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So this weekend my friends put together a big offroad memorial ride for my love, Faith! I really didn't want to do it at first but they talked me into so I agreed. I race offroad professionally so it was good to go out and get back in the seat and do what I've always loved to do and Faith did too! But the crazy thing was on Friday night when we got to Parker, Arizona we went to dinner. We went to a Mexican restaurant there where faith and me always went when we where in Parker. I walked inside with my brother and then walked back outside for second and picked up my phone to call faith and then totally realized everything. For a second i didn't know what the hell was wrong with me and got super frustrating at myself for doing it. I had a good cry and then we went back in. I think about her all day everyday and just wonder why I was so mad at myself for that! She was my world and my everything and she loved to support me through everything and I did the same thing!

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Gail 8588

I think this is very common. It certainly happened to me many times.  I would instinctively go to call John to tell him or ask him something and then realize he was dead and the enormity of that fact and all it's implications would hit me like a freight train. I'd be shattered.

Maybe you were angry with yourself for not protecting yourself from that unexpected punch.  That somehow you should have seen that coming before it hit you.

As time goes by, these episodes do diminish.  I shared everything with my husband for 40 years, so naturally for many months after he died my mind defaulted to the routine, if I get a flat tire - call John, if I find a long lost treasure - tell John, etc. After a year or 2, my mind knew 'call John' was no longer the default.  I still tell him things or wish I could ask him things. But it is no longer with that initial expectation that he is still with me.  There is no longer that sucker punch feeling of catastrophic loss. 


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I tend to over-analyze, which I've learned not to do with my grief, it is what it is, I let the waves come and go as they will and learned to accept them.  Who can understand the mind of grief?!
I'm glad you have support...

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