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Honeygrl1

I lost my son in Oct. 2019

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Honeygrl1

I don't know if I'm doing this right but...here I am none the less. My whole life was turned upside down in 2019 starting in Feb. I lost my husband to suicide, an adopted neighbor son, my grandmother, a longtime friend's daughter and my oldest son. He was 29 when someone knocked the life out of him in Oct. In an auto accident. We are still waiting to see if the driver will be cited. That's the only closure we'll get if you can call it that. He died on impact, I had to know he didn't suffer. I ran the race 3 times, hitting the ground running after 3 of the deaths to get things wrapped up. I didnt have a choice, I didn't have time to grieve. Now I do and I find myself either inflamed with anger or in a melancholy disfunctional pit. I have so much to do and I dont care. I had a condition I was in the hospital for, about 3 months ago, and I almost died...but all I could do was cry because my son didn't have a chance to get help. I will never be the same. I only do what I absolutely have to, I have to be somewhat strong for my disabled adult son who lives with me and my grandgirls. He had a fiance whom Im very close to and he has a sister and little brother and lots of friends he grew up with. Its exponentialy hard to be strong for them. I feel like I'll forever be in robot mode. It's as if my heart and gut have turned to stone. No feelings. Not normal ones anyway. Thanks for listening.

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My girl is in heaven

Honeygrl.  First of all let me tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of your precious boy and all the other losses you have experienced in your life.  Yes it does indeed sound like you just haven’t had time to grieve and maybe everything is just starting to settle in for you.  All of those feelings anger, sadness, guilt, why....they will all be pounding you into the ground.  I lost my 17 year old daughter, 9 years ago and had no intention of doing anything but going to be with her right then and there.  But some how I have trudged thru.  I wish I could press the face forward button for you to a day where you will see hope and happiness gain.  It will never be the same, how could it, we lost our precious kids, but Inch by inch you will get there.  It is a constant cycle of falling into the grief pit and climbing back out again.  But as time goes on you will find you are in it less.  You eventually learn to weave your sadness into  your new life.  Your heart and head finally come to an agreement of just how much sadness you can live with.  You will never find the answers as to why, you can search the world over , turn over ever rock and there will never be any answers as to why.  Remember there is no right or wrong in grief, whatever works for you is what is right.  There is no handbook on what to do when you lose a child.  But I found you do have to march right thru the middle of it, you can’t side step or run from it as I it will always catch up to you.  But you never have to go thru it alone my friend....this used to be a very busy site, but has dwindled down to a few...there a few more on Loss of an Adult Child.  But I still check to see if there are any lost, wondering souls like yourself.  Because only other grieving parents can understand your heartache and anguish...and I do.  So reach out to me if you would like to....I will always be here.   My name is Lu by the way.  Take care.

 

Lu....Kira’s mama

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Dan D.

Kira's mama  and all on this forum

 

My heart is soo broken right now and its happened tic in last 8 months , I am numb  10 years ago i lost my beautiful 4 yr old grandson Liam  a few years later i lost his mom my oldest 28 yr old daughter . I assisted my brother and his family In western  Canada to help raise my Daughters son Callum that was left behind when his Mother died .

Last oct 2019 Callum Died and heart breaks again , and 7 days ago My 33 yr old son Alex died . I am almost 47 yrs clean and sober, my  kids had a great life and wanted for nothing .

I had sent Brianne oldest Daughter , Callum -Grandson and Alex -Son to more than 1 treatment facility. they had an example of living a good life and we talked many times about addiction and the many lives its taken in our family ( it took my dad when i was 13 )  took my older sister when she was 29 )  

None of this had any effect and I discussed openly that that make their own choices and that i would always love them no matter what and be there for them . I know it was there choices and that I'm powerless over all of this . My heart goes out to all of you and i believe there  in heaven also .  But it doesn't help my pain of loss now . Not sure how ill gwet through this right now .  I live in the USA   service is in western Canada and I have to quarantine for 14 days so i will miss this service however we will have it online Sunday July 19 2020 .

 

Thanks for letting me ramble , i hope and pray we all find peace again.

 

Dan

 

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Mason’s Mom

Honeygrl1, robot mode, is a good description of me a great deal of time. I try to be strong for my daughters and loved ones.  Somehow the strength to put one foot forward finds it's way to us. I find I will be running on robot mode and then a Tidal Wave of pain hits out of nowhere.  So don't let this take you by surprise and let it happen.  You'll feel a relief by allowing yourself to feel and grieve. It's a personal experience and there's no right or wrong. Pour your feelings out here as we all understand and don't judge. One minute,  hour, day, week at a time. I don't tell anyone time heals,  but we learn to live with the pain and loss. 

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My girl is in heaven

Dan..I am so, so sorry for all,your loses.  I have never known anyone to have suffered the amount you have.  Like you said, you have been clean for a long time, you gave your kids a good life and the most important thing of all was your unconditional love.  I know it doesn’t ease your pain right now though, but you sound like you were a good dad and grand dad.  You may not see it right now, but you will get thru this. Us grieving parents are warriors for we have fought the greatest battle of all and somehow came out the other side.  Be kind and gentle to yourself.  Let grief come to you how ever it will.  There is no right or wrong, no timeline or handbook to follow.  My thoughts will be with you tomorrow listening to the on line service. I will be here anytime you want to chat and you’re not rambling, your telling your story and that is quite alright,  take care    Lu........Kira’s mama

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