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Devastated, Goldie is gone


Gary55

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I'm devastated, I lost my best pal Goldie on Saturday, he was a 14 yo lab mix who I had for 9 years. No renal function. He was my purpose in life and my whole day. Diagnosed with kidney probs 3 years ago. This became an obsession with me, I wanted to keep him going and we did at least 9 miles every day up till the Thursday. I think I may have deprived him of food he really wants, I feel so bad as it was more or less a special diet for years. I stopped taking him to the vet as it was doom and gloom even though he was still running about. Last week I kinda knew he wasn't right he had a sore mouth so wasn't eating much. But still wanted out a lot. So I kept going with him, even on the Fri he wants on a favourite walk and was slow but OK. Afternoon out again, but night didn't want out, first time ever. Slept but Saturday morning was quite ill, I had thought onthe Fri to get chicken and rice to build him up a bit and get him eating, as I wanted to try something myself to hopefully make him eat. I didn't want to go and hear that he had to be put down. But the Saturday he was clearly now worse. I feel so bad I made him suffer that last morning, I should have taken him the Fri and spared him that. But I thought I knew best. So after all the great days, I'm left knowing i let him down at the end I'm so sad I don't want to go on. 

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I am so sorry.  I understand, I love/d my Arlie with all my heart & soul and it's still so hard to get used to him, such a vibrant soul, being gone from me since 8/16/19.  Cancer, insidious disease!  Then I lost 25 year old Kitty shortly afterwards, 1/6/20.

I don't see it that you let him down, but that you wanted to help him get well.  My Kitty's live & kidneys shut down before I had her euthanized, and I feel bad that she suffered too but we don't know what we don't know and sometimes the realization is a process to sink in.  I prayed throughout Arlie's cancer & Kitty's end that I'd know when it was time, I didn't want to deprive either of them of one day of life if any quality left.  The last night I had Kitty she came to me & sidled up to me on the couch and I pet her & loved on her for an hour...it was rare she did that, but I think she knew and wanted time with me to know how she felt about me.  She'd had a LOT of owners the first half of her life & they all abandoned her...I provided her a forever home.  Arlie was a rescue at just under one year when I got him, had him 10 1/2 years, I called him my soulmate in a dog.

I do hope you'll give this time, it takes much time to process our grief and  adjust to their passing before us.  I do hope you'll watch this video and it brings you some comfort & hope.  It helps to express yourself here where there are others that get it.

 

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Thank you for your reply, I can see you so suffered too. You're right  we don't know what we don't know. That's well put. I wanted him another day to see what I could do as he was still walking on Friday and thought by getting tasty food his appetite would improve. But it was a day too far, as it proved. Its so hard as I thought I had a life but I now see my life was him. He was my reason for going out and a purpose. Thank you for telling me what happened with you, its now I feel alone and the feeling of maybe letting him down is so difficult. Thanks for the video it's lovely 

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I truly  believe we'll be with them again, after all, what kind of a heaven would it be without our animals?  That's what MAKES it!  It gives me reason to push forward, I want to be with my Arlie again, and even see Kitty, this time w/o her baggage, HAPPY!  

Here's a quote I just read a couple of days ago: "Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it." Maya Angelou

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I love that you quote thanks. Pets have to be part of our after lives, I've so much to learn on all this. The thought of being with Goldie again makes me not fear death, it's a natural process. 

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Just an update on where I am now. I've spoken to some of you on other threads but I'll add stuff here. Its been so lovely having others to talk to, things seem empty but not as empty as it could have felt. 

I've done a good lot of reading and I'm on a few Facebook groups. I've read things on the Ralph Site and posted on their fb page. I'm finding Karen Andersons sites and groups good. She has done years of animal Communication so I've joined her Facebook pages and watched some videos of her talking with presenters.

 https://youtu.be/RH5fMun_FEU thought this was good. 

Karens page on fb Animal Communication practice group is good in that you post a pic with details and some people hopefully reply. Whether I'll ever do it myself I don't know. Anyway I've received 4 messages from the people who have connected with Goldie, some mixed but all good to hear, also that I was a good dad and he's happy, but it was his time. One lady told me she hears, and I should be aware of the different energies and waves and that he would send signs. 

I've had a session with a Counsellor online which was good. And one tomorrow. Im trying to cope, however if my mind stops reading I break down again. Not been able to face anyone outside yet, I've not seen anyone who I used to see when out with Goldie. Went in town yesterday to get a few things, spoke to no one, and took Goldie with me, as I've been told he's with me. Could really do without Xmas. 

 

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Hoping each of you has a nice a day as possible, it's Xmas morning here, but it's just not Christmas. Collette, I've answered you on another post. Just a few thoughts for today. I've my wife son and daughter here, but I feel alone. I would have had Goldie out once by now, around 3.5 miles would be usual. I'd be out again before we had Xmas dinner, a few miles. I miss the interaction with dog walkers in general, today would be nice wishing people and their dogs a happy Xmas. I remember last year. Although I've people herethey have their own thoughts. I had a session again with a Counsellor on Thursday. She's lovely and I asked again about my thoughts that would be go round and round. I'm so worried I was on my phone a lot when out and I'm convinced I was not paying as much attention to him as I should. I don't know I'll never know. In some ways we were always out, so maybe it's normal. The lady is thinking I need to walk more, even with headphones. Don't know if I can yet. We used to do nearly 30000 steps, now I'm less than 1000. I got Goldies ashes yesterday. It was so sad. They lady in the vet was lovely and sat with me for about 15 minutes. He is in a pebble. He came to me in a dream last night, I was talking to a lady, don't know who it was. Goldie was off the lead, then he wanderers over a road. I went after him. This time he looked about the same age as now. A bus was coming, but he was over the road and before it got there. Then I put him on the lead. Just before waking, I heard him bark once. It was an I want out bark. He only barked when he wanted out. It was so clear. I'm happy I heard him. Funny thing, once we stayed in another town, a bus had stopped and was leaving a stop and he ran out in front and it hit him he slipped his collar . He was totally OK! Today is going to be hard, my wife is cooking, I can't, id just have a sandwich or a pot noodle. My mind is so full of stuff, but this thing about not paying attention to him is a focus now. I know lots of times I did pay attention and even talk to him, I suppose I often did do that, but the mind is strange. Thanks all for reading. 

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Gary, when Arlie passed, my neighbor asked if I'd like to walk their new-to-them Chow (Joe), same age as Arlie.  I did, and although he didn't have much personality, couldn't hear or see and was arthritic, I walked him every day.  He bit me but no damage, but ten months later he bit me again, HARD, I have permanent bone damage from it as well as my usual carpal tunnel and arthritis I got him on CBD oil with their permission, which I provided), add to it damage from the dermatologist from taking a core sample aggressively when a scrape would have done (spot was benign), my left hand continues in pain...I had the right hand operated on 6 1/2 weeks ago and it's not getting any better, so am rethinking doing the left one.  Needless to say, it ended my walking Joe and now I'm broken hearted over him, I miss our times together, I love him, I really do.  He's mellow and sweet but I'd advise a gentler dog like Golden Retriever or Lab.  Anyway, you might look into doing that for a neighbor that can't get out and do it themselves.  Turns out, Joe bit everyone in their family, they didn't disclose that until later...oh, and he didn't have shots like they said he did.  So ask to see rabies shot info first!  It was helpful walking him as I need to walk for my health, but going out alone was a huge reminder of Arlie being gone.

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Kay, that's awful you have permanent bone damage along with other conditions. In the few short times I've been out the fact of being alone really hits. Me and him were a double act, Morecambe and Wise, can't think of an American equivalent right now!, I mostly together and the only one I need with me. I'll see how it goes. Not sure how things are where you are, but from tomorrow we are facing a lockdown till march. The last big lockdown here was march till June, but I walked him as far as ever and all over. I'll not have him this time. This will be hard. 

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Restaurants, bars, gyms closed, restriction, can do drive through but lines are sometimes an hour long so I don't.  Stores 50% capacity, churches 25% capacity.  Not slated to change in the foreseeable future.  Lots of businesses couldn't make it.  Not supposed to have more than six and only from two households.  A lot ignoring it.  COVID rose after Thanksgiving, it probably will even more after Christmas.

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Hello @Gary55 just wanted to give you my condolences for your Goldie. Sounds like you were a wonderful pair especially out on your walks. I know your heartbreak. I lost my cat very tragically 3 years ago. I've come to a place of peace with it now but I was truly heartbroken. Our cat was like our child. 

I came here daily to write as I struggled with so many emotions; overwhelming grief, anger, sadness, fear, and regret... in a constant state of one or other. I am glad you are active and seeking a lot of comfort from people who understand. I wish more people did that instead of suffering alone.  

It's so hard (for dogs more than cats I imagine) losing the routine. The walks outside, the treats, the feeding time. All of it. They are so deeply a part of our lives, entwined in every piece of a day. When they are suddenly gone it is a shock.

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@AJWCatthanks so much for you nice words. You're right, pets become so much of our lives. I suppose each relationship is different its own way, but they are there throughout everything in life. Yes, I miss the long walks, hours every day. It's difficult to know how to fill the time. Thank you. 

 

 

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Collettesweetbear

Oh, Gary I just saw this and read your story losing Goldie. I don’t know how I missed it. Let’s blame me having the horrible Covid. I’m so so sorry Gary to hear about Goldie. My heart hurts for you. Goldie was really special to you and he loved you back the same. I’m so sorry Christmas was hard. Me too. Even in the worst of my Covid days, it still wasn’t near me losing Scooter. Scooter’s been gone almost a year now and still feels like yesterday. I bust out crying at least once a day. Which for the first 6 months it was constantly. The suffering pain I have still I carry. I’ve learned it’s clear now that I will never get over the grief of Scooter. I am forever changed the moment she past. For me, I think I will just have to learn to live with it. I still go to sleep thinking about her and wake up thinking about her first thing. Realizing every morning she’s gone and I cry. She was my companion, soul mate, my baby. My son lives in another state so, I can’t see him for a hug and cry, I lost my Scooter. She listened to me everyday and I talked and loved on her everyday for 17 years. I can’t seem to get to the good stuff, the wonderful years of happiness she gave me because of my guilt. I blame myself and will forever I guess. I can’t seem to be able to walk out the door and get another pet. I need another pet to help with my life long depression. She was a real comfort for that. So, my therapist wants me to get another to help with the loneliness but, I try to and make a u-turn right back. I don’t know why, I just feel even more pain for Scooter when I try. This is the first Christmas without her so, it was awful. Plus you know I have the Covid, so I was really sick on Christmas and the combo of the two, wait, combo of the three. My depression, Covid and losing Scooter was almost more then I could bare. I understand how your heart hurts for Goldie. He sounds so special. I guess we just go through time and that’s it. I just go one day at a time. I don’t know if I can go through this again with a new one. Losing Scooter almost did me in. Gary, I’m thinking about you and lots of prayers.


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Thank you so much for your message. I thought what you say about losing Scooter is worse than covid quite telling. Is emotional pain and anguish worse than physical pain and other symptoms, well I'd say it is. Depression is not nice, I went through that at one point. But if you live with that, I'm sorry. With death it's the void, recurrent thoughts and mental torture. I'm not having a good day, really can't stop thinking of Goldie and cried lots. I won't be able to get another dog, I pretty much know that. He was my soul dog I felt. So I can see how you feel although your therapist wants you to. Strange how one minute I'm full of joy, well my version of it, then I'm in total despair. I know it's because I love him, but that's how it is. I have a couple of beers at night, not much, it sort of puts a barrier up for a couple hours. At the moment I can't see much of a way forward, I've got family but they do their own thing mostly. I've lost more than I thought. Please take care, get that cough better, and the taste and smell will follow. 

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5 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

So, my therapist wants me to get another to help with the loneliness but, I try to and make a u-turn right back. I don’t know why, I just feel even more pain for Scooter when I try

Maybe you're not ready yet, but then again, maybe if you pushed through, it'd help...it did for me.  

Collette, I hope you're improving by the day and not getting worse.  Sending up prayers!  I agree, emotional pain is the worst nightmare.

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I chime in on this issue a lot. There is no replacing who we lost. Just like any person - our pets are not "replaceable."

But life for me needs to include a cat. (Luckily I've turned my husband into a cat person even though he wishes we could run off somewhere for a month. But we won't be doing that anytime soon anyway!) 

That said, I am terrified of losing her. She's still very young, about 5 now I believe. I do not want to go through what I did. My heart sometimes literally felt like it was cracking into two pieces. Whoever came up with the term heartbreak was right on.

But I will suffer in the future in order to have a companion now. I did it before. I will do it again. A glutton for punishment as they say. But everyone needs to take their own time. I would never push anyone to just get a "new" cat or dog. Having this cat definitely helped me. But she couldn't just wipe away my grief either.  

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Collettesweetbear

Thank you guys. I really appreciate your words of comfort. I’m in the “why” mode right now. I know I need to get out of the why mode quickly. My big why is, I was given the gift of Scooter with all the love and kisses, her sleeping on my chest for 17 years...I do have the major depression Gary..I lost my dad from depression and his brother and my cousin. So, I have that genetic type. I was only 14 with my dads suicide. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the resources back then like today. Losing my uncle and his son was so devastating. And, I think now that I look back I was about 9 years old when I asked my mom if I could stay home from school because I was sick. I didn’t have a stomach ache or the flu or even a cold but, I felt really bad and paralyzed. Thank goodness she said yes. I remember I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling for hours feeling soooo sick. Now I know it was the first time it must have been the depression hit me. I’ve been going to same therapist and psychiatrist for 27 years now. The therapist to help me and the psychiatrist to give me the medication. You have to have both here. I wish my dad had help and there was help back then but, not as accepted as now. So, I battle the grip of depression locked on hard losing Scooter. Sometimes in the beginning stages of her dying I had that feeling of not seeing any joy again without her. But, the difference is when my dad died, his suffering ended, and ours began. All I have to do is think about my son and I fight through the pain. I know the horrible life long pain of losing a parent to that. I would never ever want my son to deal with that pain. So, I’ll take the bullet you know. I do fight and reach out for help as you can see how long I’ve been going. But, in all that I got Scooter and she gave me joy and happiness and love that really made the difference. Well, as good as it could get for me. Sometimes when I cry Gary I just wail in the pillow for her. Still now. So, back full circle and I have asked KayC and AJWCat this why question tons of times. Why did I have this beautiful baby cat that came into my life and gave me more everything then any one or anything, that came with this ending of loss and devastation that comes with the deal? The why of the most love to the end of the worst despair? Full disclosure guys, as bad as it was back then for my poor mother and my poor sisters, including my dads parents who lost a child to that, there are no words, then not long after loses another son and grandson same way. Different means, same outcome. But, my anguish now, losing my baby, my little precious baby that was all mine....is just about worse. I know a lot of people would think that’s ridiculous but, I feel what I feel. Why do those 2 things go with the deal? How will I ever be able to get another baby kitten now fully knowing the finish line? Thank you all for the lovely support. You guys are angels to me.


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@Collettesweetbearmy depression was mild, well it wasn't nice, but thinking back around 15 years it didn't last long. Nothing like as you say a genetic depression. I never worked again after that, until I kinda needed to around 2 years ago. I got a job around then in a supermarket. I lasted 9 months, I knew Goldie was miserable, and I gave it up as I could not stop thinking of him. He got taken out by the family but it wasn't enough. Anyway I left and we continued walking. I shouldn't have take the job as I missed time with him. Anyway we had 15 months together after. You were young when you first had it, and with all that's happened it is awful. Scooter brought you so much happiness. To lose the happiness is not fair. Especially in your case with what's gone before. The more you live the more you grieve, I can see that. Seems not right. But I suppose its obvious. We know what we feel, people can't compare grief, I know how I feel too. It's worse than when my mum or dad died I know that. I hope I don't fall into depression, but how would I know the difference, I don't know. Getting another pet is the last thing just now. And going through it again. Balance that against the love, its so difficult. Ill not get that special bond again, that was a one off im sure. @AJWCatIm happy that you have another wee soul to love. I can see that you need a cat, and the love, and you are aware of how you can get to feel. Funnily enough I've said before I'm not really a dog person. I do like dogs, but id not have gone looking, Goldie came our way and things went from there. In the end I loved him more than I'd ever imagined.

Collette I hope your cough is a little better today. Thinking of you all

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21 hours ago, AJWCat said:

There is no replacing who we lost. Just like any person - our pets are not "replaceable."

But life for me needs to include a cat.

Amen to all of that!  I still grieve Arlie, I still feel the same way about him and miss and mourn him.  His beautiful smile, his sweet spirit, his goofy personality, everything about him!  He was so good.

I enjoy Kodie for who he is, always near me, constant companion, sweet and lovable.  He is not Arlie, I love him for who HE is, even while I miss Arlie.  I am very thankful for his companionship esp. this year of isolation.  I might have gone stark raving mad if not for him.

Collette, I join with Gary in wishing your cough better...

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Collettesweetbear

That’s it AJWCat! “Shock” I still feel in a state of shock. Scooter was my only pet I’ve ever had so, I knew that one day she would leave me but, I had no clue it was this!!! None...not even close! I think Gary and I are in that can’t go through this again. Which in my case you guys know my therapist wants me too, to help the obsession I have with Scooter. KayC has Kodie and she loves him but, doesn’t change her love and deep sorrow for her Arlie. AJWCat has another cat/cats and she is just as sad for losing her soulmate. But, it does seem to help. Painful in the beginning because you just think about Arlie and AJWCat she lost. I wish I could be walking to my car and a little kitten comes walking towards me and I know that’s a sign here is my new friend. For starters.


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Collettesweetbear

Well, I just hung up with my mom. You guys remember one of my really good friends for years. I told you guys the ending but, here’s the beginning. She wanted to go out to an outside restaurant/patio style drink beer and have fun. I said, “I really can’t right now, I’m hurting and I just can’t function.” My eyes were swollen with tears. Well, she wasn’t taking no for an answer. She kept on and I said, “look I am grieving the loss of my best friend, my little baby soulmate and I can’t function so, no thank you right now. She responded “for the love of God she was just a cat!” “You’re acting like your kid died for crying out loud” I said back “she was my kid!!!!” I told her right at that moment “friendship over” I said “for you to say that to my face, knowing how much I loved Scooter...I consider that not a good person and I’m not surrounding myself that are thoughtless this bad” ok, so she starts back peddling and said, oh, come on you’re going to just walk away never to speak to me again? And, then again to add insult to injury she again says, “come on you know I’m just joking, but, she is just a cat” I’ve never spoken to her again. Blocked her number the works. Well, back to the beginning, my mom said to me something pretty similar. “She had a good life and 17 years old, that’s plenty good enough” [emoji15]


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Oh Collette no wonder you blocked her, how insensitive, then to say I'm joking makes it worse. No understanding at all. And you mum with the had a good life thing, absolutely not getting it at all. Read yesterday an article that a pet can take over the part of the brain that a child can, its a word starting with oxy, can't remember the word. So it is just the same. You're better without these kind of friends as they are probably needy in the sense that it's all them. I've had that. Today I'm feeling that it's not right to try to move on. I can do without the new year stuff, even though things are different this year with covid. Hope another day has seen you a little better with the cough x

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Collettesweetbear

Hi Gary, thank you for the nice message and supporting words. You know as I was reading your message, this wasn’t the first time. Several years ago, like maybe around 5 years ago we were all sitting in the cafe at work. There were about 7, 8 people sitting around the table. Now I know them all because I work with them. I had to eat quick and leave to go pick Scooter up from the hospital, she had gastric problems and lots of inflammation in her tummy. Took her back and forth a couple times before it was sorted out. As I am getting up to leave the table “my good friend” say’s “lunch isn’t over, what’s the big rush, you can pick her up at anytime” then.... (true story) she says out loud as I’m walking out “your pet is always sick with something, you need to put her down” . Pretty bad right. I turned around and looked at her [emoji2955] she immediately said “oh, come on I was just joking” see she had said that years ago and I turned and left. As I was driving to get Scooter...I thought ok, I’m aware of the fact that she has expressed many times how she doesn’t like animals. She thinks they are “dumb and gross” having to pick you know what after them and she states she would never do that. I mean true it’s our least favorite thing but, we don’t think twice because they are our kids and that goes with taking care of your kids. So, I was very upset with her, but I told myself she doesn’t like dogs and cats so, I let it slide. She really never mentioned Scooter again but, just about everyone in the group has a dog or cat and you know we are animal lovers so, that was usually the conversation, everyone getting in what their dog or cat was doing next. Like funnies. We would laugh and it was so fun. Once the conversation’s started talking about what molly did this morning....Oph, she would get up and leave rolling her eyes. So, I guess I’m saying the red flags were always there but “she was just joking” that is a terrible excuse. Apart from that she never said anything about Scooter again for years. But, the moment my baby died a Hugh part of me died too. Still does. You know talk about a inconsiderate person. If you don’t like pets, fine keep it to yourself. We would never even imagine saying that to someone. First of all it wouldn’t enter our minds and second it’s cruel. I can’t have a friend like that in my life. How could someone not like animals, I can’t relate. I’ll end this on a positive note. My son has 2 cats and he just brought a dog home and named him Scout. He’s still a young puppy so, he tries to play with the cats. Piper loves it and lets Scout chase her. But, Pouncer isn’t extra thrilled right now but, my son said he caught him playing a little with Scout. Isn’t that sweet. He sends me videos, they are so cute and funny. Well, it’s 4:30 am. I have insomnia pretty bad. Plus the coughing that has clearly pitched a tent. Hope you all are doing ok. You’re all in my thoughts and prayers, always.


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Collettesweetbear

Really missing Baby Scooter right now. I just feel like I want to run away. I wish I could go see my family in Hawaii. I miss them.


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When I read your message saying its 0430,well it was 1030 here, so I'm 6 hours ahead. So still night where you are. That person seems a right piece of work. I've always said if a person doesn't like or can't be nice to animals well they are not nice and not worth knowing. If people have pets the conversations are usually about pets. It's how it is. You worry about them constantly. She was not happy as she had nothing to say and it wasn't about her. Times like these you really do find out too. I've not spoken to my sister since I told her Goldie had passed. She's my only sister. She's never had pets, and was kinda dismissive. She's near london I'm in scotland so I hardly see her but after this I'm decided I'm not making the effort again. When I was out with Goldie the conversation is 95 pc pets, you get used to that. That's good your son sends you videos, seems like they all might get along. That's good and it will at least be good to watch them playing. Shame you can't get to Hawaii just now. We kinda know what would help us even a little. At the minute I'm kinda feeling like I'm in a trap. Holidays covid lockdown the days of walking over fields with him seem a long time ago. Hope you're day gets better. 

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23 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

I wish I could be walking to my car and a little kitten comes walking towards me and I know that’s a sign here is my new friend.

Maybe something like that will happen, take the guesswork out.  I had thought I would not get another dog after losing Arlie, the rescues didn't pan out, neither did borrowing my neighbor's dog to walk.  If not for my son finding this one for me, I don't know how I'd have gotten through this year, it was very hard being so isolated as it is, but this little guy is so endearing you can't resist him.

13 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

“She had a good life and 17 years old, that’s plenty good enough”

If she'd have lived to 50, it never would be enough!  At least that's how I felt with Arlie.  With Kitty it was different, she was 25, had lost half her body weight, kidneys & liver had shut down, she couldn't eat, thyroid not functioning, she'd suffered enough, I needed to let her go.  With Arlie, he could have lived years more if not for the damned cancer.  And that hie had to suffer so bad, it was so wrong.  I felt Kitty got her peace at last.  Arlie didn't even get to DIE in peace!  They botched even that!  They under-anesthetized him, I can never forgive/forget that.  Seeing the sheer agony on his face just before he died will stay with me.  It's not what I wanted for my best friend.  And for the record, they ARE our kids!  And everything else!  I too lost a friend when Arlie was suffering.  He wanted me to drive Arlie two hours away every week to get a vitamin shot, said it'd "cure" him!  The hell it would!  All it'd do is put him through more agony.  Then he later demanded to know what I was going to do about Arlie!  Raised his voice at me!  His arrogance!  How dare he assume he knew better how to deal with my Arlie than I did!  Arlie was EVERYTHING to me!  I hung up on him.  He never forgave me, he never once considered HIS part in this, how it came across to me, how wrong it was, even though I later tried to tell him.  He's used every chance to HAMMER me!  45 years of "friendship" down the drain in one second.  But no way could I take his bullying.  And I'm not taking it now either, I see no way back from this as he's chosen to "make me grovel" to him, the Hell!  Not happening, not now, not ever.  I think he owes ME an apology but I also know him well enough to know he'll never realize it.  If he could just let it go, but he can't/won't.  I guess it's why he's so alone and w/o friends.  Not a good time for it at his stage of life (he's 78).  I've overlooked a lot over the years, I finally decided it wan't in my best interest to.

Friendship: Why I Not Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me
Friends, letdown
Friends who Stop Being Good Friends

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I didn't sleep much last night, was up when you were, likely, but didn't get on the computer as I tried and tried to go to sleep, nope, it wasn't happening.  Going to drag today.  I do hope you're seeing improvement Collette.

I'm with you, I could not excuse someone being so insensitive and then trying to blame it on joking.  It's not a joke, if it were, that'd be even worse.  

Wish you could go to Hawaii!  Maybe you can once all this is over.

Gary, I'm sorry your sister was like that.  I'm surprised she hasn't contacted YOU!   Wow.  We sure get some doozies, don't we?!

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A lot of people don't get it. Or maybe they just are not made like we are. But you'd like to think people could have more compassion and empathy. That's why I came here to share how bad I felt without judgement. 

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@KayCwow that is some friend, no wonder he's not any friends left. 45 years lost, but there is sometimes only so much we can take. My sis doesn't get pets. She's never had any. She's not the type, no way would she tramp all over muddy fields in the rain like I did. In fact no way she would go over to a local park in the sunshine. I shouldn't have called her, as I was upset, I should just have sent a text. Don't know what I expected.

@AJWCatpeople don't get it I know that. I've always been the emotional type which doesn't help me but some people just just get their size 12 boots right in or at least that's how it seems to me. 

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Collettesweetbear

Thank you KayC, AJWCat and Gary. You guys just supported me exactly as I thought. What’s the ole saying “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything” KayC, I’m really sorry you lost a 45 year friendship. It’s sad and awful. But, life is way too short for us to have hurtful words said. I would rather be alone, then anyone talk bad to me about Scooter. I can’t stand the fact this man raised his voice to you KayC. You don’t even speak to him anymore without him apologizing and changing his attitude. You’re so loving and kind and it really warms my heart when you talk about Arlie. What a precious boy. And, you know Arlie must have felt pretty darn good that he had you as his mommy. Just think about how much Arlie knew you loved him. Boy, was he happy. You know Arlie and Goldie and all of our’s were pretty happy they locked eyes and hearts with us. We always say how much we miss them and we loved/love them which is true and all the rest of it, but don’t you know if they could talk they would be telling us everyday how much they loved their lives with us. It’s really true. My sister tells me “Collette you have so much love for animals, why not give all that wonderfulness to another animal that will love their life too?” I know she’s right. I can’t let my love go to waste. Of course I want to give another pet love and kisses and never hear a raised voice ever. Scooter never heard a raised voice so, she never looked scared or fear. Animals deserve that. No raised voice and just love and kisses and playing. I’m going to think about this a lot today. I’m going to call my “mum” as Gary says (that sounds so sweet) and talk to her. I’m going to say nicely, please don’t ever talk negative about Scooter again. I love you but, it causes me great pain to hear anything negative about the sweet girl that meant everything to me then life itself. Let’s see how that turns out. I’ll let you know. Love you guys and know I’m thinking about you and our soulmates. You’re in my prayers. [emoji3590]


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I've been thinking Collette what you said about they would tellus they were happy and loved us. In my case I think he was happy, pets become accustomed to daily life I suppose, so I'm hoping he was happy. And I hope he knew I loved him, it's one of these things, we wonder did I do enough, could I do more. Sometimes I suppose I didn't do enough for him, or walk him where he wants, but other times I suppose I did. All the ifs. Your a kind loving person that's clear. People need to try and understand where we are at, as you say you loved Scooter more than life itself, that's a lot, it's who you are. I'm up during the night, can't sleep properly, too much on my mind. I'll  try and get to sleep for a while again soon. 

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18 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

I’m going to call my “mum” as Gary says (that sounds so sweet) and talk to her. I’m going to say nicely, please don’t ever talk negative about Scooter again. I love you but, it causes me great pain to hear anything negative about the sweet girl that meant everything to me then life itself.

Do let us know.  Wishing you well with that.

You brought me a smile as I thought back to the day I got Arlie.  I saw Arlie's picture in the paper of his big smile, it won my heart.  I called and told them I wanted him and would come get him as soon as I got off work.  When I got there, they said he was going to someone else.  Never mind they were supposed to hold him for ME!  They asked if I wanted to meet him.  I thought, sure, I just drove 1/2 hour over here, might as well.  He was in competition for my attention.  There was a pit across from him also vying for my attention, named Usher, also a big smile.  They were both doing their level best, "Pick ME!  Pick ME!!!"  I walked Arlie.  He had nothing to play with, was in an empty cage with spilled water and some bad-for-him food.  I suppose they never even noticed he had kennel cough and diarrhea (the Colitis).  When I was leaving I told them to let me know if the other people fell through.  They said they were going to get them by 5.  I said it's 5:30, now!  They stupidly said, "Do you want us to call them?"  Well yeah, DUH!!  They'd changed their minds, hadn't bothered to call.  I said, "I'll take him now."  They said, "Do you want to get him tomorrow?"  (Man, these people are SLOW!!!)  What so you can give him to someone else again?  I don't THINK so!  "I'll take him NOW, thank you!!"  Don't think that made them happy to have to do the paperwork then (I'd already filled out adoption papers).  But I took him home in my new car...not knowing he wasn't housebroken and had never been inside a car.  They'd told me he was age 2-7 so I'd assumed he would be.  The next day I took him to the vet, he said he wasn't quite a year old.  Judging from his house manners he'd never been inside a house before.  But he was a quick learner and housebroke himself within two weeks.  He chewed up everything in sight that first year.  But he was more than worth everything, he was the best dog I'd ever have.  Little did I know back then, I'd just gotten the perfect dog, the one who stole my heart and soul.  

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Collettesweetbear

Oh, KayC that’s a beautiful story. Well, minus the idiot’s that said come get Arlie and gave him to other people and then they might have done it twice!!!! You knew in your heart Arlie was your’s and I love how you said “I’ll take him NOW!” Don’t you know Arlie was thinking “Oh, thank goodness” little did he know fate just stepped in. Arlie was supposed to be yours from the beginning. Poor little guy hadn’t had any training or support. And, he learned quick too. What a smart doggie! Happy New Year everyone. Wishing 2021 brings us some peace.


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Ok, I was just cleaning and picked up the table cloth on one of the end tables. Scooter use to go under and sleep on her bed under there. I just pulled out her bed and out came her pink blankey and her little toys. My hopeful happy day turn to sorrow in a snap of the finger. I just sat there holding her pink blankey she slept with every night. It still had her white fur on it. I just blurted out crying. This has happened before when her soccer ball came rolling out from under the bed. You guys I sat there for an hour holding her baby blanket bawling my eyes out. Sometimes I just don’t think I can make it. I can’t make it. She was my whole life. I’m broken hearted and I think I’m gonna have a breakdown knowing I’ll never see her again. Until I die I mean. But, I could live until I’m 90 who knows. I want her back so bad guys. I’m a shell of my former self. I’ll never be happy again. I can’t stand the pain. I want her back, I want my baby back.


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Wootles567

Gary, you didn’t let Goldie down at all. It sounds like you were a good and loving poppy, who has given her a wonderful life and done everything he could for her.

I am so sorry for your loss. We had to put down our beloved spoodle 4 days ago and I am struggling, so I know a bit of the pain  you are going through. He was the rock that made the world make sense. He got sick very quickly, and had to be put down within 24 hours. I had only taken him in because he had been somewhat constipated for about a week (able to run around and play ball, loving, jumping up to greet us). I had tried changing his diet, but he was not hungry and could not seem to poo at all, so I took him to the vet. They performed xrays and showed me that he had a tumour growing on his spine, which could not be operated on. As he was unable to poo or eat, we hadn’t to put him down. I am still in shock as it just seemed to happen so suddenly.

The house seems surreal without him.

I cant eat and my legs feel like rubber. I got lost walking to my boyfriends house yesterday, even though it’s only up the road. Do any of you feel disoriented, and have a feeling of dread in your stomach when grieving for pets?

Anyway, I hope that you are ok, and can take comfort from those around you. I have no doubt you were a good, loving and kind poppy to your Goldie, and that she loves you very much.

 

cCheers,

friend

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@Wootles567thank you for your lovely words. It's all so hard to process. Deep down I suppose I was a good dad, but I can't stop thinking I could have been better. Everyone knew me and Goldie when we were out, you meet so many people all the time. I'm sorry to read about your loss, that is so so sudden. I can totally relate when you say Spooey was your rock, I'm the same. To have that happen in so short a time is so sad. Life seems so unfair, to be still running about to not be being there doesn't seem right. I would have done that, tried changing diet, and hoped that would work. I'm so sorry. The emotions of this are awful. I've cried every day for 3 weeks. I'm reading lots of posts on fb groups about pet loss, I've read Karen Andersons book the amazing  afterlife of animals and and others too. I'm eating bits, I'm not cooking as such just ready meals. I've hardly been out I can't face it. It's lovely to talk with you, I feel this forum has given me so much support.

@Collettesweetbearit's so sad, I'm now finding little reminders when I'm feeling a bit settled in my mind and off I go again too. When I say settled it's really just a neutral feeling, of not wanting to be here just not crying. Then it starts again. When you saw the blanket I just know the feelings you had. All the memories come back, it's things we take for granted when they are there like the toys and blankets. I'm not throwing out toys or  blankets or his harness, it's so sad. I've been over things again and again. I'm feeling so guilty at the moment over the last vet trip. I don't have a lot of a car so I'd to get a taxi, it's not that far but Goldie was in the very back in a wheelchair space as he wouldn't be able to get on the back seat. I was in the the back holding him by the harness from the back seat he was obviously in pain then we had to get him out into the vet. That last journey is awful, to think all the good times came down to a terrible last journey is devastating. Its not what I would have done but its how it happened. Like you I know we need to carry on but, all I want to do is turn the clock back.

Is the cough any better today, I hope so Collette. 

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I didn't throw out Arlie's toys either, although I gave a couple of bigger ones to Bruno, my son's dog.  I buried him with his favorite, a stuffed duck with a squeaker, his first toy and the only one he didn't chew up as a puppy.  His collar and leash hang by the door.  His coat is still on my chair and I hold it like I would hold him.  I miss him so much.

Collette, I hope you give another a chance someday, they'll never replace Scooter, no possibility of that, but it will give you someone to hold, having Kodie has been very good for me this year, I hate to think what I'd do without him.  He does NOT replace Arlie, no one could ever do that!  What he has done is patiently worm his way into my life in a way I'd never dream possible, undaunted by my grief, showering me with puppy cuteness and antics and little by little stealing my heart as only he could do.  He had a tall order cut out for him!  Following Arlie was a tough act!  But I'm glad I'm not alone and Kodie is very intuitive of me, when I''m sad he is there loving on me.

I hope and pray your COVID continues to improve and this NY brings you renewed hope and health. :wub:

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@KayCyou are blessed that you have Kodie. He's obviously so so good for you right now. Isn't it great how he's managed to get right into your life in his own way that is so lovely. I can't see me throwing out Goldies on things, his leads are hanging, doggie bags, coat, why throw them out. I'm taking things minute by minute, not even day to day.

Can I share something with you all. I'm a couple fb groups for Pet Loss, anyway I got a message saying your boy doesn't want you to be alone. That there was another 4 legged soul looking for me and I should   respond when he reaches out. I'm wondering about this. Anyway what will be will be I suppose 

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Collettesweetbear

Wootles567, I’m so sorry to hear about Spoodle. What a lovely unique name. You poor thing losing Spoodle that fast 24 hours. You are probably still in shock. I can’t imagine how you feel. I think Scooter 3 remaining months was fast and it’s been almost a year now and sometimes it seems so fresh like yesterday even. Please know you can find comfort and support here. We have a Hugh thing in common, all of us. The awful pain of losing our babies. My therapist has told me without her mentioning names of course for privacy reasons, but she has some patients that have lost their human child and patients that have lost their most dearest companion (KayC lost her soulmate husband [emoji20]) which so she has a double whammy 2 lost soulmates. Thank goodness Kodie is there for her. Her husband and Arlie were the most important things in her life. So, of course 2 soulmates, she hangs on and she is really brave but, that pain is never gone. I love it when she tells a funny little story about Arlie. It lets us get to know KayC and Arlie together and see their relationship together. I feel like Arlie’s auntie at this point. Arlie has the biggest sweetest smile I’ve ever seen. Gary too. Gary tells us how he would walk and walk with Goldie and Goldie just loved it. I know KayC taking Arlie for walks and being happy with a mom and her doggie son walking together. Gary being a wonderful dad to Goldie. It’s very emotional but, Wootles567 it sure does help. This is a safe place for us to express our loss and joy we had with our fur baby kids. For myself, I wouldn’t be able to function but, the genuine, caring and support really helps. I’ll miss my Scooter forever. I slept with her baby blanket last night and cried myself to sleep holding her blankey. You can tell us all about Spoodle if you feel like it. No pressure here. But, we are here for you. [emoji3590] Collette.
Oh, KayC and Gary, yes I spoke with mom and she was very apologetic and said she will only say kind things about Scooter. Apart from that, the cough with the Covid is relentless. Doctor told me it seems to hang around for a long time , which is a very common complaint with Covid. I lost my taste and smell included. I’m praying once the cough stops my taste and smell comes back. Some people do and some don’t. Covid is a very strange thing. Hope they keep on sending out the vaccines. There are 3 providers of the vaccine. They all are now 90 plus percent affective. I’m going to take the first one offered. They think this vaccine will cover you 6 months to a year and then you keep getting it with your annual flu shot. Do we still need to wear the mask and 6 feet distance even though we got the vaccine.? Short answer “Yes” until the numbers get really low come this next summer. Even though protected by the vaccine you can still carry some and give to others. Even though I have Covid (I want to say I had, I’m still dealing with the symptoms and can’t be around anyone) but, you guys I gotta tell you...there were a couple of days my fever was so high I wanted to give up, it’s that bad. Thank goodness it didn’t go to my lungs because then pneumonia which is too difficult to fight your own then possibly come the your on the incubator? No, that’s not the name, I can’t remember the name, ventilator? Anyway, why some get mild case, some like me get extremely sick and some people just don’t make it. It’s so individual. So, far they haven’t had long enough to test children but, they are working on it now. So, sorry guys no more lecture. I just want to provide you with the info and then it’s up to you. And, in case no one has told you guys today, I’m sending lots of love and support and prayers.


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Collettesweetbear

Oh, P.S. just want to mention that KayC is the one that has said a number of times “this is a safe place” I quoted her words.
Rest easy. Collette [emoji3590]


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Wootles567

Hello Collette, Gary, KayC, DKN, and others. I'm sorry, I don't quite know how to reply to individual posts yet. Bit of a luddite! I have been reading your posts all night and it is the first genuine smile I have had in days. I have loved hearing about your memories of Goldie, Arlie, Daisy, Kodie, Scooter and other furry soulmates, and seeing the pix! Please forgive me if I get names mixed up, I am still processing (day five for me). 

Collette, thankyou so much for your kind words and welcome. Arlie was very blessed to have such a warm and caring mum (do you think of yourself as 'mum'? I was Spooey's 'nan', and my daughter Lily was Spooey's mum). I am so so sorry to hear that your mum was not as understanding as she could have been. And I am wishing you a speedy recovery with COVID - stay safe, keep your strength up. It sounds like you might be a little isolated (?) but I hope you have folks around who can bring you cups of chocolate and give you a foot massage. Do you also have another furry love who can administer helpful face-licks? It is the very best medicine. It's great that you will get the vaccine soon. I am in Canberra (Australia), and so far we have been pretty lucky regarding outbreaks, although it is very worrying.

It's those little reminders that hit like a punch in the face, isn't it, like finding Arlie's baby blanket. I also have a border-collie (Aiko), who is nearly a year old, and yesterday when we went to the park for ball, I broke down in the middle of the oval, because Aiki couldn't find the ball. Spooey was tenacious with ball, and would never have been able to lose one in a game of fetch. Ball was his absolutely FAVOURITE thing in the world. He would become absolutely alert, mouth slightly ajar when I said the word, knowing we were off to the park, then dance around in excitement, woofing and jumping on me as we ran out the door. Next to running for it, he LOVED finding it when I had thrown it somewhere he wasn't anticipating, and he would run to and fro in circles, snuffing the ground and picking up the scent. So it just floored me at the park yesterday when Aiki came back and couldnt find ball. 

Aiki is struggling too. She stays with me constantly, wherever I go and sleeps curled up with me, although she technically belongs to my other daughter (Marigold). While Spooey was sometimes a little grumpy with her puppyish enthusiasm, they were friends, and she was happy to take her lead from him. Because Spooey died at home, Aiki was able to come out after and sniff him so that she could perhaps understand what had happened. It was confusing for her, and some of her sparkle has been damped. While I feel completely zapped, I have been trying to take her out and make sure she gets lots of attention. So I have been trying to organise some playdates with other dogs with her. My sister is very much a dog person and has an afghan hound (Nymeria), who we visited yesterday. Aiki is usually very guarded around other dogs, but the playdate went well. There is also a kelpie up the road from me that we see every day on walks, and for the last four days Aiki has been going up to the gate to sniff him. She has had a few confused barks at him, but he is a dear respectful fellow and has patiently allowed her to poke her snout through the gate. I popped a note in the letterbox, asking politely if it might be possible for Aiki to have a playdate. Hope they get in touch.

Thankyou for allowing me this space, it has been really cathartic. I have been making a list of my memories of Spooey because I am terrified of forgetting. I hate the thought of 'letting go', 'moving on' etc. But I want this awful listless feeling of dread to go away so I can function for my girls and Aiki. I keep thinking I should get another spoodle, because of the loneliness, and for Aiki. Which seems so faithless. Would you guys recommend getting a new pet after loss? I never got a dog, because I was ****-scared of this day. Spooey was only ever meant to have a short stay with us, while Lil's dad moved house. But after a month, we could not let him go, and he seemed so much happier with us, because of all of the extra attention from the girls, as well as my 7 year old step-daughter. He loved making her (Iris) laugh, and was absolutely besotted with her. But now I just don't know what to do without him. 

Thankyou again. Sorry for long message. Keep well everyone xxx

 

 

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Wootles567

Collette, sorry again, I have mixed up Arlie with your baby, Scooter, forgive me.

Love, 

Elle

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Wootles567

Hi Gary, hope today is an ok day for you. Just keep taking it minute by minute and be kind to yourslef, as Goldie would have been. It's all we can do. In regards to the fb message, asking you to consider letting a new fluffy soul into your life. I would say keep an open mind. You obviously have a lot of love to give, and I bet there is someone with four legs who could definitely appreciate that. But no rush. You should go at your own pace, if and when it feel right. All my love, 

L

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Wootles567

Hi folks, 

Sorry to keep posting but I can tell I am among kind folks who understand, and this gives some kind of solace. I hope you don't mind. My stomach is gurgling, and I am terrified. My heart is beating wildly. How long does this go on for? I think I am starting to come out of shock, in that I now understand that my baby is gone and will not come back. The stomach/heart fluttering stops for a bit and everything just feels heavy and sick. But it will come back. I would give everything to have Spooey back, all my savings, much of my life. This feeling is killing me. We got his ashes back yesterday and I don't know what to do with them. 

I am supposed to be finishing a Masters on jazz violin, maximum submission date 14/2/2021. No way can I think about, write about, listen to or play music. I haven't touched my violin since Spooey left, can't bring myself to. Neither can I wash my bed sheets or dressing gown as it has Spooey's smell. His presence is too strong in my room, so I have been sleeping on the couch when I can. Yesterday I reaslised I had been staring into my cupboard for nearly 20 mins, trying to decide what pants to wear.

How do you get through the day? What do you do to ease the cramps, dread, anxiety? Does counselling help? When will it stop? 

Sorry for posting too much, I don't usually have anxiety, but I seem to be having a panic problem right now. Stay safe.

Love,

L

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Hi @Wootles567 I am so so sorry for your loss of Spoodle. How did I get through the day? I don't know. We all just do. Sometimes it's moment by moment. Hour by hour. 

Like you I had allllll kinds of emotions. Sometimes fear and yes, lots of dread. Our cat died very suddenly and awfully so I was in a total state of shock and the world suddenly seemed very unkind and horrible. I was in a state of being unsettled. Sometimes anxiety. Panic. Anger. And of course a sadness and despondence that seemed to know no bounds.

I remember collecting a few of his white hairs and leaving them on the couch. When I vacuumed weeks later I cried. So, yeah it's just pretty much normal to be a mess. Sorry it's the truth. You will survive. You will move through the grief process. I can promise you that.

I was also very attached to my grief because when I felt sad and mourning him it was the only way to feel a connection. That was hard to let go.   

I've come to terms with the loss, I'm at peace as much I can be, and I have never forgotten him, not for a moment. But thank God I have good memories and try not to relive the last night.

Hang in there. I know how it is. 

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Collettesweetbear

Wootles567, you can post as much as you like. That’s what we are all here for to listen, comfort, support and talk about how we are feeling. Wootles567, we are all in different places in the world. But, we share the pain of loss of our fur babies that was the most important thing in our lives. I’ve had terrible loss of my father and other family member. And, though I miss them and get tears in my eyes when I think about them, I can still function and move forward. But, the moment Scooter died, a lot of me went too. I’m not the same person anymore. My life is forever changed with grief. I’m still holding Scooter’s blankey since I found it. Her fur is still on her blanket. I will never wash it, never. I actually was having a crying spell just a few minutes ago. She passed Jan 28, 2020. Almost a year now. I must be in a fog or still in some shock. Still seems like yesterday. Scooter slept on my chest for 17 years. Every night for 17 years. Minus once or twice when I had to go out of town for work. I understand your unbearable pain. It’s like my heart is truly broken. This is how I feel, some stranger ran up to me and took Scooter out of my arms and ran away never to see her again. It’s that kind of terrified pain. I can’t sleep well anymore. The physical loss of her not sleeping with me is horrible. I go to sleep around 10:00pm and wake up an hour or 2 hours later and can’t go back to sleep. Speaking of sleep you are sleeping right now probably. It’s 9:30pm here in America. I have to force myself to do anything. And, then still I’m crying doing anything. I’m so sorry for your loss of Spooey. Sounds like you both loved each other dearly. I have accepted I will grieve for Scooter forever. Maybe as time goes by it may not be as unbearable but, I think about her when I close my eyes and she my first thought when I wake up. I can’t seem to get to the good stuff and 17 years of happiness because the pain is too overwhelming. I go into a lot of “well, what do I do now?” I just don’t feel any joy. The joy is gone. I try to walk out the door to get a rescue and I just start crying and turn right back in. I know one day I will, but right now it’s too painful. I miss her so much it’s just crippling. I don’t want to talk with my mom or my sisters or my brother. Well, I do talk to my brother more, he is a vet and has his own clinic. It’s a struggle. I use to wash my hair everyday and shower in morning and night. I would change clothes at least 2 or 3 times a day. I have that OCD and wash my hands all day till they hurt. And, been like that all my life or at least as far back I can remember. Now, I could care less. I might shower every other day and washing my hair I pass on a lot. I don’t see anyone so, I don’t care. Scooters water bowl is sitting on the counter in the same spot since she died. I can’t bring myself to put it away. So, it’s just going to sit there for I don’t know how long. I wish I could hold her and kiss her neck. She loved that. I told her I loved her many times a day. It’s so hard to function. Plus having Covid doesn’t help. I can’t stop coughing. I lost my taste and smell from Covid. It may or may not come back. I’m not devastated about it. I’m devastated i can’t be with my baby scooter. That’s all I really know. You take care and maybe a little sleep. Big hug.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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Wootles567

AJWcat and collette, thankyou for your comforting words (still not sure how to tag people here, sorry!). It is a really nice community you have built here. And it's giving me a way to distract myself and know that I am not alone.

AJWcat, it is comforting to know that it is possible to come to a place of acceptance. And I'm sorry you and your baby had to go through a traumatic last night - how intolerably awful. But in life, he obviously had the care and kindness of someone who loved him completely. And it is a very special thing to have and receive such love. I both want to reach that place of peace, and dread it, as if accepting somehow means that I'm saying "it's ok that Spooey is gone". And it's not. It's sooooooooo not ok. But I know I need to keep going, for Aiko and the girls. Damned if I can work out exactly how.. like you say, one moment at a time. 

Collette, I so admire your courage. Even sick and heartbroken, you have the compassion and strength to reach out to a stranger. Scooter was obviously so incredibly precious. How old is he (she?) in your pic? I bet she was very bright, curious and playful. I know what you mean about nuzzling your face into a furry neck, I bet she loved that. There is something so incredibly calming about cats purring. I used to love rubbing my cheek on the soft fur of Spooey's head, and sniffing his leathery ears (a bit weird, sorry! I just loved the smell, haha).

I'm so sorry you cannot find joy in anything, it sounds like things are really tough. I am in that "why?"/"what do I do now stage" as well. Is it worth maybe talking to a professional grief counsellor? Might they be able to help? I hate to think of a kind soul in such distress. Especially if you don't feel that you can talk to your friends and family, accept for your brother (btw, I hope your friend apologised for being less than supportive). It sounds like you are thinking about taking in a rescue, and maybe that's not a bad idea. They give our lives meaning and purpose. Only if and when you are ready, and only you know when the time is right. I'm sure it's possible to accept that one will grieve forever, but that doesn't mean you can't love again. Right now I don't want to love again, but I don't know what to do with the love I have.

Maybe a piece of us goes with our babies, to keep them company while they wait for the rest of us to get to them. And that is why we feel disoriented and disconnected from the world. If so, I'm glad to give it - I couldn't stand the thought of Spooey being this alone. Just a thought.

I find I am missing the way I used to talk to Spooey. My boyfriend is not really an animal person, but he is kind, and grew to love Spooey as well. He would tease us both in a good-natured way, as I used to have a habit of putting the word "spoodle" in front of everything, ie, "C'mon Spooey, have some spoodle-water", or "let's go outside for a spoodle-wee", or "would you like a spoodle-ball, Spooey?". To which Lach (boyfriend) would smile and mutter "it's just plain water/a wee/a ball".

It is 4.49 here, so I am guessing you will be long a-bed, Collette. I really hope you are having a peaceful slumber, despite the lack of Scooters curled up on your chest as once they were. Rest up and give your immune system a chance to fight and beat COVID. 

Love, 

L

 

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@Collettesweetbearhow's things today, is the cough any better. Its awful, normally a cough would only last 3 weeks with me, but this covid, well its all totally different. I'm finding it hard enough to eat so to not have sense of taste and smell I can't imagine. Glad your mom has been more sympathetic, things are bad enough without having to worry how family view it all, so that's good news. When you say you think about another but have to turn back I totally get that. I'm avoiding going out where any dog walkers are, I just can't, asi know the ones who would say oh well get another, like it's a new TV. My routine has gone out the window. A few weeks ago the day was sorted, washed, clothes on for the weather, and away and looking forward to the walks and who we would meet. Now it's a struggle to shave, I'm not seeing anyone so it's not going to matter. I have to force myself when I do have to go to the shops. That's a huge change for you with having OCD, my daughters boyfriend has that and I know what he's like. The days drag, they seem to last forever, from doing at least 9 miles to hardly anything, just shows how your routine can be turned upside down.

@AJWCatreading what you say brings some hope. At the moment I'm in the stage of I don't want to not feel sad. If I'm sad I'm remembering him, it's not right to move on. Still replaying everything in my mind. The last few days, the last trip to the vet. Some of the walks when I cut them short. I don't know, I can't see how I can resolve this. Maybe I will, I've not got anywhere even near the good times.

@Wootles567I will keep an open mind. I mean no way would I be going out and looking, but the message, well if I could be sure it was definitely Goldie wanting me to look out for another well I could accept that, perhaps he is. I do believe the energy lives on, and he's here, but although I think this another part of me questions it if that makes sense. I've read lots before and now again about the afterlife. Hopefully it was him directing me. You don't have long till the deadline. That's great that you are very talented. Thing is life throws us curved balls. I'd not be able to do it, but that's me I know what I'm like. I've no musical talent, but I love music, any kind, and always had music playing. Well that's 3 weeks and I've not played anything, I can't listen to anything. Not interested in news, I'm on my phone reading stuff all the time, it's the only way I'm getting through the day.

Please keep posting, don't think you shouldn't, it's great to hear from you. If you type the @sign then immediately start the person's name on here you get boxes showing up then you just click that. That's good you have Aiki, she seems lovely and is cuddly with you. She will know things are not right, they know, so she has to adjust. Good she is interested in other dogs. They need to play. Funny though how they differ, Goldie wasn't really into balls, he was more just a walker and a dog chaser. Maybe he just got used to me not taking a ball, or maybe he just wasn't interested, things like this are in my mind constantly. I've had 2 sessions with a grief Counsellor on WhatsApp, I don't know if it's helpful, suppose it is as ateast it's someone to talk to. I'm on a couple fb groups for this, so again you can see what others are going through. One is the Ralph Site. Like you I couldn't stand the idea of Goldie being a alone. I miss cuddling him and saying daft things. I sometimes spoke to him when out also, now he's away. This is so hard, I'm always glad to see people post. 

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