Jump to content
New Members - Check Your Spam/Junk Folder for Confirmation Email ×

My beloved cat died and I am devastated


Recommended Posts

  • Members

I am totally broken…I am in pieces. I can't eat, I can’t sleep, I can't work, I will probably get fired if things don't change soon.. I am just broken.

She was a rescue, found her in an old abandoned farm three years ago. A little wild, with attitude but scared, beautiful creature.

Got her with me in the car straight to the Vet. She was pregnant.

Took her home. A month later she got her babies in a box we set up for her on our sofa. Witnessing everything, the birth of two beautiful kittens.

We kept them. She was the best mom in the world. Learned so much from her.

This cat was so special, really, really special! I somehow got that connection with her, it happens only once in a lifetime I think. I deeply loved all the animals I shared my life with so far, but this cat... it was a different, very strong connection.
I just felt love, pure, unconditional love, the way it should be.

She got sick three days ago. Was Sunday, no Vets where I live.

It wasn't very bad, she looked ok, just not great of appetite but nothing major.

I thought we go to the Vet first thing Monday morning.

Sunday evening she went out about 8.00pm, looked at me for a while and just went outside, sat outside still looking through the window door, and then just left. 
She normally comes back in an hour or so, since I got her she never missed a night, but this time she didn't come back.

I spent the night looking for her; I spent the week looking for her.
I was calling her name, almost shouting, crying. Never found her!

Her two kittens (a girl and a boy) still with me. Love them to death…..but she not being around is killing me. The feeling is way too strong.

I haven't eaten since the evening she disappeared. No sleep whatsoever, no work, not able to focus…..I am just so sad, it takes me by storm! Never felt like this before.

I lost both my parents, lost some close to me people, but this cat, I have never felt anything like this before.

The hour of "sleep" I got last night, was dreaming she is coming back, woke up and cried and cried and cried.
I just want to see her again, just one more time, just 5 min and she can go if she wants to.

Deep inside, I know she is gone, I can feel it.

How do I let go, I just cannot continue to feel like this.
It is very hard. I miss her so much.

Grief just grabbed me by the throat like never before!
 

my-Jessie.jpg

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

I'm sorry for what you are going through.  I lost my dog within the past month.  I can't put any of her things away.  I pretend to feed her every day and fill up her water bowl like she is still here.  I can't let go.  I understand your pain. 

Perhaps she knew and was going to find a quiet place for you to avoid seeing her gone.  People can laugh at that but animals are smarter than most believe.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Collettesweetbear

Dianadg,

I am so very sorry for your loss. You poor thing not being able to eat or sleep or work. Well, I understand completely. I had my baby scooter for 17 years. She slept on my chest for 17 years. To me, she was my real child. You have a cat breath on your neck while she sleeps that long and it feels permanent. I never ever thought that she would die one day. She is the only pet so far I’ve had. She died at the start of Covid January 28. It’s been 10 plus months and I still can walk across the room and her face pops in my head and I burst out crying. I’ve cried and cried for 10 solid months. She was my comfort companion as well. I know just what you mean when you say she was the one. Looks like she was your little soul mate and your two hearts became one. I love cats a lot and I know I should try for another one but, just the thought and I break down. No kitty is ever going to be scooter. You know I struggled with that same “I just can’t seem to let her go” I kept hanging on. And, the begging. I begged God I would never ask for another thing if he would give me my scooter back. But, she never came back into my arms. I can’t sleep. Not really from the stress as much anymore, but the fact her little warm body made my neck and chest her bed at night for that many years. And, not 5,6,7,8 years but 17 years. The biggest part of me died when she died. And, I have found that we can’t let them go. Yes, I can let go of her in a sense that I have to let go of the hope that I can change the past and she will be back. But, you never really let go because you gotta keep her love. The love always stays forever. I have read a hundred things to help with the never ending painful grief and the only thing that has worked for me is time. Each day, each week and each month got a little better with instead of crying morning, noon and night, it became morning and night and then maybe instead of 3 straight hours of crying non stop, it went down to 2 hours at a time. I guess it’s different for everyone but, what is the same is the unbearable pain. Worse pain I’ve ever had in my life and ever will. I have lost my grandparents, aunts, uncles.. my father and of course I was devastated but, not like with scooter and not as long. Scooter meant everything to me and honestly I don’t know if I can ever get another cat. She was my only true love, my little baby that was by my side a long portion of my life. I’m still heartbroken but, I can function again. I was looking for a job before she died and that came to a halt. So, time. For me it was letting time go by and the unbearable pain got less and less. Dianadg, again, I’m so sorry. And, the all of a sudden loss is so hard and hurtful. My brother is a veterinarian and I asked him one day about how animals know they are dying, they go away from us. He said, animals don’t know death like me and you. Humans know you are born and one day we all die. He said, cats and dogs don’t think like that. They are not conscious of the fact “I will die one day or I’m dying” all they know is that they feel really really bad at that moment. Their instincts is to go away from us because they feel badly or weak and just like in the wild animals will try to hide to protect themselves from other animals. I believe if not all most of them do that from instinct. I hope you feel better. It will take time to grieve. Lots of stages so, when they come let it come over you and grieve and cry your heartbreak. I’ll be thinking of you. You’re in my prayers.



Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

Thank you so much for the kind words! It means a lot!

I think I now moved into the bargaining stage, or whatever name people give to this feeling.

I should have put her in the car and drive 60 miles to the nearest big city with an emergency Vets available in Sunday. Why I decided to wait till Monday for our local Vet.

I should have kept her inside that evening. Why I didn't see she was saying Goodbye, she was looking at me through the window door. I looked back at her, doing our usual eye blink. She was saying Goodbye....why I didn't see it.

There will always be regrets.  No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more.

My husband is a great support, he loved her very much. Seeing him crying like a baby made me even more depressed.

 

I still can't eat. Called at work and told them I can't come, I am sick, dont care, can't think of work, can't think of anything but my Jessie. I see her in every corner in the house. Can hear her walking up the stairs, jumping on top of the keyboard, sending emails accidentally. I happened couple of times, when she wanted me off and away of this big screen I was looking at for so many hours...

Got few hours of sleep last night, but it was difficult. She was the one waiting for us to go to bed and jump on top for a long, long cuddle, sleeping on top of me or between us every night.

I know the unbearable pain I feel now will fade with time. It hurts, it really does, but eventually it will go away. But one thing for sure.... I will never be the same.

I want to meet her again. I know I will, in some other form maybe. Could be another cat.... I will recognise her immediately. A gentle and a sweet, innocent soul can come from any place, any background.

I think it was meant to meet her. I had to experience this pure, unconditional, deep love. I know, some people will say, it was just a Cat...but for me, it was way more than that.

I can't explain it. I have never felt that way before. Her existence made me feel really happy. A cat made me feel very, very happy!

I don't know if I will ever be able to love another animal same way as I love her. Her two babies are gorgeous, and I do love them, they are part of her.... but she was the one, the cat that made one human being very happy! 

She was unique! We will meet again. I will find you Jessie.....you such a beautiful, gentle soul.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

I am so sorry...it reminds me of losing my Miss Mocha 6/3/16.  I think a cougar got Miss Mocha, as we live by the woods in the mountains.  

When they go missing like that it feels like there's no closure, it's really hard as their being gone feels so ambiguous.  I called her, looked for her, put up flyers, had neighbors check their garages...nothing, never found her remains.  She deserved so much more.  I got her a memorial stone with her name and approximate age as she too came to me from unknown origins.  I think she'd been abandoned up here, as people sometimes do when they're tired of their pets.  She was the sweetest cat in the world.

Your cat is beautiful, I'm glad you had her for the time that you did and that you were there for her and her kitties.  I had a dog that died of cancer, he was my soulmate in a dog, the once in a lifetime one as you say...I've had 25 cats & dogs, but he was perfect for me, although I have loved them all immensely.  I can so relate to your post on every aspect.

My heart goes out to you!  I hope you will get help from your doctor to get some sleep and calm you, sometimes we need it.  I too have known what it is to be distraught with grief, it is all-consuming.

I will keep you in my prayers and I hope this video brings you a bit of comfort and peace.  I also pray you do not lose your job.
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/disenfranchised-grief#examples
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/finding-support-for-pet-loss.html

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/12/pet-loss-amazed-at-how-we-are-grieving.html

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Collettesweetbear

Dianadg, checking on you. We’re here if you need us. I bursted out crying for hours again. I feel like I’m back to the beginning again. This is so hard. Heartbroken.

Also, I have someone that her entire house burned to the ground and her 2 doggies were there. She is beyond devastated. I gave her our support group web here at Grieving.com. I hope she will come on and write her story. I relayed support help is here. Her name is Ashly. I will look out for her. .



Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
15 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

Her name is Ashly. I will look out for her. emoji20.png

OMG, I do hope she comes here!  Someone on one of my grief forums went through this a while back, they had several animals and their favorite died.  I can't imagine. Here's another post about losing their animals due to a fire...

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Collettesweetbear

Omgosh, this is so upsetting. I am really hoping she comes here. My very first thought was “I have to let KayC know this.” I can’t imagine the pain of this. Not like this. KayC one of the doggies was her soul mate. With a fire that bad that just consumed the entire house, I’m thinking the volume of smoke would have maybe gotten to the doggies first and they went to sleep? 🥺


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

I'm sure of that, they don't die ravaged by the fire, but the smoke inhalation.  I've always been terrified of fire, can't even light a burn pile.  My neighbor lets me use his, so I pick up his branches too as a thank you.  Have been picking them up left handed this week since the two day storm we had.

I do hope the friend comes here and reads if notthing else, although it helps us process our grief to get it out and know we're heard & understood.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

KayC,

thank you so much for the kind words and support. It means a lot. Thank you.

------

Collettesweetbear,

I red your story......I don't know what to say! It is heartbreaking!

I wish I could do something....I wish I had this power to bring scooter back, if I only could....

 

I have always considered myself a happy person. Very happy with my family, job, life in general...
I went through some ups and downs but always seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

I never really understood depression, I have never been depressed...till now! 

NOW I KNOW...

 

The last 48 hours been the worst in my life, a real holocoaster.

I found Jessie!

I couldn't help myself but keep looking, even after a week, I just couldn't stop thinking of her....so kept looking. I thought if I could find her body, it will give me some peace.

I went deep into the woods, found a derelict shed I didn't even know existed, and she was there. Unconscious but still alive with a pulse.
From this point on, it's a fog.... The only thing I knew was I have to get her to the vet.

The drive to the vet!  It felt like I was trying to reach Mars with a car! It took ages...
I went through a storm of emotions, crying, laughing, panicking, happiness, everything...the drive was very tough.

I finally got there, and they got her in the ER.
Ten minutes later the Vet came out and said they will do everything possible to get her back, but he also said it is a very small % she will wake up.

He asked me if I want to keep her hospitalized for the weekend, and I said YES....
He then said it will cost this and that, and I said OK...
He said the chances are very, very small, and I said I DON'T CARE, EVEN THERE IS A 0.00000000001%  CHANCE I WILL TAKE IT!

They put her on a drip and not sure what else they did, but he said, for now, it is the only thing they can do.
I had to leave her there and drive back home....the drive back was even worse.
 

All this happened Friday. I went back to the hospital Saturday, couldn't do anything else but drive 60 miles each direction.

The Vet called me Saturday morning and told me she most likely suffered a kidney failure, her urine and blood tests are off the charts, and if things don't change in the next 48 hours I will have to do it! They will have to put her to sleep!

It is Sunday, and I am calling the Vet hospital every hour...they probably think I am out of my mind.

 

I CAN'T DO IT! I JUST CAN'T....

I just can't put her to sleep now....after all, I went through...after I found her. I SIMPLY CAN'T DO IT!

 

My husband thinks I should go to the hospital to get an injection or something to calm me down....

 

Please God Help me! I am in a total emotional shock! I am NOT getting through this well at all!!! 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

My Kitty had kidney & liver failure, they could help her thyroid but said nothing could be done for the kidneys & liver, no treatment.  I do know how it feels to lose them, it's not giving up on them unless there is a cure & we fail to get it.  I hope you will consider your husband's suggestion to get some help, sometimes we need it, I'm on anti-anxiety Rx myself.  :wub:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Collettesweetbear

Dianadg,

Omgosh, I have never hung on every word so hard in my life. When I saw you say you found Jessie, I think I went into shock. I couldn’t believe I just saw you say you found her. I was on the brink of tears with every word, that I read carefully and slowly. Dianadg, I literally had to stop, take one of my anxiety meds, I put under my tongue and it melts. I waited about 7 mins for it to kick in. I have heart disease (open heart surgery 5 years ago) then (failed bypass 3 years ago) now I get Angina) so, I try to stay calm but, I knew I better fix it before I read on. Which, I am now calm and ready to continue. Calm but, still tears on the brink reading every word carefully. Omgosh, ok I just finished. I cried. I couldn’t believe it Diana my God what you just went through. I wish I was there to give you a hug and hold your hand. I’m praying as hard as I can. I will wait right here. I can’t move anyway. Last night I thought about holding scooter in those final days and her looking up at me with her dilated pupils because blind. I knew she was dying. I held her and sobbed and sobbed and begged and bargained... Please God, I have suffered my entire life with battling depression and anxiety...please don’t take my scooter...please. I held her for hours sobbing...her face in my neck. Then all of a sudden she reached up and licked my cheek with the salty tears and then like she has never ever done this before she then licked my lips just once. I knew at that very moment she was telling me goodbye. She wanted to get down and I put her in her soft little pink house. The next morning I knew she was ready to go. She said her goodbyes to me. She licked my lips and then within 9 hours she was gone. Loosing your soul mate kitty that I had for 17 years, to me is like having a baby and now she 17 graduating from high school. That’s a long time. I’ll never recover from this. I will have to learn to live with it, but recovery and acceptance....never. Now I’m in tears for scooter I’m in tears for Jessie. I’m paralyzed.
I’ll wait right here for you Diana. Pretend I’m holding your hand.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Collettesweetbear

KayC, I’ll never get over loosing baby scooter. It’s been 11 months and it still hurts just as fresh as when she died. I’ve gone through the grief process over and over. And, not always in the same order but, grieving still continues on. I’ll never be that same happy person like I was. Scooter took the biggest part of me with her and so I’ll never accept. I’ll just have to figure out how to live with the pain.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
16 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

I’ll never be that same happy person like I was.

No we never are the same, we are forever etched by grief.  The best we can hope for is to learn to cope with all of the changes it means for our lives, to adjust to our new reality somewhat, but to a large extent, we have to learn to live with it.  I have learned to coexist with my grief and it is a lot...it is my life now.  We are never the same.  But then we are never the same for having had them in our lives, they blessed and enriched our lives so much.  I like the thought that my George (husband) and Arlie have made such a profound difference in my life, their loved impacted me big time.  Being without them is temporary, I will be with them again, but oh God the wait is so hard!  One day at a time.  Breathe.  

Your response to Dianadg is heart felt and touching.  I'm sorry it triggered your heart so.  You have suffered greatly in your life, Scooter was everything to you, believe me, I understand that, more than you could know.

This has been a very tough week for me, my right hand surgery was one week ago.  The gal who was supposed to stay with me for two days came at 7 pm after I'd already managed to load the fire and take Kodie out, going to bed at 8:30 and not getting up until 9.  She walked Kodie with me at noon & then we fixed breakfast, she wasn't paying attention to the eggs and they were sticking so I had to finish them.  I had her help me put up a tree, that was the one accomplishment.  I'd already taken Kodie out and loaded the fire before she got up.  She left at 1:30.  So much for help the first two days/nights!  The person who was supposed to bring my firewood onto my patio this weekend didn't show or call.  The person who was supposed to show me how to use the generator so I could write down the steps, did not show either.  I don't want the battery going dead so will have to call him today.  The persons that offered to walk Kodie during my recuperation never showed or contacted me.  Then yesterday the founder of the diabetic group I'm on went off on me.  Again, and again, and again.  I was stunned, I apologized profusely but still she kept going off on me.  She was upset with someone else and took it out on me.  It brought me to tears and I took a space.  These things are never easy.  Sorry I'm venting, but this is my week and I know you have a listening ear and understanding heart...I feel we've developed a bond.  We get each other, we feel each other.

Anyway, this is Monday, beginning of a new week!  Praying for strength for today for us all!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Collettesweetbear

Oh KayC, you poor thing. I am so sorry to hear all this. What happened to all these people that made promises to help care for you? Did they all have excuses and some just didn’t even call? Are you doing everything one handed? How are you handling wood one handed, please tell me you’re not using your surgery hand. . What did they do with your surgery on your hand? I believe you said you had the surgery on your other hand previously.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Collettesweetbear

KayC, I just had to read your post again. You have gone through so much in one week since your surgery, I had to read it twice. I am so sorry this many people let you down. Your hand needs to heal. Carrying all that wood, I just know you used both hands. I know you had all this covered before your surgery. Very upsetting they didn’t keep their responsibility to help you. You’re in my prayers right here and now.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members

The left hand still needs done but will wait until summer so I don't have to haul firewood and shovel snow.

Pushed 1/2 wheelbarrow full so was okay, a week went by today, will go back to the doctor Thursday.  Making it.

My neighbor came today to show me how to start the generator, if he'd come a couple of days sooner I might not have been able to write down the directions so it worked out fine.  He apologized that he'd spaced out, said to call if I need anything.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Collettesweetbear

I’m glad to hear your neighbor came to help you and sounds like he is available if you need him. Kodie there to give you comfort. I wish our soul mates were here with us. Me one and you two. I just had a melt down cry for a little bit. You are so right, we were different people before Arlie and scooter and we became different after. My baby’s face keeps popping in my mind. I miss her so much.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
Collettesweetbear
I wish I had words to help you but all I have is love and tears to give you and an understanding heart.:wub:


Thank you KayC, you are a kind beautiful heart that’s so large “you want to help hurt, in people. You are very special and have a gift sharing and helping people you don’t know. U have the biggest heart in the world.

KayC do you have an email address? Or you can text me. I have a few “great helpful ideas” for you. I wanna help.
Collette2990@gmail.com. Please shoot me an email. Warm regards, Collette.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Members
8 hours ago, Collettesweetbear said:

you can text me

You can message me here, cell phones don't work here, I'll be out all day today, going to the dentist over 60 miles away, getting groceries, coming home & putting them away, all will be a struggle, my hand is hurting badly.  Raining hard and windy today.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.