Lost my husband suddenly

[Mandy isabella]

Not coping very well with the loss of my husband. He died Feb 1st in front of me while prepping for a routine colonoscopy.  He was very healthy before that. I lost my world my life. He left no will so I was forced to leave my home and the life I knew in Virginia and moved to California to live with family. To say its been difficult is an understatement . Not sure I can go on. 

[KayC]

Hi Mandy, I want to welcome you here.  You've found good company but I'm so sorry for the reason you're here...I wouldn't wish this loss on anyone.  I hope you'll continue to come here, read, post.  This is like an on line family, all helping each other through this.

This is all still pretty fresh to you, I'm sorry you had to leave your home and life and move, I'm glad you have family to be with though.

I wrote this at about ten years out of the things I've found helpful and hope something in it helps you today and something else on down the road, as this journey is ever evolving.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Missy1]

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss, that is so unusual and sad. My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband and have to shoulder all the debt and pray I keep my job. Our property and everything was in both our names so no issues. It’s terrible that you had to leave your house and lost everything! I wish you strength to see each day through, breath and take each day on your terms.

[Mandy isabella]

Thank you Kay so much for your wonderful reply. It surely helped....can you tell me a bit about what happened in your life? 

 

[Mandy isabella]

Thank you Missy, he was just about to make a will but he passed quick. I suffered from anxieties on top of all this too. I hope one day this gets easier..

[Missy1]

I am glad you found this forum, read our threads, we are real and sincere people who are trying to find our way through this darkness. I hope you will stay and continue to post as we do understand, we try to help each other as best we can and welcome all who are walking this path. 

[jwahlquist]

I am sorry for your loss.  How awful that on top of losing the person your world revolved around, you lost your world too.  I imagine that is very tough.  
 

I lost my husband in February.  He had been sick and he went to the minor emergency twice and second time they sent him to the ER.  He walked into the hospital and never walked out.  My life & my daughter’s life will never be the same.  I struggle just to make through each day.  I am on medications for sleep and depression and still fight to keep ahold of myself......who I am & who I will be going forward.  

[Mandy isabella]

Hi what type of meds are you and do they make drowsy?.I wish you peace 

So so sorry this happened to you and your child, life can be so so hard even more so for us

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, Mandy isabella said:

Hi what type of meds are you and do they make drowsy?.I wish you peace 

So so sorry this happened to you and your child, life can be so so hard even more so for us

I am taking Zoloft and Trazadone.   The Trazadone is for sleeping and it makes me somewhat drowsy.   I haven’t noticed the Zoloft making me drowsy.  
 

Life has become immeasurably harder since my husband passed away.   As I am sure it has for all of us here.  A lot of it is the little things like reaching thing on high shelves, having help around the house, getting emotional support, but some of it is big things like having someone to drive you to and from surgical appointments, having someone to be your emergency contact, & having someone to grow old with.  
 

 

[Mandy isabella]

I feel your pain, I just didnt realize how much I did rely on him. My one desire is just to tell him how much I love him one more time. 

[KayC]

I'm on Trazodone 50 mg for sleep (they prescribe it in higher doses for antidepressants also) and on Buspirone 15 mg for anxiety.  It's in a class of it's own (not an SSRI, which I didn't want to take), I have GAD and will likely be on it for life.  It doesn't leave me robotic or unfeeling, it just takes the edge off so I can cope.

Not sure how much you want to know...here's my life in a synopsis:

Marriage 1 to a monster that beat and cheated on me continually, he was an animal & I barely escaped with my life.

Marriage 2 to my kids' dad, 23 years, he got a divorce and married what he thought was his ideal wife.

Marriage 3 to George, my soulmate and best friend, the love of my life.  We got each other, had great love and communication and respect for each other.  Then he died, suddenly, unexpectedly.  I was 52.

Our friends all disappeared on me but someone else appeared, claiming to be George's friend...we ended up getting married but he never lived with me.  I would learn he was nothing but a con to use and discard me after he'd stuck me with $57,000 of his bills (he used my credit), the law did nothing because we were technically married even though he never lived with me but did live with another woman and another one yet during our short marriage.

I don't date and of course berate myself for this huge mistake but I mention it (as embarrassing as it is and ashamed as I am) because I want people to understand how vulnerable we can be in our early grief and how important it is to ALLOW OURSELVES TIME TO GRIEVE and process it...there is no avoiding it, in the end we still have to deal with it!  No circumventing it, if there was, I would have surely found a way to!

My "purpose" is to help others with their grief.  I started a grief support group locally as we'd never had one here and I've been active on two grief sites for years.

It helps so much to express yourself and know you are heard and this is a great avenue for that!  Here, we all "get it."

[Mandy isabella]

Wow thars alot of stuff to deal with, I am so so sorry! 

[KayC]

It's all a part of what shaped and molded me into who I am so to be embraced and gleaned from if not coveted.  God's the only one I know of who can turn bad into good and bring positive from seemingly bad, the redeemer of hard situations.  We learn from it all.

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, KayC said:

I don't date and of course berate myself for this huge mistake but I mention it (as embarrassing as it is and ashamed as I am) because I want people to understand how vulnerable we can be in our early grief and how important it is to ALLOW OURSELVES TIME TO GRIEVE and process it...there is no avoiding it, in the end we still have to deal with it!  No circumventing it, if there was, I would have surely found a way to!

Kay, IMO you have no reason to be ashamed of being so vulnerable.  I know if it was me, I would berate myself, feel embarrassed and ashamed, and I bet anything you would tell me to give myself a break, to remember that we're human and grieving.  I hope that you are able to do the same for yourself.

It's enormously helpful for you to share these difficult experiences with us because we are at our weakest, most vulnerable now.  I read what you share and feel comforted knowing I'm not alone.  It helps me understand that it's possible to survive.  We all make mistakes throughout our lives, it's simple human nature.  When we are at our lowest points, we are likely to make more mistakes, especially with grief brain.  Brain fog is what it's called with my auto-immune conditions, so imagine my "joy" to realize how much worse it had gotten.  We aren't thinking logically and have lost so much that I think it's natural to want to cling to any little bit of comfort or warmth that anyone offers us.

One of the first things I discovered when I joined here was confirmation in my belief that grief like this is not something we "get over" and that it was going to take me years to possibly find any sort of happiness.  There sure is no way around the dark journey of this grief, but knowing that I'm not walking alone and that there are others here shining bits of light to help me along the way is one of the things that probably saved my life.  Thank you for being one of those bits of light.

[KayC]

Thank you, foreverhis.  You know I see shows about people catfished and I think "how can you be that stupid?!"  There was one on this week who gave $100,000 to someone she never even met and it was all she had, she left her husband of 37 years for him!  Then I remember I am just that stupid...and instead of calling her stupid,. I substitute the word vulnerable because really that's what it boils down to, they prey on the vulnerable, whether you find them on line or they call feigning to be a friend of your deceased husband.  When we have a real hole in our hearts...we are vulnerable and it's good to recognize it and guard against it...only I didn't realize that at the time, I was not in any clarity of mind, so alone, scared, frantic, anxious...all I knew was I could live another 40 years and how could I do life alone?!  Well I am doing it.  I know George would be the first not to judge me, but to understand and care, that's how he always was with me...that's how we were with each other.  And I know he's proud of me for all I've come through in these 15 years since losing him, even if I did make that mistake.

@Mandy isabella  I hope I didn't scare you off!

[Mandy isabella]

Kay, no not at all xx

[Missy1]

@Mandy isabella I don’t know your situation but you should have had all rights to inherit all of your spouses assets including real estate without a will. Hopefully you put up a fight.  I am so sorry it is so terrible to lose your spouse unexpectedly from something like preparing for a colonoscopy, it breaks my heart! We are left in shock and the loss is indescribably painful!  I wish you nothing but peace in this difficult journey. 

[Mandy isabella]

39 minutes ago, Missy1 said:

@Mandy isabella I don’t know your situation but you should have had all rights to inherit all of your spouses assets including real estate without a will. Hopefully you put up a fight.  I am so sorry it is so terrible to lose your spouse unexpectedly from something like preparing for a colonoscopy, it breaks my heart! We are left in shock and the loss is indescribably painful!  I wish you nothing but peace in this difficult journey. 

Thanks Missy, my fiance was much older than me and he dud a reversed mortgage so everything goes to next of kin or whatever the court decides. I have no money to fight and I'm 4 thousand miles away now:( 

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, Missy1 said:

I don’t know your situation but you should have had all rights to inherit all of your spouses assets including real estate without a will.

Just a clarification.  In most jurisdictions, a spouse has rights to a percentage of property if there was no will and there are other heirs (children, siblings, even parents).  If the spouse is the sole heir, then of course it's simpler.

Real estate, life insurance, and anything with a listed beneficiary is different.  If real property is owned solely by one spouse, the surviving spouse is almost always entitled to 50% or more, depending on other heirs.  But if it's titled to more than one person and if that person is not the spouse, depending on how it's titled, a spouse might not be legally entitled to any of it.  All assets with a listed beneficiary go to the beneficiary, regardless of other considerations.  It can be so darn confusing.  My husband and I made sure that all our assets, from the house to bank accounts to the cars, were titled to both of us as JTRS (joint tenant, right of survivor) so there was no question about it.

I've heard so many stories where adult children from a previous marriage go in and try to take everything, contesting wills even, making what's already a living hell even worse for the surviving spouse.  It really angers me that people are so greedy.  That actually happened with my uncle.  His wife had died a few years earlier; he was living with another woman at the time he died, who got him to sign a new will while he was in the hospital medicated, etc.  Well, his wife had adult children from a previous marriage who took the other woman to court.  They fought it out, but as far as the courts were concerned, my uncle's actual blood relatives (my mom, me and my siblings, two cousins) had no rights to anything because of previous wills.  My mom was devastated as there were family heirlooms he had promised to her, but the new "will" and the step-kids overrode that in court because he hadn't specifically willed things to my mom.  We were lucky to get back property that actually belonged to her that she had let him borrow.  Man, those step-kids turned into monsters!

[KayC]

Reverse mortgage explains it all.  Every state is different with inheritance but most reverse mortgages, it goes to them upon death.  I'm so sorry you had to be uprooted on top of losing your husband...as if that wasn't enough!

On 5/24/2020 at 11:19 AM, foreverhis said:

I've heard so many stories where adult children from a previous marriage go in and try to take everything, contesting wills even, making what's already a living hell even worse for the surviving spouse

And we all know that would not have been their dying wish!

[Bryn]

I am of mixed emotions as I write this.  For all of us I am sad for all of our losses and our grief.  For those facing financial difficulties because of the loss I am worried and frustrated for you.  It adds a level of stress and complexity during a time of vulnerability and fatigue that is scary and unfair. We all go through the grief fog where you're not sleeping or eating right and your memory and cognitive functioning is effected.  It's just so bloody unfair.  For KayC and anyone in a similar position, I'm angry.  Angry that there are cruel selfish people out there who are greedy and evil.  They take advantage of our loneliness, grief and confusion and twist it to benefit themselves and justify it by implying we are stupid.  I'm sorry you have to pay that priced but I am humbled to see how you have grown from it and are keeping your head up.

 

[KayC]

I'm okay now excepting the financial struggles he left me with, will have that for years to come, but I've made do.  It does mean I'm stuck here having to haul firewood, pick up limbs in the yard and shovel snow when my arthritic/carpal tunnel hands hardly work.  But as long as I can keep going, I'm grateful...when I can't anymore, I hope He takes me.  Got to keep going as long as Kodie is alive though, could be up to 16 years.