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Although the past 5 years were spent in going to Moms house to help her as her mental state declined as well as physical health I don't regret a single day.  Her final year was spent on hospice where at the independent facility she lived at took care of her needs as she had many problems with her lungs and breathing.  I knew she was getting towards the end and somehow I kept thinking that once again she'd fight back with what energy she had and recover.  This time it didn't happen.  When hospice called me to come to her room at the apartment she lived at I knew by looking at her she was going.  I had just seen her the night before on my way home and her last words to me were "make sure you go home and eat something" (she always no matter what put me as her top priority in thinking).  Little did I know they were the last words I'd hear as the next day I was sitting by her bedside with the hospice nurse telling me she was "active" (learned it was the word used for dying).  Hospice was so good to her and even the nurse sang to her as I sat next to her by her bedside just stroking her arm and told her I loved her and that I was the most fortunate person on the planet for having a Mom as her (she had just turned 90 the week before).  Even in her almost coma state I could see she wanted to say something which would have been probably returning the "I love you too" so I filled in the words saying "Mom I think I just heard you say you loved me very much and I know you always meant and showed it". I left the room to go home knowing that she would probably not make it through the night or at best the next day and told her to just rest and I would see her tomorrow as I said to her every night.  I got home and no sooner got in the door to have that call I so dreaded saying that she had passed.  I was beyond blessed to have support from people to help me get arrangements made but I have to say it hit me like something between  someone punching me in the stomach to the agonizing pain of the loss in my heart deep down.  This happened on September 29th and since then I try to keep my "i'm ok" to whoever asks me but I masked it and spent many nights just breaking down.  In the past week I have gone from what seems to be the grieving process of mourning to anxiety and I can't put my finger on it.  Maybe it's just that I know there will be many days ahead that will be uncertain but I've had days where i feel an over rush of adrenaline flowing through my body as if I have drank a pot of coffee and can feel the muscles in my face and back as they relax from the stress of the past months easing and bringing almost a weird feeling of trying to relax but just not quite getting there.  So hard to explain but thank you for reading this.  I know I'm going to be ok and don't know when but as a deep wound is so will my pain subside.  Grief is a journey that is one you know will end but the ride can be hell at times.

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Ken, I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell from reading your words that your Mum meant a lot to you as you did to her. Grief does feel like a wound deep within your heart that no one else can see. I don’t think we ever get over it but we learn to live with and round our grief. It becomes a part of us. Less intense over time but it changes who we are forever. Hold your Mum tightly in your heart.  

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BEQUET93

You and your mother had a very strong bond. It will take time to come to terms with that loss, which is still fresh. The grieving process can definitely be hellish, but that pain shows how much those we have lost meant to us. That, even when she was nearing the end, she was concerned that you eat something was so sweet. There is nothing in this world quite like a mother's love. I tell people that they risk their lives to bring us into this world and are always there for us, even when we are well into adulthood. Your mother is still with you in your genes, your memories, and everything you learned from her, which is a fine legacy. You have my condolences for your loss.

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Thank you Monty and BEQUET93- Your words brought comfort in knowing that I'm not alone and that as stated so well grief of losing someone (especially a parent) is like a deep deep wound and it takes time.  I forgot to add in my original post that as both of you responded yes, we had a very close bond and family unfortunately were only around to show up at the funeral but as one person pointed out to me, I am blessed to have the memories.  I think for me the hardest part was when she was in her final hours she was trying it seemed to hold on and the hospice nurse told me she needed me to know and be to say to her how I felt and how loved she was and that she could go when she felt at peace to go on and that I would be ok. Very hard words to get out at the time but ones that I believe she needed to hear even in her altered state of consciousness in the process of dying.  I remember thinking later on after she passed that those were words I never wanted to use again because they were words from my heart and very painful but I believe necessary to say.  It's a journey, just as being by her side throughout her illness in the past years was but it's one that for her I would do again without question.

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