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It's taken me some time to gather the courage to make this post... I lost my older brother last month. It was a suicide and we later found out he had it planned out months in advance.

He and I were close, but we had a very quiet bond. We didn't speak much, even when we were younger and under the same roof, sometimes the same room. We spent a lot of time together without words, but it wasn't a distant silence. it was comforting, understanding. I quietly looked up to him, and he quietly looked after me.

So we didn't really talk, even after we both moved to different states, that quiet bond remained. 
 

Now that he's gone, everything feels different yet... also the same. it's like the furniture has shifted just slightly to the left, and though it looks the unchanged, i'm bumping into chairs and I can't find the light switch in the dark anymore.

I guess what I mean to say is, his death still feels surreal. I have done everything to acknowledge his passing but it's almost as if my brain won't accept his absence because of the lack of change in my overall routine, or something. like it hasn't fully clicked into place. like I'm still in denial despite knowing that he's gone. I just feel so numb but I don't understand it. I don't understand how or why I'm still unable to process it. I miss him and I feel nothing and it scares me. Will it always feel surreal? Will I ever feel his absence in full clarity? Is this just part of the process? Has anyone else experienced this prolonged numbness?

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I lost my sister a month ago and I have definitely felt numb for a long time about it. I have had trouble finding a therapist so I think part of my numbness is not feeling safe opening up without someone there to help me pick up the pieces. I'm glad I found this forum. 

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Rebecca1991

So.. not to bring up my own situation but isn’t that what we all have to look to to relate us all? When my sister passed, she was an addict and I spoke to her but I couldn’t see her in person or even on the phone because it would just mess me up for reasons that’s beyond this BUT my point is even though she didn’t have a PRESENT role in my physical life she did in my emotional one and so when she passed I almost wanted to cause a scene just so something would be different in my life physically because emotionally it felt like everything changed so I wanted my insides to match my outsides ya know... so hard to experience when no one can tell how much that person who was silently in your life when they couldn’t see them but you did. Every.Day. In your thoughts.

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Snowflakes11

I just lost my brother due to a heart attack. He had painkiller/alcohol issues and previous suicide attempts. My mom died by suicide years ago and I felt guilty for a long time that I didn't cry. I just felt numb. I've since learned that numbness is actually a legitimate feeling. It still angers me to think about it.

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I can relate. My sister's cause of death is still being determined (toxicology takes 12-16 weeks now) but it was either suicide or an accidental overdose. Either way, she'd been flirting with that edge for a while. I didn't see her often the last year or so of her life but she lived five miles away from me. She'd been using drugs/alcohol pretty heavily this year and with Covid, I just couldn't see her often. So I feel that - I didn't see her much so it's hard to fully accept that she's really gone. But her emotional presence - YES. When it hits me, it's like I can't breath and it's so dark I just can't process it. 

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Sunny79
On 10/4/2020 at 6:55 AM, Rebecca1991 said:

So.. not to bring up my own situation but isn’t that what we all have to look to to relate us all? When my sister passed, she was an addict and I spoke to her but I couldn’t see her in person or even on the phone because it would just mess me up for reasons that’s beyond this BUT my point is even though she didn’t have a PRESENT role in my physical life she did in my emotional one and so when she passed I almost wanted to cause a scene just so something would be different in my life physically because emotionally it felt like everything changed so I wanted my insides to match my outsides ya know... so hard to experience when no one can tell how much that person who was silently in your life when they couldn’t see them but you did. Every.Day. In your thoughts.

Just read this now but sums up so much how I feel about my brother who passed 12th dec 2020. 

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