to take me to the hospital because "she wanted to stay and gamble."  I don't gamble, but that it could make someone make THAT choice is reason enough for me to stay clear of it!  I had to wait two excruciating days for her to finally take me to the hospital!  It was hell.  I couldn't sleep, paced, anxious.  George told me it'd do no good for me to be there as he'd be in testing all day.  That was Sat. morning, by Sat. night he'd changed his tune.  He told me he would have walked around the world on broken glass for me!!  Like I'd let him down.  He'd never said anything like that to me before.  I knew it was the pain talking, it was not like him at all.  Still, it haunted me.  

When I got to the hospital (FINALLY!!!) other people were with him, the doctor came in and explained the damage...I went into shock, his words seemed far away and quiet sounding, I could not take it in, could not process what he was saying.  Then they moved him to ICU (WHY wasn't he there to begin with!) so I waited to be let in, when I came in, he was asleep.  I sat and stroked his hand, he woke up having a heart attack, I ran for the nurse's station, they came and threw a sheet over him, I ran back, by this time his eyes were bulging, he was in immense pain!  They called code blue, doctors came running, the nurse threw me out and locked the door to the ward behind me while I wailed, "I'M his Little One!  If it weren't for me, you wouldn't even KNOW he had a heart attack!"  I found a place to pray and after (maybe an hour?  IDK, you lose sense of time) four doctors came towards me.  I knew.  I screamed!!!  NOT MY HUSBAND!!!  The whole hospital could hear me.

We all have things we wish we could re-do, I never would have gone on that trip.  How was I to know it'd be any different than any year?!  Forgive yourself.  It is a regret, for sure, but you are not at fault, life doles out stuff as it occurs.

[KayC]

We are allowed to claim our husband on our taxes in the year they died.  That said, if this stimulus $ is actually a tax CREDIT as they say, and we're allowed to claim our spouse, then why would they withhold the stimulus check our spouse would have been entitled to?  It depends on when we lost them, if we lost them this year, I would think they'd let us have it, if last year then the first two.  BTW, I had to claim the $600 stimulus on my taxes (and pay taxes on it, yay Oregon!  ) for LAST year, even though it didn't come until THIS year!...treating it differently than payroll laws.  Only the government can make an exception to their own rules!

[April Ballou]

Yeah the government has their own rules, I think they make them up as they go.  Since Darrell died in September,  when I did my 2020 taxes , his information had to be put on there.  They already knew by then that he was gone.  So why is it according to my tax return I was suppose to get $600 back, but they kept it.  Supposedly I owed, but I didnt.  That's our government for you.  I need it worse than they do.  I am all by myself having to live on what Social security gives me.  

[KayC]

I think they owe you an explanation.

[April Ballou]

@Kay C I called them and supposedly I will get my money in 4 -6 weeks.  So we will see.

[foreverhis]

On 5/14/2021 at 8:41 AM, KayC said:

He told me he would have walked around the world on broken glass for me!!  Like I'd let him down.  He'd never said anything like that to me before.  I knew it was the pain talking, it was not like him at all.  Still, it haunted me.  

It definitely was the pain and also the affect both pain and his heart had on his brain.  I had a few similar times with John that were extremely upsetting.  I'd call his sister, who we're very close to and who took care of their parents, one with dementia, and tell her and cry.  She'd remind me, "That's not him. That's not John talking.  You know that."  Yes, I did, but knowing that did not make it hurt any less at the time and does not make it easier to "hear" now.

 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, April Ballou said:

@Kay C I called them and supposedly I will get my money in 4 -6 weeks.  So we will see.

That is great news!  I think since they told you that, they will follow through.  It may take a while to show up but you can keep checking here:
IRS get my payment
or here:
IRS Refund Status

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It definitely was the pain and also the affect both pain and his heart had on his brain.  I had a few similar times with John that were extremely upsetting.  I'd call his sister, who we're very close to and who took care of their parents, one with dementia, and tell her and cry.  She'd remind me, "That's not him. That's not John talking.  You know that."  Yes, I did, but knowing that did not make it hurt any less at the time and does not make it easier to "hear" now.

 

I am sorry you also experienced that.  I just have to remember the George he was with me all of the other thousands of days!  When they're facing their death and in immense pain is not a time to gauge them by.

 

[April Ballou]

My emotions have been all over the place today.  I have been so depressed.  I keep looking at Darrell's picture and crying.  It's been 8 months almost 9 since he died.  Will it ever get better?  And I can't stand being by myself, but here I am all alone.  I know I'm not alone here.  So I'm venting to all in this forum.  

[luckystarhongkong]

in grief the loneliness is most unbearable

[April Ballou]

@luckystarhongkong you are right.  The loneliness is unbearable.  I was married 38 years, we were always together unless our jobs had us working different shifts.  Even when one of us were in the hospital the other one was there right beside them. And now my kids are grown have homes and families of their own,  and I'm in this house alone.  I pray daily, but that doesn't give you someone to talk to, someone to cry on their shoulder.  But all of us in this forum are going through the same thing and we can help each other.

[Mars40]

12 hours ago, April Ballou said:

My emotions have been all over the place today.  I have been so depressed.  I keep looking at Darrell's picture and crying.  It's been 8 months almost 9 since he died.  Will it ever get better?  And I can't stand being by myself, but here I am all alone.  I know I'm not alone here.  So I'm venting to all in this forum.  

It’s so early for you and it’s hard to adjust for Darrell not being there. Being on your own takes adjusting and it takes a long time.  Your not alone but you are too.  It’s so confusing at your stage because it’s so raw.  I get extremely lonely but I miss my hubby.  I have found of late that I’m suffocating as I don’t know what to do with myself so I’m trying different t activities slowly. Keep Talking about your feelings and be kind to You

2 hours ago, April Ballou said:

@luckystarhongkong you are right.  The loneliness is unbearable.  I was married 38 years, we were always together unless our jobs had us working different shifts.  Even when one of us were in the hospital the other one was there right beside them. And now my kids are grown have homes and families of their own,  and I'm in this house alone.  I pray daily, but that doesn't give you someone to talk to, someone to cry on their shoulder.  But all of us in this forum are going through the same thing and we can help each other.

Yeah I was 27 years I have two adult

kids but they are never here.  It’s an extremely difficult emotion because I can’t fill that void ever.  What do we do!

[Mars40]

On 5/15/2021 at 1:41 AM, KayC said:

Oh God, what would it kill them to GIVE it instead of DENY it?!!  After all the two of you worked for!  Like anyone can help dying!!!  Not sure it'd be a consolation though but more bittersweet.  Isn't everything.    I'm so sorry, Mark.

And of course you wish you could re-do the decision to spend the night in the hospital.  We all have something we wish we could go back and do differently...if only we'd known.  We're human, we don't have hindsight, your needing contact lens solution is reasonable.  You did not know it'd be your last chance to be with her.  You had no way of knowing.

That "last weekend" I went to my annual sisters' reunion, 4 1/2 hours away.  George had made plans for a fishing excursion with his guy friends.  I'd cooked his favorite meals ahead for him.  Right after I left, he had a heart attack and drove himself to the doctor, and he got sent by ambulance to the hospital, 1 1/4 hours away.  He told the doctor not to call me, he "didn't want to ruin my weekend."  I'd been through literal hell the previous three weeks and he knew I needed a break!  My hard drive at work failed and so did the back up, I'd had to reenter a year's worth of data for one company, and re-entering six month's data for another company, including re-creating data bases and reentering everything in them.  I'd found out my daughter had been raped when she was four and tried to deal with that, finding her a counselor and meeting with her dad.  George had come clean about using drugs, so I'd been researching everything I could find on Meth, recovery, etc. and compiled information to share with him and set boundaries.  But NOTHING could prepare me for what was to come!!  By the time a friend left me a message telling me George was in the hospital with a heart attack, I was 4 1/2 hours away with no transportation.  I'd ridden over with my sister, who refused to take me to the hospital because "she wanted to stay and gamble."  I don't gamble, but that it could make someone make THAT choice is reason enough for me to stay clear of it!  I had to wait two excruciating days for her to finally take me to the hospital!  It was hell.  I couldn't sleep, paced, anxious.  George told me it'd do no good for me to be there as he'd be in testing all day.  That was Sat. morning, by Sat. night he'd changed his tune.  He told me he would have walked around the world on broken glass for me!!  Like I'd let him down.  He'd never said anything like that to me before.  I knew it was the pain talking, it was not like him at all.  Still, it haunted me.  

When I got to the hospital (FINALLY!!!) other people were with him, the doctor came in and explained the damage...I went into shock, his words seemed far away and quiet sounding, I could not take it in, could not process what he was saying.  Then they moved him to ICU (WHY wasn't he there to begin with!) so I waited to be let in, when I came in, he was asleep.  I sat and stroked his hand, he woke up having a heart attack, I ran for the nurse's station, they came and threw a sheet over him, I ran back, by this time his eyes were bulging, he was in immense pain!  They called code blue, doctors came running, the nurse threw me out and locked the door to the ward behind me while I wailed, "I'M his Little One!  If it weren't for me, you wouldn't even KNOW he had a heart attack!"  I found a place to pray and after (maybe an hour?  IDK, you lose sense of time) four doctors came towards me.  I knew.  I screamed!!!  NOT MY HUSBAND!!!  The whole hospital could hear me.

We all have things we wish we could re-do, I never would have gone on that trip.  How was I to know it'd be any different than any year?!  Forgive yourself.  It is a regret, for sure, but you are not at fault, life doles out stuff as it occurs.

My husband Brendan showed signs on a heart attack for about six months, head aches, I could not get him to a doctor, he wild not go.  I question myselF to but I really tried.

[April Ballou]

@Mars40 I know that I am not alone.  All of us in this forum have someone.  But yet at the same time I am alone because there is no one here with me.  I know God is here, but I can't cry on God's shoulder.  I know how it feels trying to talk someone into going to the doctor.  We both were sick at the same time we took cold medicine.  After about four days I got well, Darrell was still sick.  I tried to convince him to go to the doctor.  But on a Friday night we had agreed to take him to the hospital the next day, but he couldn't stop coughing, he was having trouble breathing.  So I told him we were going.  We did and three weeks later he was gone. 

[Mars40]

2 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

@Mars40 I know that I am not alone.  All of us in this forum have someone.  But yet at the same time I am alone because there is no one here with me.  I know God is here, but I can't cry on God's shoulder.  I know how it feels trying to talk someone into going to the doctor.  We both were sick at the same time we took cold medicine.  After about four days I got well, Darrell was still sick.  I tried to convince him to go to the doctor.  But on a Friday night we had agreed to take him to the hospital the next day, but he couldn't stop coughing, he was having trouble breathing.  So I told him we were going.  We did and three weeks later he was gone. 

I know you are alone and its terrible to feel what you are going through, just having your husband there to chat to or ask questions but he would be the only person that could console you right now and no one can fill that viod

[April Ballou]

Yes it is an everyday struggle.  I know that God is my refuge and my strength.  All of us here have a lost loved one.  I am glad that I found this forum.  Everybody here truely understands what I am going through.  And we all have each other.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, April Ballou said:

Will it ever get better?

Yes, comparatively it will become easier to cope with but it may be a long while before you see that.  It took me much time to get to that point.  I still think of this like brain trauma, it is so severe as to not expect an easy fix and can take much time and effort to make your way through.

 

[April Ballou]

Thank you @Kay C

[Mars40]

On 2/3/2021 at 11:42 AM, Mark loves Sandra said:

My "angel" and I in happier times . . . . 

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting, and I'm a mess -- which is unusual for me.  I'm a 52 year old engineer and am normally pretty composed, but then I've never had to face anything vaguely like this.  And it seems like everyone else on here is facing similar staggering grief.  So I'll just pour my heart out and maybe it will help someone else here, and possibly be a little cathartic for me too.

 

So, first of all, my wife (Sandra) was Brazilian, and a licensed speech-language pathologist in Brazil.  We met late in life (she was 56) and were still head over heals for each other after 3 years together.  Together we navigated the incredibly convoluted and years-long immigration process and finally in January of 2020 we got a "fiance" visa that allowed her to come to the US.  We were married 2 days after she arrived in May 2020 (17 hours before the borders were closed to flights from Brazil).  Life was very simple, but we enjoyed every moment.  Sitting watching Netflix (in Portuguese), taking walks in the parks, and -- heaven help me -- going to Hobby Lobby (she was like a kid in a candy store in that place).  Laughing as she helped me improve my Portuguese.  Then came a scheduled business trip for me back to Brazil in December of last year.  And here's where things go downhill.

 

After being there for about 15 days, she contracted covid -- as did her adult children and several other relatives that we were visiting.  But here's where I went wrong.  I had already had covid -- with virtually no symptoms.  Same with everyone else in our circle down there -- almost no symptoms -- a nuisance at most.  And . . . . Sandra had a tendency to be a tad dramatic.  So . . . .  knowing all this, I didn't take her covid seriously.   For 5 days she was coughing and constantly checking her blood oxygen level and taking 9 gajillion over-the-counter medications.  I just kept telling her to relax, stay in bed, and recuperate.  In fact, I was somewhat annoyed that she was making such a big deal out of it.  And I let my annoyance show through multiple times -- being less than totally caring.  She needed my support, and I wasn't fully there for her because I thought she was making too big a deal out of it (knowing that we weren't in a demographic that was typically at risk for serious covid ramifications).  Then on the fifth day, she called me at work and begged me to come pick her up and take her to the hospital.  Exasperated, I left work, made the 40 minute drive back to the hotel and picked her up in the lobby -- she just seemed very weak to me, but nothing more.  I took her to the ER and they took her back (I wasn't allowed in due to covid).  I waited in the lobby -- I figured they'd give her a few hours of oxygen and then we could be done with this overreaction and go back to the hotel.  After 4 hours waiting, a nurse came out and told me that Sandra wasn't going to be released that night.  I asked what time in the morning I could pick her up.  The nurse said it would more likely be a couple days.  Geez -- what a hassle I thought.  Well "a couple days" turned into 10 days.  Somehow the last couple of nights I managed to sit with her in the evenings (she was no longer contagious, but had pneumonia), and my usual question was "When can we get you out of here?".  The evening of the 10th day she asked me to spend the night in the hospital with her.  To my eternal regret, I said I my contact lenses would dry out (can you believe it???), and I had to work in the morning, etc.  So she took off her oxygen mask and quietly said "Eu te amo" (I love you).  I said the same, gave her a small kiss and said I would see her the next evening.  The next morning I received a text from her son that said she had been intubated.  NOW, I started to get a little concerned -- but her sister (a nurse) said her vitals looked fine and the intubation would allow her to relax, so I stopped worrying.  Each evening thereafter we received a summary text from the hospital about her condition.  Each day was fine -- "patient vitals good, responding well to antibiotics", etc.  No problem.  Then . . . . on the fourth day of intubation, I was sitting in a restaurant at 7:27 pm eating a salad and wondering why the text from the hospital had not come out yet.  Then I got a text from her son -- he said "Mark, I got the message from the hospital -- and it's not good."  Suddenly my world went dark and my head was swirling -- suddenly I grasped how ridiculously nonchalant I had been.  I frantically texted back to her son "NO ! don't send me the information."  But he had already forwarded me the message.  It was in Portuguese and my muddled brain was struggling to translate.  I managed to understand "pupils fixed and dilated" but then couldn't comprehend the next phrases.  After a few moments, her son sent me the horrifying translation:  "massive stroke" -- and the hospital wanted to see me and the kids at 10:00 am the next day.  I paid and stumbled out of the restaurant and managed to somehow drive over to her son's apartment (I apparently got two traffic tickets from automated radar on the way over).  We all gathered there crying.  But somehow we managed to convince ourselves that a neurosurgeon could drill a hole in her skull and relieve the blood pressure (my dad had this done when I was young) and all might be fine.  We decided the hospital surgeons wanted to meet us the next day to ask permission for some emergency procedure.  And so the next day we (me, two adult kids, and sister) met at the hospital and were led downstairs to an area with some chairs.  We sat down and a group of four doctors came over and one started speaking to the kids and sister in Portuguese, then she suddenly turned to me and said -- in English -- two words that destroyed my world -- "brain dead".  I collapsed in the chair sobbing.  I begged the doctors -- in badly mangled Portuguese -- to tell me there was a chance of recovery -- ANY chance.  They just sadly shook their heads no.  [As I write this, tears are literally dripping on my keyboard and my heart feels like it's being squeezed into a ball].  I continued to cry uncontrollably and beg for a glimmer of hope, but the doctors were resolute -- Sandra would never regain consciousness.  A CT scan of her head was horrifying -- a giant pool of blood taking up about a third of her brain.  And with that my will to live evaporated.  Later that day she was taken off life support and she died.  That night her sister took me to the funeral home and in a daze I picked out a coffin and countless other gruesome choices ("heavy, medium, or light makeup?", etc.).  The next day we said our final goodbyes and she was buried.  In the space of 36 hours in late December I had gone from wondering when my beloved wife would finally get out of the hospital to seeing dirt being piled on her casket.  I left Brazil the day after Christmas in a daze.

 

And so I entered this world all of you have described -- intense pain, agony, disbelief.  And mind-bending REGRET.  Were it not for my 20 year-old son, I very likely would have killed myself over the next several days.  I genuinely wanted to die (and still do), but couldn't imagine putting my son in this same pain.  So I stumbled along.  But I can't deal with this.  Each and every damn morning I wake up and for 3 or 4 seconds I think Sandra and I have just broken up and all I need to do is text her quickly and send some roses, and grab a flight to Brazil.  Then reality comes crashing down:  Sandra is DEAD!  I will not see her EVER AGAIN!  Period.  No way to change this.  No way to fix it.  I have all manner of irrational thoughts.  I'm distraught that she has embalming fluid in her because how can she come back with embalming fluid in her veins?  I'm distraught that she's buried because that will make it very difficult for her to get out of the casket.  I check my Whatsapp to see if she has texted me.  I wonder if she will come back to me in someone else's body.  And I incessantly berate myself for not taking her illness more seriously [more tears dripping on my keyboard].  And, oh my god, WHY DIDN'T I STAY WITH HER IN THE HOSPITAL THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN SHE ASKED ???   I can't stop thinking about all the things I could have done to change the course of the story.   And I blew it.  I feel like I had the winning lottery ticket in my hand and I just let it blow away in the wind.  I was blessed with a gift that was so special to me -- and I let her slip through my fingers.

 

I can't take this pain.  I can't sleep -- I get maybe 4 hours per night.  I'm so shaky I can barely text my son.  I have zero appetite and have lost 15 lbs.  Life seems cold, scary and pointless.  I hold our wedding rings and say to thin air "Sandra, why did you leave me?" [now I'm crying so much I can barely type].  I keep thinking something will change and she will "come back".  Or I have darker thoughts that I'll go find her.  I just feel lost and don't care about much.  I go through the motions at work.  I find things in my notebook that she wrote in Portuguese and break down crying.  I have waves of the thought "Oh my god, she's dead."  that hit me like a brick wall.  I can't fathom that I will NEVER see her again.  Perhaps I'll be alive for another 30 years -- and in that 30 years I'll never be able to twirl her hair in my fingers again.  So those 30 years are worthless to me.    I just don't want to go on.

 

Thank you all for listening.  I wish my pain and agony was only something I have to suffer, but no, it sounds like we're all going through something similar.  What a sh*tty world.  I'm so sorry for all of us.  It's just not fair.  I want my Sandra back . . . .

I am so sorry for your loss that was a very intense and very quick.  Thank you for sharing that. 'sending you a hug and just know that the shock is different for everyone byt mostly allow allow yourself to grieve your beautiful woman, the old saying take it day by day dad grieve, listen to your body.  The pain is a game changer but its a slow process . And it isnt fair make sure you keep writing tings down so people here can help and listen and talk to you

[Mark loves Sandra]

Thank you @Mars40, I appreciate your thoughts.  I continue to walk around in a daze.  I get up, I go to work, come home, make myself simple food, sit on the couch and watch mindless Netflix movies to distract myself.  While I'm sitting on the couch my feet instinctively play with her flip-flops that remain exactly where she left them, sitting by "her side" of the couch.   Then I go to bed and start over the next morning.  Each day I ask "Why why why???".   What misery.

I read many versions of this existence on this forum.  People just feeling lost.  I'm sorry for us all.

--Mark

[April Ballou]

@Mark loves Sandra that me in a nutshell except I dont have a job to go to.  And it's the crawling into an empty bed I think is the hardest.  All of us here in this forum are going through the same thing.   I'm sorry for all of us too.  But if we work together we can make it.

[KayC]

13 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

And it's the crawling into an empty bed I think is the hardest.

I couldn't, I tried, it was a huge trigger/reminder he's not here.  I sleep in our reclining love seat...all these years, Probably always will.  Which is funny because it was our first piece of furniture and we have many memories cuddled up there.  But grief makes no sense.  Whatever feels best to us...