Members LoveNeverDies Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 I had one of my coworkers ask me that today , it’s been less than 2 months since I watched my love take his last breath . Why would I be ok now?!?! People make me want to lock myself in my house and never come out . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 Wow, some people really don't get it. Maybe we should start replying to these people who ask such questions 'You'll know how I feel when you lose your partner.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Perro J Posted January 12, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 Wow. For me this is like losing a limb. It isn't going to grow back. I am never going to be OK. I am simply going to have to learn to live without. I am coming up on six months and while I have made improvements - I don't sob every day now and when I do it isn't as intense - but the loss is and always will be there. Forgive them for they know not what they do - but that was a poor question for them to ask you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rashell Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 Oh man, the day someone asks me that I will probably lose it. People keep telling me “You’ll get over it soon” and “This is a story you’ll tell your grandkids” like this is just a little bump in the road. They don’t realize the road ended for me and I’m having to wander the desert looking for a way to keep going. Some people can just be so insensitive without even realizing it, I’m so sorry we all have to go through this, it’s bad enough without having to hear things like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LMR Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 I hope Im not breaking any rules by repeating what I wrote on another thread but it seems so relevant here. My friend wrote: "You actually have control of your mind and could, if you really wanted, decide to be happy or miserable but you are unhappy because he has moved on and left you, is it worth it?" I felt like a kid in school being told off. Like missing him so much is not allowed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveNeverDies Posted January 13, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 21 minutes ago, LMR said: I hope Im not breaking any rules by repeating what I wrote on another thread but it seems so relevant here. My friend wrote: "You actually have control of your mind and could, if you really wanted, decide to be happy or miserable but you are unhappy because he has moved on and left you, is it worth it?" I felt like a kid in school being told off. Like missing him so much is not allowed. Wow !! I can’t even comprehend how someone could even think like that , never mind actually say it to their grieving friend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveNeverDies Posted January 13, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 53 minutes ago, Rashell said: People keep telling me “You’ll get over it soon” and “This is a story you’ll tell your grandkids” like this is just a little bump in the road. Some people really have absolutely no clue what it’s like ! I think I would have lost it ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 Loveneverdies and LRM, Incredible that "friends" could say such things. They just have no clue at all what you are going through. It is really hard to articulate the how much rage this kind of statement can cause. It's best to just walk away. They are never going to understand until they experience such a loss. So sorry for you both. Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 I wish I had control, I used to be strong. Now I am trying to determine when and if I need to seek help. Many of us, myself included are in a very fragile place, suffering from shock and PTSD. Our mental state and emotionally being were rocked so hard by this trauma many us struggle with the basic will to live. Trust me it’s not as simple as a choice, many of us are trying to crawl out of a deep, dark hole where death looks better than living without our soulmate! That person has no idea what this is like! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Dawn Wms Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 I pretty much have locked myself in my house and rarely go out. I have a few trusted and understanding friends, but I can't be around people who want to act like things are normal. Good God, when you lose the love of your life and the one with whom you have planned your future, you are shattered. I don't know how long rebuilding one's life takes, but I have been in mourning for over eight months and it is still as raw as ever. I am lost, I am traumatized, I am in a state of disbelief. I don't know what the heck I am going to do with the rest of my life. I guess we see people still alive and going about their business after major losses so we just assume it is doable. We just don't realize, until we are in that position, how excruciatingly painful it is. And I agree, it is not as simple as saying it is a choice. I did not choose to lose the husband I loved dearly and with whom I thought I would grow old. This tragedy has been thrust upon me. I agree that there are many instances in our lives where we choose our attitude, but this is not one of them. The depth of your grief reflects the depth of your love. No other person can understand a relationship that they are not a part of. To such insensitive people I guess I would say, "You simply have no idea and you have no right to judge me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Soulmate8 Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 Iv also locked myself away from the world as I just don't want to carry on with out the love of my life, people say it gets easier but I just don't see how, if I do manage to laugh at something I feel guilty and if I go more then 1 day without crying I feel guilty, he was my hero and my best friend any tough times in my life I turned to him but now he's not here to help me with the biggest trauma in my life and it hurts so much x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Zee24 Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 8 hours ago, Gail 8588 said: Loveneverdies and LRM, Incredible that "friends" could say such things. They just have no clue at all what you are going through. It is really hard to articulate the how much rage this kind of statement can cause. It's best to just walk away. They are never going to understand until they experience such a loss. So sorry for you both. Gail Never mind the insensitivity since everyone says things with the best of intentions which can be misinterpreted. But the amount of judgement that also comes along that the other person is a petulant, spoiled, drama queen. Its astonishing. My family ties have been irrevocably damaged by the lack of empathy and concern they have shown. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Soulmate8 Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 I think the worse thing people say to me is 'you have your memories' it's so frustrating because I would give up all my memories and I have so many to just have him back xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Rashell Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 4 hours ago, Soulmate8 said: if I do manage to laugh at something I feel guilty and if I go more then 1 day without crying I feel guilty This is how I feel right now. There’s been about an hour everyday, when my friends come over and they’ve listened to me talk about him for hours, that we start talking the way we did before, and while I’m not really laughing and engaging just the fact that I’m seemingly normal for a few minutes I feel so guilty about. Or when I start talking to my mom about some of the things we used to talk about all the time and get caught up in the conversation and for a few minutes things are the way they were before, then I feel so guilty after. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 13, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 17 hours ago, LMR said: Like missing him so much is not allowed. Wow. Like WOW! My job was so supportive and kind when I went back to work (two weeks) but then the job ended and I was job hunting. When I did get one it was young people and none of them had a clue what it was like to lose your spouse, in fact, three of them were going through a divorce. I didn't talk with any of them about personal stuff. I just kept work separate from home. 2 hours ago, Rashell said: while I’m not really laughing and engaging just the fact that I’m seemingly normal for a few minutes I feel so guilty about. I read an article similar that first year and it helped me. I wish I'd saved it. http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Roxeanne Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 32 minutes ago, KayC said: http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013//30/learning-how-to-smile-again/ Thank you Kay for this article...it's good to know that even a mom who lost her daughter ( and i think it's the worst loss) can find peace again and a new life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sparky1 Posted January 13, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 4 hours ago, Roxeanne said: it's good to know that even a mom who lost her daughter ( and i think it's the worst loss) can find peace again and a new life Yes, my mother in law lost her daughter ( my wife) and she's 84. She was yelling and screaming at the viewing and funeral. I think she probably had it worse than I did. Then a month later, she lost her brother. She's a tough woman and I can see where my wife got it from. People keep calling her and asking her if she's okay. I just keep quiet because she's very cordial with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Michelene Posted January 14, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 So You’re Okay Now? Wow, i thought I'd heard them all. “This is a story you’ll tell your grandkids” ok-that one is pretty bad too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 14, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 14, 2021 Wow, I think I'd have to agree, Michelene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members foreverhis Posted January 15, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 On 1/13/2021 at 6:32 AM, Zee24 said: Never mind the insensitivity since everyone says things with the best of intentions which can be misinterpreted. But the amount of judgement that also comes along that the other person is a petulant, spoiled, drama queen. Its astonishing. My family ties have been irrevocably damaged by the lack of empathy and concern they have shown. One of our members (sorry, I don't remember who) wrote that something like 2 weeks after her husband died, her mother-in-law told her to "stop pouting" about it. Seriously. This woman, who had just lost her own son, told his beloved wife to stop pouting about his death. It's stunning really how cruel and stupid some people can be. I know I am extremely lucky that our small circle of friends and family have been nothing but supportive. When I read about the experiences of other members, I get so angry on their behalf. It boggles my mind sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Zee24 Posted January 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 I think its incredible how callous certain people are and i don’t know if its down to personality or experience. All I wanted was to be heard and told yeah what you are thinking is valid. What I got was oh its not as bad as how you think it is or arguments against what I was saying. To be heard out in peace and be told, yes this is a shitty thing to happen to you I agree, to validate someone’s experience, is all that we can ask for. Nobody can take away my pain but don’t insult me by saying that what I am thinking and feeling is wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LoveNeverDies Posted January 16, 2021 Author Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 It makes me mad when people say such stupid things, it’s like they’re trivializing his death . I can’t explain the emptiness in my life without him, I’ll never stop missing him and I’ll never stop loving him.. he use tell me with his deep voice with that Texas accent of his “ you’re my everythang “ He was my everything too, it’s so hard to go on without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 16, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 3 hours ago, Zee24 said: All I wanted was to be heard and told yeah what you are thinking is valid. What I got was oh its not as bad as how you think it is or arguments against what I was saying. I am so sorry! You won't get that here, here we will validate your feelings and experience as we understand from our experience. People who haven't been in our shoes can't possibly understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JaynEm9220 Posted January 16, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 On 1/13/2021 at 6:26 AM, Missy1 said: I wish I had control, I used to be strong. Now I am trying to determine when and if I need to seek help. Many of us, myself included are in a very fragile place, suffering from shock and PTSD. Our mental state and emotionally being were rocked so hard by this trauma many us struggle with the basic will to live. Trust me it’s not as simple as a choice, many of us are trying to crawl out of a deep, dark hole where death looks better than living without our soulmate! That person has no idea what this is like! I absolutely agree. It is not a choice. Every day is different in terms of intensity and you have no idea how intense it will be. I have no control at all. Basic will to live is a choice I make but only because we have two children, aged 17 and 8 much love everyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Missy1 Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 Quote Another fine example of how people just don’t get it. I am going on 12 months and am miserable every day. I noticed that when I am watching TV and something is funny I hear myself laughing but I don’t feel the emotions behind the laughter. What is that about? It’s like a reflex, similar to hitting your knee and watching your leg kick forward. Unable to control it, feeling nothing. I laugh but don’t feel happy like I use to before his death. I fear I am more broken than I can comprehend. This event has has redefined my entire life and broken me, I don’t know who I am. I do know I am unable to feel happiness or joy anymore...... wow a sad revelation! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JaynEm9220 Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 7 hours ago, Missy1 said: Another fine example of how people just don’t get it. I am going on 12 months and am miserable every day. I noticed that when I am watching TV and something is funny I hear myself laughing but I don’t feel the emotions behind the laughter. What is that about? It’s like a reflex, similar to hitting your knee and watching your leg kick forward. Unable to control it, feeling nothing. I laugh but don’t feel happy like I use to before his death. I fear I am more broken than I can comprehend. This event has has redefined my entire life and broken me, I don’t know who I am. I do know I am unable to feel happiness or joy anymore...... wow a sad revelation! Missy1 I told my friend that I was tired of feeling extremes of emotions except love and/or happiness. I don’t feel either at all. I know it exists in me, I feel grateful for those around me and suspect in time it will return. However, I wholeheartedly agree with you in terms of death redefining you. I am 14 weeks on from his death. The only word that describe me best is broken. When those pieces finally reassemble I will look similar to the old me but I won’t be because if you look closely, you’ll see chips in the pieces, pieces that don’t fit as closely together anymore. And there is one missing piece, around which the others used to fix to. The structure is very fragile but will eventually stand up to the pressure. At the moment our pain is too raw to few anything but the things you described. Take one day at a time. Time doesn’t heal, the sadness will never leave me but slowly I will learn to process this horrendous experience and assimilate it into my life somehow (but I am very resistant to this) much love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members steveb Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 17 minutes ago, JaynEm9220 said: Missy1 I told my friend that I was tired of feeling extremes of emotions except love and/or happiness. I don’t feel either at all ... JaynEm9220, you convey your thoughts in a way that I can’t. Your words hit home. Thanks for taking the time to put pen to paper so to speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JaynEm9220 Posted January 17, 2021 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 9 minutes ago, steveb said: JaynEm9220, you convey your thoughts in a way that I can’t. Your words hit home. Thanks for taking the time to put pen to paper so to speak. Thank you. They are the only thing I have in this utterly awful place I find myself in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 18, 2021 Moderators Report Share Posted January 18, 2021 I'm sorry, I know the pain all too well... Resilience, Brokenness, Sorrow I remember a friend posting this and was able to find it again: Grief Brain - Broken/fixed pot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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