Bad day

[LMR]

Having such a terrible day today, I have hardly stopped crying since I woke up this morning. My brain just will not believe he isn't coming back. I feel like I have abandoned him. I don't know how to deal with this. It's almost five months. The pain just gets worse.

[Hcb1128]

I’m feeling the same way I just feel so bad for him and sad I don’t have him here anymore.

[Sparky1]

This evening has been pretty awful for me. I got home and have been breaking down every half hour or so. It's like the anguish I had when my wife first passed. I have headaches from too much crying and thinking of her. The despair is overwhelming some moments. I don't think it will ever go away.

[steveb]

I broke down last night while talking to my mom on the phone.  During our conversation, I was looking at a picture of my wife when she was a little girl. She was such an adorable cutie pie.  My mom got me back on track again, but that moment of pain was really excruciating. 

[Rashell]

The first few days after my partner passed I felt very sad, numb, everything felt meaningless, but I also weirdly felt at peace. I had no anxiety, a lot of my anxieties revolve around death, me dying or the people I care about, and I didn’t have this anxiety. I normally have a really big fear of something happening to me when I am alone and no one realizing for a long time. Me and my boyfriend had a system in place where if I was home alone and I didn’t atleast text him within a certain amount of time, he would come check on me or send someone else to if he was out of town. I didn’t have this fear for a few days, partly because if something were to happen to me, I’d be going wherever he is. My anxieties started again last night, I had my mom come stay with me til 4 in the morning, and she had to sit with me while I showered for the first time in a week in case I pass out, because he used to do that everytime I would shower. I don’t know what it means that my anxieties are back, but it feels like things are just getting worse, even though I know this probably means I’m going through the process. I liked the peacefulness, even though it came from a place of my life having no meaning. This is such a bumpy road.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for all of you. I recall those earliest days too well, they are the hardest. I think I can safely and realistically say better days are ahead though. Hold on. I know it seems impossible, but you can do this. 

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, LMR said:

It's almost five months. The pain just gets worse.

http://nurtureyourjourney.net/blog/2018/8/15/milestones-on-the-grief-journey
Very common in early grief as the shock wears off, support dries up, reality sets in around this time period...

[LMR]

I haven't started crying yet today so that is better than yesterday even though I feel like I am clinging to the edge of a precipice.

Kay, Sometimes when I read your posts I am terrified of the future. I cannot imagine going through this for another 15 years. You are so strong and caring. I truly thank you for being here.

[LMR]

Well that didn't last long, I am now a quivering heap of anguish.

I still feel that he needs my help and its driving me crazy because I cannot think what I can do.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, LMR said:

I cannot imagine going through this for another 15 years.

It was 15 years of one day at a time, and that's how the rest of my life will go too.  I could not take on 15 years or conceive of it!  I couldn't imagine one week without him!  You WILL get through this!  This is the hardest time because it's the day you're in right now.  It's not the past we have a hard time going through, it's not the future because it may or may not arrive, it's today, but we're doing this. 

 

 

[Soulmate8]

Hi I'm new here, iv just lost my husband my soul mate my life my everything 2 months ago, it was so sudden and he was working away so I never got to say goodbye I feel so alone and I can't believe he's not coming back I miss him so much I can't see me getting through the rest of my life without him. 

[LMR]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

It was 15 years of one day at a time, and that's how the rest of my life will go too.  I could not take on 15 years or conceive of it!  I couldn't imagine one week without him!  You WILL get through this!  This is the hardest time because it's the day you're in right now.  It's not the past we have a hard time going through, it's not the future because it may or may not arrive, it's today, but we're doing this. 

 

 

Thankyou for the encouragement. I thought I was managing one day at a time until I wasn't. Right now it's one minute at a time but with the help of all the wonderful people here I will make my way back.

[LMR]

A friend just sent me this:

Behind my smile is a hurting heart,
Behind my laugh I'm falling apart.
I smile and act like everything is okay,
But I just hold back the tears and walk away.

 

[steveb]

7 minutes ago, LMR said:

A friend just sent me this:

Behind my smile is a hurting heart,
Behind my laugh I'm falling apart.
I smile and act like everything is okay,
But I just hold back the tears and walk away.

 

That poem sums it all up. 

[Gail 8588]

5 hours ago, Soulmate8 said:

Hi I'm new here, iv just lost my husband my soul mate my life my everything 2 months ago, it was so sudden and he was working away so I never got to say goodbye I feel so alone and I can't believe he's not coming back I miss him so much I can't see me getting through the rest of my life without him. 

Soulmate8,

I am so sorry for your loss.  The death of a true love is a life shattering experience that everyone here is struggling with. Our stories are unique but our feelings of loss, anger, guilt, confusion, dispair are often similar. 

Come here anytime to vent, question, rage or just read about other's struggles.  There is some comfort in realizing you are not alone. 

None of us chose to be  here, and we are all sorry you have reason to join our tribe. But we will listen, and we understand some of what you are going through, as our lives have been shattered too.  We will provide what help and support we can. 

Gail

 

 

[Soulmate8]

Thank you for your kind words, I hope I can get some reassurance from this group as I can see I'm not alone in my pain, it really is life shattering and I never in a million years thought I would get that dreaded knock on the door it's almost like I still think he's coming home xxxx

8 hours ago, steveb said:

That poem sums it all up. 

This is really how I feel x

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Soulmate8 said:

Hi I'm new here, iv just lost my husband my soul mate my life my everything 2 months ago, it was so sudden and he was working away so I never got to say goodbye I feel so alone and I can't believe he's not coming back I miss him so much I can't see me getting through the rest of my life without him. 

We welcome you with open arms and hope you find comfort knowing you're in a safe place and not alone in your feelings.  We're at different parts of our journey but it seems there's always that bond, knowing what it is to go through this.  We get to know each other on a different level than in other aspects of life.

I hope you'll continue to come here, we're here to listen and hear you and want to be here for you.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Soulmate8]

Kayc thank you, such kind words and xxx