Has anyone else done this?

[BBB]

Let me preface by saying I've done this and then afterwards feel really bad about it but do any of you or have any of you gotten mad at your spouse for dying? My wife died of cancer and of course it was nothing she could control but every once in a while, I'll get mad and yell up "You said you would never leave me". Stupid and I feel guilty afterwards but I've done it. Be kind, I'm bearing my soul

 

[Yoli]

I have said "You left me" and "Why did you leave me?" Surprisingly not in anger but that may well come in time. It is an outlet for your emotion. I do often wonder what both she and I could have done differently.

[Perro J]

The rational part of me knows she isn't at fault. The anger I would describe as that anger you have when someone disappoints you - it isn't a rage - but a feeling that that you have been let down by someone you expected more from. We had such a bright future ahead of us - or so we thought.

I cry out "Why?" to her but I know she didn't want to go. She had many, many more aspirations and I am certain that given more time she would have made great progress towards them.

Yes, I have done that. You are not abnormal.

I also feel the guilt afterwards, thinking about how she suffered from discomfort through downright horror in her treatments. I know what I saw will always haunt me. I try not to think about what she may have endured in the hospitals alone and what I did not see.

[KayC]

Anger at spouse for leaving is a very common grief response, esp. in earlier grief.  It is your emotion and it need have no reasoning or rationale, that doesn't always enter in to our feelings, they are but to contend with and get through.  There is no right or wrong about your feelings, they are what they are.  We can know with our head that they didn't leave of their own accord, but our feelings have nothing to do with our head knowledge.  I hope you don't feel ashamed or guilty, I'm sure they understand from their vantage point, wouldn't wish this being left behind on anyone!

This addresses our "feelings" and she puts it well I think.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/10/in-grief-acknowledging-jealousy-and.html

[chincube]

It has always been in the foreground of my mind, that anger of him leaving me. Maybe it's a bit less angry now, but more "why did you have to leave me" these months and I've come to peace to the idea that there's nothing he can do about it now. But sometimes I still feel the knot in my stomach of "why did you leave me".

I don't even think about whether it is rational, I just let it be. After all I do really feel being left alone, so the least I can do to be kind to myself is to let myself feel whatever I feel.

Don't feel guilty about that, it's just one of those things you feel - I know they wouldn't have hard feelings on that.

 

[foreverhis]

Yes, definitely.  Even though he would never have left me, our girls, and our family on purpose, the fact is that he is gone.  He was taken from us by the bastard cancer (and, as far as I'm concerned, some issues with our medical care system that resulted in a number of small delays--plus me not pushing harder).  In fact, when he was diagnosed, he'd say, "I'm sorry I got so sick." and I'd tell him honestly that it wasn't his fault.  I gave him a mantra to say when he'd feel that way:  None of this is my fault.

But he is gone and I'm here.  So when I'm particularly frustrated or upset, I get angry with him.  I say, "You need to come home now.  I need you to come home right now.  I can't do this alone."  Or if I make a choice I know is different from what he would have, I look up or at his picture and say, "What?  You don't get to have a say in this.  You left me."  Then, of course, I apologize and tell him I know he would never have left me on purpose, but I just miss him so much.

[BBB]

I too lost my spouse to cancer. I too felt like I should have pushed more. I too feel like our medical system failed us

 

[widower2]

On 9/30/2020 at 5:22 PM, BBB said:

I too feel like our medical system failed us

You don't want me on that soapbox. Our system is a joke and I am not even talking about costs.

[BBB]

Feel free to get on your soapbox. I certainly don't need any convincing that our medical system is broken. That's the thing about death, you get no do-overs. If you make a mistake and bring your car to the wrong mechanic, well you learn from your mistake and choose another one. After your spouse passes away, well I just have regret over some of the decisions that were made unfortunately.

 

[Jttalways]

Lost my husband to cancer also. So many things i analyze now that could have been done if we hadnt put all of your trust in the hands of "professionals."

I think and say often "why did you leave me?" or "why did you have to go away?' 

[BBB]

I second guess many of our decisions medically. I realize that the only person who cared about saving her was me. All of the medical personnel just wanted her to go into hospice. From there it was just a downward spiral.

 

[Annashea11]

 I do this everyday. I lost My boyfriend two weeks ago and its been hard to cope with the sadness and anger I feel. Everyday I look up to the sky and get mad that he left me but instantly regret it afterwards. 

[KayC]

@Annashea11  I am so sorry, I want you to know that all of the feelings you can possibly feel in grief are "normal" for the situation.  This is the hardest journey I've ever embarked on.

[Knvsmom]

I'm like other's on this thread. I'm more angry at the "healthcare" system, these stupid Covid precautions, & the fact I didn't push for more control of the care or lack thereof he was getting at the Rehab Center. I don't even know what he died of and never will. I'm usually a lot more proactive when it comes to certain things. All I was doing was waiting for him to be released to come home, & instead he came home in a cremains box full of ashes. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself. I just want answers.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Knvsmom said:

I'm usually a lot more proactive when it comes to certain things

This takes everything out of us, it's like being sucker punched in the gut but it never ends.

It's important to learn to forgive ourselves all of our imagined wrongs...we never would have done anything to hurt them, we love them with all of our being.  We're human, we have limitations, and we can't predict the future.  But we do our best and yet we seem to be hardest on ourselves.  What would you tell a friend in this situation?  Tell that to yourself.  It's important to learn to be your own best friend.  We "get" ourselves better than anyone does, we understand our hearts, our motives, our intentions, better than anyone.