Quaranting is a lot like bereavement

[Lily Bell]

I am back with a new name because they would not let me log in under the old one, Moment2moment. Don't know why.

It's been 2 years and 2 months since the loss of my partner of 30 years. My story has been told so won't go into all that anymore.

I have learned that no one wants to hear it and retelling it just works me up. I won't even go to a therapist and talk about it all anymore.

I see myself as still married and knowing we will be together in time, when God decides.

Meanwhile I raise 3 dogs, have a few friends, and work on improving my overall health.

Because of my age I have been self quarantined since March. I am not doing delivery work or other hobbies. I go to the grocery and I will go to parks with my dogs and walk and bike on trails. I read a lot and I am doing some writing. My goal is to live through this pandemic. Very simple.

It's a lot like bereavement. We "get through" the early stages and try to move forward to a level where we can maintain.

Some days I am good at it, some days I feel like I am losing my marbles.

So much loss, so much change. Things we took for granted that we can't have now.

Sadness. Anger. Confusion. Fear. Loss. Hope. Despair. Mourning.

A lot like grief, this staying at home too much, more than I'd like, hiding in fear from fear.

Stay well.

Love, Lily Bell

[KayC]

Lily Bell, I am glad to hear from you again!  Yes, this pandemic is a lot like grief, I'm employing many of the same survival skills I learned then.  I try not to look at the whole picture, it's too much, just do today.  It helps so much to get out and walk my puppy.  He keeps my sanity, i don't know what I'd do without him.  He keeps me from getting bored!

Did you contact the admin about not being able to get in?  Seems they should be able to do a password reset with your email!  So sorry, you should be able to view your profile and activity at least.

[Missy1]

The  current situation of  quarantine is crippling I found out that I was exposed directly to a house full of Covid when I attended a get together with my only friend and her little family. The whole house is sick and it came from the adult kids who live at home they go out, party they meet each other and hook up.  I don’t blame them for being young adults that’s what they do, it’s natural.
So far I have no fever and I’m not sick but I have to quarantine myself till July 6. I wish in my heart that God take me. 

 

 

 

[KayC]

Oh Missy, I'm sorry.  My best friend came down sick Sunday...I saw her Saturday, made me nervous for her...for me, it's just hard going through this every day for months no end in sight.  I've been alone, day after day, so sick of it.  People who live with their family have no idea what this is like.  My friend is improving so don't think it's COVID.  Yesterday the governor said we have to wear masks in public places inside.  I've heard they can fine you $1,000 and/or jail time, they mean business.  I saw people getting really sick of this this month and breaking rules, taking more chances.  Do they really think we can live like this forever?  What a dilemma! 

[Gail 8588]

Hi Kay,  

Sounds like your state is at least trying to address covid.  My Governor in Florida is in complete denial. He keeps saying Florida is doing okay because our death rate is not as high as it was at the beginning.  Well that is largely because all the 65 and older people and all the people with diabetes or heart disease are all hunkered down in our homes. But we don't want to stay here forever.  We want our lives back too.  But the Governor acts like as long as its college kids getting drunk and spreading the virus, and they don't generally die, its good for business to keep the bars open. So no masks required here, put the children back in school and let the virus do its thing.  And all you vulnerable folks, just keep stating in your home ordering instacart deliveries for the next year or so. 

I am extremely angry and very depressed. 

I am being robbed of time with my only grandson, who is growing up so fast. I am being robbed of my chance to make a life for myself.  

Instead, I am stuck in a house alone with my grief, with no end insight. 

Peace,

Gail

[KayC]

I saw my grandkids once in the last four months, but am supposed to go take care of them in a couple of weeks.  Not sure how I'll manage since my back and hand are healing from surgery, it's hard enough taking care of myself and my puppy.  I think it's supposed to be for three days and they live 2 1/2 hours away from me.  I worry too about getting this...

[Michelene]

I have learned that no one wants to hear it and retelling it just works me up. I won't even go to a therapist and talk about it all anymore.

Yes, I feel that is so true--I am about 2 and 1/2 years since I lost my husband so young and unexpected. I'm in our house, with just the cat--haven't had any visitors and when I call people they mostly talk about themselves. I do feel like I am losing my mind at times--you become so self-referential because no spouse to interact with. I'm trying to work and take a class and I can barely focus. Everything takes me extra long. Sometimes I think it won't really matter when I die, because there is no one who would really miss me anymore. Perhaps that says something about me as a person, but it isn't meant as self-pity, just fact. I just worry about how long it takes me to complete work and assignments. I pace and stare at the walls a lot. I do volunteer and bike and read and things, but really, 2 and 1/2 years without any joy is a long time. A long time. I used to have a great work ethic, but now I just do what is required and it takes me forever. And it seems really meaningless, in the end. It seems like everybody has someone and frankly, I'm really tired of being the one who calls and writes. 

My mother lived ten years after my father died. She did all kinds of stuff like learn to fly a plane, and things like that. But I wonder....did it all feel like busy-work to her, as well? 

I'm glad you people are here--to talk about deep things. Thank you for being here. 

 

[KayC]

Wow, about your mom!  My mom lived 33 years after my dad died and had no friends and put a lot of pressure on us kids to fulfill her...I live 2 hours away from where she was.

I'm sure there will be those who will miss you but lots of times people don't show it while we're alive...my kids are busy with their own lives, don't live here, don't call much.  I know they're busy but I talked with my mom a minimum of once a week and she wasn't even a good mom!

There's not much joy right now, that's for sure but I've practiced appreciating whatever good there is since George died and will continue to, it helps me.

And Michelene, I am glad you are here too.  It may sound odd but this place has kind of become an extended family for me...I guess that's pathetic sounding but this is my life now!

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, KayC said:

It may sound odd but this place has kind of become an extended family for me...I guess that's pathetic sounding but this is my life now!

No, Kay, it sure doesn't sound pathetic to me.  For most of us, this is where we can talk about anything and everything with people who understand. 

There are friends and family who are now drifting away from me, and I'm letting it happen.  It's not entirely on them because, as my husband used to say, "The phone works both ways."  But yesterday was 2 years and I heard only from one friend and our daughter.  It makes me feel even more alone that I'm not even worth a text, email, or call.  I know part of it is because of what's happening now, with everyone hunkered down and stressed out all the time.  And I know I could and should take the time to check in with them as well.  I simply have no energy to do that right now.  I feel like I've stepped out of time and place into an endless void that I can't or maybe don't care to escape.

I'm definitely feeling a bit pathetic today, except here I know I am not.

[Missy1]

I agree I feel close to people here, I know, I can  come here when I need a friend and I can help others to, which makes me feel better to be of service.
Some days when I am in a bad place I just hang out here, checking for any updates or just a sign of life. I feel pathetic at times but it what it is...at least I find a way to stay alive each day.

This site is my constant and my lifeline right now, I am grateful.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Missy1 said:

This site is my constant and my lifeline right now, I am grateful.

Me too.

23 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It makes me feel even more alone that I'm not even worth a text, email, or call.

I have gone through each and every one of my deathaversaries alone.  No one remembers, calls, nothing.  I did get a one sentence email this year from one of my sisters saying she remembered and was keeping me in her thoughts, that meant a lot.  Amazing that even my kids don't seem to remember.  It happened on Father's Day, not like that can slip by them!

[Missy1]

Wow, sometimes I feel like it never gets much better. I think it is just more numb days, push down that intense pain and love. I don’t want to do that. Not sure where I am at, in limbo. The only thing I know is that I love my husband and desperately want to hold on to him!

 

[foreverhis]

6 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

The only thing I know is that I love my husband and desperately want to hold on to him!

I absolutely feel the same way.  I drove into town to the farmers market today for peaches from our favorite grower.  We've been buying from the same family farm for 20+ years.  We even had these little rituals like "the ceremonial eating of the first peach of the season."  I'd cut up a perfect peach, sprinkle on a little puffed sugar (Scandinavian pearl sugar; I got addicted when I lived in Norway as an exchange student).  Then I'd hold up the bowl like the Olympic torch, strut into the living room, and bow with a flourish as I handed it to my husband.  He would say, "Thank you" and bow in return.  Then he'd devour the peach, making sounds that are usually only heard in the bedroom.

The year he died, he'd been well enough for that.  But by the time "the ceremonial eating of the last peach of the season" came around, I was alone.  I barely went to the market the rest of that year.  Last year, I skipped the ceremonies.  This year, I prepared the peach, strutted into the living room, and bowed with a flourish toward him in his handsome leather cylinder.  Then I ate the peach while talking to him.  I just want so much for him to be there with me for all the silly little couple's things that were ours alone.  No one else in the world could fully "get" the silly, sweet sayings, gestures, looks, and so much more.

Anyway, today I went to the market again.  It is beautifully and safely run.  Masks required, stall separated, limited number of shoppers at a time (though you're free to wander once admitted as long as you keep your mask on and keep the distance), sanitizing stations, only farmers handle the produce, and monitors to make sure we're all following the rules.  In fact, I saw two people escorted out 2 weeks ago after arguing with the monitors that "we don't have to wear masks where we live."  So I got a flat of peaches, which I split with friends.

I guess because Thursday was 2 years and I'm feeling particularly fragile, I cried driving in and I cried driving home.  I actually wondered if that could be called DWC or DWS (crying or sobbing).  He should have been there with me, shopping and chatting with "the girls" (adult daughters of the farm owner and who just loved silly flirting with my sweetie).  He should have been there at home to sort through the peaches and then pounce on one.  He should have been there.  He should be here.

For me, it's not a matter of getting better or not.  It's me slowly learning how to carry my grief as part of my life, instead of all of it.  It's me more often letting in light and hope, even as I don't look much past the immediate future because doing that terrifies me.  I accept only that he is gone from this world.  I do not accept that it is right or fair.  In that acceptance, I am becoming more able to think of the good memories and talk to him without breaking down every time.  I will never get over losing my soulmate.  We here know that all too well.  But little parts of my heart are starting to open to the possibility that some day I will be happier than I am now, even as I know I'll never be as happy as I was.  Well, not until it's my time and I am with him again.

Some days are better than others.  Some days I feel just like I did in the weeks right after I lost him.  Some days it feels like it's been a million years since I last told him I love him forever.  There are definitely days I'm numb, days when I have to focus on something else for a time.  I often feel as if I'm a step out of time with the rest of the world now.  I have promised myself that I will not push down or hide my pain and grief so much.  If anyone in my life can't handle that, then too bad for them.

Missy, You are still very early in your grief journey.  It's taken me 2 full years to accept what happened and start to figure out how I can live without my love.  I know it will take a long time to settle into that changed life.  I will miss my husband every minute of every day for the rest of my life, but the pain is starting to soften at the edges.  There were days the first year when I was sure losing him would actually kill me.  There were so many days I wished it would.  Though I no longer fear death and don't want to live another 30 years, I don't feel that way now.

Please remember grief like ours takes a long time just to move forward in small steps.  The journey is not easy and the road is not straight.  But you are not alone in walking it.  We will always be here.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's me slowly learning how to carry my grief as part of my life, instead of all of it.  It's me more often letting in light and hope, even as I don't look much past the immediate future because doing that terrifies me.

Yes!