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BeyondRepair

this wasnt supposed to happen...

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BeyondRepair

Almost 3 weeks ago I lost my teenage daughter. She was killed by someone who she thought was a friend. And my worst nightmare is now my reality. The day i found out she was dead I tried to OD on my meds. Didn't work. I go to sleep every night hoping i wont wake up. And every morning I'm still here...and the weight of her absence comes crashing back down. I think of her every second of every day. I'm jealous and resentful that the other people in my family are able to carry on so easily. I am completely destroyed. I try not to think about her last moments (I know very little about it..only that she was stabbed)....but it always seeps in. She must have been so scared....she must have suffered....she called for me and i never came...left in the cold dark. Its these thoughts that are pushing me closer to the edge. I would already be gone if I didn't have other kids...but they are grown. I feel like I'm being forced to live a life I want no part of. When I think of the future, all I can see is her absence. I dont want a future without her. How do people expect me to live with the horror of what happened to her? I can't. I won't. I just want her back....i miss her so much. I can't live like this much longer...

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Changed

BeyondRepair,  I am so sorry to read of your daughter’s death.   It is so recent and you must be in utter shock and despair.     I understand how you are feeling and the terrible void you see for your future       My own son, David,  died three and a half years ago - he was living in Australia and I live in England.    
The awful , violent circumstances of your child’s death must make it even more painful for you , if that is possible .    The way you are feeling about your own life is something I shared  - I thought what was the point of my living , I didn’t want the pain of continuing and I couldn’t see any future for myself without my son being alive too.  I have an adult daughter and a husband but I didn’t care , I just wanted my son back.    I didn’t try to take my own life but I didn’t care if it ended either.

At first I came here to read posts from other grieving parents - it was years before I posted though - I think that I wanted to know if I would ever stop feeling so dreadful .   How could anyone face a life feeling like that forever?   It is truly exhausting- the constant thinking without any solution or satisfactory conclusion .    It helped to hear others voicing my own thoughts and feelings , I felt less isolated.  I gathered, even though it terrified me,  that my grief would ‘soften’ and blend into my life eventually but it would all take it’s own time  .   

It is far too soon for you to think too far ahead ,  it will be enough just to get through each day for now,  I feel for you so much.  Please hold on, 

There is a thread on this site for death of an adult child.  Parents have been posting there for years - some with very similar situations to your own - I think you may find it helpful when you feel more able -  even just read past conversations.    I need to find the easiest way for you to get there so I will post again in a moment once I double check.    My name is Roz  and I know that you are in the bleakest, darkest place right now but please keep going - we will try our best to help you - we have been there too
 

 

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Changed

BeyondRepair.   If you go to the Loss of a Child page - upper left you will see the page numbers - below those numbers you will see Loss of an Adult Child and another set of very pale page numbers - click on the last page ( at the moment it is 2615).  Although it says adult child the parents of teenage children post there too.   Roz 

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My girl is in heaven

Beyond Repair.   I’m so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.  I lost my 17 year old daughter almost 9 years under different circumstances and I know your desperate feelings of despair right now.  I know you can’t face the world right now. Is there  anyone you can talk to, although I know with Covid it is difficult.  It is a very, long and rocky road, this grief journey.....but there will come a time where you will weave your sadness into a new life...but I know you can’t see that right now.  I will be here for you if you want.  There are so many things I want to tell you, help you..because I know dear friend the ache in your heart right now.  Come back here anytime ...I will be here for you.  I live in Ontario, by the way.   Take care.

 

Lu......Kira’s mama

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BeyondRepair

Thank you so much for all of your words. Theres this need to find others who have gone through this. This feeling I have is indescribable...grief, despair, rage...and no outlet. Nothing anyone does will bring her back. I have never felt so powerless in my life. Not even throughout my traumatizing childhood. I'm just so angry! I don't understand why this person felt the need to do this. How dare they take my daughter from me. The day it happened plays over and over...the last time I saw her. Then all of the 'what if's' start...then the thoughts of her last moments crush me. And the pure hatred I am feeling...I have never felt a hate like this. Not even towards the ppl who ruined me a long time ago. Now....no compassion. Just hate. I think i'm cursed....lost my mom when I was a baby. Now I lost my daughter. I almost feel like a child who is having a temper tantrum because I cant get what I want, and refuses to carry on and do what your told. And I don't want to move on. I don't want to leave her behind. I want to live THIS life with her. I want to watch her grow up...find happiness. Maybe have  daughter of her own someday. Then suddenly its all wiped out. Now there is nothing. I don't want to carry on without her...

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Changed

BeyondRepair.   You will certainly find many people on this site who have felt just as you do now.   There is so much for you to cope with - all the questions and all the pain.      I see that Lu (My Girl is in Heaven) has reached out to you  - she is so kind and wise and I’m sure she will have lots of support to offer you.      I hope that you will continue to keep in contact with us - come to the ‘ loss of an adult child ‘ pages where we post and get to know the others there if you feel that you can .        Roz

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Mason’s Mom

Beyondrepair, the feelings you describe is very much the way I felt.  It is like those thoughts and  memories are on a continuous loop playing in your head. We are experiencing PTSD,  we suffered a traumatic experience.  Talking with others who have experienced the loss of a child helps a great deal.  Others try to offer hope and help but if they never experience a loss so devastating they sometimes hurt us rather than help. I saw a counselor for a few months.  He helped but I found so much more here and with a couple of ladies I work with,  I didn't know about their loss until they approached me.  Take this minute by minute,  day by day.  I won't tell you time heals, you learn to live with your pain. I have a terrible fear of everyone forgetting my son, so I make that a goal. It can be simple acts of kindness or as we have started a scholarship in his honor. We had a bench built and put on the school grounds near the agricultural building. Find something to do that is positive for her. Let the world know she matters. 

May you find comfort and peace. 

Carol 

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shorty16

Beyond repair

So sorry you have had to find us, but no better place to be.

My son, Brian died almost 12 years ago at the hands of a reckless driver.

I am here to tell you that you can survive this...One step at a time.  Sometimes, one breath at a time.

Be kind to yourself.

Colleen

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pattyreeds

Beyond Repair my heart a hes for you because I have been there. My daughter was 16. The pain is unbearable but in time you will be able to cope. It may be too soon right now but try to find a focal point and concentrate on it. Maybe do something in your daughters memory or support something she believed in. 

I did not think I would survive that loss but i did. I knew that my daughter would never want me to live in agony so I was eventually able to go a day at a time until things became a little easier. Do not give up. No one can begin to understand the pain unless they have been through it but don't give up. I am sure your daughter would never want that

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