"Strong in Grief"

[KayC]

I thought this article was excellent...it put expression to what I and many many others have felt...

What Does it Mean to Be Strong in Grief?  from whatsyourgrief.com found here: https://www.google.com/url?q=https://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l%3D9P27n%26m%3DhGf5RrHgspOL0Hk%26b%3DpGn_QqduMBAMbOnid0drRw&source=gmail&ust=1590243289218000&usg=AFQjCNGo5wMdOYk9u-C3Lko_KQBmUWzo2g

In the days after your loved one’s death, did anyone say to you, “you’re so strong” or another variation on that theme? If so, how did it make you feel? Did you feel empowered and encouraged or unseen and misunderstood? I ask because this is one of those statements that can go either way. For every person who’s told us they appreciated comments like “I admire your strength,” we’ve probably heard from three others who did not. Why does this comment, meant as a compliment, sometimes feel so off-putting to people who are grieving? It ultimately depends on the person, but we have a few general guesses. First, grieving people may feel the opposite of strong, so comments about their strength may make them feel patronized and misunderstood. Second, a person might assume the compliment implies they are especially stoic and consequently feel bad they aren’t showing more emotion for their loved one. Third, praising strength may imply that stoicism is preferable to emotional expression. Whether consciously or not, a person may internalize the belief that being emotional around you or others will be a disappointment.  Fourth, the statement “you have to be strong” reads like a threat that a person better hold it together or there will be consequences. Five, if you bypass a person’s pain and assume they have it together, you may be less likely to offer that person compassion and support. Look, I could go on, but I have a feeling you get the point. Bottom line – statements about strength can land wrong, even though they’re usually well-intentioned. I think where the problem lies is that there is a whole lot of confusion about the role of emotion in grief and what it means to “be strong” in the face of all those feelings.   I think a good majority of people would believe that strength in the face of overwhelming emotion means being resistant. Like a knight riding high on his stead, he pays no mind to the scary thoughts and feelings nipping at his toes. His armor is so strong that you can throw what you want at him, and it all bounces off. Nothing penetrates. Nothing gets through. But in the real world, we’re not knights; we’re just vulnerable people. If we’re able to resist distressing thoughts and feelings, it’s because we’re avoiding them. We’re running away from them, day in and day out – and running away seems far less courageous.  Strength in the context of grief is much different than most accepted definitions. It’s brave as hell, but it feels like the opposite. It feels like intentionally allowing yourself to be wounded and weakened by staring painful thoughts, emotions, and memories in the eye and then, instead of trying to defeat them, saying, “you’re a part of me now.” Grieving people often feel they have to put on a mask to the outside world. Outwardly, you may give off the impression you’re doing “fine”, while on the inside your struggling. The struggle is where the strength comes in, but not everyone can see that because moments of strength in grief are personal, and quite often they’re private.  You show strength through the small and humble acts of bravery you take on every day – like getting out of bed and walking around in an unfamiliar world filled with sharp edges. Strength is opening that box of memories, even though you know it will make you cry. Strength is saying their name out loud in public for the first time in casual conversation.  Strength in grief is acknowledging, feeling, and expressing emotion. To help people understand how broadly strength in grief can be defined, we want to ask you – what does strength in grief look and feel like to you? Share in the comments below. And the next time someone comments on how strong you appear, smile to yourself and think, “they don’t even know the half of it.”

[Dey]

Thank you for this article @KayC 

Funny the timing of the posting is, in a way, responding to what happened to me yesterday. I had a small meeting with my close friends, one of my girlfriend said I'm strong one in dealing all this, losing my husband on difficult time, raising my son, facing possibilities that I'd lose my job, but still able to maintain my calm and my "sanity".. I just smiled and said to her, "you gotta do what you gotta do.." bcs I know, even if I try to explain that I am not strong or brave, I cry all the time, I break down more than I don't, I worry about my job, my future or how to raise my son, she might still not believe or understand me. 

[MODArtemis2019]

22 hours ago, KayC said:

Strength in grief is acknowledging, feeling, and expressing emotion.

This is so true. This is the work of grief that people talk about.

In general, I don't mind when people makes comments, perhaps off-target, that are well-intentioned. They just don't know what to say, and they may have never experienced such a loss. But at least they are acknowledging what happened. What was so hurtful to me in the beginning was the people who said nothing. This was especially widespread at work. I would have welcomed anyone saying that I was strong to go back to work 12 days after my husband died. I think many people are afraid to say the "wrong" thing, so they say nothing. That's worse to me. 

[ccoflove]

I remember someone told me to 'stay strong' early on and feeling offended by it, like no I'm not strong I'm falling apart and barely holding it together, what do you know. It didnt acknowledge my pain making me feel misunderstood for the reasons mentioned in this article. As if to say keep your mask on. The statement didnt offer any support. Even now as someone who has experienced deep grief, I stumble on knowing what to say to someone newly grieving because I know nothing can be said to fix it, words all fall short and there is a sense of helpless in that desire to ease their pain.  Simply acknowledging their pain is enough. Not that it's the right response, but I can see why people often avoid a grieving person altogether. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, MODArtemis2019 said:

They just don't know what to say, and they may have never experienced such a loss. But at least they are acknowledging what happened.

 

2 hours ago, MODArtemis2019 said:

I think many people are afraid to say the "wrong" thing, so they say nothing. That's worse to me. 

 

2 hours ago, ccoflove said:

Simply acknowledging their pain is enough

All good points!