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Love of my life died suddenly (covid) and I can't accept it -- so many regrets


Mark loves Sandra

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5 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

@KayC What a beautiful picture. You look radiant and so does George.   Not enough love like that in our world.  And damn, when it does occur, it gets taken away and we end up on this forum.

--Mark

Very beautiful! Like Mark said, how awful that it is taken from us. It just doesn't seem fair!

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On 2/10/2021 at 9:22 PM, kay TX said:

CRY and get better!  

Just CRY and CRY and CRY ......  I did that for HOURS!!!

Crying helps, I am that strange area of numbness and really lost feeling. Crying most definitely comes, and it feels like your body has to, or you just won't make it. So cry, God bless you!

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16 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

@KayC What a beautiful picture. You look radiant and so does George.   Not enough love like that in our world.  And damn, when it does occur, it gets taken away and we end up on this forum.

--Mark

Thank you, people always commented on our love, it was so evident, in our connection, how we looked at each other, how we interacted, he was my soul mate and best friend, the love of my life.  And Arlie, my dog companion after George died, was my "soulmate in a dog."  Not the same as a spouse, but the perfect dog for me, and losing him felt like when I lost George all over again, I think it's common for the old loss to surface with the new one, building on it.  This is just a tough journey.

I do cherish the all too short time we had together, regardless of the price I'm paying now, really I'd be no better off had I not met him, I'd still be growing old alone or worse yet perhaps stuck in a bad marriage.  But at least I knew love and knew it completely and I'll carry with me the rest of my life what we had, what I learned, what he added to my life. 

11 hours ago, Jason43 said:

Very beautiful! Like Mark said, how awful that it is taken from us. It just doesn't seem fair!

There is no fairness about it.  I try not to compare as I know it's a joy killer and yesterday is gone but I also remember as it was the best time of my life...I can't help but think how going through this Covid isolation would be so different if I were sequestered with HIM by my side!

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April Ballou

I understand about a soulmate and the love of my life, that is exactly who Darrell was to me.  Anyone who knew us knew we loved each other.  39 years ago today Darrell moved in with my mother, his dad, and myself, we were living in a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment in Pasadena, Texas.  Seemed like yesterday.  I will never forget all the memories that we had together.  We had 2 wonderful children together.  So many memories, it is hard being all alone after 38 years of marriage.  It's going to be a lonely life.  But I know God has something planned for me, I just have to wait patiently and see what God has in store.

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foreverhis
3 hours ago, KayC said:

Thank you, people always commented on our love, it was so evident, in our connection, how we looked at each other, how we interacted, he was my soul mate and best friend, the love of my life.  And Arlie, my dog companion after George died, was my "soulmate in a dog."  Not the same as a spouse, but the perfect dog for me, and losing him felt like when I lost George all over again, I think it's common for the old loss to surface with the new one, building on it.  This is just a tough journey.

I do cherish the all too short time we had together, regardless of the price I'm paying now, really I'd be no better off had I not met him, I'd still be growing old alone or worse yet perhaps stuck in a bad marriage.  But at least I knew love and knew it completely and I'll carry with me the rest of my life what we had, what I learned, what he added to my life. 

That is a beautiful picture.  Your love for each other simply radiates out, as if it can't be contained in a two-dimensional image.

As you know, I completely agree that I'd still have jumped in with my whole heart, even knowing I'd be where I am now.  My life would have been okay, I'm sure, but it wouldn't have been rich and filled with a man who accepted me, all of me and all my faults and foibles.  I will bear the pain of missing him so deeply now because I love him so deeply still.  Someday, when it's my time, I know we will be together again because I can feel his presence so strongly sometimes that it's as if he is just out of sight, around the corner.  Perhaps he is.

John and I were the same way in how people would notice our connection, even during the worst times.  His sister, who we're very close to, commented to me more than once over the years how she could see it even when we'd just be sitting there on a sofa talking.  It was in the way we looked at each other and communicated without a word, the way we'd casually touch a shoulder or knee, the way we had these silly little "couple things" that only we understood.  Maybe it was that people could see our hearts in our eyes.  As hard as it is to use the word "lucky" when talking about him, the truth is that I was lucky to have him. 

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26 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

I understand about a soulmate and the love of my life, that is exactly who Darrell was to me.  Anyone who knew us knew we loved each other.  39 years ago today Darrell moved in with my mother, his dad, and myself, we were living in a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment in Pasadena, Texas.  Seemed like yesterday.  I will never forget all the memories that we had together.  We had 2 wonderful children together.  So many memories, it is hard being all alone after 38 years of marriage.  It's going to be a lonely life.  But I know God has something planned for me, I just have to wait patiently and see what God has in store.

God definitely has something in store for you. They say he does not give us more than we can handle. I believe it, just doesn't seem like it right now.

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Mark loves Sandra
3 hours ago, Jason43 said:

I just feel like I could have saved him. He died while were asleep next to one another.

Jason,

Mike died next to you while you two were sleeping?  Absolutely heartbreaking.  Like everyone else here, I wish I could change this for you.  I wish I could change it for me.  For everyone.  I'm so sorry -- and that comes from a person (like everyone else here) who speaks with total empathy .

Everyone says the pain will slowly dull with time (almost no one says it goes away).  I sure hope so, because it's overwhelming right now.  You know this well.  Everything reminds me of Sandra and it devastates me that I failed her.  You know this feeling too -- it's a b*tch.  I commiserated with in an earlier post about being at the bottom of the barrel.  You mentioned following Mike.  I have that thought every day.  And I can't rule it out -- sometimes I think this pain may get the better of me.  I used to be stronger.  Hope you're stronger.

--Mark

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4 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

The person who was able to sincerely say "I'm so sorry" to others who have lost a loved one, but not really understand their pain. Well, I understand now, in spades.

Mark, I feel for you. Trust me, these things go through my head too. I have a good friend who lost her husband almost 20 years ago and she is always talking about him. My wife and I never really contemplated the enormity of her loss. Now that my wife passed away, I told her, you know, NOW I understand what you've been through. Thankfully she didn't take it in a wrong way.

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Bennie Jets
45 minutes ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

@Sparky1 @Bennie Jets @Yoli

Hey ya'll, thanks so much for you thoughts.  It's so easy to sit in the dark staring at the wall, hating the world and imagine that no one else can possibly understand this pain.  But you guys get it, unfortunately.  Geez, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  I relentlessly think, "Wait, this just can't be real.  This can't be happening to me."   And then my mind instantly flashes to Sandra laying in her casket as if to prove that, yep, it's happening to me.

Perro J is heading to Ecuador tomorrow to see his beloved's family (safe travels PJ), so I won't tag him, but he said it soooo well with his "This cannot be".  Exactly.

And I get irrationally angry with Sandra for laying peacefully in the casket.  She shouldn't have just laid there peacefully, in that horrid box -- get up damnit !  Why would she let herself be constrained and put in that box ???   Why did she look so calm???  And why can I not stop myself from asking these stupid questions?

I spent 15 minutes just uncontrollably sobbing tonight at the thought that Sandra's not coming back.  That I failed her.  This thought just haunts me.  I'm either going to get through through this, or end up dead.  And I don't say that to be dramatic.  I'm an engineer -- drama is not my forte.  But one way or another this pain must desist.

I hope everybody on here is doing at least a little better than me.  So much pain on this forum. Before this happened to me I just never imagined so many people are hurting so much.  Loved ones dying is what happened to other people.

Ok, I'll quit. I'm exhausted.  Another night of laying in the bed, gritting my teeth (that can't be good for my teeth) and clenching my fists.  I wake up (if I was ever asleep) exhausted, depressed, and a hurting jaw.  It's all I can do to drag myself out of bed -- everyone here knows that feeling.

Goodnight everyone.  Maybe I'll get lucky and not wake up.

--Mark

 

Three deep breaths?

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April Ballou

This is one day they could have cancelled.  How do you celebrate a day that revolves around love when the love of your life is gone?  Lots of praying, crying, and remembering.  There were times throughout Darrell and myself marriage that we didnt do anything for valentines day, but we always told each other that we loved them and gave each other a hug and kiss.  Who do I do that to?  Nobody.  All I have are memories.  And to top it off we are having record breaking low temperatures with ice everywhere.  They even cancelled church due to the weather conditions.  Maybe all this cold weather will kill the coronavirus once and for all.

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4 minutes ago, April Ballou said:

This is one day they could have cancelled.  How do you celebrate a day that revolves around love when the love of your life is gone?  Lots of praying, crying, and remembering.  There were times throughout Darrell and myself marriage that we didnt do anything for valentines day, but we always told each other that we loved them and gave each other a hug and kiss.  Who do I do that to?  Nobody.  All I have are memories.  And to top it off we are having record breaking low temperatures with ice everywhere.  They even cancelled church due to the weather conditions.  Maybe all this cold weather will kill the coronavirus once and for all.

April, this is a very painful day for me as well. It's my first Valentine's without my wife. Yesterday at the store, men were buying roses and chocolates and my heart just hurt watching them. In all the years we were together, I don't think I missed one day where I didn't tell her I love you. Since she's passed away I haven't missed one day either. We are having very cold temperatures as well and quite a bit of snow fell overnight. Over here, everything is closed, restaurants, hardware stores, salons, churches, even the mausoleum where my wife is. I haven't been able to go in 3 months now. Arggggggh. I hope all of us get by today.

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April Ballou

Yes I'm sure that is why it is so hard for me.  Sparky1 this is my first valentines day without Darrell. 

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April Ballou

Darrell and I were not winter people we did what was absolutely necessary.  But it was the summer when we had our fun.  This summer is going to be hard.  It starts with my birthday, which is Mother's day.  Then Father's day, his birthday and then our anniversary.  I don't know how I am gonna make it through all that.  I guess the same way I did Thanksgiving, Christmas, and now Valentines day alot or crying and praying.  I wish there was a magic button for us all that we could push.  But we have to focus on what we need to do with ourselves.

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MissyLaLaLa

Yeah holidays are going to be so hard. Valentine's day was his Birthday. Halloween was our Anniversary. Thanksgiving is around mine and our son's Birthday and Christmas will forever be extremely difficult to deal with. I use to love to think about the holidays now they're just painful to think about. Thank you everyone for your kind words. ❤️

 

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Valentine's Day was my dog companion's birthday, he's been gone 1 1/2 years now.  I don't much care for holidays anymore, even Christmas is lonely, no one comes.  The kids have their own lives, they want me to travel to them now, it's hard as I don't drive at night and can't spend the night as I have to keep the fire going.  I'm usually relieved when it's over.  Makes me feel like a stick in the mud!  I prefer summer, winter is hard.

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Mark loves Sandra

Everyone,

@KayC mentioned how holidays are tough now.  So true.  Sandra died on Dec. 18, 2020 and the whole town was decked out for Christmas (Brazilians love Christmas lights and festivities just as much as Americans -- just imagine Christmas with very warm weather).  As I mentioned in my original post, I stumbled onto a plane and left Brazil the day after Christmas.  For 8 days I was soaked in Christmas festivities while all that went through my head was "brain dead" and seeing Sandra laying in a casket.  Now I instinctively associate Christmas with the worst pain I've ever known.  It felt like a macabre celebration of her death.

And here's another problem I now have:  trying to practice my Portuguese.  On the one hand, just hearing Portuguese is immensely painful.  I learned this language for her, and was very proud of the effort I put in -- it was a way I could show my love and respect for her and her culture.  We spoke it at home. I learned Portuguese curse words (very handy when hitting your thumb hanging a picture that your Brazilian wife has asked you to hang 5 times).  So it became something that bonded us.  I used to joke that lessons had become too expensive, so I just "imported" a live-in tutor who I could also sleep with.  She had some choice Portuguese words for that.

But despite the memories that flood in each time I work on my grammar or pronunciation, it's worse when I intentionally avoid practicing because it feels like I'm letting Sandra slip away.  I recall my horror a few days ago when I forgot the conjugation of the irregular verb for "to have" -- it felt like I had just let a piece of Sandra blow away.  I became desperate to practice -- as if becoming more skilled in Portuguese will bring her back.  I'll become irrational and think that more dedication will give me a chance to talk to her again.

I know, pretty weird.  I'm just desperate to hold onto her, can't let anything go.  I miss her so much.

Hope everyone is staying warm in this severe winter storm.

--Mark

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I understand, Mark.  We do whatever we need to in order to get through this and sometimes that can change from week to week.

It snowed here last night and today, in the forecast for who knows how long, very pretty but I can't get warm.

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I wouldn't expect you to, it took me years.  Today it's enough to breathe and remember to take a sip of water.  That in itself is a feat.  :wub2:

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I'm sorry if I repeat myself. I often don't remember things I've said. My brain is constantly occupied with trying to make any sense out of what has happened. It still thinks of ways I can get her back or places I can find her. My brain is on a relentless search along with attempting to come to terms with reality that half the time I don't make any sense. The other half of time I repeat myself. My apologies if I re-ask things.

 

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18 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

@BBB

BBB, on another thread you asked if others are thinking irrationally also.  Similar to @Sparky1, uhhhhmmm, that would be a big "yes" with a capital Y.  I've had such bizarre thoughts that I'm embarrassed to discuss them.  As you know, I'm an engineer and tend to pride myself on being logical and rational.  But losing Sandra has thrown all that in the trash (like my life).  In no particular order:

1)  I worry that as time passes since Sandra died, it's going to be increasingly difficult for me to explain her presence when she comes back.

2)  I fantasize about time travel and being able to go back to before she died and take another path.  Where's that wormhole that Jody Foster went through in "Contact"?

3)  [this is dark, sorry] I have offered my soul for sale to any entity that is capable of bringing Sandra back (see item #1 for related complications).

4) I convince myself that our love was sooooooooo special, so one-in-a-million, that I can bring her back just by wishing hard enough.  I try and try and try . . . 

5) I worry that it will be hard for her to get out of the casket because there's all that dirt piled on top -- will be a lot of work to dig out of that.

6)  I'm glad she's not cremated because certainly there wouldn't be any way for her to come back if her body had been cremated.

7)  I think about using strands of her hair to sequence her DNA and then pay a scientist to clone her. (apparently I've watched too many Jurassic Park's).  THEN I worry that her clone won't know who I am -- what if her clone doesn't love me???

8) I think about the physics concept of infinite alternate universes and wonder how I go about accessing a universe that she's still alive in.

9)  And finally, in fits of enormous hypocrisy, I resort to begging any available higher power to give her back to me.  Making any bargain necessary, if he/she/it will just give me Sandra back.  And doing this while simultaneously being really p*ssed off with any available higher power for not saving Sandra.

So, yeah, I think it's a safe bet that we're all walking around thinking really ridiculous stuff about how to get our beloved back.  I know that when I hit pillow tonight I'll whisper "The offer till stands -- bring her back and I'll do anything you want."

--Mark

 

I have been through most of the things on your list. For months I was in such a panic. I felt like he was missing, maybe abducted and he needed my help to go and find him. It was such a strong feeling and I had difficulty explaining how I felt. How urgent it was. Somewhere deep down I knew it was nonsense but I just couldn't shake it off. My sanity was only saved by the fact that I don't drive so I couldn't go looking.

It still makes no sense to me. I only have to look in the mirror and I know he is supposed to be by my side. We were as they say 'joined at the hip'. I worry about where he is, if he's ok.

My accident has made me focus on now but it hasn't stopped the pain and emptiness.

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Mark loves Sandra

Hi Everyone,

I've been sulking for the last couple weeks, hating the world.  And just when I thought things couldn't get much worse, there was a knock on the door.  So a word of warning to all on this forum who might be using counseling.  Let me explain . . . 

I've been searching for covid grief support groups, preferably in-person, but that's tough right now.  I found one in-person, but it was only for a few sessions.  Then I got connected with an online group that was starting up.  The lead counselor was based at the University of Nebraska.  Yesterday (Friday, Feb 26) she called me to do the basic screening and asked about my "story" and how I was doing.  I told her all about Sandra, and began crying while talking (pretty common for me these days).  She asked if I had any suicidal thoughts, and, wanting to be open and honest, I said "Sure, I have them every day.  Every day I wake up and wonder what the point of still being here is."  [Mistake #1].  Then she asked if I had a plan.  In hindsight, I now know this is a trigger question.  Do NOT ever say "yes" to this question.  But as you all now know, I'm an engineer and I don't do much without a plan.  Ditto for suicide.  I did plenty of research and came up with a method that was both highly effective (do NOT want to end up alive but severely damaged) and would create the least trauma for those left behind.  Just sort of a backup if I can't live with this continuous gut-wrenching pain. You know the saying: "If something's worth doing, it's worth doing right . . . "  Gallows humor.  Anyway, the counselor asked me if I had a plan.  I openly explained my logic and expounded on my reasoning. [Mistake #2].  Do NOT ever say you "have a plan".  The counselor was highly empathetic.  As the call concluded, she asked for my address for registration for the group, which I cheerfully provided. [Mistake #3].  The call ended and I thought "Wow, she seemed very nice, and appropriately sympathetic.  That was about 4 pm.

So . . . around 7 pm I was baking a pizza in the oven (because I still have zero energy/enthusiasm for cooking anything) and there was a knock on the door.  I opened the door to find two police officers standing there.  They were very polite and asked if I was Mark.  I confirmed who I was and invited them in and asked if they'd like a coke or something.  Nope, they informed me that they'd received a concerning call that I was suicidal and they needed to "check on me."  Well, I was initially very appreciative that they would take time out of their busy duties to check on me.  I put two and two together and figured out that the online counselor had called them.  I calmly explained the background and that while I certainly have everyday thoughts about suicide (haven't we all thought about this?), at the moment that was not a concern.  At this point they explained that they were obligated to take me to the hospital for a psych evaluation.  Wait, what ??? It's 7:30 on a Friday night.  I said "But I've got a pizza in the oven -- suicidal people don't put pizzas in the oven".  They said "Sorry, it's out of our hands, we have to take you to the hospital."  I politely protested, to no avail.  But it gets better/worse:  they said "And you've got to go in an ambulance."  WTF???  By then I was starting to see $$$ going down the drain (I think ambulances are outrageously expensive).  I protested further but they were resolute.  It was clear that they had some sort of legal authority/obligation to do this, so I asked for a couple minutes to take out the pizza and change clothes.  The officer said that was fine, but he would have to accompany me everywhere.  Joy.  So I got changed and was put into the ambulance and . . . wait for it . . . strapped down/restrained to a gurney.  Lovely.  When I arrived at the hospital, they took me to a waiting room for "suicidal ideations" and the officers waited outside.  At this point, a physician's assistant said he "appreciated my cooperation" because without that, he would have to "restrict my rights."  Uh oh, I started having visions of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest".  They politely demanded blood and urine samples.  Those results came back and I was "medically cleared".  Now I had to be evaluated by a crisis counselor to see if I needed to be involuntarily admitted.  At this point it became very clear that I needed to stop being honest and open and start lying.  A lot.  So my whole story changed.  I was now just "sad".  To every question I basically cheerfully answered "no" (which certainly seemed to be the correct answer).  "Have you ever had thoughts of harming yourself?"  "Nope, I feel generally good."  "Have you been depressed recently?"  "No, not recently."  Etc.  This whole process took about 4 hours.  Finally, they declared me as safe to leave . . . IF I had a ride home.  Uhhhmm, you dragged me down here and now you won't let me leave unless someone picks me up at 11:30 at night???  I made up some nonsense about an Uber ride and then sort of snuck out.  I was so angry that I just walked home.  Took me 45 minutes, but the exercise did me good.  Got home and ate cold pizza.  And thought about how Sandra would find this quite humorous.

So, lesson learned.  You can say just about anything to a counselor, but if they know where you live, do NOT discuss suicidal thoughts, even as a vague concept.  If it sounds bizarre, indeed it was.  But it happened just 12 hours ago.  Beware.

--Mark

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Wow, Mark! I am so sorry you were put in this situation! It sounds so bizarre that the councellor would send the police to your home. What kind of councellor does that! I can’t even imagine what you are going through! I admit I haven’t had suicidal thoughts from grief (it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my Love every second of every day with every fibre of my body and mind), but in the prospect that I am going to be all by myself one day when I grow old and sick, I have thought of ending my life with a plan. Just to spare the hassle for whoever will find me. But not today, not tomorrow, not while my body is healthy and able to serve me for my basic needs. I still want to see where the world is going and enjoy the beauty of life around me. I hope you find peace in time. I know it’s hard and it’s still so fresh for you. But one day at a time. Hang in there! Come here and rant, as often as you need. If you need someone to talk to who understands, and won’t send the police to your place, DM me or someone esle here, there is also a chat room, although I have never used it. At least your privacy is safe here. Love and Peace! [emoji3590]


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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"I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." means "Run away as fast as you can!"

That's a heck of an experience and I am sorry that it happened to you. While I can see the counselor's good intentions, it put you into a system that probably doesn't have much, if any, mechanisms to deal with exceptions. I am not the hellion one might imagine from to following statement but: My experiences with the police have not been mostly positive. It's too bad that they could not exercise their own independent judgment and see that you were doing OK. I do entertain thoughts of catching up to the one I love. I don't like that it is so. I still have a few obligations that certainly I need to stay here for. Not many. Maybe one day I'll feel differently - but for now I know she'd want me to stay here - to take care of my Mom, to take care of her sisters, to keep in touch with her parents. I feel compelled to stay - to carry out the duties that she would want me to do. Even if all that were put aside, your reasoning is solid. If I have a pizza in the oven I sure as hell am not killing myself until after I've eaten it.

 

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Mark loves Sandra

@Perro J

Yep, a less-than-fun experience.

Hey, I read your recent post about your feelings after the trip.  I can honestly imagine exactly what this may have stirred up.  To have slept in her bed . . . . geez . . . you're a braver man than me.  To be so close to where she was -- and yet infinitely far away.  Brutal.  I'm sorry.  I really am.  And now I'm worried about me going back to Brazil.  While you were "sleeping in her bed" I texted with Sandra's family and asked if Brazil has a similar tradition to Ecuador regarding commemorating the anniversary of a loved one's death.  Apparently not, but nonetheless her family really wants me to come back and spend some time with them, perhaps on Sandra's birthday (November).  But I'm struggling so much as it is, I can't emotionally afford a trip that reopens this wound (the police would have to come haul me off again . . .). So if you're up to it, please post about what you decide in the coming months as to whether this past trip was a good idea, and what you decide regarding the July trip.

Oh, and interesting to learn about Ecuador's four climates.  Didn't know that.  Where Sandra lived (central area) was always warm/tropical, but indeed the far North of Brazil is baking hot, while the far South gets snow.  And in between is the Amazon Basin.  Which I always wanted Sandra to take me to, but she had lived there for a period and she was less than enthralled about the jungle -- she said it had black clouds of pernilongas (mosquitos).

@Maria_PI  Thanks for your thoughts above.  Much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Mark

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Mark loves Sandra

@Lindafg

Your partner is 56 and has been put on a ventilator due to covid? This is exactly my Sandra's story (see my first post on this thread).  But maybe here's ray of hope for you:  Sandra's lungs were pretty ravaged by covid too, but she was doing OK -- she actually succumbed to a bleeding stroke because of the blood thinners that they administered to prevent a stroke due to a clot.  My point being that she would likely have survived had the stroke not occurred.  So your partner's chances aren't necessarily bad.  Stay engaged with the doctors and nurses (do better than I did).  And perhaps see if someone can take a phone in and hold it to his ear while you talk to him.  You never know what will help.

I really hope this turns out well for you.  I'd like you to not have to return to this forum.  I wish I wasn't here.

--Mark

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This sounds scary! I do not write very often but I come to this site every night for about a year. I thought that "Mark loves Sandra" didn't post recently..may be he is feeling a bit better... I've read that usually it takes about 3 months for a widower to process the most intense grief.. afterwards men start to feel better. It takes two years minimum for a widow for some sort of a recovery.

I think I developed PTSD after a sudden loss of my husband. It has been almost 15 months..I feel I'm stuck. I feel worse than 4 months ago.

I have been looking for an online grief support groups but I still do not feel like talking with the unknown person about my loss....

I always knew that in this country one have to be very careful with all kind of social services and the "words" you use with them...

Thanks a lot, Mark! No counseling for me for sure. I might go to a grief support group after coronovirus.

 

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Thank you Mark. We are not married, so the info goes through his sister. Covid has ravaged his lungs also. Please pray for Rich. I have to believe there’s some hope. 

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Gail 8588
6 hours ago, Mark loves Sandra said:

. . .

So, lesson learned.  You can say just about anything to a counselor, but if they know where you live, do NOT discuss suicidal thoughts, even as a vague concept.  

Mark loves Sandra,

Geez, I am so sorry for your ordeal with the police / hospital. 

Florida has that same sort of system, but maybe worse. Just about anyone can report you as a threat to yourself or others and the police can take you to a psych ward for 72 hours of observation. You don't have to even get an initial evaluation until the end of the first 24 hours.  So in Florida, I doubt you would have even been evaluated until the next day.

I am glad you figured out the correct answer is "No" to every question, unless you want to be a long term guest. 

Like you, I always had a plan. Over the first 3 years, I had several optional plans.  But I never discussed any of them with the people in my life - primarily because I was aware of Florida's involuntary civil commitment laws.  After the first 72 hours evaluation period, if a doctor deems you are a danger to yourself or others, you are committed. You are not entitled to a reassessment for 6 months, and one every 6 months thereafter.  So, it can be a real tar pit to try to extricate  yourself from.  It is also a hard thing to explain on a future job interview when your arrest history shows you were involuntarily committed as dangerous. 

Your 4 hour ordeal was an extraordinarily short event for this sort of process.  It could have been much worse.

Gail

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foreverhis

Oh Kay, that is terrible.  You've had enough challenges these past few years--more than your share.  I'm sending you big ((HUGS)) and hope you get set with the new doctor, etc. ASAP.

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Maria_PI

@KayC I admire your resiliency! How much suffering can a person take?! And this healthcare system that wants to see the money first, isn't helping. I hope things resolve for you quickly! I understand that mental health could be difficult to define and treat properly, but there shouldn't be so much administrative hassle dealing with identifiable physical ailments. Sending you warm hugs!

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18 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm sending you big ((HUGS)) and hope you get set with the new doctor, etc. ASAP.

I'm holding for Healthnet right now, they don't show the switch yet on the on line card and the other one won't come for two weeks or so, I can't wait or be w/o a doctor in the meanwhile.  Wouldn't you know, CVS emailed me this morning saying I'm due for refills but have none left...yet right now I'm in limbo w/o anyone to prescribe them!  Will be glad when everything is behind me and I can get some adequate care and know some answers/solutions.

13 minutes ago, Maria_PI said:

there shouldn't be so much administrative hassle dealing with identifiable physical ailments.

Covid seems to have sent my former doctor's brains out the window!  All she cares about is Covid testing not doctoring what you came for.  I want to pull my hair out!

Thank you both for the well thoughts and I take all the hugs I can get!

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Maria_PI
On 2/28/2021 at 1:00 AM, Gail 8588 said:

Florida has that same sort of system, but maybe worse. Just about anyone can report you as a threat to yourself or others and the police can take you to a psych ward for 72 hours of observation. You don't have to even get an initial evaluation until the end of the first 24 hours.  So in Florida, I doubt you would have even been evaluated until the next day.

I am glad you figured out the correct answer is "No" to every question, unless you want to be a long term guest. 

Like you, I always had a plan. Over the first 3 years, I had several optional plans.  But I never discussed any of them with the people in my life - primarily because I was aware of Florida's involuntary civil commitment laws.  After the first 72 hours evaluation period, if a doctor deems you are a danger to yourself or others, you are committed. You are not entitled to a reassessment for 6 months, and one every 6 months thereafter.  So, it can be a real tar pit to try to extricate  yourself from.  It is also a hard thing to explain on a future job interview when your arrest history shows you were involuntarily committed as dangerous. 

Gail, I live in Florida and I have learned the hard way not to trust my neighbors, pretend everything is fine even if they unexpectedly stopped by to ask if we needed help. But this is no way to live, not being able to be yourself and trust the people around you. In Mark's case I am even more appalled by the reaction of the counselor who sent the police. I thought mental health counselors were supposed to be confidential? Or maybe I am wrong. In any case, lesson learned!

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They are confidential...about other things, but they are mandatory reporters, as doctors are.  It's so wrong that we can't be candid with both as they are meant to help us!  

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It's called the Baker's Act in FL.  Some other states have similar laws.  It's crazy to see 1 phone call with someone who has the power and audacity to do that.   Mark I'm not here that much but today I read this entire thread.  I 'm sorry for your loss.  I'm hopeful your mind will start to process this as the engineer in you would.  Sorry you are in so much pain.  It sucks.  I know.  Just did taxes,  afterwards I stood at the edge of the rabbit hole for a while.  Two days later, pretty sure I stepped off the ledge.  Until the next time, could be tomorrow, could be next week, month, who knows?  I also hope  you find a covid19 support group.  All of the deaths I see here just awful, and so young!!

I also told a friend to f off while I was distraught this weekend.  She texted the group that she is sick again, and oh woe is me, she just can't catch a break.  So, I replied back that it could be worse, you could be dead.  I probably should have just let it go, but I didn't.

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